niece ghosting us now she's found her real dad

I feel for Adam.

My adopted DS made contact with his birth family a year or two ago and to start with he was seeing them all the time, constantly talking about them etc. It was really hard, especially social media posts of him with his birth mum.

One big difference is that he was still living with us and he was aware he ended up in care because of their actions/behaviours so in his mind they weren't replacing us. He was clear, we are mum and dad. He knew they were highly unlikely to support him the way we did/do.

In Adam's case, he is no longer with her birth mum, so the relationship has stretched a bit.

But a lot is happening in her life recently, meeting birth dad, moving in with boyfriend etc. She may not be ghosting you, just hasn't got round to getting in touch.

Does Adam have any contact details at all? Phone number, social media posts? Could he do a quick message to say hope you settling in ok in your new home, fancy a coffee one day, would be nice to see you.

I'm afraid that she just used your brother as a place holder. I'd ensure she's always welcome and leave the lines of communication open. However I'd change my will and not leave her anything, as she's made it clear we're not family now.

I was an adult when I managed to track down my biological father.

For quite some afterwards I didn't have the emotional capacity to deal with anything else.

Yanbu to feel hurt by not heating from her for a couple of months, but spare a thought as to what she is going through as well.

I would just make sure she knows the lines of communication are open when she gets her head around everything, and she will be back.

I think you need to see it from your ‘niece’’s POV. She dealt with the end of her mother and ‘stepdad’’s relationship at a difficult age, probably had complex responses to her stepdad staying in her life after he’d split from her mother added to the normal teenage stuff (hard to rebel against someone people think you’re supposed to be ‘grateful’ to for bringing you up, and aware of a biological father somewhere out there in the world who doesn’t know you exist), now she’s a young adult in a new relationship living at a distance in a new place with a recently discovered biological family who are clearly welcoming.

You say she hasn’t spoken to Adam since January — that’s only a couple of months ago. I’m sure there were times in my mid-20s when I wasn’t in touch with my parents much because I was off living my life. That didn’t mean I wasn’t fond of them. I can absolutely appreciate why Adam is hurt, and I think all you can do is support him, and not be overly melodramatic about ‘ghosting’. She’s dropped out of touch for a couple of months aged 25, newly living with her boyfriend.

And I would lay off on all that obligation language — he ‘treated her like his own’ and ‘he brought her up’ and your mother ‘treated her like a grandchild’. Therefore she ‘owes’ you all? Maybe she’s just musing on the weirdness and arbitrariness of it all. She was conceived during a holiday fling with a man who (apparently) gave false contacts, she was brought up between 1 and 12 by her mother’s boyfriend, whom she continued to see after the end of the relationship, and now tech has given her a new biological family. Maybe she’s finding that attractively straightforward. Or it’s giving her complicated emotions about her own upbringing. It’s quite a lot.

If he's only not heard from her since February that seems like no time at all to process this. A few weeks of a no doubt busy young life, moving in with a significant other as well as a whole new section of family to explore isn't yet the same as having intentionally dropped out of his life completely.

I like the above suggestion of inviting her for Easter and gifting something for their new place, if this isn't something she can commit to try the next month. Keep it light and friendly so she knows you're all there for her without pressure.

My (young adult) DD had a lot of upheaval when her beloved step dad's new flame changed the dynamics of their relationship, I didn't hear from her very much for a long while, I think she didn't want to hurt me by venting about it. I kept it light, no demands, of course I was a little hurt she couldn't talk to me about it but she did have support elsewhere. She's back to her lovely self again now, can even joke about the whole experience.

I hope your DN gets through it soon for you all x

Yanbu to be upset, your brother has been essentially rejected by someone that he lovea and thought loved him.

However I think some PP are being harsh about the bio dad, implying he is a shit dad because he had nothing to do with his child and gave the mum a fake number. Or comparing the situation to adpotion - its not the same if he didnt know he had a child, there was no 'rejection' of the child only the mum who he didnt know was pregnant.

To give him the benefit of the doubt, I don't think it would be that unusual for a young person on holiday to give their holiday fling a fake contact number, and doesn't mean they don't deserve a relationship with their child. It must have been quite a big thing for your niece and her bio dad to meet each other and could give rise to huge emotions particularly if they get on very well. And these emotions might override common sense for a while.

How did your brother act when he found out? Most people's natural reactions would be worry and concern and possibly jealousy, the 'but im your real dad' feeling. Is it possible she sensed this and felt like he wasnt supportive enough of her natural wish to find her bio father, or that he wasn't happy for her? He needs to be careful not to make it about him

I'd maybe write her a letter saying he understands if she doesn't want to see him right now but he cares for her and will always be there when she wants to reconnect. Tell her he is happy for her that she has found her bio dad but he hopes there is space in her life for both of them and it would be lovely to see her when she ia ready. Don't say anything about how he sees her as a daughter or he has been more of a dad to her or anything as that might make her feel like she has to choose. Don't say anything about his emotions on the subject or it might drive her away.

