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My feminism has made me bitter

158 replies

Yourra · 05/04/2025 08:07

At least I think it has. I’m late 30s and grew up in a very traditional home, my dad was in charge generally, mum stayed at home. It wasn’t until I was in my earlier thirties that I really woke up to the misogyny in the world.

My anger towards the patriarchy really took hold when I had my first dc. I was absolutely horrified by some things that went on at work, the way I had to fight with CMS when DD’s dad decided he didn’t want to be a parent anymore.

I am in a new relationship and I am happy but I now see very minor entitled behaviours in every man I come across, even those who would be considered ‘allies.’ My dad is a lovely man but I notice more how the dynamic with my mum was trenched in that patriarchal system.

Now my eyes are open I see it everywhere and honestly it makes me bitter. Not sure why I’m posting really, just wondered if anyone else felt this way.

OP posts:
Fairyliz · 05/04/2025 12:22

arcticpandas · 05/04/2025 08:19

I'm so relieved to have sons tbh because it's so hard to be a woman. It's easier to be equals without children though because once you got children they become more important than fighting for equal rights: you know that if you don't do it noone else will and in the end it's the kids that will suffer from it.

Unfortunately this is how men learn that women will do it all and will always put them first.

Pinkissmart · 05/04/2025 12:18

FourEyesGood · 05/04/2025 08:11

Goady title. It’s not feminism making you bitter; it’s misogyny.

This

It's like saying that you're mad at your glasses because you can now see all the rubbish

FeministUnderTheCatriarchy · 05/04/2025 12:17

I feel very angry about the situation that women face worldwide — and here in the UK, where we claim to be a “developed” and “progressive” nation, yet women continue to suffer under the weight of misogyny in both insidious and overt ways.

If my DH and I split, I would never be with another man. DH tries to understand but he never will truly. You can't, unless you have experienced girl and womanhood within the patriarchy.

The comments of certain PP are exactly why I am extremely selective about my friendships with other women. I simply cannot — will not — associate with those who think feminism equals misogyny. That kind of thinking doesn’t just lack understanding; it contributes to the ongoing harm against women.

We’re told that women have “won” now, that there’s no need for feminism anymore. But feminism is the reason I can vote, hold a job, get an education, have a bank account, or own property. It’s the reason I have any rights at all. And yet we’re told to stop complaining? To be “grateful”?

While women are still dying?
There is a violence epidemic against women. In the UK, a woman is killed by a man every three days. Two women a week are murdered by a current or former partner. This is not rare, not random, and certainly not “just a few bad apples.” It is systemic.

Women are harassed, stalked, assaulted, and murdered — often by men they knew and once trusted. And that doesn’t even touch on the countless women who live under coercive control, with 1.6 million women experiencing domestic abuse in a single year.

Sexual violence is rampant. One in four women are sexually assaulted or raped — and experts say this is a conservative estimate. Rape convictions sit around 1%. Why? Because women lie all the time? No. Because the system is built — rigged — to protect men.

And the lie that gets recycled again and again is that men are the real victims — citing suicide, false accusations, war, and so on.

Let’s break that down.
Yes, more men die by suicide, but women attempt it just as often — sometimes more, depending on the age group.
The difference is that men choose more violent methods, which is itself a reflection of broader male violence patterns. So mental health-wise, we are all suffering. But somehow, only one narrative gets prioritised.

Also men are 230 times more likely to be raped by another man than to be falsely accused by a woman — but it’s our integrity that’s constantly questioned.
Meanwhile, 97% of women aged 18–24 in the UK have experienced sexual harassment, and yet less than 4% reported it. And even within our justice system, women are unsafe — over 1,500 police officers were accused of violence against women and girls between 2017–2020, and only 8% faced any kind of disciplinary action.

Sarah Everard’s murder by a serving officer should have been a turning point. It wasn’t.
We are told to “go into the trades” or “join the military” to prove equality — as though the only barrier is our willingness. There would be more women in those fields if the misogyny and sexual assault weren’t so rampant. Women don’t just fear “the enemy” — they fear every man they come into contact with.

