Page 24 | AIBU to expect my son to visit once a month?

LindPat · 2025-04-04T21:19:30+00:00

My son moved in with his girlfriend about 10 months ago now. For the first 2 months he happily came up to us every week for the family takeaway night on a Friday, we have always done it, she would usually come with him. Then this decreased to every other week and she would come one out of the 2. It then went to just once a month which I did think was due to her having an influence as she stopped coming at all and will only come down for birthdays and events but my son has just said how he isn’t going to be coming up for the family takeaway night at all now and plans to just come when it’s the events and birthdays and then maybe if he really feels like it he might come for it but to not expect it anymore. I’m personally really unhappy with this, we hold strong family values and are a close family, his girlfriend less so which is why I think a lot comes from her. We live a 50 minute drive away from each other now and he says it’s too long after work to come for it, but it was only once a month which I don’t think is too much to put yourself out for. AIBU?

Trashpalace · 04/04/2025 23:30

YABU to "expect" him to do something just because you want him to do it.

That is not how respectful relationships between adults work.

LighthouseTeaCup · 04/04/2025 23:30

LindPat · 04/04/2025 23:21

Oh I don’t dislike his girlfriend at all. She’s a nice girl, just very opinionated I think

I mean, this has to be a case of the pot calling the kettle black.

You might have "strong family values" but now your son has his own family and his own set of values. They're allowed to be different from yours. He doesn't owe you anything at all.

Meanwhile33 · 04/04/2025 23:29

I think the problem is the word “expect” - you can want him to visit, but you can’t expect him to. You need to stop trying to control him, and let him come exactly as often as he wants to. Otherwise all he will be able to feel is your attempts to control him, he wont be able to experience his own genuine wish to see you all because he’s too busy trying to manage and fend off your expectations.

LillyPJ · 04/04/2025 23:29

Children grow up and make their own lives. It's ridiculous to expect things to always stay the same!

TomatoSandwiches · 04/04/2025 23:28

Family duty? 🤮 no thank you.

I'd much prefer my children to visit only if they actually want to, it will be my reward for doing a half decent job and not because theyve been taught I will guilt trip them.

Family duty is what keeps people in unhealthy familial relationships.

murasaki · 04/04/2025 23:26

LindPat · 04/04/2025 23:21

Oh I don’t dislike his girlfriend at all. She’s a nice girl, just very opinionated I think

She probably has strong opinions about you, and that's not unreasonable.

CloudBuster66 · 04/04/2025 23:25

YABVU, 50 mins drive x 2 is a long way after work, and as others have said, he is making his own way in the world now.

One of my sons lives 12000 miles away! And I am just debating with myself whether to write and ask him to face time us more often than 3 times a year! He messages on the family WhatsApp almost daily but rarely facetimes and I am afraid to make him feel if I am emotionally blackmailing him if I ask him to get in touch more often, as he is a man of few words and our children owe us nothing as we chose to have them.

I am just grateful that he is having a great life, is settled and happy and that he is in some form of contact with us.

Commonsenseisnotsocommon · 04/04/2025 23:25

Oh you are just too much! Your expectations, attitude and neediness is all too much. You're not getting it, are you? Your poor son and his gf want to be living ab independent adult life, building their own thing, not feeling pressurised by you to keep up with unsustainable obligations. You will lose him altogether if you keep on with this approach and quit bitching about his gf, she is not your enemy. She's just trying to pick her battles carefully in anticipation of many wars with you as a nightmare mil.

RedToothBrush · 04/04/2025 23:24

slowthisbirddown · 04/04/2025 23:14

Some of these posts are sad to read. Doesn't anyone have a sense of family duty any more? Not that it should feel like duty, but imho even if OP's DS sees it as duty, he should still do it. 50 minutes isn't a long way to drive every so often to see family. So often people assume their parents will be around for ever, they won't.

OP, I voted YANBU for these reasons.

God no.

You have one life. Why spend time with someone begrudgingly when you have a pile of other people you'd really rather see?

Fuck that.

Abbie22222 · 04/04/2025 23:23

YANBU to want to see your son once a month. He's NBU to not want a two hour round trip after a week at work. A regular family takeaway night sounds lovely when you're all living under one roof / round the corner from one another, and it's easy enough to drop in or out around other plans. Driving an hour for it after work doesn't sound quite as fun.

You're being unfair blaming his girlfriend, she's irrelevant to you arranging a way to see your son more often in a way that works better for you both. Meeting halfway for a pub lunch, or taking turns to travel seems fair, but without the expectation of a rigid schedule.

Original poster

LindPat · 04/04/2025 23:23

He always said he would come, he likes seeing his nanny and grandads and he’s lucky they’re still here and I do think he should make the most of it. He only changed his opinion slowly over these months. As I say, he did start with coming every week still

i am surprised at the amount people think it’s bad to expect anything off anyone

OP posts:

bridgetreilly · 04/04/2025 23:22

He is a grown up. YABU to expect any sort of regular family event to involve him now that he has moved away and started his own household. You need new, different patterns of contact. Frankly, I would find this sort of thing, especially with ‘the whole family’ to be exactly what I wanted to move away from.

And do not blame the girlfriend.

Original poster

LindPat · 04/04/2025 23:21

Oh I don’t dislike his girlfriend at all. She’s a nice girl, just very opinionated I think

OP posts:

mbosnz · 04/04/2025 23:20

Nothing kills enthusiasm for something like being burdened with someone else's expectations and presumption of obligations.

