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Original poster

Work colleague has decided to come on holiday with me — again...

843 replies

Craquedechevalier · 05/04/2025 11:39

I work in a school (admin, not teaching). Every year for the last 11 years, I've been away on my own over the summer half-term to attend a big literary festival. My DH and DC have never wanted to come. Both children are now in their 20s.

I register as a volunteer for the festival, book a campsite for a week, do my volunteering duties and attend events at the festival, read, sleep lots, eat what I want and do some work remotely. I have several friends who do similar. It's my 'me' week and I look forward to it very much. Several people at work know what I do and occasionally they turn up at the festival for a day or two. We bump into each other at the festival site, have a coffee — not a problem.

Last year I arrived on the campsite and was setting the van up when someone banged on the window. It was a colleague with her 7-year-old daughter, asking for help to put their tent up. They were camping on the same site in a tent for the week. I helped out, reluctantly. Then they wanted to come in and join me in the van because there was a chilly wind and they were cold. I made them drinks, they poked around the van and didn't seem to want to leave. It went on like that. The weather wasn't great and whenever I was in the van they'd come round and expect to sit with me in the warm or have hot drinks or a meal. They had a car and went out sometimes during the day, but never brought back a takeaway or food to help out. I felt under pressure to host them and so ended up avoiding the van as much as possible. One evening my colleague asked me to look after her daughter while she attended a comedy gig at the festival. She'd already bought a ticket: I didn't feel as if I could say no. I felt as if I'd lost all my down time to looking after them.

They left a day early, which was a relief: they weren't prepared for the reality of camping and from what my colleague said in the weeks afterwards, she had no intention of going back again. Yesterday afternoon I bumped into her in the corridor and she announced that she'd bought a better tent and mattress and thermal leggings and she and her daughter were booked again. Same campsite as me. 'We can hang out like last year' she said.

I'm already booked into the campsite and on the volunteer rota, so I'm committed. How can I politely say that they spoiled last year's break for me, and I'm not doing it again?

OP posts:
TheHerboriste · 05/04/2025 13:11

What a nightmare.

Her issues as a single parent are absolutely not your problem. I can’t stand people who use that as a ploy to impose on others.

This is why I keep my private life private.

Mudkipper · 05/04/2025 13:11

She’ll be counting on you for free child care. I would be very firm that you’ll be busy and that you won’t have leisure or energy to babysit. She’s a CF so I’d say you WILL have to be firm.

pinkdelight · 05/04/2025 13:09

And even ‘grab a coffee’ has leeway for her to assume it’ll be at the van and keep calling. Don’t give an inch or she’ll take a mile.

Munnygirl · 05/04/2025 13:09

AmIHumanOrAmIAYeti · 05/04/2025 13:00

I’ll be at Hay at the start of the week if you need me to stage an intervention for you. I don’t give a toss!

OP now this is the way to go 👆

Oblomov25 · 05/04/2025 13:09

FFS grow a pair and tell her beforehand that it was too much!

thepariscrimefiles · 05/04/2025 13:07

Saltedcarameltiramisucheesecake · 05/04/2025 12:57

She's a CF, and you're too soft. Just politely say you won't be able to host or help her that week, but you could catch up and compare notes when you're back at work. Clear and polite. No excuses or apologies.

I agree. This isn't even a close friend, it's a work colleague. She must have a skin like a rhino to think that her behaviour is acceptable. She pretty much took over OP's van last year and as for the babysitting, words fail me!

