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Original poster

Work colleague has decided to come on holiday with me — again...

843 replies

Craquedechevalier · 05/04/2025 11:39

I work in a school (admin, not teaching). Every year for the last 11 years, I've been away on my own over the summer half-term to attend a big literary festival. My DH and DC have never wanted to come. Both children are now in their 20s.

I register as a volunteer for the festival, book a campsite for a week, do my volunteering duties and attend events at the festival, read, sleep lots, eat what I want and do some work remotely. I have several friends who do similar. It's my 'me' week and I look forward to it very much. Several people at work know what I do and occasionally they turn up at the festival for a day or two. We bump into each other at the festival site, have a coffee — not a problem.

Last year I arrived on the campsite and was setting the van up when someone banged on the window. It was a colleague with her 7-year-old daughter, asking for help to put their tent up. They were camping on the same site in a tent for the week. I helped out, reluctantly. Then they wanted to come in and join me in the van because there was a chilly wind and they were cold. I made them drinks, they poked around the van and didn't seem to want to leave. It went on like that. The weather wasn't great and whenever I was in the van they'd come round and expect to sit with me in the warm or have hot drinks or a meal. They had a car and went out sometimes during the day, but never brought back a takeaway or food to help out. I felt under pressure to host them and so ended up avoiding the van as much as possible. One evening my colleague asked me to look after her daughter while she attended a comedy gig at the festival. She'd already bought a ticket: I didn't feel as if I could say no. I felt as if I'd lost all my down time to looking after them.

They left a day early, which was a relief: they weren't prepared for the reality of camping and from what my colleague said in the weeks afterwards, she had no intention of going back again. Yesterday afternoon I bumped into her in the corridor and she announced that she'd bought a better tent and mattress and thermal leggings and she and her daughter were booked again. Same campsite as me. 'We can hang out like last year' she said.

I'm already booked into the campsite and on the volunteer rota, so I'm committed. How can I politely say that they spoiled last year's break for me, and I'm not doing it again?

OP posts:
CoaltownFifer · 05/04/2025 16:53

I would contact her asap and let her know where you stand so that there is no hint of confusion when the CF tries to hand over child care duties to you on your trip!

Something like:

Hi CF

"I hope you're doing well! I heard you’ve rebooked the same festival this year, I'm glad you and child had a good time last year. For me, though, that trip is really something I do to recharge with much needed quiet time, and I’m planning to keep it very low-key and solo again this year.

I’ll be keeping mostly to myself and am not planning to meet up or hang out during the trip, as I really need that space to unwind. I also won’t be available to help with childcare or anything like that. I hope you understand. Just wanted to give you a heads up early so that you can plan your activities with this in mind."

I am someone who attends festivals like this alone for some me time and would absolutely hate anyone, especially from work!, invading my space. Nip it in the bud now OP before it becomes an annual thing for her too.

LushLemonTart · 05/04/2025 16:53

ilovesooty · 05/04/2025 16:29

There are some good suggestions here, but there's no need for the OP to say "I'm sorry but" or "apologies". She has nothing to apologise for.

No she doesn't have to apologise. Makes them think you're weak.

AltitudeCheck · 05/04/2025 16:51

Tell her that you are glad she's better prepared for camping this time around now she knows what it is like.

I agree, she might think that she's doing you a favour, that you are lonely because you're there alone, she might be thinking 'poor you' because DH doesn't come with you.

Explain that volunteering leaves you a bit 'peopled out' and that you love having the rest of the time to yourself to read and relax then invite her to a meal at yours on the last night of the festival... that helps make it clear that you aren't planning on hosting her before then!

Get a 'gone fishing' or 'do not disturb' sign for your door.

Wiseplumant · 05/04/2025 16:47

I think sometimes out going extroverts need to be told politely but plainly that not everyone is like them. Explain to her that this is your time to recharge your batteries on your terms. This would drive me mad and I would rather be rude than forego my peace

CharityShopMensGlasses · 05/04/2025 16:44

Craquedechevalier · 05/04/2025 12:40

I like this: thank you v much. I could say that to her now, with weeks to go, so that she can be prepared for having to manage better on her own. I might also say pretty much the same thing to one trusted colleague who might back it up by quietly commenting to 'Agnes' that this festival week is my one week of the year to escape on my own. I know it sounds selfish but I don't want to be expected to have to look after or compromise for anyone else for this one week.

