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Original poster

Work colleague has decided to come on holiday with me — again...

843 replies

Craquedechevalier · 05/04/2025 11:39

I work in a school (admin, not teaching). Every year for the last 11 years, I've been away on my own over the summer half-term to attend a big literary festival. My DH and DC have never wanted to come. Both children are now in their 20s.

I register as a volunteer for the festival, book a campsite for a week, do my volunteering duties and attend events at the festival, read, sleep lots, eat what I want and do some work remotely. I have several friends who do similar. It's my 'me' week and I look forward to it very much. Several people at work know what I do and occasionally they turn up at the festival for a day or two. We bump into each other at the festival site, have a coffee — not a problem.

Last year I arrived on the campsite and was setting the van up when someone banged on the window. It was a colleague with her 7-year-old daughter, asking for help to put their tent up. They were camping on the same site in a tent for the week. I helped out, reluctantly. Then they wanted to come in and join me in the van because there was a chilly wind and they were cold. I made them drinks, they poked around the van and didn't seem to want to leave. It went on like that. The weather wasn't great and whenever I was in the van they'd come round and expect to sit with me in the warm or have hot drinks or a meal. They had a car and went out sometimes during the day, but never brought back a takeaway or food to help out. I felt under pressure to host them and so ended up avoiding the van as much as possible. One evening my colleague asked me to look after her daughter while she attended a comedy gig at the festival. She'd already bought a ticket: I didn't feel as if I could say no. I felt as if I'd lost all my down time to looking after them.

They left a day early, which was a relief: they weren't prepared for the reality of camping and from what my colleague said in the weeks afterwards, she had no intention of going back again. Yesterday afternoon I bumped into her in the corridor and she announced that she'd bought a better tent and mattress and thermal leggings and she and her daughter were booked again. Same campsite as me. 'We can hang out like last year' she said.

I'm already booked into the campsite and on the volunteer rota, so I'm committed. How can I politely say that they spoiled last year's break for me, and I'm not doing it again?

OP posts:
Original poster
Craquedechevalier · 07/04/2025 09:56

Squigglesandgiggles · 07/04/2025 01:42

Just to add. People like this really piss me off how blind and inconsiderate they are to what other people might want.
i feel for you op she’s ruining your escape nest and your me time.

The more people play this merciless cheeky fucker number, the more sympathetic I feel towards my colleague's situation. There's a halfway spot between cheeky fuckery and complete independence — one in which a young woman rather bravely decided to take her child camping to a festival on her own, but underestimated how hard it is to stay warm and keep her daughter occupied for the week and sought support from me in my nice warm van. I was apparently doing nothing as far as they were concerned: they knew me and so they looked to me for back-up.

I may be someone who likes my own company but I'm not a selfish arsehole who tells a shivering child to fuck off. (Quoting @Feministwoman [sic] there). Yes, I should have been firmer last time and by enabling them for the first couple of days while they found their feet I encouraged them to think they could rely on me every day. Lesson learned. I will definitely have the difficult conversation, face to face, with my colleague when we're back in school and reset her expectations. Yes, I think she thinks we are friends while I think we're just acquaintances. There's a mismatch. But I also recognise the stress of caring for a child 24/7 in a tent in a field in an unfamiliar place in changeable weather. I've done something similar myself and it was hard. If there'd been a colleague in a van parked nearby I'd have been looking for help too. Hats off to all the single parents out there, trying to enrich their children's lives.

OP posts:
godmum56 · 07/04/2025 09:53

Craquedechevalier · 07/04/2025 09:06

What kind of feminist would you say you are, telling a lonely single mum of your acquaintance, struggling to make the best of their first time camping in less than ideal weather, to fuck off?

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the kind of feminist who was used last year and it looks like will be used again this year.

godmum56 · 07/04/2025 09:51

Craquedechevalier · 06/04/2025 08:28

I think she probably thinks it must be lonely for me, on my own at a festival. My guess is that she thinks she and her little girl are brightening the day of a sad older woman with no friends. I think she thinks she's the one being friendly and that 90 minutes babysitting while she saw a show was just something you do for friends.