Let’s also talk about the economic side of this. Women still earn 85p for every £1 a man earns in the UK. Women of colour earn even less. Mothers are penalised severely in the workplace — the so-called “motherhood penalty” can cut a woman’s lifetime earnings by up to £100,000. And women are still overrepresented in low-paid, insecure, and unpaid caregiving roles.

Even our bodies are ignored. Women’s medical issues are under-researched, under-diagnosed, and routinely dismissed. It takes 7 to 10 years to be diagnosed with endometriosis. ADHD and autism are often missed entirely in women because the research was done almost exclusively on men.

So yes, I am angry. I am exhausted. And I am done entertaining this backlash against feminism as if it's coming from a place of logic or compassion.

Men are scared women will laugh at them.
Women are scared men will rape and kill them.

Anti-feminism is not a difference of opinion — it’s complicity in violence. We have come so far because of feminism. And we still have so, so far to go.

Yourra · 05/04/2025 12:16

Tradwife365 · 05/04/2025 11:56

I’ve seen this a lot!
it’s very freeing when you accept that women are better and home and family based activities and men are more fit to work.
it all gets harder when you blur these boundaries and start bickering about ‘who does what’

@Tradwife365 do you think women are better at it because they’ve been forced into that role and expectation, though? Or do you really think it’s a natural thing?

OP posts:
Cheesyfootballs01 · 05/04/2025 12:05

Hopefulstill · 05/04/2025 08:18

I think this post encapsulates how I feel. I always knew misogyny existed, but now I see it in so many more micro behaviours and yes, it makes me angry.

This post sums up how I feel completely. The last few years have been eye opening for me - i always knew the misogyny was there but now I feel like it’s been ramped up to 2.0.

Men are feeling more powerful and entitled to their ‘men’s rights’ and with the rise of the online incels and alpha male types, I really worry for the future of women.

TheAmusedQuail · 05/04/2025 12:01

I've been a feminist since I was 11 years old. I still have all the same beliefs and I did go through a bitter stage, BUT feminism has also freed me to decide not to have men in my life. No relationships, minimal male friendships. I cut the men I work with no slack.

I get it can be hard if you're married (I'm divorced) or if you have teenage sons, but for me, feminism has enabled me to live a life free of the bullshit that comes from men.

It took getting older to convince me to just detox from men though. For much of my life, I tried to live with them, reason with them etc. No more. I'm SO much happier for it and I'm grateful to be alive now, because it's possible for me to be completely independent of men.

Tradwife365 · 05/04/2025 11:56

I’ve seen this a lot!
it’s very freeing when you accept that women are better and home and family based activities and men are more fit to work.
it all gets harder when you blur these boundaries and start bickering about ‘who does what’

Echobelly · 05/04/2025 11:55

YANBU, but it's kind of the price of being aware.

In my marriage we've come some way from what my mum accepted, but still not far enough, we haven't really managed to model equitable parenting, though DH does loads more than my dad ever did in terms of active childrearing.

Like @WhenYouSayNothingAtAll , though I love my DH, if anything happened to him I would not look for another relationship. I could manage on my own financially but I feel, especially later in life, you'll only find men looking for someone to look after them and it's not a commitment I'd make again.

Yourra · 05/04/2025 11:48

Theeyeballsinthesky · 05/04/2025 08:57

When I was a new young work colleague men were always super supportive. How they hung in my every word and nodded along enthusiastically. Wow naive me thought, they must think I’m really good.

now I’m middle aged & no longer considered fuckable though much much better at my job oddly enough make colleagues are no longer interested & enthusiastic about my thoughts & ideas.

@Theeyeballsinthesky I have noticed this too. Men see women as something they can use in some way. Once there’s no longer a use (in their eyes), you realise the self serving basis of their interactions.

OP posts:
CurlewKate · 05/04/2025 11:45

@FOJNabolutely. The patriarchy is bad for men too-but they really have to step up and start to do something about it. Like women had to.

