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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to think this is a fair split?

227 replies

Yourcatisnotsorry · 04/04/2025 20:53

Person A works Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, various shifts totaling 25 hours per week. No commute time, no out of hours work, low stress job.

Person B works Monday - Friday 9-6. No regular commute but some business trips with 14 hour days at least a couple of times a month. Regular out of hours/late night work and high pressure/stressful job.

3 primary-age children and some pets.

Person A does all the ironing, cleaning, gardening and 70% of the school runs plus after school childcare/taking kids to hobbies 3.30-6pm three days a week.

Person B does all the life admin, pays bills, sorts birthdays and play dates, Christmas, kids hobbies, appointments and holidays etc. All shopping (weekly food shop and anything needed for the house, pets and kids), meal planning and looks after the children after school 2 days a week from 6pm until they go to bed and all day Sunday.

Everything else such as looking after the kids on Saturday, general tidying up, DIY, laundry, cooking, kids homework and pet care are shared fairly equally. Both parents get time to do their hobbies/gym/socialize occasionally.

yanbu to think this is a fair split of chores and both parties should be able to manage their obligations.

yabu if you think one partner has it much tougher than the other.

OP posts:
Radra · 05/04/2025 12:31

I think B does more alone time with them as A has them alone 3-30-6 3 days a week with several hours of this time where one or all kids are in a hobby. B has them alone 6-9 (though bedtimes staggered so not all are up til 9) twice a week and pretty much all day Saturday (A will see them for a few hours before work usually but be back after bedtime

So to me this is another example of you minimising A's role.

A is doing: 7.5 hours of after school care a week during term time. I don't think the hobbies are here or there, they are still parent in charge for that time and presumably you signed the kids up to the hobbies because they enjoy them, so A is facilitating that.

A is also doing but you choose not to mention here but do in your OP but only in the context of how hard it is for B, numerous evenings when B is working late and also covering the business trips.

And then not mentioned at all but I assume A also covers a lot more days during the holidays because of their working pattern

I am not sure you appreciate what A is doing in terms of facilitating your career - if they didn't, your kids would have to miss out on hobbies, spend more time in holiday childcare and you would need to compromise on work and leave earlier etc, miss out on business trips

As I said earlier, I suspect this is maybe because it's not actually what you want? Like you're not valuing it because you would ideally have more work life balance but what I am trying to say is that it's not reasonable to minimise/downplay A's contributions to this extent

Original poster
Yourcatisnotsorry · 05/04/2025 12:26

Thank you all for taking the time to share advice, it’s very appreciated!

The post wasn’t about life admin, though I do hate it so whoever suggested creating a life admin business please do it!

I am B, I’m generally happy with my side of the deal and think it’s broadly fair.

A has been complaining and I wanted to sense check that I’m not being a monster expecting him to keep the house somewhat clean (we are not a high standards house we do not wash towels after every use or do weekly bed changes!).

OP posts:
Gwenhwyfar · 05/04/2025 12:20

Yourcatisnotsorry · 05/04/2025 11:57

Working mother guilt!

A lot of it is optional but our lives would be worse if we ate ready meals and didn’t iron and didn’t participate in the school community etc. I’m happy to do it though, A is complaining not B.

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Well, no you're complaining too!

rainingsnoring · 05/04/2025 12:20

Yourcatisnotsorry · 05/04/2025 12:13

Sorry I mean the colleagues do nothing at home the Sahm does everything for kids.

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That makes more sense!

Original poster
Yourcatisnotsorry · 05/04/2025 12:19

PinkFrogss · 05/04/2025 12:05

Also how old are the children, and if young who does any night wakings?

All thankfully sleep through the night now. I did all the night wakings until they were each 2/3 as they were all breastfed and co slept with me with DH in the spare room. First baby woke every 1-2 hours for 3 years so I’ll never complain of being tired ever again 😂 DH did well to escape being murdered during this period really.

OP posts:
Original poster
Yourcatisnotsorry · 05/04/2025 12:16

CorbyTrouserPress · 05/04/2025 11:59

I have both, it still isn’t a massive job.

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Please teach me how! 😂

OP posts:
Original poster
Yourcatisnotsorry · 05/04/2025 12:13

rainingsnoring · 05/04/2025 11:26

I can't believe that A is complaining when they clearly have a far easier deal than B. Why would they think that when they work part time in a less stressful role and have regular free time to themselves with B does not have? B is doing far more than is fair and A should be supporting them as their job is far more demanding and essential to family finances.

Your male colleagues who have SAHM wives who do nothing should get rid of the dead weight. They aren't SAHM is they don't care for their children or run things at home. They are very selfish ladies of leisure.

Perhaps you should show A this thread.

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Sorry I mean the colleagues do nothing at home the Sahm does everything for kids.

OP posts:
Radra · 05/04/2025 12:12

I would personally much much rather be B, I think they have the easier gig overall.

I think the way you have written this really minimises A's contributions. For example, is the pet care really shared equally? Since A is at home a lot more, I would be surprised. And all of life admin taken together is probably faster than just cleaning the kitchen..