Some people seem to have created a scenario in which my colleague and her DD were practically living in the camper with me last year and that I was expected to provide dinner every night. I didn't say that. But they did seem to assume that if I was in the camper it was okay to knock and come in for a bit, and they did tend to turn up around the time I'd be prepping dinner and 'help' me while they had a cup of hot chocolate. And when I'm just cooking pasta and throwing in some sauce, and there's a hungry little girl watching and her mum doesn't appear to have plans for their dinner...

They had a gas ring and a kettle, but standing waiting in the wind or drizzle for a kettle to boil isn't very pleasant. Much nicer to be in a warm van — particularly when you think that by being there you're cheering up a sad and lonely older woman who seems to have no friends.

Show quote history

in that case then yes make SOLIDLY clear that you are not a sad and lonely woman but someone who values and protects their solitude.....but sorry she still sounds like a thoughtless CF to me.....putting her needs ahead of yours and framing it as kindness.

Glitchymn1 · 07/04/2025 09:44

Telling someone to fuck off is vulgar and extremely unpleasant behaviour, would this be in front of the child? Lovely.

Hopefully this year will be more pleasant weather wise and she won’t knock as often. As you were so kind to host last year I can see why she would think to make contact with you again this year. I’d find it very awkward to get out of it as well- I think your plan to have the back up of a trusted work colleague sounds good, provided she takes the hint that is. If she doesn’t take the hint this year then you’ll have to be really strong and say aww Agnes I really come away for some alone time, I’m sorry and please don’t take it the wrong way but I just want to be on my own, I hope you understand.

NoisyFox · 07/04/2025 09:39

I think you just need to be honest and blunt sometimes, I’d understand if you were friends but your not and not everyone will get on, I think whatever you say to her she will be offended especially because she’s a single mum and will find it hard without you, so it’s better to just be honest and be seen as miserable, than to make yourself miserable. I’d also buy some window film so people can’t just peer in and see you (as long as the lights are off).

Justkeepingplatesspinning · 07/04/2025 09:37

@RawBloomers has a good point. She imposed hugely on you last year but has made no effort to get to know you better in the ensuing months. You've got a specific purpose, which is to host them in May at Hay, in her eyes.
I hope you get all this resolved so you are still able to enjoy your week.

Missj25 · 07/04/2025 09:30

Craquedechevalier · 07/04/2025 09:06

What kind of feminist would you say you are, telling a lonely single mum of your acquaintance, struggling to make the best of their first time camping in less than ideal weather, to fuck off?

Show quote history

Agreed !
They are work colleagues, & if they were never work colleagues, why tell her to F off ???
Who actually would say that & like to think of themselves as a nice person !
Plenty ways of saying things & saying them nicely !!!

PiriPiriMenopause · 07/04/2025 09:30

I think you can just be honest and it sounds like you’ll be ok doing that.

no need for hostilities, just say you’re going yourself because you value the time away and it’s nice she’s there too, but you’re not making any firm plans because you want to enjoy the freedom the week will bring you to recharge.

Chattycatt · 07/04/2025 09:24

I’d see her once but then always be busy - answer the door to her whilst pretending to be on your mobile etc and if she persists just say I’ve got a really busy schedule this week but it was nice to run in to you

pictoosh · 07/04/2025 09:21

"If you're so sympathetic to her situation, why have you started this thread?"

Maybe she hoped for some measured advice from adult women who understand that she doesn't want to offend her colleague? It really is an awkward situation...for real, not just bluster on mumsnet.

There have been some really good posts and a lot of dross as well.

Pippyls67 · 07/04/2025 09:18

Do the ‘it’s not you it’s me’ talk. Tell her you NEED to be alone a vast part of the time. It’s just a thing you have to do. Of all the people in the world she’s the loveliest, sunniest, most sociably pleasant person ever, and her daughter is utterly adorable BUT you just CANT be around other people that much. It’s entirely a you thing and it applies to ALL visitors. You can’t help it you’ve always been like that. You’ll never change. It makes you exhausted/stressed/ etc etc to be with anyone else in your van. She can’t really argue with that and she can’t take it personally. Remember to be generously complimentary about her and her daughter though so she can’t possibly misconstrue and think it’s a personal rejection.

