Page 13 | Work colleague has decided to come on holiday with me — again...

CountessWindyBottom · 06/04/2025 19:19

I love Hay so much and you’ve inspired me to go again when time permits. And I know exactly which campsite you are talking about so you shouldn’t have to inconvenience yourself simply to avoid any social awkwardness.

What people have suggested and what you have agreed to do it most definitely the best option. Leaving it until the festival will make you apprehensive and you want to enjoy this much anticipated time away as much as you usually do (bar last year).

I think the idea of being brutally but kindly honest is important. Say that the solitude and meditative aspect is something you look forward to enormously (backed up by your friend) and that you are enjoying not having to answer doors/phone calls/interruptions/demands which, I imagine, are all too commonplace in your job.

She is not your responsibility but set down your boundaries early and have a conversation with her if necessary and go and enjoy your me time. It sounds wonderful 💕

dutchyoriginal · 06/04/2025 19:17

Craquedechevalier · 06/04/2025 09:04

Yes, there are lots of activities and events for children and she took her daughter to some of them each day. They also went into town, walked down by the river, went out in the car sightseeing, went kayaking, went on guided walks, had picnics and various other things. But when they were back on the campsite, they'd check if I was in the van and if there was any sign of me they knocked and anticipated coming in for a chat and a drink. I'm sure they thought they were being friendly to a lonely older woman who was there on her own.

I swerved them a couple of times — grabbed my bag and coat and said I was just off to an event if I saw them coming. But they'd knock at around 8am to see if I had any spare hot water and then come in and wait while the kettle boiled and eye up my toast or cereal and only leave when I had to go off on volunteering duty. And often when I got back in the early afternoon they'd pop over for a chat to show me what they'd been doing in the morning, and the child would ask for some juice or squash... And then back again around 6pm.

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OMG! I am a "the more the merrier, let's be sociable" type and I would HATE this. Incredibly rude and an imposition of her.

WeHaveTheRabbit · 06/04/2025 19:11

In your shoes, I would use one of the suggested text messages above, any of the ones that state firmly that you are planning to spend the week on your own and won't be available to see her except once for coffee on X day at X time, not the ones that are apologetic. I would also contact her ASAP so that your position is absolutely clear to her long before the festival begins. I would be on edge the whole time if she hadn't been told clearly what you are planning and expecting. The thought of being unable to relax, anticipating a knock at the door at any moment, sounds dreadful.

I very much agree with @RawBloomersregarding the lack of reciprocity last year. This colleague wasn't trying to do something nice for you, even if she patronisingly views you as a "lonely old woman" who would enjoy her company. She was using you, plain and simple. If last year's festival had been the beginning of an actual friendship, I might think otherwise. But you've said that you remain essentially on nodding terms. She's not your friend. She may well see you as someone she can take advantage of. Though it's unlikely she'd frame the situation to herself in that way, since "takers" very rarely see themselves clearly for who they are.

GrannyNannyMagratandGreebo · 06/04/2025 19:07

Not sure if it's already been said (I haven't read the whole thread), I think you csn buy privacy film online - that way no one csn see in through your windows (and make sure you lock your door).

SpainToday · 06/04/2025 19:00

Sadly, some people just can’t read the room

PrettyParrot · 06/04/2025 18:57

Completely off topic OP, but is your username a reference to the crusader castle in Syria? I do hope so :)

Casperroonie · 06/04/2025 18:51

Craquedechevalier · 05/04/2025 11:39

I work in a school (admin, not teaching). Every year for the last 11 years, I've been away on my own over the summer half-term to attend a big literary festival. My DH and DC have never wanted to come. Both children are now in their 20s.

I register as a volunteer for the festival, book a campsite for a week, do my volunteering duties and attend events at the festival, read, sleep lots, eat what I want and do some work remotely. I have several friends who do similar. It's my 'me' week and I look forward to it very much. Several people at work know what I do and occasionally they turn up at the festival for a day or two. We bump into each other at the festival site, have a coffee — not a problem.

