To think it’s rude to answer a question with a question?

"To think it’s rude to answer a question with a question?"

Why do you think that?

Do you now?

I am guilty of doing the first one. I get sick of being the one who remembers all the information on behalf of everyone, and sometimes I snap 🤣

I find it really annoying over WhatsApp or messenger, when the person could just scroll back up the chat to remind themselves of the arrangements rather than asking me to remind them. It gets on my nerves!

Are you asking for advice, or asking them to make the decision for you because you're not taking responsibility for yourself?
Or maybe they just don't care one way or another?

Urgh the only person I do this to, is my sister! Because she'll ask, what time do you want to meet up? I'll reply, 10-11am? She'll answer with, no way too early, what about 2pm? Then it goes backwards and forwards for an hour regarding location/itinerary/food/where to meet etc. I can't be bothered with the whole conversation via messenger. So I reply, what time you thinking? I reply to all her questions with, what do you want to do? Personally I'm not bothered about the logistics, I just want to meet up and catch up and let the cousins play together.

OP a question about your own life is for you to answer. Nobody owes you a solution.

@YourRedFinch

>> I get that sometimes people do it to make you
>> think, but most of the time, it just feels
>> dismissive or like they can’t be bothered to
>> engage properly.
>> AIBU to find it irritating and a bit rude? Or is it
>> just normal conversation?

Or, maybe, just maybe, they are gauging what you already know or think or expect. Many of my friends and younger colleagues use me as a sounding board for their problems, dilemmas and relationship crises.

I like to know how deeply they are into finding their own way or what supportive answer they were "fishing" for.

I am like this with a couple of my more controlling friends because they will always end up choosing the time or place, so we might as well cut out the charade of a long conversation about it.

The job one is different. I would really hate to influence anyone when it comes to moving jobs, so I would just ask the questions to get them thinking about the pros and cons.

In that case, I'd be structuring my questions to elicit the response I was looking for.

"What time are we meeting?" Well there are 24 hours in a day. Where do I start?!

So replace it with, "What time do you want to meet? I'm busy until 5 and need to be home by 9pm."

Because you've set your stall out first in both examples. So they only need to consider their response within those parameters rather than having to start with a blank page without any information from you.

or "I've been offered this job. X and Y are perfect for me but I'm a bit concerned about Z. What would you think about that?" gives a starting point for a conversation to springboard from.

I'd struggle to respond to either of the examples you gave without asking a question tbh.

But, if you haven't given them anything to go on to enable them to answer, then they need more information.

Eg my friend has recently gone through a difficult period at work. We are completely different people and, whilst it's worked out in her favour, she didn't go about any of it in the way I would have done.

If she'd just said to me, "What should I do?" And I'd told her what I would have done, it would have been very wrong advice for her.

It might have achieved the same outcome. It might not. And whose responsibility would that have been?

Most questions that are asking what I should do or what we should do require further clarification because the only person anyone can speak for is themselves.

Some of it may be cultural. I think a typical English person is more likely to ask the first question, then tie themselves in knots trying to meet a time that isn't convenient for them, rather than say something direct like, '12pm' or even 'does 12pm work for you?'

The second is sometimes because society seems to have slid thoughtlessly into therapy-type speak and thought attitude and some people will think 'reflecting' a question back at you is what they should do. Although again, I suppose this is cultural. If you ask someone from Northern Europe, they're more likely to give you a straight-forward, honest answer.

FWIW, I do think it's annoying to answer a question with a question, unless there is a very clear need for a follow-up (i.e. you need clarity to give a proper answer).

I’d suggest you may be phrasing your questions incorrectly then.
You’re making them sound like you want someone to make a decision for you.
Try checking in without a question - I think we said we’d meet at 7. I’m really looking forward to it!

Why?

A clarifying question back interspersed with other statements is fine. Conversations that are question after question are often just sapping interrogations. With regards to the OP point, the repeated question back is often irritating and unhelpful.

My response is then 'please answer my question'.

In your examples the person isn't answering your question with a question. They are asking you a supplementary question to gain more information from you prior to answering you. I wouldn't tell you what time we were meeting without asking your preferences. Nor would I tell you whether to take a job or not with asking what your thoughts were.

Why do you think that?

I think those are different to the OP's questions. They're answerable without further conversation. "Do you want" can only be answered by the one person.

I think you're right that it can be a way of making the other person take on the responsibility and put in the effort. Sometimes that is appropriate and sometimes not.

In your first example I'd maybe be annoyed because if I've asked the other person what time we should meet, I am genuinely asking them and letting them pick what suits them best. On the other hand I get that some people are used to being deferential or nervous of seeming entitled and therefore always want the other person to state their own preference / availability first. I have been guilty of that myself so try to be understanding of that reaction in others.

In the second example I wouldn't be annoyed at all as it is not appropriate for another person to tell me whether to take a job. The original question is a bad one. It's fine to ask what the other person thinks about the possible job or if they have any advice, but trying to push them into a yes / no answer on a job smacks of deferring responsibility. I also notice that some people seem eager to corner me into giving advice but then complain if they follow my advice and it turns out badly. I therefore avoid giving advice where I can.

A final point I'd make is it all depends on context because a lot of people don't actually mean what they say. Some people ask a question wanting an answer and are interested to listen to and respect your perspective, whether they go with what you say or not. Other people ask questions as a sort of weird conversational power play - to try to force you to agree with them or conversely to make you look stupid by forcing you to say something that they will then get to complain about or attack. Then again other people don't want to know your answer really / already know what they want to do but they're just asking you out of politeness or because they're not confident enough in their own view. It really depends on the intention and situation.

it was about how it feels when someone routinely throws a question back instead of engaging

Asking a question back is engaging! Seeking clarity, finding out what it is you’re really after - do you want talking INTO or OUT OF that job, for example.

Dh will ask me what we should do/eat/where to go.

I'll provide answers and he'll say no , don't fancy it. 🥴 So I then have to pick apart what he actually wants to do by asking questions. Whereas if I say "what should we do", I'm actually asking because I haven't got any opinion and happy to eat/do whatever.

Well, if you’re regularly getting this from a specific person or people, I would see it as them finding your question irritating for some reason, hence batting it back.

My teenager does this all the time and it drives me fucking demented.
Do you want a drink?
Are you having one?

Are you seeing friend later?
Why, do you have plans?

Do you still want to go out on Saturday?
Do you want to?

Etc etc etfuckingc.

The irony. Some people ask questions because they don't want to make the decisions themselves.

Annoyingly frequent conversation in this house is DH asking me what I want for you supper. If he even made a suggestion it would help the conversation!