Work colleague has decided to come on holiday with me — again...

@MyRamona maybe get a self help book ?

Not sure how you'd broach the subject, but maybe if you can get the conversation around to talking about the festival, drop in subtle hints like:

'As you've already done it once, you know what to expect, hope you and your daughter have got lots planned'

'I really love going - I love having the week all to myself to chill and unwind'

'Just to warn you, I've got a busy schedule so I won't be able to host this year but I'm sure you've got lots planned now you know what it's like'

'We'll have to arrange to meet for coffee one of the days, not sure when yet though, I'll have to check my rota and let you know'

'You could really do with a trip to The Range, they have some great camping stuff- kettle, cooking hobs.'

'Don't forget to pack for all weathers, it can get chilly in the tent, remember'

Hopefully, she'll get the hint. Good luck.

I don't want to hijack the thread but basically trying to please everyone blew up massively in my face and as a result of that i realised a few things.

the reality of people being cross with me was not actually a big deal, the fear of it was worse. My mind made it worse! When it came to it, it was fine.

People don't actually appreciate or respect a doormat. They hold you in contempt and laugh at you. They see niceness as weakness. you justify your conflict avoidance with terms like the moral highground and being the bigger person but the only one who sees it that way is you. They see someone they can use.

then you realise that you owe nothing to people who don't give a shit about you and suddenly you no longer give a fuck if someone sulks or snipes or huffs or jabs at you not doing what they want, because they just don't matter.

It's a process. But it also includes your very own fuck this shit moment of clarity.

I also wouldn't worry about her reading this thread. Because the internet has just outed her as quite the prick...so she'd be quite stupid to bring it up now she knows how 99% of people view her conduct.

If you are reading, hopefully lesson learned eh.

I think she has a real nerve, turning up on your holiday without any warning. Why would she think you would want to spend a week with her daughter - or her, for that matter?

I'd be so annoyed that I wouldn't care about upsetting her, tbh. She needs to be told!

@MyRamona have you tried being assertive looking in a mirror? Maybe start small. It's easy once you get used to it. You'll feel stronger and free.
I've never really had trouble saying no but I know plenty who do.

What you’ve just described is the virtual definition of CF …

It sounds like you overcame that, I’d love to know how you did that, asking for a friend 😆

I agree that being extrovert and not understanding social norms can be mutually exclusive.

I have known someone for over ten years for whom the Hay festival is a very valued event for them, and I would never think of interfering in any way of their time there.

I don't know if that would ever happen, but can you suggest that you have to be careful about how you socialise in free time at the festival? Seem to be professional at all times? Claim that you don't want in any way to risk not being allowed to volunteer in future years?

I think the saying no responses are valid - but if you feel guilty, or a softer way might be to do the "me time" but offer a compromise of meeting up one evening - to eat out /share a takeaway - let her know in advance and agree which evening.

This is a good idea - do it sooner rather than later so she can plan. Might want to add you’ll not be able to help with hot meals or water like last time.

Could you say something like this to her

”I wanted to have a chat before Hay to avoid any mismatch of expectations this year.

I have many friends who would love to come with me to the festival every year but that’s not the kind of holiday I want when I’m attending Hays. I really welcome the solitude and the chance to catch up on reading, do my volunteering and to catch up with some old friends and volunteers who I only see once a year at the festival.

i wanted to mention this to you well in advance as I didn’t want you to think I was being unfriendly or that I don’t like you or your child but I really won’t have any time to socialise with either of you this year nor am I available to do any babysitting or childcare for you as I -already have my own plans for the week. My sense is that you would prefer a much more convivial break and the festival is truly a great place to meet new and like minded friends or if you’d prefer to spend time with someone you know and share some childcare I wanted to give you a chance to invite someone to come with you”

@Craquedechevalier

I knew it was Hay! misses point

Firm, direct, truthful and in advance is the way to
go here.