OP should just tell her that she doesn't want her own DH and kids with her, never mind anybody elses.

murasaki · 05/04/2025 13:07

You do know she will just drop the daughter at your van and run, relying on your good nature?

ilovesooty · 05/04/2025 13:07

ThatsNotMyTeen · 05/04/2025 12:38

“Much as I enjoyed last year, this is my week of me time so it’s not going to be possible to hang out like we did then. Perhaps we can catch up for a coffee on the site one afternoon “

I wouldn't say I enjoyed last year when I didn't. It just encourages the thick skinned CF to keep imposing.

pinkdelight · 05/04/2025 13:07

There’s no need to change sites anyway, and why on earth should you change your plans at all. You know the holiday you want so just give her a clear heads up so you can relax when you’re there and please yourself without fear of intrusion. Send the message now and be firm. If you don’t, you won’t be able to enjoy it at all.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 05/04/2025 13:07

I don't think it's cheeky for her to want to spend time with you but do think it was cheeky of her to expect to be fed and watered, especially without contributing. How did that come about, did you just happen to have extra food? Did she explicitly ask or did you offer?

Butterflyfern · 05/04/2025 13:04

You need to stop thinking that prioritising your own wants and needs on your own holiday is selfish!! It really isn't

Puzzledandpissedoff · 05/04/2025 13:04

ifIwerenotanandroid · 05/04/2025 12:49

I'm not sure a 'Do Not Disturb' sign would work. I'd expect someone like her to think, 'Oh, that doesn't apply to US. We're special, we're her friends!'.

From bitter experience I agree, and even all the advance warnings can be brushed aside with an invented emergency: "I wouldn't have dreamt of disturbing you but ..."

Which is why I said to open the van door, say a quick "I'm afraid I can't ..." and immediately close it again

JustSawJohnny · 05/04/2025 13:03

Honestly, OP - it's time to put your foot down VERY clearly.

I'd send her a text so she has it in writing and can't attempt to brush you off or talk you round. I'd be pretty frank, something like...

Hi colleague, just wanted to clarify a few things re the half term event. I won't be available for hosting in my van at all this year so giving you the heads up to be ready for all weather eventualities, just in case. I am aiming to use this week as my annual 'alone' time, when I can come and go as I please with nobody to have to look out for and hours of blessed silence to read and do nothing in gaps between volunteering. As lovely as it was to see you last time, I didn't get my annual dose of solitude and I really missed it. It really is important to me to have this time to myself every year. Let's grab a coffee at the festival if I see you, but apart from that I won't be available. Hope you have a wonderful time.

You need to be BRUTAL and if she does turn up, even with a very soggy child in tow, tell her it's not a good time for you and shut the door!

If not, she's going to ruin one of your favourite weeks of the year EVERY YEAR!

She really is being a bit of an entitled CF, OP.

SparklyGlitterballs · 05/04/2025 13:03

Talk to her beforehand. Tell her you know it may come across as anti-social, but you're planning to use the time to read, recharge your batteries, meditate etc. You may get chance to meet for a coffee once or twice if your rota allows, but the van will be off limits for visits as that will be your 'me' time. Then get some privacy film for the van windows that lets you see out and no-one can see in. Oh, and a big Do Not Disturb sign to hang on the door.

Enthusiasticcarrotgrower · 05/04/2025 13:02

AmIHumanOrAmIAYeti · 05/04/2025 13:00

I’ll be at Hay at the start of the week if you need me to stage an intervention for you. I don’t give a toss!

I am just chuckling because I started reading this and thought it was going to say: “I’ll be at Hay at the start of the week if you need some company: why don’t you put the kettle on!”

Branleuse · 05/04/2025 13:02

you have a few options.

  1. Suck it up and accept this is an annual thing now and get used to your new tone-deaf bestie and her small child!
  2. Be extremely clear with her and make sure she understands that you dont want this.
  3. Dont go to the festival anymore

Its put you in an awkward postion, but its an opportunity to work on your boundaries and assertiveness. She completely imposed herself on you last year, and for some reason she didnt even realise that you didnt enjoy it as much as she did (or didnt care). It didnt even occur to her to check first.
Thats not someone I would want to become closer friends with, or be particularly bothered about falling out with

pictoosh · 05/04/2025 13:01

As there's not really the option to stay elsewhere, you are going have to tell her honestly that you don't want to hang out and why. Impress on the fact that it's not personal to her (or her daughter) - you wouldn't want to share this week with anyone, be it friend, relative or otherwise. You relish the time alone, it is very restful and restorative. That's what you go for.