Daisy54 · 05/04/2025 11:42

As a child I noticed how unequal and unfair life was for girls/women. As I grew older, I realized that misogyny is rife in all cultures, to some extent.

Sillysaussicon · 05/04/2025 11:33

I feel same the same. The only thing that makes me feel better is to channel the energy into activism, if you sit with the bitterness it will make you rot, better to release the bitterness into the world!!

FOJN · 05/04/2025 10:58

Happyinarcon · 05/04/2025 09:55

I used to feel like this until I watched some war movies. There’s a whole bunch of young men wondering if conscription might make a comeback. There are other pressures that men face that they don’t talk about, which is why they suddenly top themselves without reaching out. It might help to read some experiences of women who transitioned to men, and the hostility and loneliness they encountered when the world was treating them as men.

Why are mens struggles my problem to fix?

Women aren't causing mens problems unless you believe that women who refuse to make serving men their reason for being are a problem.

CommanderMariettaHay · 05/04/2025 10:57

It is the micro misogyny that annoys me the most.

I was shopping in California for a new bag. I am autistic and can feel quite overwhelmed at times going into unfamiliar shops; I entered a higher end bag store and happened to look round to see if my husband had followed me in.

A male store assistant asked me if I was ok? I responded that I was just looking to see if my husband had followed me in or was still outside. The store assistant’s response was you need to go get him to pay for the bag. I curtly responded no I would not, as actually I am a higher earner than my husband and any purchase would be with my own money.

I wanted to say; I understand there must be cultural difference as I am British and you as an American man; who must be under the impression that a woman who is feminine in appearance and speaks with a lisp (due to deafness) must be incapable of being being employed therefore requires a man to fund her new handbag. Of course understanding this would be rude, I actually left the store instead refusing to spend my money there.

Hairyesterdaygonetoday · 05/04/2025 10:52

FourEyesGood · 05/04/2025 08:11

Goady title. It’s not feminism making you bitter; it’s misogyny.

This. Don’t blame reality!

Asthma927 · 05/04/2025 10:51

Swiftie1878 · 05/04/2025 10:48

Misandry is its antonym, that’s not what I’m talking about.
Distinguishing between the sexes in a ‘good vs bad’ manner leads to misery. That’s what feminism does - it shouts for one side of the argument only.
To progress as a society we need everyone invested; men and women alike.
Feminists don’t help this any more than misogynists do. They are two sides of the same coin. It’s very destructive, divisive and leads to a lot of unhappiness.

How do women achieve equal status and treatment without a women's movement?

Giggorata · 05/04/2025 10:51

“All the things you listed are what feminism should be/used to be. It's turned into something unrecognisable and I could no longer proudly announce myself as a feminist because there is so much that I simply wouldn't want to be associated with.”

As an old, second wave feminist, I agree with this observation but I disagree with disassociating from what passes for feminism nowadays because of it.

Like any other movement that is perceived as dangerous and upsetting the status quo, feminism had been recuperated, distorted and repackaged, and then sold back to us.
In particular, it has elements of misandry and at the same time, of centering men, these days. There is also a complacent “well, I haven't experienced misogyny, so it isn't an issue” contingent.

So I remain a proud and unreconstructed feminist and continue to promote the “real” feminism over all this other twaddle.
I am not going to let it be taken away and replaced with something safer, more comfortable, less relevant, less feminist, without objecting.

And to the other poster, I think you are just plain wrong about your insistence that feminism leads to misery, for reasons in my previous post.

Swiftie1878 · 05/04/2025 10:48

Giggorata · 05/04/2025 10:22

Sorry for potential double post:
“Feminism and misogyny are two sides of the same coin imo. And they lead to misery.”

The other side of misogyny is misandry, not feminism.
Maintaining that women should not be subject to patriarchal attitudes and structures does not lead to misery, on the contrary, it has led to more freedom and less oppression for women in the western world, which has been far from miserable.
Not the whole world, yet.

