Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say stay-at-home mums have it easier than full-time workers?

394 replies

ThatTaupeOtter · 04/04/2025 19:27

I work FT in a demanding job. I’ve got a friend who’s a SAHM and constantly talks about how exhausting it is, how she never gets a break, how I’m “lucky” to get adult conversation. But she doesn’t have to commute, deal with office politics, or constantly prove her value. I get home and still have to parent. AIBU to think she actually has it easier and that she’s being a bit dramatic?

OP posts:
Gowlett · 04/04/2025 21:31

My friend who was SAHM for five years used to say this all the time. Now she’s back at work, not a word. She’s just too busy!

Original poster
ThatTaupeOtter · 04/04/2025 21:29

Grammarnut · 04/04/2025 21:22

Have you looked after children under 4 24/7 at any point? It's exhausting. That said, I much preferred it to going out to work (I was a teacher).

I completely respect that, I know looking after under-4s full-time is exhausting and I’m not here to argue otherwise. I’ve done solo full weekends or stretches during holidays and it’s full-on - no breaks, constant demands, and zero off-switch.

I think what I’m trying to express is that both paths can be draining, just in different ways. Full-time parenting is physically relentless, full-time working and parenting is mentally and emotionally relentless, especially when there’s no down time at either end.

It’s not a competition but it’s also okay to say “Hey, I’m tired too.”

OP posts:
DrFoxtrot · 04/04/2025 21:29

Being on maternity leave with three DC under 5 was an absolute piece of piss compared to my job but everyone’s different.
I’m afraid I’d have to shut down any conversation about how ‘lucky’ it is to be a working mum by muttering a vague ‘sounds tough for you’ and then moving the conversation on. Or offer to point them in the direction of jobs they could do to get some of the luck.

Hwi · 04/04/2025 21:28

Pope Catholic?

Octoberdreaming · 04/04/2025 21:25

No YNBU and are 100 percent right.
Working full time is much harder, as you still have to do everything else as well as the long 8+ hours a day of work.

Whitesapphire · 04/04/2025 21:23

Well yeah, obviously.

Grammarnut · 04/04/2025 21:22

Have you looked after children under 4 24/7 at any point? It's exhausting. That said, I much preferred it to going out to work (I was a teacher).

DecidedlyUndecided · 04/04/2025 21:22

Does it really matter which is harder? It is all bloody hard isn't it? Just in different ways. I work part-time and look after young children, so I feel like I am in-between both worlds and I just don't think anyone is winning. We are all making sacrifices, we are all juggling and managing shitty situations. We are all absolutely exhausted. I admire any mum who is managing to keep their head above water whether they work eight days a week or none.

Illprobsregretthis · 04/04/2025 21:20

PlasticPassion · 04/04/2025 19:52

You don’t need to push back on any narratives. Just get off line for a while. Nobody IRL cares about this kind of thing. It’s only online there’s this sahm versus working mother bs.

Show quote history

Exactly this

Spirallingdownwards · 04/04/2025 21:20

ThatTaupeOtter · 04/04/2025 19:40

You’re right. It’s not a competition and everyone’s situation is different. But I think the frustration comes when someone keeps implying that your life is easier or that you’re somehow more ‘privileged’ because you work outside the home… while ignoring the stress, pressure, and constant juggling that comes with it.

I’m not trying to rank who’s got it worse, just saying that sometimes the narrative from SAHMs can feel a bit one-sided, especially when full-time working parents are still doing all the parenting after their workday ends.

Show quote history

"all the parenting" that happens after pick up time in the same way that SAHPs are parenting 24/7

DevilledEgg · 04/04/2025 21:19

Neither are superior.
Both roles are equally exhausting.
Both of you are entitled to feel exhausted and jealous of the other.
Both of you are unreasonable to make judgements of each others worth based on your perceived role superiority.

FairlyTired · 04/04/2025 21:17

Work legally has to have breaks. Commuting is a break. You come home to a tidy house that hasn't been played in and messed up all day.
I find this statement equivalent to saying full time mums have it far easier than dad's. Generally childcare is far more mentally and physically exhausting (if doing it properly anyway).
I'm much more tired now I work part time than before I dropped my hours.

Thephantom · 04/04/2025 21:16

ThatTaupeOtter · 04/04/2025 20:36

To be honest, I have tried a few times to gently steer the convo towards the challenges I face too. But it tends to get brushed off or met with, “Well, at least you get a break from the kids,” or “I’d swap with you in a second”, which makes it hard to feel like I’m being heard.