I think the big thing is that B's stuff for the most part can be done when they feel like it, A is the one doing almost all of the stuff that just has to be done at a certain time, like the school runs

But I suspect the real issue is more about what you both want/enjoy and a mismatch there? I.e. it sounds like you would like to have more time with the children and so are envious of that, you don't enjoy the life admin etc

I don't think it makes any sense for someone highly paid to cut their hours to clean and meal prep, I would just get a cleaner, possibly even a housekeeper

Original poster
Yourcatisnotsorry · 05/04/2025 12:06

whathaveiforgotten · 05/04/2025 08:22

What does ‘pay bills’ mean in an admin sense? Surely you just have direct debits that automatically come out? If not why not sort that out once and it’s done?

Gas etc yes all direct debit. Insurances sort out once a year.

It’s all the bloody kids bills. They won’t allow automation and every week there are dinner moneys, £1 donations for this and that, trips or discos or after school events or raffle tickets to buy, each child has their own account to log in to do it. After school club is different accounts still and again weekly bills that can’t be d/d and need to use some cash some vouchers. Kids clubs aren’t D/D because the amounts vary by term and then they all have extra trips or special events to pay a bit more for. I’d love to write school a huge cheque once and never deal with it again.

OP posts:
PinkFrogss · 05/04/2025 12:05

Also how old are the children, and if young who does any night wakings?

Original poster
Yourcatisnotsorry · 05/04/2025 12:02

BitOutOfPractice · 05/04/2025 08:52

I agree with this. You say “cleaning” in one word like it’s nothing yet make “arranging play dates” into a major task. With no mention of who supervises the play dates. which is a much more onerous task than arranging them.

Who gets the kids up and out In the morning? Another stressful task. Person A

Also the other big job, cooking, is split equally.

Who are you op? And who Is moaning?

Edited
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I’m B, A is moaning. Cooking is shared, we both like it so it’s not really a chore as such to us.

I fully agree morning school runs are awful. He is better at this than me for sure, we are often on the cusp of lateness! I do 2 he does 3 but I’m home 9/10 of his mornings to help get them ready. He’s not around for mine which is why we are rushing around.

OP posts:
CorbyTrouserPress · 05/04/2025 12:00

CorbyTrouserPress · 05/04/2025 11:59

I have both, it still isn’t a massive job.

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Oh and I work full time aswell.

Jigsawasaurus · 05/04/2025 11:59

Can I be Person A, please? I'd love to work 25hrs a week, have time off when the kids are at school and just do those tasks.

CorbyTrouserPress · 05/04/2025 11:59

Yourcatisnotsorry · 05/04/2025 11:54

Do you have small children or elderly parents needing support? It should be called ‘lives of others’ admin really.

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I have both, it still isn’t a massive job.

Original poster
Yourcatisnotsorry · 05/04/2025 11:57

Gwenhwyfar · 05/04/2025 08:41

Brining a gift for the school raffle is also optional isn't it? If you're too busy, just don't do t.

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Working mother guilt!

A lot of it is optional but our lives would be worse if we ate ready meals and didn’t iron and didn’t participate in the school community etc. I’m happy to do it though, A is complaining not B.

OP posts:
thepariscrimefiles · 05/04/2025 11:56

Yourcatisnotsorry · 05/04/2025 11:49

You’re definitely right the end of term is a massive factor in how much school admin there is.

Neither A or B like the organising. A just wouldn’t do it. Birthdays get forgotten, no food ordered, kids miss out because they don’t want to organise play dates or attendance at after school stuff. A is a man so some of it is harder (approaching a mum for a play date might be taken the wrong way etc.) and some is societal ingrained ‘women’s work’ that they just don’t think about (sending party invites and chasing for rsvps etc. in my 10 years of parenting I’ve never seen a kids party where the rsvp number is for the dad unless it’s a same sex couple).

The issue didn’t stem from the life admin. I just suck it up and do it. Though it’s a massive mental drain. A was complaining they have a rougher deal with the cleaning

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Why can't the cleaner come when A is at home? Is he embarrassed about how lazy he would look just sitting there while the cleaner worked or is it that it would encroach on his free time alone in the house?

He is really being really unreasonable and the fact that he thinks that he has the worst deal makes him sound even worse.

SomeonesSomething · 05/04/2025 11:55

How long does 'paying bills and life admin take?

I don't know about you but my bills are paid by DD and so I don't actively pay any bills and I'm never really sure what people mean by life admin beyond this.

Dentist appointments twice a year? The occasional GP appointment? Once a year car service/MOT?

Genuine question! I wouldn't say I spend any time at all doing 'life admin'.

Ah, I see this has been sort of answered. I don't have elderly parents but, tbh, small children didn't take a huge amount of time either!

Original poster
Yourcatisnotsorry · 05/04/2025 11:54

CorbyTrouserPress · 05/04/2025 09:01

What the fuck is life admin? I’ve only ever heard that phrase on here where it’s made out to be a huge onerous task.

As far as I can tell it’s just filling in a permission form once in a while, booking a holiday once a year, buying a present off Amazon while enjoying a relaxing poo every so often etc. What ‘life admin’ are you all doing that takes so long?