Misandry is its antonym, that’s not what I’m talking about.
Distinguishing between the sexes in a ‘good vs bad’ manner leads to misery. That’s what feminism does - it shouts for one side of the argument only.
To progress as a society we need everyone invested; men and women alike.
Feminists don’t help this any more than misogynists do. They are two sides of the same coin. It’s very destructive, divisive and leads to a lot of unhappiness.

Asthma927 · 05/04/2025 10:34

AlteredStater · 05/04/2025 10:24

Feminism isn't the answer, that's why. It's not just or only men who are the problem, women are too. We are all flawed human beings and we mess things up.

Feminism used to be about getting the vote (absolutely needed that) and not being mere chattels in marriage (again, totally needed) and other necessary things but nowadays it seems centered towards hating men. That's not helpful whatsoever. We poison ourselves by thinking that way.

Feminism is about achieving equality. Treating women with respect and dignity. There are different types of feminism and different views on how to achieve that. Reducing it to 'man hate' is very simplistic.

radiatorcat · 05/04/2025 10:33

Yourra · 05/04/2025 08:26

I find it exhausting. And I am really on edge with DP sometimes as he will often make a comment that he doesn’t even seem to realise is deeply misogynistic. He’s not a bad man and he does mean well but it’s just exhausting. And I would consider him one of the good ones!

I have a good man as well and we’ve been together for 30 years, but good men can be especially galling. Mine used to think the fact he was a ‘good man’ meant he should have gold stars. Also , that his sexist banter with other ‘good men’ was just harmless humour because they were good guys. For example, noting in public that he did 50% of the cooking, or 50% of the laundry etc (he really didn’t but perceived he did). Instead of that being fair to the point of not needing to be remarked on. As it happens, he has been doing 90-100% of those chores since I went on full strike many many months ago. I tell him I’m quite enjoying being a man (it is fab, by the way). Unlike men though, I do occasionally feel a bit guilty.

Swiftie1878 · 05/04/2025 10:26

WaryCrow · 05/04/2025 10:23

Unfortunately wherever men are, women get pushed out. We don’t get equal treatment anywhere when a man’s interests are at stake, whether that’s school, work, or walking down a road. How do you square that circle? In ancient northern civilisations land was passed down the female line.

This is simply untrue, and believing this (before you’ve even entered a situation) causes mistrust and dislike. And misery.

AlteredStater · 05/04/2025 10:24

Feminism isn't the answer, that's why. It's not just or only men who are the problem, women are too. We are all flawed human beings and we mess things up.

Feminism used to be about getting the vote (absolutely needed that) and not being mere chattels in marriage (again, totally needed) and other necessary things but nowadays it seems centered towards hating men. That's not helpful whatsoever. We poison ourselves by thinking that way.

Asthma927 · 05/04/2025 10:24

I've been a feminist since I was a child and had to stop reading feminist books because I just got too angry. I'm not bitter and don't hate men but I see misogyny everywhere.

WaryCrow · 05/04/2025 10:23

Swiftie1878 · 05/04/2025 10:17

No I’m not. I don’t believe in only looking out for women. I believe in looking out for all good people.
The patriarchy became the patriarchy because men looked out for men. I have no desire whatsoever to flip that balance into a matriarchy. I’d like fairness for all.
Feminism and misogyny are two sides of the same coin imo. And they lead to misery.

Unfortunately wherever men are, women get pushed out. We don’t get equal treatment anywhere when a man’s interests are at stake, whether that’s school, work, or walking down a road. How do you square that circle? In ancient northern civilisations land was passed down the female line.

Giggorata · 05/04/2025 10:22

Sorry for potential double post:
“Feminism and misogyny are two sides of the same coin imo. And they lead to misery.”

The other side of misogyny is misandry, not feminism.
Maintaining that women should not be subject to patriarchal attitudes and structures does not lead to misery, on the contrary, it has led to more freedom and less oppression for women in the western world, which has been far from miserable.
Not the whole world, yet.