Send this. its to the point but not nasty

I wouldn’t say I hope you understand. It is a question that invites a response, and also implies you need to explain your reasoning to her. You don’t, and it matters not whether she gets it or not.

As I said polite but direct. Make it absolutely clear you are doing your own thing and are not available for hot drinks, chat or babysitting ( babysitting requests foist upon folk after arrangements made are way into CF territory. I stand by this. ). Do this know, and repeat if necessary when there as I suspect she is used to getting her own way, share did last year.

@Wiseplumant did say that outgoing extroverts sometimes need to be told not everyone is like them, @saltinesandcoffeecups - she didn’t say all extroverts do.

I would book in meet ups with her before ye go. Have a conversation where you say before we go let’s firm up the plan.
l’ll meet for coffee on Monday morning (neutral place) and dinner on Wed evening in a local eatery.

Tell her you’re busy outside of those times.

Same. I'm an extrovert but know social norms.

I would be honest with her, mention that it's your down time.That you sometimes work remotely! It's your own time as a volunteer & need time to yourself, in your van in your own personal space.Why do people think if you are on your own, you want company? Apart from the fact that this work colleague sounds manipulative!

I was once trying to manage expectations with my MIL and said cheerily 'Thing is, I like my own space because I'm an introvert,' and she protested 'Aww, no, don't say that, you're not!' as if I was running myself down...

😄

“Yes if we bump into each other occasionally but just to warn you I’m treating the week as my Retreat from Real Life week so probably won’t be sociable. Nothing personal, obviously, I just like to listen, read and retreat”

Please don’t lump extroverts in with socially clueless people. Some of us do have manners and understand social norms.

#notallextrovertsaresocialbafoons 😜

It's not your issue or problem if she does meet another parent or noit.

You really need to tougherln. Up and be honest. And firm. So what if she falls out with you.

Part of growing up is learning to say no and put your needs first. It's not selfish it's self preservation

You say that you don't think she's a CF, just a cheery person who thinks people like spending time with her and her child. But she can be both.

Last time she came to the festival, she would bother you constantly to stay with you in the camper and have you make her hot drinks, as well as asking you to babysit her child. But although you know she went out for takeout with her child, she never brought one back for you, nor did she do anything to reciprocate for the help and support she expected from you. That was CF behavior on her part - being a taker and not making even a small effort to acknowledge or appreciate what one is being given, let alone to give anything in reciprocation.

My suspicion is that her close family and the extensive support they have given her, have fostered in her the expectation that she is entitled to a lot of help and support from others, and that she has no obligation to reciprocate that help. That might make sense within her own family, because since she and her child are their relatives, they have an interest in helping her. But it makes no sense outside of her family. You have no obligation to help her and it's wrong for her to take from you without any acknowledgement that she's doing so.

I can imagine that it's awkward to tell someone that they are inconveniencing you when they expect you to house and entertain them and their small child for a week, but it's also obvious. If she had any self-awareness or sense of normal boundaries, she would already know that hosting her and her daughter in your camper for a week is not fun for you, and that entertaining a 7 year old (and babysitting!) is work.

You just need a way to phrase this that isn't mean. I think you need to tell her something or else your wonderful week of rest is going to become the sort of vacation from which you return more tired than when you left. Maybe something like, "Barbara, I understand you really enjoyed Hays last year but to be honest I found it really tiring to have guests in my camper. I need the week to recharge and I'm unable to host you again this year. Also, I won't be able to babysit Amanda."

Thinking about this some more @Craquedechevalier

There've been so many good suggestions, but a lot of them require you to adjust or alter your behaviour eg shut your van door, look like you're asleep. I hope you'll be able to carry on just as you normally would, without having your colleague pestering you all the time.

I know if it were me, I'd be adjusting my behaviour and creeping around to avoid her, all the time getting more and more annoyed with her, while feeling mean in doing so.

So I hope you find a way to impress upon her that you don't want her company. And so that you can sit outside (if there's glorious sunshine) without feeling harassed.