AIBU to expect my son to visit once a month?

Having strong family values dose not equal seeing your family all the time, if anything making a big deal about this is more likely to drive him away.

Agree with this.

I remember when I moved out, my mother expected me to answer the phone when she called. Often the conversations were negative, her talking at me, or something I did wrong (I lived 400 miles away!). I could feel anxiety every time I saw her number so I wouldn’t answer especially after a long day of school. My dad would call once a week and if I didn’t answer, he would talk to me the next week. He would ask me how I was, keep me updated with what was going on, etc. There was no expectations on his end. He understood that I was an adult.

My mother eventually asked him if he talked to me and he said he had and talks to me on specific day. She called me in front of him and I didn’t pick up. He called me and I picked up automatically thinking something was wrong because he called on a different day. She didn’t think to ask me why, instead she made it about me being disobedient and threatened to take my phone away (on a family plan at the time). I said ok, got my own phone and that angered her more. In my case, it was about control.

You don't have a situation you need to fix.

After a day's work, expecting your son to drive 50 minutes to be with a dozen relatives on a Friday night for a takeaway is crackers!

I have adult DCs. They live with their partners. We get together when we can, and when we do, it is just lovely. However. They have lives to lead, busy jobs, lots to do and I would never demand or expect that they all come and see us on a certain night. We make things happen, we are in touch almost daily by whatsapp but I respect their new lives with their partners.

Sometimes I see them a fair bit, sometimes there's a gap, just depends what they and me are doing at the time.

Getting all the relatives together once a week sounds weird to me, but there you go.
And yes, I have strong family values too

See I was happy doing Sunday dinners but he didn’t want to come at the weekend as a regular thing as he often does things then so that’s why he chose the takeaway night to come to instead

That sounds you offered him the choice of the Sunday dinners OR the takeaway night, rather than allowing him a free choice of the Sunday dinners or the takeaway night or casually dropping in from time to time or not coming at all.

YABU. You can't impose things like that on an adult son and his girlfriend. They should be living their own lives and the more you push and insist on something like the takeaways the more they are going to pull away.

50 minutes is a long way because it's nearly two hours driving there and back and then there's the time spent with the family. It's taking up the entire Friday night. Maybe they have other plans and want to go out on a Friday night with friends or they are fucking knackered after work and just want to chill out at home. I certainly wouldn't be going anywhere after work on a Friday.

OP - you aren’t unreasonable to want to see your son. But you are unreasonable to expect to see him.

When mothers blame their sons' wives / GF’s it often stems from a combination of factors, including feeling a loss of their son's undivided attention, jealousy, a desire to maintain control, or a perceived threat to their own role in their son's life.

He has moved out & has his own life. Let him live it & cut the umbilical cord.

Unfortunatley, I’ve noticed in my own family and many others, MIL always seem to pull the short end of the stick, especially when it comes to grandchildren. In general, daughters seem to be closer to their mothers in adulthood than sons. You here ‘mummy’s boy’ used in a derogatory manner when it comes to adults but never ‘mummy’s girl’.

I love my sons dearly and would never change them but would have loved a daughter too for that reason. I will forever be a MIL.

Of couuurse it’s the girlfriends fault 🙄

His life his moving on. He has moved 50mins away. It’s sad but it happens. He still wants to see the family for occasions. It’s a lot to expect an adult child to come on Friday nights. Especially a 50min journey, 1hr40 round trip on a Friday after a long week at work, no thanks! Maybe they want to do other things? Maybe you should visit them more instead of them always doing the travelling.

A girlfriend of a boyfriend with something very similar here..

I’ve been blamed by his family that I’m in the reason he rarely visits. I can assure you I have nothing to do with it and it’s just a thing that fades.

don’t always assume it’s the girlfriend because it’s not!

How very dare someone use their life and become independent and experience life with many many people that you love and care about rather than doing the same thing with the same people over and over again. Including ones who are demanding and controlling and expect you to be there all the time and get shirty if you don't and have a chip on their shoulder about your gf for questioning this needs to reel you in and confine your life to 'well that's what we've always done'.

As for the whole 'people you wish you'd spent more time with and you'll miss them when they are gone' emotional black bunnymail. Well there's some people who have family could really make the effort and actually do a better job of pretending they the company of their family members rather than spending the entire time being toxic or overbearing or overcritical. This idea that everyone has a happy family and that they will miss them when they are gone, really is a myth.

The poor bloke in this situation isn't allowed to go and forge a life for himself. He has to be tied to his mother forever. In reality there is a period of going and being young and then a later period when someone settles and is more likely to come home regularly. And this is normal and healthy.

What's unhealthy is expecting a man in his twenties to come every Friday night or every Sunday night or even once a month because he should be busy and should be making the most of his youth.

There's time for the settled life when he's older!

15 of you get together for a takeaway every Friday? That sounds suffocating, each to their own but you can’t expect everyone to want to do this. Your expectations are too high. They’re young and building a life 50 minutes away where they probably want to explore on a Friday night, or just relax!!

My mil used to summon us,we were "expected" to attend
.I used to visit her every month, take her shopping,do her garden,DH did her DIY. The meals arranged were always difficult , the way she organised,we had a diabetic,DH and I have gut issues, can't eat late. She got cross when it didn't go her way! We finally went NC almost 17 years ago. My DKs, 4 of them, live roughly a 90 minute drive,each way, we're close,help each other out, but have actual lives. Oldest DD runs a restaurant,so works weekends, came up yesterday and took me out for a mothers day cream tea,in a lovely rural spot. I saw my oldest DS last July. He's got a girlfriend and a busy life,so have I, but in a family crisis, we're all here.

