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Original poster

Work colleague has decided to come on holiday with me — again...

843 replies

Craquedechevalier · 05/04/2025 11:39

I work in a school (admin, not teaching). Every year for the last 11 years, I've been away on my own over the summer half-term to attend a big literary festival. My DH and DC have never wanted to come. Both children are now in their 20s.

I register as a volunteer for the festival, book a campsite for a week, do my volunteering duties and attend events at the festival, read, sleep lots, eat what I want and do some work remotely. I have several friends who do similar. It's my 'me' week and I look forward to it very much. Several people at work know what I do and occasionally they turn up at the festival for a day or two. We bump into each other at the festival site, have a coffee — not a problem.

Last year I arrived on the campsite and was setting the van up when someone banged on the window. It was a colleague with her 7-year-old daughter, asking for help to put their tent up. They were camping on the same site in a tent for the week. I helped out, reluctantly. Then they wanted to come in and join me in the van because there was a chilly wind and they were cold. I made them drinks, they poked around the van and didn't seem to want to leave. It went on like that. The weather wasn't great and whenever I was in the van they'd come round and expect to sit with me in the warm or have hot drinks or a meal. They had a car and went out sometimes during the day, but never brought back a takeaway or food to help out. I felt under pressure to host them and so ended up avoiding the van as much as possible. One evening my colleague asked me to look after her daughter while she attended a comedy gig at the festival. She'd already bought a ticket: I didn't feel as if I could say no. I felt as if I'd lost all my down time to looking after them.

They left a day early, which was a relief: they weren't prepared for the reality of camping and from what my colleague said in the weeks afterwards, she had no intention of going back again. Yesterday afternoon I bumped into her in the corridor and she announced that she'd bought a better tent and mattress and thermal leggings and she and her daughter were booked again. Same campsite as me. 'We can hang out like last year' she said.

I'm already booked into the campsite and on the volunteer rota, so I'm committed. How can I politely say that they spoiled last year's break for me, and I'm not doing it again?

OP posts:
C152 · 05/04/2025 14:46

You are a kind and generous person, OP. It shows when you won't even countenance on here that your colleague is indeed a cheeky fucker (which she most certainly is). I think it's wise you've decided to highlight to her in advance that you don't want a repeat of last year. Good luck!

saltinesandcoffeecups · 05/04/2025 14:39

@Craquedechevalier I’m glad you’re going to have direct conversation. If it helps at all I have used similar with good effect.

I go on a sailing trip once a year, it’s a unique experience (not a big cruise ship) I’m happy to tell people about it and get them to the website. But I always make sure to say “Yes, it’s a great experience there are 11 boats to choose from. Have a look if you’re interested and I’ll answer any questions. But you can’t choose Boat X on week Y. That’s my time to get away from everything. Nobody but my DH is welcome from my everyday world!”

I usually get a laugh and a “yeah, I can understand that!”

LePetitMaman · 05/04/2025 14:38

PullTheBricksDown · 05/04/2025 14:15

It's not so much that she won't understand. It's that it doesn't benefit her to get what you're saying. So it's easier to pretend not to, show up anyway, and count on you being too nice to refuse or send them away. You will have to be prepared to do that this time. People assume, often correctly, that if they lay it on think others won't have the guts to refuse them.

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Yes this.

Sorry OP but she's not "cheery and outgoing" she's a sly fucker who's using you because you give her a break with her child. And that's not what your holiday is for. But unfortunately probably the only way she'll get time to herself, and that's her priority, so she's not letting you get away without a fight...

I was in a single mums group about 15yrs ago and we had one like this, and boy did it piss the rest of us off. We all get it, it's hard doing everything yourself, but you don't just force yourself on another adult to take some of your parenting duties. That's what the eating meals with her child is, someone else to engage, supervise, meal prep, clean up. That's what the surprise babysitting where she's so entitled that she's already paid for the ticket, certain you'll be looking after her kid. She's making you a stand in parent. You need to be very clear that this is your lone time away from your DH and DC.