I can see how tough it is for a single parent in her circumstances and I think it's great of her to take her daughter away to something like the festival. Maybe she can pair up with another single parent and they can help each other out.

Show quote history

Yes this,
And Id also be really, really specific about it being one meal and the rest of the time being needed for your own time. Not coming to your van. This is your one bit of headspace and down time in the year. It isn't unkind to have boundaries, but for her to understand yours, after last year I think you're going to need to be very clear and very boundaried if they turn up.
I hope it's good weather. Do you have a camping stove they could borrow for hot water so she's not using this as an excuse to come to you?

BatSignal · 05/04/2025 16:44

You remind me - I once knew an artist who'd got a residency on a remote island - cottage of her own to work in, beautiful views, beautiful light - peace and quiet for a couple of months.

A week before she left, her husband said 'Surprise, darling! I've swung it with my boss that I can work remotely for the next two months, so I can come with you!'

They are now divorced.

DarlingCoffee · 05/04/2025 16:43

I think you’re going to have to be very blunt and get your message across ASAP otherwise you will have a repeat of last year! Hope you manage to have a good time and some well deserved me-time.

Hippee · 05/04/2025 16:43

The fact that you aren't even going with your own family should be proof enough that you want to be alone. Sounds like heaven, by the way. Hope you get sorted.

thismummydrinksgin · 05/04/2025 16:41

Perhaps proactively say, hey I have a few plans this year so shall we say we will catch up on Wednesday at 2 before I go off for dinner with a friend at 5? That way you’re more in control. Shut the curtains and ignore the door - pretends you were asleep. If she asks you to babysit say ohh I’m sorry I’m feeling rough need to sleep, or oh sorry I’m off out also! Have your reasons ready. Otherwise she will be there every year . Tell her your kids are hoping to come up at some point or something.

Birdseyetrifle · 05/04/2025 16:37

Honesty is send something today or she’ll be getting tickets for this and assuming you will look after her child.

This will be stressing you out, get it over with today.

Peacepleaselouise · 05/04/2025 16:36

I’d ring the festival and ask to move campsites …
Tell her you’ll arrange a time to have a cuppa. Don’t tell her where you’re camping. Make contact toward the end of the week for the cuppa and keep it brief.

Orangemintcream · 05/04/2025 16:32

She absolutely is a CF.

CFs home in on people like the OP who seem to have an inability to say no.

Youll need to grow a backbone and use some of the statements suggested here. I prefer the ones explaining you didn’t enjoy last year either and don’t want to repeat it.

ilovesooty · 05/04/2025 16:29

There are some good suggestions here, but there's no need for the OP to say "I'm sorry but" or "apologies". She has nothing to apologise for.

BakelikeBertha · 05/04/2025 16:25

I'd say "I'm sorry Jane, I know that you enjoyed our getting together last year, but the reason I do the volunteering, is that it gives me an opportunity to spend time on my own, read my books, and recharge my batteries, which is why none of the family come with me, so I'm afraid you'll have to count me out this year".

It's simple, truthful, and direct, so if she gets the hump, that's her tough luck.

bevm72yellow · 05/04/2025 16:24

She may not be a CF but she is a freeloader of your time, food and drinks......so unload her. Be busy, look busy... pick up anything that makes you look busy. Minimal friendly time assisting, helping, listening ....not even a smile as that encourages them to tag along.

venusandmars · 05/04/2025 16:24

You need to be so much more direct with your colleague, and do it now, not wait until the event.

"Agnes, I've been a volunteer at this event for years, and for the past 15 years I've been attending on my own. It is my sanctuary and space. I found last year challenging because I didn't get that space. I don't want to spend that much time with any other people (not just you), I can't do that again. I'm happy to meet up on Saturday morning for coffee at X or Y, and on Monday evening for a pizza at Z. The rest of the time I need to be on my own, or volunteering, or spending time with other different friends."

LillyPJ · 05/04/2025 16:21

Craquedechevalier · 05/04/2025 11:59

If I say I'll be busy she'll probably smile and say 'I know you're busy, we'll just pop over when you're around to have a drink with you when we see you in the van.' Last year she told to others at work about how she and her daughter relied on me for hot water and food and warmth and how they wouldn't have survived without me.

I don't think she's a CF, I just think she's one of those cheery outgoing people who assume people are happy to spend time with her and her child. She's a single mum: it can't be easy, I know. I can't help it that I'm someone who needs my own space.