Last year I arrived on the campsite and was setting the van up when someone banged on the window. It was a colleague with her 7-year-old daughter, asking for help to put their tent up. They were camping on the same site in a tent for the week. I helped out, reluctantly. Then they wanted to come in and join me in the van because there was a chilly wind and they were cold. I made them drinks, they poked around the van and didn't seem to want to leave. It went on like that. The weather wasn't great and whenever I was in the van they'd come round and expect to sit with me in the warm or have hot drinks or a meal. They had a car and went out sometimes during the day, but never brought back a takeaway or food to help out. I felt under pressure to host them and so ended up avoiding the van as much as possible. One evening my colleague asked me to look after her daughter while she attended a comedy gig at the festival. She'd already bought a ticket: I didn't feel as if I could say no. I felt as if I'd lost all my down time to looking after them.

They left a day early, which was a relief: they weren't prepared for the reality of camping and from what my colleague said in the weeks afterwards, she had no intention of going back again. Yesterday afternoon I bumped into her in the corridor and she announced that she'd bought a better tent and mattress and thermal leggings and she and her daughter were booked again. Same campsite as me. 'We can hang out like last year' she said.

I'm already booked into the campsite and on the volunteer rota, so I'm committed. How can I politely say that they spoiled last year's break for me, and I'm not doing it again?

Omg she sounds a complete nightmare. How anyone can be so unaware is beyond belief. You have to be very assertive with people like that and make sure you're ready for a quick response when you see her to make it clear it's not going to happen this time round.

Circleofthesun · 06/04/2025 18:46

Craquedechevalier · 06/04/2025 14:33

We bump into each other at work occasionally. We know each others' names and say hello. I knew a little bit about her because she works in the same department as as a friend of mine, but we weren't and aren't friends.

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@Craquedechevalier does she work in a department /position she regards as superior to yours? Or do you work in a supporting role to hers or anything? I wonder if that also plays into her assumed authority & superiority in deciding how you spend your free time at the festival. Would she do the same to women of her own age & standing professionally? It may play into her using you for what services you provide to her who occupies a greater & more important role (in her mind) in addition to your being older that older woman (to be pitied for being) on your own (the horror!). Maybe not just curious!

Newyorklady · 06/04/2025 18:38

Unfortunately she doesn’t seem to be getting the message.
You need to be blunt I think and explain to her why you like the time for yourself.
She isn’t being considerate to your needs.

daisychain01 · 06/04/2025 18:34

Craquedechevalier · 05/04/2025 11:59

If I say I'll be busy she'll probably smile and say 'I know you're busy, we'll just pop over when you're around to have a drink with you when we see you in the van.' Last year she told to others at work about how she and her daughter relied on me for hot water and food and warmth and how they wouldn't have survived without me.

I don't think she's a CF, I just think she's one of those cheery outgoing people who assume people are happy to spend time with her and her child. She's a single mum: it can't be easy, I know. I can't help it that I'm someone who needs my own space.

Sorry to sound harsh, but how can someone be that tin-eared that they ignore your stated needs and wishes. Are they really that thick that they don't get the message?

also I would change your holiday week and go to the camp on a week she isn't there.

Mayana1 · 06/04/2025 18:31

Craquedechevalier · 05/04/2025 11:39

I work in a school (admin, not teaching). Every year for the last 11 years, I've been away on my own over the summer half-term to attend a big literary festival. My DH and DC have never wanted to come. Both children are now in their 20s.

I register as a volunteer for the festival, book a campsite for a week, do my volunteering duties and attend events at the festival, read, sleep lots, eat what I want and do some work remotely. I have several friends who do similar. It's my 'me' week and I look forward to it very much. Several people at work know what I do and occasionally they turn up at the festival for a day or two. We bump into each other at the festival site, have a coffee — not a problem.

Last year I arrived on the campsite and was setting the van up when someone banged on the window. It was a colleague with her 7-year-old daughter, asking for help to put their tent up. They were camping on the same site in a tent for the week. I helped out, reluctantly. Then they wanted to come in and join me in the van because there was a chilly wind and they were cold. I made them drinks, they poked around the van and didn't seem to want to leave. It went on like that. The weather wasn't great and whenever I was in the van they'd come round and expect to sit with me in the warm or have hot drinks or a meal. They had a car and went out sometimes during the day, but never brought back a takeaway or food to help out. I felt under pressure to host them and so ended up avoiding the van as much as possible. One evening my colleague asked me to look after her daughter while she attended a comedy gig at the festival. She'd already bought a ticket: I didn't feel as if I could say no. I felt as if I'd lost all my down time to looking after them.