Tortielady · 05/04/2025 14:35

Poor @Craquedechevalier There's something really counterintuitive about not being unable to find the space and time for solitude at a literary festival of all places. Most readers, whether they are extroverts, introverts or somewhere in between, love books and reading because of the time they give them to enjoy their own company. I know you're volunteering, but helping to set out chairs for the event with a writer (especially one you like) isn't the same as being bounced into providing facilities and childcare for Agnes and her DD. Several people have offered very plain, clear, scripts for handling this situation, unadorned with apologies, qualifications and hints about coffee and I'd go for one of them. Whether consciously or not (and it doesn't really matter either way) Agnes sounds like the mouse who gets a cookie. Don't offer anything and you may not have to spend the week fending her off.

ValentinesGranny · 05/04/2025 14:34

You are not selfish for wanting the week you planned. I do think you're wrong about your colleague... she is a CF, expecting you to provide food, warmth and babysitting again. The first time I could almost forgive, but not twice.

TheGaaTheSkaAndTheRa · 05/04/2025 14:32

Every time she turns up, be on your mobile phone on a call that you are not going to cease and it's private. Hold you hand over the thing and look at her, expecting her to go away and that you won't resume the call until she is out of earshot.

Do this every time. Every single time. She will get the message eventually.

verycloakanddaggers · 05/04/2025 14:30

Craquedechevalier · 05/04/2025 12:40

I like this: thank you v much. I could say that to her now, with weeks to go, so that she can be prepared for having to manage better on her own. I might also say pretty much the same thing to one trusted colleague who might back it up by quietly commenting to 'Agnes' that this festival week is my one week of the year to escape on my own. I know it sounds selfish but I don't want to be expected to have to look after or compromise for anyone else for this one week.

I can see how tough it is for a single parent in her circumstances and I think it's great of her to take her daughter away to something like the festival. Maybe she can pair up with another single parent and they can help each other out.

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It isn't selfish. It might help to do some reading about boundaries and self-respect. The other party is treating you extremely badly and you're allowing it.

It helps to be clear e.g
'Hi Agnes, I'm glad you liked the festival and want to go back. Last year I didn't say this but I want to be clear this time that I go on my own on purpose. So please don't factor in spending time with me.'

Nanny0gg · 05/04/2025 14:28

Craquedechevalier · 05/04/2025 12:40

I like this: thank you v much. I could say that to her now, with weeks to go, so that she can be prepared for having to manage better on her own. I might also say pretty much the same thing to one trusted colleague who might back it up by quietly commenting to 'Agnes' that this festival week is my one week of the year to escape on my own. I know it sounds selfish but I don't want to be expected to have to look after or compromise for anyone else for this one week.

I can see how tough it is for a single parent in her circumstances and I think it's great of her to take her daughter away to something like the festival. Maybe she can pair up with another single parent and they can help each other out.

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None of that is your problem!

You are not family or best mates and frankly she'd be better off going on her own to somewhere her DD is more likely to have fun!

Shodan · 05/04/2025 14:27

I think I'd make a bit of a deal about 'checking' that she's got all the equipment she needs to keep warm, hydrated, entertained etc for the week. Say that last year as a newbie to the festival you understood that she needed so much help, but this year she'll be on her own a lot more, as you'll be very busy volunteering and enjoying your downtime on your own.

viques · 05/04/2025 14:26

Ahsheeit · 05/04/2025 12:25

Hi Janet

Whilst it was nice spending time with you last year, this festival is my time for me, which is why none of my family or friends are with me. I'm happy to meet you for a coffee, but I'm someone who needs time out to do my own thing. I'm just not as sociable as you are and want to do this festival on my own, usual terms.

Do NOT apologise, as you're doing nothing wrong. She's the one gatecrashing.

This is good.

But if she still turns up banging on the window then you will have to fall back on “Can’t let you in unfortunately, strong possibility I have been in contact with scabies and haven’t had time to de contaminate the van.”

( when you get back to school then fortunately it turned out to be a heat rash, phew!)

wizzywig · 05/04/2025 14:26

Say you're planning on hooking up with random men

SuziQuinto · 05/04/2025 14:25

Get some empty vodka bottles and keep them in your van. When she knocks on the door, say "that was some breakfast! I'm just going to the off licence, want anything?"

FlamingoQueen · 05/04/2025 14:22

I would say, before you go, that you’re really looking forward to having a week of peace and quiet after working so hard this year. Emphasise that it’s your week of peace, but hopefully you’ll get the chance to have a meal with her one evening. Say that you’re going to be tough this year and not let anyone into your space.

