AIBU to be fed up that I still didn’t get my lie in

Where are all these useless men coming from! The majority of men I know are hands on parents who do their fair share. You need to stop doing so much. He is well capable of getting the children ready for a day out.

You are not being direct. Everything is a question of inference or asking your mum?

• please take baby out of the room I am trying to rest.
• please get the kids ready I’m having a lie in
• where is my card for mothers day?
• you need to step up as a parent I am exhausted

ask for what you want, but also actively take it. Take time for yourself. Send him out with the kids. Book a massage for the evenings he is in. You have to forcefully carve out time for yourself it won’t just magically be appear.

That honestly does sound like a lot! Is there any way you can cut back on work hours? 10 hours a day is a lot especially with a baby waking in the night.
Obviously you should be sharing duties with your DH with you both working but you may end up feeling like you’re constantly having to nag him as he won’t notice the things you want done.
It would be much easier for you to go part time and to be able to keep up with the housework (and have some down time) without ending up constantly bickering with DH.

You are not unreasonable wanting a lie in, but why haven’t you addressed any of this with your husband? Why did you need your Mum to raise Mother’s Day?

You are choosing to accept and enable his behaviour - why did you do all the prep for the day the night before? There should have been a conversation between you and your husband that he was to do this. Why did you also get up in the morning when you were supposed to be getting a rest? (I know that you didn’t get the long lie you wanted, but you still could have stayed in bed instead of doing all the other things)

Communication needs to improve and you also need to split tasks to give you a proper break. Your husband needs to take more responsibility of the children, so it’s not all on you.

Ultimatums rarely produce the desired effect. People don’t like being told off by their spouse, even if they are in the wrong, there’s a gut reaction to push back in defence and that can escalate the situation. This is OPs life, not a soap opera. Of course she shouldn’t have to teach him, but sometimes doing something you shouldn’t have to can be the best way to get what you want. She wants him to take more responsibility with the kids, just dumping it all him and having a go at him for his incompetence may force him to learn by himself, but it will be massively stressful for everyone involved, especially the children. Helping him learn will take effort on her part initially, but will benefit her greatly in the long run. If a transition to him being more useful can be achieved smoothly without argument why wouldn’t you just do that? A lot of people seem very keen to cause conflict in other people’s marriages. OP has to actually live with this situation, and clearly has enough stress without having massive arguments with her husband to add to the mix. I’d just take the path of least resistance.

Do you think someone gave OP a clear and detailed list of instructions on how to look after her children and mentored her step by step through it until she got it? No? So why then are you suggesting infantilising a grown man to this extent? If he’s capable of holding down a job, getting married, procreating, he’s capable of parenting. There is no faster way to kill respect and libido than having to parent your husband, particularly through basic stuff you figured out yourself. He needs an ultimatum, not a handhold.

At 10m and 3.5 he should be doing the early shift at least one day of the weekend, so you both get at least 1 lie in a week.

Your expectations of a lie in one day a year is far from unreasonable, but you will be unreasonable if you don't keep the pressure on the man child to step up.

This Friday night ask 'who's getting up with the kids tomorrow? You or me?' and when he comes in with them say 'I'm sleeping Dave, please take the kids downstairs'

Yes because that will really help won’t it? 🙄

Give him clear, detailed instructions Write a list of the things he needs to take when taking the baby to his parents. Go through the plan with him the night before and be clear that he cannot bring the baby into your room at 6:30.
Clamp your vagina shut. Kill all respect and romance. Apply for additional child benefit for this adult child in your house. Hide the wine, he’s not old enough. Take away his car keys and put some parental controls on the TV.

Your h is a pathetic man baby who can’t even handle his own dc without running back to Mummy for help. Useless.

You deserve much better.

@HappyMummaOfOne I don't think you need to justify yourself to someone whose username is "TradeWife" (oh look - like trad wife but with another letter - how ORIGINAL) and who claims to "rise earlier than the family" because that person is either on the wind up or they're an incel.

Totally agree - tbh OP your update giving loads of shit excuses for him is pretty depressing to read.

Can't look after babies? Fucking learn how - wouldn't it be nice for you to just say that and check out too but then who cares for them? I do get the "sometimes it's easier just to do stuff" but then shocker - he just continues to be shit.

I have my own frustrations with my DH around the house for sure but I would have gone absolutely bloody batshit at him if he trotted out crap like "not knowing how to look after a baby" when ours were small. Grow up and figure it out like the rest of us!

Presumably he can manage to "figure out" what to do at work?? He needs to get a serious grip IMO

FFS in whose world is an early night as good as a lie in?

Oh god my exh used to do this! Say I was getting a lie in but I had to get up, look after the kids whilst he got ready, help get them ready etc. The they would finally go out after I had been awake for what could be hours.

I said, I’d rather he got up with them and did that morning shift whilst I had an actual lie in, and then we could all go out together and enjoy the day!

Great Dad but doesn’t know they need nappies, a change of clothes or food 🙄

I hope he starts to step up to doing the boring bits of parenting for your sake. Anyone can entertain a child, not everyone can parent them.

He actually came over to me when I was washing up and said he wants to do better and apologised for not helping out more

It's not 'helping out'. It's 'doing his fair share'. He could have started with the washing up, but he didn't. He's full of shit.

While you were washing up?? After you'd cooked??

Look. I'm glad you had a lovely day, but I think that just puts a glow on the problem.

Don't close your eyes to it. He isn't entitled to be the fun parent and leave the proper grown up stuff to you. So just make sure he starts contributing.

I hope your present does arrive, don't let him forget it (I hope it's not an excuse and he has genuinely got something on order).
I am glad you got your lie in. I do hope your DH takes on board how things are. It is sad that you say you are feeling run down (which isn't surprising considering you work full time and do all the childcare) and really as others point out, you need him to step up and be involved in the day to day mundane tasks rather than just be an entertainer for the toddler.

I’m glad you got your lie in in the end. So I know a lot of people on here would say he absolutely must just get on with things by himself and you shouldn’t have to help him. But ultimately that’s just going to be a nightmare for you both, him trying to cope when he doesn’t know how, and you picking up the pieces when it all goes horribly wrong. So, I’m in favour of a bit of hand holding. He says he wants to do better, so you help him do that. Give him clear, detailed instructions Write a list of the things he needs to take when taking the baby to his parents. Go through the plan with him the night before and be clear that he cannot bring the baby into your room at 6:30. I know you shouldn’t have to do this, but personally I think that in life sometimes you have to make a choice between being right or getting what you want. You want him to be able to look after the kids by himself more, the easiest way for that to happen is if you teach him how. It sounds like he’s willing to learn so seize the moment.

You know exactly what to do next time he’s having a lie in - and on Father’s Day.

You can't seriously believe this. That he's suddenly "getting it". Read back your 2nd post. You're so beaten down by him that your depressed and you've stopped speaking up for yourself because you know there is no point. You know he won't change. Most people would have told him to leave the room as soon as he brought the baby in. I'm sure you know he only did that so you would get up and get them ready for him. Then you describe this "magical " day you had as if it absolves the fact he purposely ruined your lie in. You clearly love him which is why you make excuses for him. But your not stupid. Deep down you know nothing is going to change. Maybe he'll do better for a couple of weeks but after that it will be business as usual. And you'll keep martyring yourself while telling everyone what a great dad he is.

He's not a great dad, by the way. He's a great playmate for them. Great dad's actually know how to properly look after their children.