To say stay-at-home mums have it easier than full-time workers?

It depends on the circumstance doesn’t it? Number of kids, any SENDs, ages of the kids, other commitments (like caring for elderly parents), a shit/useless husband and so on.

Just like not every working mum has the exact same circumstances and struggles.

My life is definitely easier than my friend’s who is a SAHM, despite working.

You're being unreasonable for posting this question again, when the exact same thing was just posted a few days ago, and a few days before that.

I am a SAHM and I find it insulting to read posts like this. I have two children (1 and 3) and my husband is out of the house from 5am to 7:30pm every week day so I do all the parenting by myself until the weekend. I find it relentless and have struggled a lot since having my second baby, but I never compare my situation to my friends who work because I am too busy worrying about my own life to judge anyone else’s.

People choose to be a SAHM because it’s easier logistically. So you’re not wrong there. But that’s very black and white and simplistic. I was a SAHM for 9 years, loved it but it was frigging hard work. I now work and the balance is way better, far less housework (DH does lots now), way less intense with the kids. But also I see the kids less so the mum-guilt is way worse. I loved SAHM but it was hard. I love working but it’s hard. Both true facts.

It’s not a competition, they’re both hard, and surely most women have experience of both, or a combination - most women have at least taken a year or SAHM life, multiple if multiple maternity leaves. The vast majority of women I know are either SAHMs, part time workers, or have gone back to work after a stint of SAHM. So in the real world, everyone knows it’s not black and white and can see others’ perspectives.

The day I dropped the 4th child at reception was brilliant. You have about 6 hours to yourself. Magic! Yes, you're often doing stuff related to the kids regardless - but it's freedom. It's fantastic not having to rush. Also, just to walk around hands free on your own agenda. You really appreciate your own time. You can do as much or as little as you like, it totally depends what's going on and how you feel. Also, one of the kids is ill and then they all get it, one after the other, no problem. Same with different school holidays, or if they have appointments in the school day. Life is just less rushed, less pressured. You can help them much more with their education too - for us, this was the main advantage. Many people are SAHP precisely for this reason.

I also wanted to add- I think whether or not your job has the possibility to WFH/flex a bit is hugely important.

This has been done to death on here but personally, I think your friend has a point that being a SAHM is exhausting and she probably never gets a break. I think it probably boils down to what kind of DH you have too and whether he helps when he’s finished work. I work PT and that’s enough for me to realise that if I was a SAHM I would do absolutely everything and never have a minute to myself. I have a very high pressure job but it’s actually a break and I love working. Of course, I love DC but I also know that if I didn’t work I would only do childcare, chores and cooking every single waking minute and I’d have no help. My DH doesn’t lift a finger but I just outsource everything I can which I doubt I could do if I was a SAHM due to finances. For some people, it’s easier to be in work, and for others it’s easier to be at home. There’s no right or wrong.

I've done sahm, and working 0.8 while doing most pick ups and drop offs (DH has a PITA "big job"). I'm much happier working 0.8, for me it is easier to work than be a sahp. 0.6 would be the easiest balance for me but I like the money from 0.8 while full time would mean more tax etc and more wrap around costs plus kids would lose their sports clubs...

I don't particularly like spending all of my time around kids and I also prefer working in an office rather than from home as I found being a sahp of pre schoolers/toddlers very isolating.

I spent some time as a sahm, then went back full time. My job is stressful, 12 hrs shifts, but, I find it easier than being at home more.

It has forced my husband to step up and share the responsibility at home, the kids cope better to, before hand they came to me for EVERYTHING, as did my DH too. It was sucking the life out of me and they seemed to have little resilience with me always around. It nearly broke my spirit they expected me to do/sort everything.

Life seems more balanced now all my eggs aren't in one basket. Everyone at home us better round each other and mucking in more. So yes, for me working is now easier than being a sahm.

But op, everyone is different. People's lives are not comparable, to many variables to throw into the mix.

You simply can not judge or pass comment as you will only see a snap shot of the bigger picture.

Totally depends on the number of kids and their ages….

2 at school age and up - yeah you’ve got a point
3 kids under 4 - she’s definitely right and she’s in the trenches atm

Haha this is me. I love my one day off with my dc but blimey by the end of the day get me in bed and back to work tomorrow

You still need to run a household, manage things at home and either do school runs or at least organise them when you're working too.

She isn't spending the majority of her time caring for young children so she isn't a SAHM.

Fully agree.

I was a SAHM for a bit and then a single parent working full time after that.

Compared to a full time job, sitting at home was an absolute doddle, just dull. For me, personally. It was like holiday. I don't recognize any of that 'can't even spare 5 mins to shower', 'can't even go to toilet alone'. It was never like that for me.

Single parenting with a toddler, full time job, no input - financial or otherwise - from ex and my whole family living abroad, was hard. But still, the hardest part was working. Picking up DD from childcare, coming back, cooking dinner, etc was a doddle in comparison.

'Mental load' it's just ridiculous. It's not any sort of 'load', it's normal life. Plus everything's online now.