A catch up once a month is reasonable but it doesn’t have to be the takeaway night and it doesn’t have to be a fixed thing. Try suggesting different things, meal out, you visiting them, Sunday lunch, trip to a museum, etc. if he declines everything guess it’s time to back off for a bit.

I agree with the OP but on Mumsnet, men are classed as mummy’s boys if they dare to want to see their mum more than once a year

You are definitely coming across as a dominant matriarch type.

I can see why your son would resist the regular orders to attend.

Chill out!!

She isn't unreasonable to want to see him, but she is unreasonable to expect to see him.

I don't think YABU to want to see him once a month. My brother visits my parents once a month and the journey is an hour and a half drive.

From your posts, you are coming across as very opinionated.

YABVU, leave your DS to live his own life as he chooses.

You don’t own his free time. My in laws try to force things like this and it’s suffocating.

YABVU

The criticisms begin instantly after you say “I don’t dislike her at all.”

Is opinionated a bad thing? Should she not have strong opinions as a girl..?

Imagine your son moved much further away for uni or work - you very likely wouldn’t see him every month. He just wants space to become his own man.

It's not once a month though, is it. You also visit at least once a month. So its actually twice if not 3 times a month. Which is lovely but definitely a lot once you factor in full time work, household chores, hobbies, spending time with partner and socialising with friends as well. Make it an open invitation, not a summons, and you'll have a lot more success.

I'm the mum of young adults. DH and I make every effort to get on with our own lives these days and l want them to do the same.

Somehow we do all "get together" every 4 to 6 weeks but to be honest the kids tend to plan these meet ups and I expect that they want to see their siblings as much as they want to see us. We chat/send photos daily on What's app but I make sure that I'm not placing any demands on them. I want them to focus on building a life with their partner.

If you have no friends or hobbies then now is the time to join new clubs and make some.

This is the sort of thing my toxic mother came out with when I wasn't visiting enough for her liking.

"I'll be dead one day, then you'll be sorry".

Been NC for 3 years now.

15 people at the in laws every Friday, including a disapproving MIL?

No thanks.

Yes, I know families like this… expects to attend all manner of family events for cousins, aunts and uncles… Invariably many of them look bored out of their minds and stand vacantly (presumably secretly longing for it all to end). The emphasis is on a performance getting the family together rather than having a good time.

That pretty much sums it up for most people.

What's wrong with spontaneity?

When I first met DH he said that he was glad he lived too far away from his mum to do the obligatory every Sunday afternoon visits to her that his sister, her DH and DC did.

His mum was lovely, and we did visit her a lot because we never felt any obligation to visit. We went because we wanted to. MIL and I had a very close relationship and she told me that she told all her friends that she was delighted to have me as a DIL.

We also visited my family a lot because we wanted to and not because there was an expectation to do so.

In both cases we lived hundreds of miles away from both families so it was always a weekend visit, not just an evening.

15 people every Friday night is just too much, even for a sociable person like me, especially after a week at work and nearly an hour each way to drive.

DD is a student again at a university a couple of hours away. She hasn't been home since January until this weekend as it is a very full on course. I am delighted that she has settled well and has made friends. She is living her best life and, as far as I am concerned, if she is happy then so am I.

Being a parent is all about letting go, not guilt tripping your DC into visiting you all the time.

Most people are clarifying that a rigid monthly obligation on a set day is the main issue and “expectation” would better expressed and experienced as “hope”. A lot of responders are saying that with similar distance involved they do or did see their parents/ adult children once a month or more but that sometimes it’s more or less frequent and it’s by fluid reciprocal initiation and not a summons or directive issued by one party.

Lots of people have also pointed out that there is often a natural ebb and flow with young adults focussing more energy on their peers, romantic partners, going out and working but that they often gravitate back to seeing their parents and childhood family later on.

OP states that these now monthly (used to be weekly) extended family takeaway expectations are in addition to the (probably numerous) family events he attends so he was probably seeing them a lot more and still is seeing them.

People are trying to help OP to step outside her own perspective as she risks getting the opposite result to what she wants if she doesn’t change her approach by making her son feel visits are a chore and obligation instead of times he enjoys spending with people he loves and gets on with.

I have noticed that “we are a close family”, which is a lovely thing to be, is often verbalised by people with a bit of a clan mentality and that’s not very healthy, particularly for people who marry into that family. It's like their family is also their hobby and identity which is suffocating for any member who wants outside interests and focus. Most of the families I know are close but the only ones who state it regularly are very like that. They are close but it’s weighted with obligation and people an intermittently in the bad books. In-laws in the younger generation are tolerated but not really liked. In one, the son, who sees his parents regularly, often with his wife and now children is seen as being led by his “stuck up” wife, who is working class like them but has a good and fairly demanding job and hasn’t sufficiently transitioned to being a “Robinson” now she’s married a son of the family. I’m friends with a daughter of that family. They are close but it’s a double edged sword for sure. There’s an awful lot of expectation from the parents, in my friend’s case from a very dominant father more than the mother. Even he didn’t try to police a mandatory weekly takeaway night for all members though and he’s a very rigid man 😂