I’m not opposed to having the conversation more directly and maybe that’s what it’ll take at this point. But when someone is constantly venting or romanticising your side of things, it creates a weird dynamic where saying, ‘Actually, it’s really tough for me too,’ can feel like you’re either being dismissive or trying to one-up them.

Still, maybe you’re right and it’s time to just have the honest chat.

Show quote history

Next time she says this reply " No you wouldn't, because you would have by now if you really wanted to"

Dizzybob · 04/04/2025 21:16

I was a SAHM until my youngest started school. I now work. How I yearn for those SAHM days! Staying at home with your babies is 100% easier than going to work!!

EdithBond · 04/04/2025 21:14

NaiceBalonz · 04/04/2025 21:09

If your child is in school you're not a SAHM, you're unemployed.

Show quote history

100%. Or perhaps employed (paid or unpaid) as a housekeeper by her DH.

But certainly not financially independent.

Original poster
ThatTaupeOtter · 04/04/2025 21:14

Beeloux · 04/04/2025 21:07

If you’re working full time, I presume nursery/ a family member is doing the brunt of your childcare for you?
I think it depends on the dc. I was a SAHM when ds1 (who was very high needs) was a baby and it was tough. I’m now a single parent with two but ds1 is in nursery and ds2 is a very placid, easygoing baby. I don’t find it hard at all.

Totally agree it depends on the child and the circumstances. Some babies are easier than others and I know being at home with high-needs children can be absolutely relentless.

Yes, my kids are in childcare while I’m working but the pressure doesn’t end when I clock off. It’s rushing to get there on time, sorting dinner, bath, bedtime, and still being ‘on’ even when I’m wiped out from the day. Plus, the mental load of work deadlines, home life, and being emotionally available for your kids all at once.

So while the physical hours might be covered during the day, the intensity of trying to do both well can be exhausting, just in a different way.

OP posts:
Waffle19 · 04/04/2025 21:14

Depends if their kids are at home or not. Pre school kids, YABU, SAHM have it much harder than working mums. Once kids are at school, then no YANBU, they get a six hour break each day!

Goldbar · 04/04/2025 21:13

Beeloux · 04/04/2025 21:09

Also with young dc, you have to supervise them constantly. No time to have a break where as at work, I found it much less stressful. You have a lunch break where you can eat in peace and relax. When you’re a sahm that isn’t always possible.

It's nice not to have to cook for everyone all the time as well. I love it when I work somewhere with a proper cafeteria where you can get a cooked meal that someone else has prepared. It's a real treat to eat in peace without having to go to any effort 😁!

IGetWeak · 04/04/2025 21:12

“Hello? This is Goady McGoadson, calling from Goadsville”.

Toomuchlemonade · 04/04/2025 21:11

You just can't compare like for like though. It depends; some jobs are more stressful than others. Also, it would depend if the stay at home parent has money for lovely activities, days out and a good support network. Or are they isolated, lonely and can't afford to get out. Too many variables to compare like for like.

feemcgee · 04/04/2025 21:10

I’ve come onto this thread to say that women should be lifting each other up, not knocking each other down xx

Beeloux · 04/04/2025 21:09

Also with young dc, you have to supervise them constantly. No time to have a break where as at work, I found it much less stressful. You have a lunch break where you can eat in peace and relax. When you’re a sahm that isn’t always possible.

NaiceBalonz · 04/04/2025 21:09

DorothyStorm · 04/04/2025 19:40

So what about a sahm who sends their child to preschool, nursery or school? Is that outsourcing?

Show quote history

If your child is in school you're not a SAHM, you're unemployed.

Original poster
ThatTaupeOtter · 04/04/2025 21:08

SouthLondonMum22 · 04/04/2025 21:00

Wait a minute, her kids are in school? That makes her complaining to you and making out that she has it so much harder worse.

She isn't a SAHM, she's unemployed.

Show quote history

Yeah, I get why it might come across that way and that’s part of why I’ve found it frustrating at times. But I wouldn’t call her unemployed - she’s still running the household, managing everything at home, and doing school runs and all the rest of it, which has value.

My issue isn’t with how she spends her time, it’s with the way she speaks about mine, as though my job is somehow a cushy break from reality. I respect her choice but I just want that respect to go both ways.

OP posts:
Neetra30 · 04/04/2025 21:08

No they don't. Being a stay at home is much harder than a working mum.
And I say this as a full time working mum!

Swipe left for the next trending thread