This is my personal experience and opinion. Others will live in different circs and will have different views.

Well said

as other posters have said its all down to context

I'm a sahm. Mine are all at high school and uni now and I have a lovely time pottering about and doing housework etc. or whatever I want really. I'm quite lazy and I lay in bed until 10ish every day reading with cups of tea. No inclination to go back to work.

I wouldn't swap places with my working friends for anything. So I'd agree with you OP!

AIBU to think she actually has it easier and that she’s being a bit dramatic?

Yes YABU. And sound quite bitter about it.

She probably feels very lonely and quite isolated. Not being able to have an adult conversation for most of the day can be quite sad.

She’s probably relentlessly trying to entertain her young child whilst tidying up after them.

Nobody, wether they are working full time, part time, self employed or a SAH parent has it “easier” then anyone else.

There are pros and cons to all situations. Some women will love staying home. Some others will hate it. Some women will love going out to work full time. Some others will hate it.

Stop bitching about your friend online and thank yourself lucky this is a first-world problem.

I was always a SAHM precisely because it's MUCH easier being able to focus on your kids without the additional pressure of a job, it's not just about time, it's about headspace. Not to mention energy for them. I never did much housework as we had a cleaner anyway. God knows why this OP wants her life 'respected' as the hardest - isn't the point to have the best life you can and freedom? Is this the Misery Olympics or something? Nobody will give you a medal. I think I have a great life now because my kids are all older teens. I'm not going back to work, what for? You must be joking. I'm too busy living my life.

OP if your friend thinks you have an easier life than her, so what? Just say, "I know, thanks."

I’ve done both. The juggle of full time work is infinitely preferable to the relentless monotony of being home with small children IMO.

One angle to this debate is that women often feel forced into either becoming a SAHP or cutting their hours because of a completely unsupportive partner. They drive themselves into the ground trying to do everything or they often realise from the outset that they just can't do full-time work in their previous job without help and support.

Of course life with small children, a partner who doesn't pull their weight and never, ever having a break will feel hard going. And then many SAHP/women working part-time feel financially trapped and so may put up with it longer than women who still work full-time. Because let's face it, at the point at which you're working full-time, doing everything for the kids and doing most of the household chores, you're very soon going to look at your OH and think "What precisely is the point of him?" Which means that men will probably either be more likely to pull their weight (at least to some extent) in relationships where their partners can walk away more easily, or such relationships will probably end sooner.

These threads are done to death. But here goes with my views.

SAHM of SCHOOL age neurotypical children who also have no disabilities/extra needs who is in reasonably good health, with a partner who is generally supportive- almost certainly easier than a mum working outside the home.

SAHM of children not at school, especially if toddlers/young babies and more than one child-arguably harder than working outside the home, but COULD be ‘easier’ depending on how many/any additional needs/how much partner contributes etc.

SAHM of children with additional needs who require lots of support- pretty much guaranteed to harder than a mum working outside the home who has children with NO additional needs.

Working mum of children with additional needs who is constantly being pulled in a million directions and always stressed about losing her job- almost certainly way harder than a SAHM of children with no additional needs.

Context, circumstances, finances, family support, what your working outside the job is like, commute, partner (or not and what kind) whether you want to be at home, etc etc the list goes on. It’s not a competition or race to the bottom.

I wanted to go back to work earlier this year. Wanted to, could not because of the needs of two of my children making it absolutely impossible. I am technically a SAHM. And actually, I love parts of being a SAHM. But having that choice taken away is also non ideal. Luckily I am okay about it, but believe me, even though 2 out of 3 of my kids are school age, I am beyond stressed a lot of the time. I am also aware of the fact I’m lucky to be at home in some ways, and that I get a break when my toddler naps etc,

Depends, if you have a job you enjoy or an easy office type job and a good support network to help with raising your family or enough money to pay for a nanny, working is easier. I imagine if you have a physically demanding or stressful job you don’t enjoy and frequent childcare issues and dilemmas then being a stay at home parent is probably easier.

I can imagine! I’m planning on going back to work and know it will be much harder. If her kids are already in school then she is being very unreasonable saying it’s harder to be a SAHM!

When you get home and try to do something but your child is constantly nonstop up in your grill…

Now imagine that all day plus all evening.

Its probably true that you aren’t privileged and that working and parenting is a grind but there is something to be said for having a few minutes in the day to think your own thoughts in your head uninterrupted even if it is only on a busy commute.

It’s valid not to want a one sided friendship if she is always offloading on you. Maybe you should try to communicate the struggles of being a working parent and you would feel things were a bit more equal.

So are we comparing:

(a) a SAHP with all their kids at school and with a supportive spouse vs a working parent who is a brain surgeon and has kids with additional needs, or

(b) a SAHP with mental health issues who has a baby, a toddler and older children with ADHD/autism vs a working parent who has their dream job as a potter or florist and no stress at home, or

(c) some other combination?

It all depends on context.

The stress level for SAHPs varies wildly; the stress level for working parents varies wildly; the stress level for adults without children varies wildly.