EmeraldRoulette · 05/04/2025 14:21

Snowfalling · 05/04/2025 12:18

This is really good, but I'd lose the 'whilst I love your company' part, she'll fixate on that. These sorts of people have a rhino's hide, they don't take hints and will only read what they want to read in a message. Don't leave any room for ambiguity.

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Yes, this

and tell her you're not babysitting.

PullTheBricksDown · 05/04/2025 14:15

Craquedechevalier · 05/04/2025 14:09

I said I was planning to do both. Speak to 'Agnes' directly telling her that I go to Hay to enjoy a week alone and ask Jane, who Agnes has a lot of contact with, to reinforce the message that I don't want company when I'm there.

If Agnes can't understand then I'm in deeper tish than I thought.

Show quote history

It's not so much that she won't understand. It's that it doesn't benefit her to get what you're saying. So it's easier to pretend not to, show up anyway, and count on you being too nice to refuse or send them away. You will have to be prepared to do that this time. People assume, often correctly, that if they lay it on think others won't have the guts to refuse them.

Overhaul54 · 05/04/2025 14:14

I get it Op, you're not a dick and actually you had no.idea last year how it would play out

I would phrase it like a "you" issue.

"It's not you colleague, you're lovey but I'm really not keen on meeting up with anyone during the week especially family or work
(Very important) I know I'm anti social but you do understand don't you?

TeacherLily · 05/04/2025 14:14

She may read it here anyway, unless you’ve changed major details I’d think it was fairly outing.
Just be honest. Most people will completely appreciate ‘I’m away for some ‘me’ time. I hope you understand and I hope I don’t come across rude not wanting to spend time with you’.

Blackkittenfluff · 05/04/2025 14:13

Craquedechevalier · 05/04/2025 14:09

I said I was planning to do both. Speak to 'Agnes' directly telling her that I go to Hay to enjoy a week alone and ask Jane, who Agnes has a lot of contact with, to reinforce the message that I don't want company when I'm there.

If Agnes can't understand then I'm in deeper tish than I thought.

Show quote history

If you set her straight and your colleague sets her straight and she still comes banging on your van door, remind her of what you both told her.
You'll have to be very firm.
She clearly intends to use your space as she did last year.
She's a cheeky unit.

MuffinsOrCake · 05/04/2025 14:13

Do another type of hobby from now on
that is probably the least helpful reply

Dinglydelll · 05/04/2025 14:13

Def dont do anything like dinner - zero compromises - people like her erode boundaries by nibbling away.

Goldyyup · 05/04/2025 14:13

I would stick a sign on the camper van and say working, do not disturb. If she still knocks on, say you are working.

cestlaviecherie · 05/04/2025 14:12

I would also add that as you're having to deal with members of the public all day and be a chatty happy volunteer that you need the rest of the time alone in silence to decompress.

It's going to be very hard as you apparently don't like saying no to people or being direct, and everything you hint about now will lead her to conclude it doesn't apply to her as it didn't last time.

MeridianB · 05/04/2025 14:11

Exactly! Don’t suggest any coffee or time together. She will absolutely see it as ‘the same as last time’. And yes to a colleague laying it on thick beforehand.

Original poster
Craquedechevalier · 05/04/2025 14:09

pictoosh · 05/04/2025 13:21

Sorry, my point being (in the post above), she may not realise or have considered that she is imposing. She may well assume that you'd enjoy having company, as that is what she (and lots of other people) would prefer.
I think you'll have to explain it to her.

I said I was planning to do both. Speak to 'Agnes' directly telling her that I go to Hay to enjoy a week alone and ask Jane, who Agnes has a lot of contact with, to reinforce the message that I don't want company when I'm there.

If Agnes can't understand then I'm in deeper tish than I thought.

OP posts:
dizzydizzydizzy · 05/04/2025 14:09

Grimbeorn · 05/04/2025 11:45

I think if you phrase it kindly, then I'd go with the "me time" line. Tell her you really value the recharge from being by yourself in the caravan and you've got several good books lined up to read. Really ram it home that having the caravan to yourself is the entire reason you go on this trip every year.

Now you've got yourself into this hole though, I think you will need to meet her once, if you value a civil work relationship. Suggest a coffee shop or something, anywhere that isn't the caravan.

If she doesn't accept "me time" as a reason, she's a tit, as it's perfectly valid. If she pushes you, stand firm.

This.