Your son no doubt has plenty to take up his time and his energy besides his family of origin, and I do think a 50 minute each way journey plus the family obligations to look forward to every sodding Friday would make many people want to shrivel up and die a little.

He is a grown adult, with his own life, priorities, and commitments. Forget about whether it's too much to 'expect', or whether it's that there no better than she ought to be girlfriend, putting nasty little ideas in his head, surely the main thing you ought to be concerned about, is whether he wants to come home and spend time with his family?

Guilt-tripping, resentment that he's not doing what you deem to be sufficient, these things will kill any sort of enjoyment of the prospect of coming to spend time with you, let alone the actuality.

Crisplet · 04/04/2025 23:20

slowthisbirddown · 04/04/2025 23:14

Some of these posts are sad to read. Doesn't anyone have a sense of family duty any more? Not that it should feel like duty, but imho even if OP's DS sees it as duty, he should still do it. 50 minutes isn't a long way to drive every so often to see family. So often people assume their parents will be around for ever, they won't.

OP, I voted YANBU for these reasons.

Would you really enjoy having your DC visit knowing they are only doing it out of “duty”? He’s an adult. Better he comes to visit when he wants to actually be there!

Friday night after a week at work, driving 50 mins, takeaway with 15 other people when you don’t even want to go, drive 50 mins home. Grim.

Whatevershallidowithmylife · 04/04/2025 23:18

I know it feels hard for you but when i was working i actually only ever considered Saturday to be my free day. By the time home from work and dinner on Friday snooze in front of tv for an hour or so then bed. Saturday was the chance to relax with friends, have lazy lunches or boozy dinners and then it was Sunday to get ready for the whole week ahead, washing, lunches etc. Let them enjoy themselves.

murasaki · 04/04/2025 23:16

He may have a different perception of the relationship from that of his mother, and maybe he needs the space. It sounds stifling with all those people. He has his own life and is living it.

uncomfortablydumb60 · 04/04/2025 23:16

YABU Circumstances change and as a parent I find it’s best to go with the flow
i usually see mine every month or so but would hate them to feel duty bound to visit
Mine are 31,27,23 and as long as they’re happy then I’m happy
i also know that if I needed help( I’m disabled) they’d jump in their cars right away.
You have to let them live their own lives.

MsAmerica · 04/04/2025 23:15

You have me wondering if you've ever said something to him. Something casual like, 'What's going on? We miss you!"

slowthisbirddown · 04/04/2025 23:14

Some of these posts are sad to read. Doesn't anyone have a sense of family duty any more? Not that it should feel like duty, but imho even if OP's DS sees it as duty, he should still do it. 50 minutes isn't a long way to drive every so often to see family. So often people assume their parents will be around for ever, they won't.

OP, I voted YANBU for these reasons.

BlondiePortz · 04/04/2025 23:13

TomatoSandwiches · 04/04/2025 23:12

You sound like a jealous girlfriend!

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Absolutely

TomatoSandwiches · 04/04/2025 23:12

Nevertrustacop · 04/04/2025 23:09

See this is just not true. Twenty years later, how many lads are still with random women they lived with for a year or so vs their mum's? DS is 30 and has lived with at least four women, maybe more I can't remember as they were tbh not that important to him or me. He is in touch with precisely one of them now and that's the one he currently lives with.
Yes OP. He bloody should be shifting his lazy arse over to you once a month. It's very little to ask. Don't undervalue yourself if this is important to you. There's no reason to think at this stage that this person will be a big part of his life.

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You sound like a jealous girlfriend!

murasaki · 04/04/2025 23:11

Nevertrustacop · 04/04/2025 23:09

See this is just not true. Twenty years later, how many lads are still with random women they lived with for a year or so vs their mum's? DS is 30 and has lived with at least four women, maybe more I can't remember as they were tbh not that important to him or me. He is in touch with precisely one of them now and that's the one he currently lives with.
Yes OP. He bloody should be shifting his lazy arse over to you once a month. It's very little to ask. Don't undervalue yourself if this is important to you. There's no reason to think at this stage that this person will be a big part of his life.

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It doesn't matter how many women he may live with over the years, she still can't expect (aka demand) him to visit. From the way she's been posting, I'd keep it yearly at best.

Couldnotthinkofausername · 04/04/2025 23:11

I'm sorry but it comes across in your post that you just don't like his girlfriend and if that's true then they will both be aware. You're coming across very controlling which is only pushing your son further away. It's not her, it's you.

If you want a better relationship with your son then you'll need to try harder with his girlfriend which includes accepting that people are different and find socialising exhausting. 15! extended family in laws 😬😵‍💫

C8H10N4O2 · 04/04/2025 23:11

SP2024 · 04/04/2025 23:02

I’m really surprised at these comments. You really think it’s too much to expect to see your child - who lives less than an hours drive away - once a month? OK maybe not a set day/time every time but I’d really hope I saw my kids more than once a month when they are older. This is part of why I hate being a mum of just boys as we can’t do right for doing wrong in most people’s eyes.

What does "mother of boys" have to do with it?

As PP say its the "expectation" aspect which is the problem. They are a young couple expected to do a two hour round trip for a take away with 15 other members of the family after work on a Friday. OP is fine with the DS coming alone - that's nice for his partner. The OP visiting the DS doesn't work because the entire extended family have to be there for it to count. Its madness.

Lighten up on the expectations, make sure they know they are welcome when they can visit and the visits are likely to increase. Also stop discounting visits to them as having value without the entire tribe and stop claiming "strong family values" as an excuse to blame the potential DiL. It could just as easily be the DS glad of an excuse not to do a two hour round trip after work on a Friday.