AmIHumanOrAmIAYeti · 05/04/2025 13:00

I’ll be at Hay at the start of the week if you need me to stage an intervention for you. I don’t give a toss!

LushLemonTart · 05/04/2025 12:59

@Obvnotthegolden so would I. I've walked 20 miles in the rain before, some of it heavy. That's because I was doing a long distance walk and had to get to the next place.

Enthusiasticcarrotgrower · 05/04/2025 12:59

Cheeky f*ckers rely on peoples fear of awkwardness. So you just have to embrace the awkwardness.

CF knocks on your van. You open the door.
CF: Hello! We were just passing.
You: [Slowly, looking confused]. O… hi.
[An awkward silence ensues while CF waits for you to ask how she is or invite her in. You do not. You just allow the awkward silence to do its job.]
CF: Well, can we pop in and see the van?
You: [Slowly, again confused, but now slightly horrified.] Sorry, no it’s not a good time, actually. See you around! [Close the door].

It will seem as if you are being rude because that’s how they make you feel but actually they are being rude by imposing on you so you just have to lean into it. Repeat if necessary.

CF: Hello! Is it all right if we just grab some hot water?
You: Sorry, what?
CF: Can we just get a bit of hot water from the van?
You: Confused Don’t you have your own hot water?
CF: Well we do but it’s a bit of a pain to boil the kettle.
You: Sorry it’s not a good time. I’m just in the middle of something.
CF: We’ll just be a minute!
You: There’s a coffee van just down the road.

Obvnotthegolden · 05/04/2025 12:59

Justalittlehotpotato · 05/04/2025 12:51

I think it looks worse if you were to try and avoid them and hope they ‘get the message’, but personally I prefer people to be direct so maybe that’s just me. However I would definitely take her to a side ahead of the trip and say (or even over a text if easier)…‘I dont’ want it to come across as though I’m avoiding you when we’re there, I love hanging out with you guys, but I really value the time spent away by myself to rest, read, do some sleeping and recharge my batteries. So whilst I’m happy to meet a couple of times for coffee, I do rely on my alone time when there. I was a lot more sociable last year than I normally would be. I really hope you understand’

I like this.
I'm a terrible people pleaser so would opt for a different campsite but I think I'd try this first.

ilovesooty · 05/04/2025 12:59

jeaux90 · 05/04/2025 12:04

Honestly OP you need to put your big girl pants on. Just tell her you look forward to the solitude, that your DH and DC don’t come because it’s your time being on your own. This is the truth.

I agree. Tell her clearly and unequivocally before she sets off so she knows that a repeat of last year isn't going to happen. If necessary tell her your weren't comfortable with last year's situation and you need time to yourself. And she is a CF.

Saltedcarameltiramisucheesecake · 05/04/2025 12:57

She's a CF, and you're too soft. Just politely say you won't be able to host or help her that week, but you could catch up and compare notes when you're back at work. Clear and polite. No excuses or apologies.

LushLemonTart · 05/04/2025 12:57

But does @Craquedechevalier love hanging out with them? I wouldn't. I love dcs but if I was wanting a week alone I wouldn't want to entertain an acquaintance and their dc. At all. And I wouldn't.

Obvnotthegolden · 05/04/2025 12:57

Craquedechevalier · 05/04/2025 12:49

Not easily done. There is one convenient campsite that enables me to come and go to the festival site easily. Other campsites are a 20-minute walk/ bus ride/ cycle ride away, and if the weather's poor it means everything is harder and more tiring. I've got this week down to a fine art.

Show quote history

I would honestly rather a 20 mins walk in the rain than constantly be on edge that "Agnes" might suddenly knock on my window.

It's not ideal but the alternative isn't either.

Btw it's not selfish to want time to yourself.

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