BBT213 · 07/04/2025 09:15

Craquedechevalier · 07/04/2025 09:06

What kind of feminist would you say you are, telling a lonely single mum of your acquaintance, struggling to make the best of their first time camping in less than ideal weather, to fuck off?

Show quote history

If you are so sympathetic to her situation, why have you started this thread?

And not sure what being a feminist has to do with anything 🤔 maybe you're conflating feminist with the #bekind wimps

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 07/04/2025 09:11

I agree you don't need to tell her to fuck off, @Craquedechevalier - telling her firmly that this is your alone time, and you need it to recharge should do the trick. But it will need to be firm and clear, and if she doesn't listen, and leave you alone, you may have to be even more direct.

Original poster
Craquedechevalier · 07/04/2025 09:06

Feministwoman · 07/04/2025 00:30

Frankly, given what you've described, yes I think you need to be VERY firm

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What kind of feminist would you say you are, telling a lonely single mum of your acquaintance, struggling to make the best of their first time camping in less than ideal weather, to fuck off?

OP posts:
MikeRafone · 07/04/2025 08:36

Viviennemary · 07/04/2025 08:35

Say a friend is coming with you this year.

What an imaginary friend that is invisible?

Viviennemary · 07/04/2025 08:35

Say a friend is coming with you this year.

MarkWithaC · 07/04/2025 08:31

FinishLast · 06/04/2025 20:10

also I would change your holiday week and go to the camp on a week she isn't there

Hay is a literary festival, the OP volunteers there ( as she has explained numerous times).

Not much use going a different week!

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Yes, this. It's not just an arbitrary camping holiday!
Plus, why on earth should the OP have to mess up her own plans just because some CF won't leave her alone?

StubbornStool · 07/04/2025 08:19

You are being a wimp
Don't involve other people.

Just say I understand you are going to Hay - I really value my time there alone so, it is nice you are going but I like to keep work and holidays separate.

Frannyhy · 07/04/2025 08:15

I see this thread has made it to Facebook and who knows where else. She might see it or someone else might who knows her might.

Get this taken down and just speak to her.

DoubleMM · 07/04/2025 08:06

Craquedechevalier · 05/04/2025 11:59

If I say I'll be busy she'll probably smile and say 'I know you're busy, we'll just pop over when you're around to have a drink with you when we see you in the van.' Last year she told to others at work about how she and her daughter relied on me for hot water and food and warmth and how they wouldn't have survived without me.

I don't think she's a CF, I just think she's one of those cheery outgoing people who assume people are happy to spend time with her and her child. She's a single mum: it can't be easy, I know. I can't help it that I'm someone who needs my own space.

Just tell her the truth- you go to ge on your own. You dont want company. You are deliberately not taking your husband or children or a friend. You want time on your own reading and recharging when you’re not working. You hope she and daughter enjoy themselves but she shld not rely on you for company for any part of her holiday

Bollindger · 07/04/2025 07:51

Could you tell her this.
Agnes just so you know, this year I won't be able to host you at all in my van, I want to be able to have me time away from everything.
I am glad my being there last year gave you a great introduction to the festival, but this year can we just wave as we pass and leave it at that.
We can talk when we are back at work.

DearDenimEagle · 07/04/2025 07:42

I’d say, I’m glad you’re better equipped this time and know what to expect. I have a lot organised as this is my special week of the year for myself and even DH and DC don’t get to come along. So I’m happy you’re better prepared and hope you have a lovely week but I won’t have time to hang out.

Loubylie · 07/04/2025 07:39

This would make a good short story. Probably told from the girl's point of view as she comes to understand what her mother was like.

Easipeelerie · 07/04/2025 07:18

To my mind, she isn’t just a cheery, friendly person. She sounds like she has a very limited ability to detect social cues and had no qualms about imposing herself, to the detriment of the person she’s latched on to.
You're going to have to be exceptionally blunt and direct to the point of hurting her feelings. If you’re not, she’ll work around what you say and you’ll end up babysitting her again.
Rude of her daughter to ask for squash, I thought. Didn’t mum tell her off for that?

Tangerinehedgehog · 07/04/2025 07:17

Overthebow · 05/04/2025 11:52

Just say no. I not understand why you kept inviting them in last time. Just meet with them once and say you have plans for the rest.

This.