I think she is a CF though. She imposed on you and took advantage, and now she's assuming you'll do the same again. You need to be more assertive and stop trying to be polite.

LillyPJ · 05/04/2025 16:17

Unfortunately, some people can't accept that anyone is quite happy to be on their own. I used to have a work colleague who used to tag along every lunchtime when I'd much rather have some time alone. I think you just have to be blunt. Say you'll be too busy or too exhausted and that you won't be able to 'hang out' with her. And keep repeating that until she gets the message.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 05/04/2025 16:12

MoodyMargaret11 · 05/04/2025 16:08

I'd make as simple and painless as possible OP -
Either change site and take the risk of walking in the rain (which may or may not happen)
Or be "feeling unwell/exhausted" the entire week, first time she knocks tell her you'll text her or find her once you feel better, then don't. If she comes knocking again, you're still unwell barely managing your volunteer duties, and that's the end!

That doesn’t solve anything. Then the poor OP is still dodging her all week. Honestly it’s ok to be direct and upfront. If the CW gets her nose out joint that’s on her to deal with and not the OP.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 05/04/2025 16:10

Anxioustealady · 05/04/2025 16:02

I would feel the same way

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I forgot to add anyone can let me know if they are in the market for a very unique American sailing experience, I’ll be happy to share. lol…I’ll also let you know what boat/week to avoid 😁

MoodyMargaret11 · 05/04/2025 16:08

I'd make as simple and painless as possible OP -
Either change site and take the risk of walking in the rain (which may or may not happen)
Or be "feeling unwell/exhausted" the entire week, first time she knocks tell her you'll text her or find her once you feel better, then don't. If she comes knocking again, you're still unwell barely managing your volunteer duties, and that's the end!

FinallyHere · 05/04/2025 16:07

set expectations up front

no not make any excuses

say nothing that can provide any kind of in.

accept this experience as a personal challenge and do not allow anyone to steal your lovely alone-time.

so many excellent suggestions of what to say in order to manage expectations. Use one of them and just go for it.

all the best: your life will get better and better as a result of adopting this approach.

ForestAtTheSea · 05/04/2025 16:06

Craquedechevalier · 05/04/2025 11:59

If I say I'll be busy she'll probably smile and say 'I know you're busy, we'll just pop over when you're around to have a drink with you when we see you in the van.' Last year she told to others at work about how she and her daughter relied on me for hot water and food and warmth and how they wouldn't have survived without me.

I don't think she's a CF, I just think she's one of those cheery outgoing people who assume people are happy to spend time with her and her child. She's a single mum: it can't be easy, I know. I can't help it that I'm someone who needs my own space.

I think she knows what she's doing as shown by her telling other people how helpful you were and combine that with never bringing any contribution, food or thanks for that.
If she really valued your help, she would have contributed or helped you out in a different way in return.
Hopefully this helps you with seeing she is not as nice as it seems, so you can defend your holiday week better against her.

Anxioustealady · 05/04/2025 16:02

saltinesandcoffeecups · 05/04/2025 15:15

In my case it’s unlikely because it’s not a big boat (~26 pax maximum) and it’s a unique experience that isn’t really mainstream. It’s not like a resort or big ship cruise where someone could just ‘bump into you’ and there are 10/11 other boats to choose from that are similar. I wouldn’t care if they chose the same week but a different boat. There would be one event we might see each other.

If someone did book my boat and week. I’d be pissed and would probably say “WTH?” The trip would be ruined for me and I would be pretty damned mad, their trip would be ruined because I’d be outwardly bitchy for the week.

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I would feel the same way

Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast · 05/04/2025 16:00

IGetWeak · 05/04/2025 14:08

Ironic that you don’t seem to have any trouble being direct now…

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🤣
Good for her, i say. It's good practice for dealing with her colleague. Start with faceless randoms on the Internet and work your way up.

Yes I did read your post, OP, but tbh based on your posts, I was honestly working on the assumption that you'd chicken out of telling her yourself and you'd hope that your friend saying it would mean you wouldn't have to.

Very happy to be wrong though. Nothing against you btw. Not having a pop. It's just I've been there, done that, worn the t-shirt and laid down while people wiped their feet on it.

I spent 20 years being the world's most people pleasing doormat and have done everything possible at one time or another to wiggle out of situations that a simple oh hell no would have sorted.

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