Other options - is he still on good terms with his ex, could he get her to have a word and see what the reason is? Or the boyfriend if they've been together a long time he likely knows him?

She doesn't sound like a very nice person. I can understand her being excited about meeting her biological family but to just drop your brother after everything he has done for her is just cruel.

There isn't anything you can do, but just support your brother and make sure he isn't left isolated now that his step-daughter has abandoned him.

This.
Stop trying to contact her.
Give her space, lots of it!

Painful but hassling her will change nothing.

It doesn't exactly sound like he's lied about not knowing about her- he gave the mother fake contact details so she couldn't get in touch with him

This is really sad for you and your family. I think (hope) she will re-establish contact with you at some point when she matures. She’s just found lots of new family, that must be pretty mind blowing. It’s tough for you all right now though. Give her some space to figure all this all in her own time but keep the lines of loving communication open.

The sperm donor is likely to have lied to Bree and told her that her mother kept them apart or he had no idea he had a daughter. This will buy him a lot of kudos in the short term. There's lots of highly emotive family bonding going on right now. If I were your brother, I would send one message saying I love you and me and my family will always be here for you anytime. It's a long game.

I think some people meet their biological families and do feel a very quick affinity for each other. I mean looking at families in general there are often very similar personalities, I can see how this happens for some people.

It's why I don't judge extended families that don't just throw themselves into treating say step grandkids the same straight away. It's complicated and there are no guarantees that they'll be in each others lives if there is a split.

Mine neither, 4 kids (well, adults now) who were all adopted separately and have no desire at all to meet their birth parents.

Same with step kids (in their 30s and 40s) who are estranged from mum.

Anecdotally it’s about a 50/50 split for the people I know

YANBU at all to be hurt and upset , but she is quite young and plenty of people older and wiser than her act in similar ways in situations like this. There will be a lot of mixed feelings, questions of loyalty and possibly, some undue influence from the new family. All you can do is let the dust settle and hope that once she gets her head around all of this and grows a bit she comes back to it. Keep messaging occasionally, keep it casual and simple and offer a casual meetup every now and then.

Her bio father didn't even know she existed. He was hardly a terrible father who abandoned a young child

That’s disgusting behaviour from her . The Apple didn’t fall far from the tree . She’s just like her old man . Sometimes on mumsnet the step grandparents get roasted for not treating step grandchildren as their own biological grandchildren but this is the reason why for many of them . They can just walk out of their lives any day .

Yes, thank you for responding to this.

I am adopted.
I met my birth parents when I was a teen and I never felt any sort of desire to be "with them" and not my mother, the person who raised me.

The only thing in common we had was DNA. If I had passed them on the street I never would have known.

Blood means nothing at all and I think it's strange the people who act like it does.

Finding your biological family does bring a lot of questions and it is important for some people to meet and get to know them.... But to disrespect your parents, the people who raised you is shocking.

Love is action. It is proving day in and day out in practical ways that you care for someone.

Having sex with a woman and producing a child does indeed make you a legal father, but you cannot eb a true parent without doing some actual damn parenting.

My sister was adopted from another family. She sees her biological family a couple of times a year, but again, she doesn't see them as her "real" anything. They have just become like cousins or extended family.

PPs comment really doesn't reflect my experience or that of anyone I know who is adopted.

Yes, that's awful for your brother. All those years of care and she wants to spend time with a man who gave her mother fake contact details. Perhaps she is more like him than you might think. Her biological father though is a man she would be best not to rely on overmuch. I wouldn't do anything about her but maybe spend a bit more time with your brother - invite for dinner or some outing.

I don’t understand why you’re saying she’s ’biologically your step niece’ when he’s not the biological dad and they’ve never been married.

she’s not related to YOU at all

however she’s your niece because she’s been in your family all these years and your brother is the father figure that brought her up.

none of you are unreasonable to be hurt , hopefully she will come back and she now just has more people to love her

can you maybe have a family event over Easter and invite her and the boyfriend? Have a big catch up and gift her something for her first home?

Of course it's not unreasonable to feel hurt for your brother. It must be difficult for him. But she is an adult and free to choose who she spends time with. She may have reasons you're not aware of. I would stay out of it and hope that they will reconcile at some point.

Of course YANBU to be upset - that's very hurtful. Hopefully at some point she will realise and appreciate what Adam gave her.

I think that’s pretty shitty behaviour. She’s plenty old enough to know better and to appreciate all your brother and your family have done for her. I don’t blame you for being hurt.

I reconnected with my biological father years later after he disappeared when I was 3 - I didn’t then bin off my step father (also ex). He was the one to walk me down the aisle in recognition of the role he played in my life. Any man can be a sperm donor and sounds like hers had no interest if he gave her mum fake bloody details.

Unfortunately her shit Dad will show his true colours soon enough.

I think all you can do is wait. Is she on any social media?