They left a day early, which was a relief: they weren't prepared for the reality of camping and from what my colleague said in the weeks afterwards, she had no intention of going back again. Yesterday afternoon I bumped into her in the corridor and she announced that she'd bought a better tent and mattress and thermal leggings and she and her daughter were booked again. Same campsite as me. 'We can hang out like last year' she said.

I'm already booked into the campsite and on the volunteer rota, so I'm committed. How can I politely say that they spoiled last year's break for me, and I'm not doing it again?

So I'm the bubbly personality 🤣 and I remember back when I just started working in a new company (and first job in the new country) and I tried to be friendly. As it's a big company and in customer service, we took our breaks few people at the time. So once I came same time as another colleague and we sat together, eat and chat. (Or I chatted, who knows 🤦🏼) Next day we coincidently had break at the same time. She was already there and when I came in I smiled and cheerfuly said: 'Oh, we're together again!' And she gave me the look and said:'I like eating in quiet!'
I got the message 😃 We rarely saw each other after and soon I was promoted to a different department (I think they gave me the job because of my personality 🤣) so I never made it an issue.
But I agree, probably the truth is the best.

laraitopbanana · 06/04/2025 18:31

« Oh sorry, I am expected for duties »
« Oh sorry, I was about to eat and I didn’t prepare much as it is just me but come with your food tomorrow no problem »
« Oh sorry, I can’t tonight but tomorrow in the morning at 9am or in the afternoon. »
« Oh sorry, I catched a bad headache and I am heading to bed, I am not good company this evening, I will see you at work when we are back. »
« Oh it is windy tonight, in the shop you might find…. »

also. Don’t open the door and lock it.
also. Plan your evening so you know why you can’t.

Canterranter · 06/04/2025 18:29

I wouldn't entertain any of it, and would make sure she knows that as soon as possible. However if you do end up with her in the van, here are some tips.
'I'm going to make my dinner now, have a good night.'
'Don't worry x, I'm sure Mummy has something nice planned for your tea'.
'Hi, I'm not meaning to sound anti-social but I'm not really up for a visit now. Maybe catch you tomorrow.'

anon666 · 06/04/2025 18:21

It's not the only solution but if it were me, I'd change campsites and pay twice just to get away.

That's if you can't get any money back.

It's super annoying but I'd avoid the awkward convo by just not being there.

Sennelier1 · 06/04/2025 18:19

Can you tell "Agnes" you invited your imaginary girlfriend to stay with you in the campervan the whole week? She's the lonesome-cowboy (oh well) type and doesn't want any company at all.

Em1ly2023 · 06/04/2025 18:17

Craquedechevalier · 06/04/2025 15:21

This is the page that tells you what you need to know.
https://www.hayfestival.com/stewards.aspx
Yes, quite often you can listen to the talks although you're supposed to be watching the audience to make sure everything's okay, too. But you don't get to choose which team/ venue you're in so it's all a bit random.

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I think she absolutely is a CF - no one can be that socially inept? She shows up just as you’ve made breakfast & dinner - with a hungry child in tow?! I love my time alone & I would have to be blunt / verging on rude to make sure that this cr*p didn’t continue…

Isinglass20 · 06/04/2025 17:57

Sorry I’m meeting friends. See you back in school and if knock on door don’t answer and if see them ‘sorry was in shower’ or yawn noisily and keep saying ‘no thanks’ keep checking your phone/watch and use body language.

Im sure I’ve said this on another post some time ago.

OldScribbler · 06/04/2025 17:56

flowersandmaterials · 05/04/2025 11:54

I think it depends on what level of assertiveness you can manage to muster up.

I would find this difficult, but equally would not want my trip ruined so would have to push myself to sort it before going.

