For my 18 year old son to let me know what time he’ll be home after night out

I should add that I do insist that he has Life 360 on his phone so at least I can see where he is. He isn't altogether happy about it but is prepared to accept the compromise.

I could have written your post OP. My son is also 18 and I can't sleep until he is home. He is also in sixth form and has just started driving which is yet another worry, although he isn't silly enough to drink and drive so I suppose at least if he is driving he isn't drinking. He is out tonight and has to be up at 6am for work. It will be me setting my alarm to get him up. I don't know what the answer is really. Strangely my DD is only 10 months older than him but I never worried about her this much. Maybe because she had a lovely group of friends that would look out for each other that and the fact that she just seems so much more mature and sensible.

Stop getting him up for work. He loses his job he won't be going out and getting pissed. He wants adult freedom, he has to take adult responsibility.

Tbh yes you sound a pain in the arse.

Hes going to the pub not backpacking through Afghanistan. He will be back after closing time like most of the clientele.

Just go to bed.

Mine sends a text to say he's on the bus back. DH always stays up till he gets back as he's happy to doze on the sofa. This is great for me as it means i can relax. Occasionally he's gone to pick them up if there's a problem with the bus. I don't see how being technically an adult makes a difference - he's still at school and we are still his parents. It's a gradual transition to independence.

It's so much easier when they've moved out!

DS1 didn't go out before he went to Uni (Covid...) so I never worried about him as I wasn't there to worry!

DS2 has just started going out and although I'll easily nod off before he comes in, I will think about what time he'll be in as it affects us. When negoes to Uni in September, I won't think twice!

It’s basic courtesy to let the people you live with know what time you expect to be home and update them of any major deviations. It’s also a basic safety measure.

You should inform your son of your general plans and return times and he should keep you updated on his plans. That way no one has to worry and everyone has another person looking out for them. It’s good for families, flatmates, just anyone.

We did this too. Worked well. I didn't need to get up to check.

life360 app? You can see where he is

I get mine to wattsapp in the family group when they get home

Mine will usually text if they're goingvto be late, but ring doorbell is great- I can check it in the morning and see that they came home!

My DC are all adults and if staying with me they let me know roughly when they will be back and would text if plans changed.

Its not about control its about manners and consideration. If I were to go out whilst staying with friends and family I would also let them know when I'm likely to be back - its basic manners and consideration of your host. That is what we taught the DC and they saw us do the same when visiting eg grandparents

I put the hallway light on, he turns it off when he comes in. I can then tell when he's back without having to get up and check. Doesn't help me know when he's coming back, but it helps.

My dc are 25 and 28. If they are staying with us, we ask them to message on a muted WA group to say if they are staying out/safely home. It is absolutely nothing to do with age, just consideration for others and common sense - I'd let dh know if I were unexpectedly late or staying elsewhere for some reason.

This isn't an age thing, it's a respect thing. When my 21 year old is staying at home (she's at uni) I expect her to tell me if she's coming home at night or staying out. It's not a hotel, I'm her mum. She doesn't want me to be worried. Have some rules! It's OK to expect this kind of respect in your relationship with your son.

I don't ask my (very nearly) 18 year old for a time as I know I completely lose track of time on a night out and can easily be persuaded for just one more drink etc so I don't expect an 18 year old to be able to do better. I just ask that if he is going to go anywhere else other than back home at the end of the night he lets me know. I know when he's home because the dog thinks it's his job to let me know.

This - a text to say on the way….then “home now”.

But I empathise - there’s no sweeter sound than that of their key in the door in the wee hours!

I’m a worrier, and am finding this stage tricky to navigate too. It’s new territory for me. Tonight I have no estimated time of coming home at present. She is on life360 and will respond to messages within a reasonable time frame. I won’t settle until she is home, but I know I can’t hold her back because of that. I know it would damage our relationship, and she is off to uni in September. I think without the odd message and tracking, I’d find it a lot harder.

I have kids a couple of years older than yours and my rule at 18 was that they would text as they were heading home or if they were going to sleep elsewhere that they would text to let me know once they knew. I would probably not hear it as I'd be hopefully asleep but if I did wake in the night and see that they had texted I'd feel bit better knowing thay should be home soon or that they will be home the next day. I'd hate to wake up in the morning and they'd not come home and I'd not know if anything had happened to them.

This. May be 18, but still living in my house and being financed by me so I expected some common courtesy. Much easier when they were at uni (as others have said) because you have no idea where they are or what they are doing.😄
I would ask for a rough idea of when they might be home, and expect them to send me a text if they were going to be much later. I explained it was simply to keep me happy and stop me worrying. They (usually) texted.

It's really hard- I totally get it.
Since DS turned 18 we had ground rules

Stick together with your friends and look out for each other
Take a taxi home and never walk home alone - we are only 2 miles from city centre but its dodgy as hell - I give him the fare home so he isn't 'wasting ' his own money.
Phone us if you are in trouble- you won't be told off we will help whatever has happened.
If you are not coming home make sure you are staying somewhere safe and text me so I know.

We have stuck to this for 4 yrs- he's early 20's and it has worked. He came in at 4am last weekend but never heard a thing. I used to lie in bed listening out but I've relaxed.
I was a nightmare from being 14ish - I've apologised to my mother!

I ask DD (19) to text me if she’s planning to stay over with someone. I also ask her to let me know if she’ll be back after midnight as we have an alarm so I won’t set it if she’s coming home late. She might not enter the code in time if she’s tipsy. 😂

She doesn’t have a problem with this, she knows that I’m not interfering in her life, I just care about her safety.

Yanbu

It's not about doing as he's told, it's about courtesy for those who's house he lives in

A simple text telling you his plans is not unreasonable x

Ds1 is almost 22, lived away for uni but home now and working to saving for a house. He sends a text when he is setting off home, it doesn't matter if he is out drinking with his mates or he has driven to someone's house. It is a courtesy to let us know. This is just so we know that he left town and at what point. There are too many stories of drunk men not making it home and he knows we would worry.

I also lived in a time before mobile phones as did many of us and did stay out but now see how worrying that would have been for my Mum. If I could have eased that worry I would have.

I wouldn’t be waking him up in the morning, let him deal with the fall out of what happens when he gets so drunk he can’t put on an alarm, currently there’s no consequences to not knowing the limits as you get him up and ready for the job that funds these nights out?
for nights out it’s a bit of both, he won’t always know what time, I guess a text of I’m heading home now could be the comprise?

Surely it’s common courtesy for everyone in the family home to give you an idea when they are going to be in.

Aldo because he is 18 doesn’t mean you have to be fully funding him. If he wants to be treated as an adult he can finance his social life