Edited

Do you have small children or elderly parents needing support? It should be called ‘lives of others’ admin really.

OP posts:
PinkFrogss · 05/04/2025 11:50

How many shifts does A work a week? Are they long shifts with more days off, or short shifts across the 5 days?

Original poster
Yourcatisnotsorry · 05/04/2025 11:49

SwimBikeRunBake · 05/04/2025 08:30

Is it the distribution of the life admin that is the key issue? Can I ask why you do 100% of the admin? Is it that your OH isn't very good at this or isn't very organised?

I do 100% of child related admin, we only have one child but at the end of each term when there are holiday clubs to organise, after school activities and wrap around care to book (from several providers) and school dinners to book, as well as other activities that need booking that also run in blocks that align with school term times, there is a lot to do all at once. I did this this week and it took several hours, for just one child.

That your posting this at the end of school term when all this school related admin needs doing, is your OH aware how long this all takes? Would you be able to have a whole day free towards the end of each term to get all the school related admin done at once?

If cooking is shared then meal planning and shopping should also be shared, although like as other posters have asked can your OH take this on? Do you do online grocery shopping? This can save so much time, in our household cooking is shared, one person starts the food shop online and the other person edits the shop to add what they want to buy.

You’re definitely right the end of term is a massive factor in how much school admin there is.

Neither A or B like the organising. A just wouldn’t do it. Birthdays get forgotten, no food ordered, kids miss out because they don’t want to organise play dates or attendance at after school stuff. A is a man so some of it is harder (approaching a mum for a play date might be taken the wrong way etc.) and some is societal ingrained ‘women’s work’ that they just don’t think about (sending party invites and chasing for rsvps etc. in my 10 years of parenting I’ve never seen a kids party where the rsvp number is for the dad unless it’s a same sex couple).

The issue didn’t stem from the life admin. I just suck it up and do it. Though it’s a massive mental drain. A was complaining they have a rougher deal with the cleaning

OP posts:
Original poster
Yourcatisnotsorry · 05/04/2025 11:43

StripyPanda · 05/04/2025 08:22

I think it would be wise to see if person A would prefer to be a stay at home parent or cut shifts so that person B can be the main earner and get a little downtime …. obvs when u come home you could take over the childcare and help out but not have such rigid commitments 🤷‍♀️

A is happy to work and likes the social side, they can’t do less hours in their current role but they would also happily be a sahp.

B wants A to work so they get some socialization (A is not a people person in the main!) and so that the financial pressure is not all on them. They actually want to be a SAHP so if B was the envy would be difficult for the relationship.

OP posts:
BobbyBiscuits · 05/04/2025 11:41

Person B works more and has a more stressful job, but seems to be doing about half of the life admin/childcare. I guess in my eyes as they work more maybe they should do slightly less?

It doesn't look massively unfair on either party though. What exactly is the issue? What is one person unhappy with?

SpringIsSpringing25 · 05/04/2025 11:40

You are presumably together because you love each other and you chose to have three children together, presumably because you wanted a family together.

Why can you not just enjoy having the things you wanted, being a family and mucking in. Why does it all have to be so transactional?

If it has become such a drama and you couldn't afford it, why doesn't one of you just organise a cleaner instead of making a mountain out of a mole Hill over it?

Not just you @Yourcatisnotsorry but so many threads about the stuff and me time and his time and how many hours he gets free to go to the gym how many hours the OP's get to go to the gym, it's all just so transactional and in my opinion unnecessary and undesirable

Original poster
Yourcatisnotsorry · 05/04/2025 11:37

Stagshear · 05/04/2025 08:22

Person A needs to get a better job and bring in more money. Then hire a cleaner, someone to do the ironing, and a gardener. That will then free up some of their time to take on the admin tasks.

Person A is an adult and doesn’t get to opt out of trying to get a decent job, because you have done that.

It can also become intensely stressful over a long period when one of you is responsible for so much more financially. When it is balanced if one of you loses your job for example then there are two of you sharing the burden. Here if A loses their job the household wouldn’t notice, if B lost their job then they’d be fucked. I found it exhausting and stressful knowing I had so many people financially reliant just on me.

You are spot on. It’s exhausting financial and also emotional dependency!

OP posts:
JLou08 · 05/04/2025 11:35

It's very clear you are B and the way you have explained this makes it seem you have the worst deal. I do the cleaning and life admin, if I was to write an explanation of what I do I would go into more detail about the cleaning at home because for me that is what feels relentless and is draining. I don't mind the admin side so much so wouldn't be listing the detail you have. I also don't mind doing the food shop. It's hard to say who has the worst deal here, your DH could have the skills of a professional cleaner and get everything done within an hour or he could struggle with keeping on top of things and doing things in an efficient order. You could be super organised with life admin, have calenders, lists and online shopping etc to get it done easy or you could spend hours trying to find the right gift last minute, forget what you need when shopping and need multiple trips to the shop. It's all about your individual strengths really and using them to do what works best for the family. You do seem to be doing well together if you both have time for your own hobbies and to get your children to activities.