Personally I would say something like you’re glad that they enjoyed themselves last year but want to let them know that you won’t be available to socialise this time because you have planned to work remotely and read several books while you are there and therefore won’t be free.
If you feel that work related stuff is too vague because of her being a colleague, then say something like you are using the opportunity to do an online course that you are interested in, or something similar.

I think the phrase "I won't be able" works well,especially if prefaced by "Oh, what a shame, but ...."

Ladysmirnoff1 · 06/04/2025 17:54

Put a BIG everyone do not disturb me sign on the van.......
Then don't answer if they knock.

Missj25 · 06/04/2025 17:54

Grimbeorn · 05/04/2025 11:45

I think if you phrase it kindly, then I'd go with the "me time" line. Tell her you really value the recharge from being by yourself in the caravan and you've got several good books lined up to read. Really ram it home that having the caravan to yourself is the entire reason you go on this trip every year.

Now you've got yourself into this hole though, I think you will need to meet her once, if you value a civil work relationship. Suggest a coffee shop or something, anywhere that isn't the caravan.

If she doesn't accept "me time" as a reason, she's a tit, as it's perfectly valid. If she pushes you, stand firm.

Exactly this

Bunny65 · 06/04/2025 17:54

Craquedechevalier · 05/04/2025 12:40

I like this: thank you v much. I could say that to her now, with weeks to go, so that she can be prepared for having to manage better on her own. I might also say pretty much the same thing to one trusted colleague who might back it up by quietly commenting to 'Agnes' that this festival week is my one week of the year to escape on my own. I know it sounds selfish but I don't want to be expected to have to look after or compromise for anyone else for this one week.

I can see how tough it is for a single parent in her circumstances and I think it's great of her to take her daughter away to something like the festival. Maybe she can pair up with another single parent and they can help each other out.

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Absolutely she can meet other people and maybe others with children the same age who can team up. Maybe there are activities you could direct her towards.

Bunny65 · 06/04/2025 17:46

Honesty is the best policy. Explain that it's your "me" time to catch up with reading and relaxing between volunteering duties and that you're sorry, it's not personal, but you don't want to be sociable as you go there to be unsociable and unwind. Suggest you could meet up one or twice but that's all. Your colleague might be "friendly" but she is being very presumptious and using you. It is not fair to say they wouldn't have survived without you - what would they have done if you weren't there, gone home? Well that was their lookout. She has put you in an awkward situation and doesn't seem to be aware that she is imposing on your good nature. It should be perfectly obvious to anyone that it was not on to constantly use your facilities and then asking you to babysit was really unfair.

SailingOnAWave · 06/04/2025 17:45

Interested to know... Last year who arrived first? Did she see your van and pitched up next to you? How far away physically was her tent?

I have been in your shoes and the best way is to be a bit blunt and not too welcoming, limit conversation. Make the situation feel awkward.

Ellejay67 · 06/04/2025 17:40

They might have thought you was lonely. Maybe say yer we could spend a day together but honestly a week away from my own family is heaven. Can we agree on what day?

CharlieUniformNovemberTangoYankee · 06/04/2025 17:33

Cheeky fuckers come in all shapes and sizes: this one is 'cheery and outgoing'. Please do not let her ruin another lovely week for you.

Yes, you must tell her in advance that you enjoy the time away from everything and everybody, doing your own thing, not seeing anybody or taking visitors. And definitely rope your friend in to deliver the same message.

That way, when she inevitably rocks up anyway looking for help with the new tent, or (conveniently) appears at feeding time, or - I had to laugh at the bare-faced cheek of this - assumes you'll give HER a bit of time off by looking after her child while she fucks off to a comedy gig (I bet she laughed her arse off!), you'll be able to say 'sorry Agnes, I'm just having a bit of 'me' time'. And shut the van door in her face.

Yes, it's tough being a single mum, taking a child camping for a week. But she us CHOOSING to do it. Nobody, especially not you, is encouraging her to do it. Your time is valuable and you get to choose who to spend it with.

Have fun at Hay and don't waste time feeling guilty about anything. The cheeky fucker certainly won't.