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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think it’s rude to answer a question with a question?

43 replies

YourRedFinch · 05/04/2025 09:58

I’ve noticed that some people, instead of just answering a straightforward question, will respond with another question. For example:

Me: “What time are we meeting?”
Them: “What time do you think?”

Or worse, when you ask for advice and they just throw it back at you:

Me: “Should I take this job offer?”
Them: “Well, what do you want to do?”

I get that sometimes people do it to make you think, but most of the time, it just feels dismissive or like they can’t be bothered to engage properly.

AIBU to find it irritating and a bit rude? Or is it just normal conversation?

OP posts:
Original poster
YourRedFinch · 05/04/2025 10:25

GreyCarpet · 05/04/2025 10:06

It depends. If those examples are real instances then I can see why you're getting pushback.

What time are we meeting isn't the same as Do you have a preference on what time we meet?

Because the latter is considerate and the former is expecting them to do the legwork.

Asking someone if you should take the job is nonsense. You applied for it. Surely you know whether you want it or not. If there are things to weigh up, then present the facts and ask for an opinion.

Again, the former is putting the responsibility of decision making on to them the latter is using them as a sounding board to work through your own thought processes.

That’s fair and I agree that asking someone to make a decision for you is very different from asking them to help you think it through. But my post wasn’t about avoiding responsibility - it was about how it feels when someone routinely throws a question back instead of engaging.

Sometimes I’m asking for practical info (like timing) and sometimes I’m looking for a second opinion. And in those moments, getting a vague or reflective question in return can feel like they’re not really present or like I’m being nudged to do all the emotional legwork and the decision-making.

It’s not that I can’t make decisions - it’s that a genuine conversation should go both ways.

OP posts:
EdgyMentor · 05/04/2025 10:23

This sounds like you're the one who is struggling with conversation, not them.

EdgyMentor · 05/04/2025 10:23

Also, in your second question, the person is information gathering. They probably are going to answer the question, but your feelings are relevant to their answer.

Should I take the job?

"Well, it's more money but I won't see my kids 6 months a year because I'll be in Dubai".

"It's crap money but I get to live in a castle"

"Not sure, it's hard work but there's guaranteed job progression"

The person will then go forward based on that information.

More than that, why do you get to determine how someone answers and that and that they make all the decisions?

Original poster
YourRedFinch · 05/04/2025 10:16

cakeandteaandcake · 05/04/2025 10:05

This. OP are you a bit wet about making decisions?

Show quote history

Not at all - I make decisions all day long. But asking question doesn’t automatically mean I’m deferring responsibility. Sometimes it’s just a request for clarity, timing, or support - not an existential crisis.

It’s the tone and pattern that gets frustrating. When someone consistently answers genuine questions with a question, it can feel like they’re avoiding the conversation or putting the effort back on you.

OP posts:
FreshOutOfFucks · 05/04/2025 10:13

It can depend on the context.

But in your examples it looks like 'Me' is trying to get 'Them' to do all the thinking. Understandably, 'Them' is pushing back.

My MIL does this sometimes. 'Shall I wear a coat?' I don't fucking know Janice, check the weather and decide for yourself!

SedumRoof · 05/04/2025 10:12

As others have said, it depends on the context. Is this face to face or messaging? If we’ve already agreed a time, I expect you to remember it, or to scroll back up the chat. And, honestly, I think that accepting a job offer is something you need to figure out for yourself. I don’t mind listening while you talk through the pros and cons, but a bald question like that I’m probably going to just mirror back at you.

KimberleyClark · 05/04/2025 10:11

Not if it’s a rude question in the first place.

GreyCarpet · 05/04/2025 10:09

EdgyMentor · 05/04/2025 10:07

What time are we meeting?

"7"

but I'm at work then.

Ok 9.

no, I'm busy then.

Or, you could have a conversation like a normal person.

Show quote history

Yes.

What time do you want to meet? I can't do X or Y

is very different to a broad and open ended question which requires them to do all the thinking and make a unilateral decision for both of you.

CreationNat1on · 05/04/2025 10:08

All depends on tone and context. If it's passive aggressive, then yes, it's rude.

EdgyMentor · 05/04/2025 10:07

YourRedFinch · 05/04/2025 09:58

I’ve noticed that some people, instead of just answering a straightforward question, will respond with another question. For example:

Me: “What time are we meeting?”
Them: “What time do you think?”

Or worse, when you ask for advice and they just throw it back at you:

Me: “Should I take this job offer?”
Them: “Well, what do you want to do?”

I get that sometimes people do it to make you think, but most of the time, it just feels dismissive or like they can’t be bothered to engage properly.

AIBU to find it irritating and a bit rude? Or is it just normal conversation?

What time are we meeting?

"7"

but I'm at work then.

Ok 9.

no, I'm busy then.

Or, you could have a conversation like a normal person.

PinkElephantsOnParade2025 · 05/04/2025 10:07

I do it now more and more.

I find people who like to manipulate you do this a lot and I’ve started mirroring their behavior.

GreyCarpet · 05/04/2025 10:06

It depends. If those examples are real instances then I can see why you're getting pushback.

What time are we meeting isn't the same as Do you have a preference on what time we meet?

Because the latter is considerate and the former is expecting them to do the legwork.

Asking someone if you should take the job is nonsense. You applied for it. Surely you know whether you want it or not. If there are things to weigh up, then present the facts and ask for an opinion.

Again, the former is putting the responsibility of decision making on to them the latter is using them as a sounding board to work through your own thought processes.

cakeandteaandcake · 05/04/2025 10:05

Swiftie1878 · 05/04/2025 10:00

It needs to be done sometimes when someone keeps insisting on you making all the decisions/choices.
Make your own suggestion/mind up!

This. OP are you a bit wet about making decisions?

Theunamedcat · 05/04/2025 10:04

Depends are they asking for input or dodging the question?

I asked my ex if he was drunk when he rang me unhinged he immediately turned it around on me demanding to know if I had been drinking threatening to call the police instantly put me on defence

WimpoleHat · 05/04/2025 10:04

Not sure. There’s an implied answer to the first question (ie “I don’t know”, or “I can’t tell you without further information”), so I don’t think the second question is rude or unreasonable (if that makes sense?).

Sirzy · 05/04/2025 10:02

In both of those examples the question can make a lot of sense in a lot of contexts

Posia · 05/04/2025 10:00

sometimes but those examples are just normal convo, the first they’re being polite and opening a discussion re meeting rather than just deciding it and the second one like with something like that most people are going to turn it back to you, it’s your life decision so they’re going to want to help you by asking your gut decisions, your initial thoughts etc

Swiftie1878 · 05/04/2025 10:00

It needs to be done sometimes when someone keeps insisting on you making all the decisions/choices.
Make your own suggestion/mind up!

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