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Original poster

niece ghosting us now she's found her real dad

56 replies

DooWapDooWap · 04/04/2025 19:19

Names are not real..

My niece (Bree) is 25. She's biologically my step-niece although my brother (Adam) was never married to her mum (Emma). Bree was 18 months old when Adam met Emma. Bree was the result of a holiday fling and her bio dad gave Emma fake contact details so she had no way of finding him to tell him about the pregnancy.

Adam brought Bree up as his own. He has no children of his own.
When Bree was 12, Adam and Emma split up but Adam still saw Bree regularly and she stayed over at his house every weekend.

Fast forward to 3 years ago and Bree did an ancestry dna and discovered a half sibling. Last year she met with her bio family. They are about 3 hours from us so she doesn't seem them that often but has been been on holiday with them and spent Christmas with them.

My poor brother doesn't see anything of her anymore. He brought that girl up as his own. He's done absolutely nothing wrong but she hasn't spoken to him since February. Bree moved in with her boyfriend in January and she never have Adam her new address. He knows the town she's in but not the address and she doesn't answer her phone to him or anything. Same for me and my mum, who treated her like a grandchild. She's completely ghosted us.

None of us have contact info for Emma

Am I, or are we, being unreasonable to be upset and hurt that she's dropped us?

OP posts:
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SALaw · 05/04/2025 14:10

@DisforDarkChocolatenot in the context of knowing about the pregnancy?

soupyspoon · 05/04/2025 13:11

PaintYourAssLikeRembrandt · 05/04/2025 11:01

I was an adult when I managed to track down my biological father.

For quite some afterwards I didn't have the emotional capacity to deal with anything else.

Yanbu to feel hurt by not heating from her for a couple of months, but spare a thought as to what she is going through as well.

I would just make sure she knows the lines of communication are open when she gets her head around everything, and she will be back.

Exactly, what a massive mental shift for everyone to try to deal with, so everyone needs a bit of space here. OP will feel hurt and upset but needs to put it in the context of the nieces emotions, she probably doesnt even know what she feels at the moment.

Reddog1 · 05/04/2025 13:08

I honestly think that she just needs time. She’s just bought a place with her partner and found her bio relatives. All that on top of (presumably, at 25) a job and a whirl of a social life. She’ll be back in touch.

soupyspoon · 05/04/2025 13:07

musicinme · 04/04/2025 19:41

Just wanted to comment on this.

I have five adopted children (now all adults in their 30s) and none of them have ever acted this way. Several have found biological half siblings but we have all become one happy family. None of them have wanted to have a relationship with their biological parents or exclude us or each other.

I have also been a foster carer for many years, and although several now adult young people have reconnected with their families they have continued to remain part of our family too. Only one child left at 18 to return to their family, they came back "home" (their words) within months.

So although your scenario may happen, it has not happened in my particular experience.

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Your experience is not typical for adoption and certainly not within fostering

Unfortunately some foster carers and adopters do like to believe that biological family is something their children arent interested in, or wont be drawn to or curious about. The research on this doesnt support that, children/adults will nearly always been drawn back, either directly or at least to want to explore and investigate and understand it. Pretending its not a part of them and that they're not the children of their biological family does no one any favours.

Children who are fostered and/or adopted have a whole family with them that needs to be recognised.

YankSplaining · 05/04/2025 13:02

Was there a reason why Adam and Emma never got married, or why Adam never adopted Bree?

DisforDarkChocolate · 05/04/2025 12:58

SALaw · 05/04/2025 11:11

He might not be a shit Dad? He didn’t know she existed? He may have been a shit one night stander but that doesn’t necessarily mean shit Dad does it?

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He gave fake contract details, totally a shit Dad.

pikkumyy77 · 05/04/2025 12:54

True. But this cuts the other way, really. She has had “Adam” in her life for her entire life but now, as an adult, she wants to cut him off or at least wants to go low contact? Why shouldn’t that be respected?

ConnieSlow · 05/04/2025 12:54

Don’t wait for her with open arms. She’s 25 and an adult, she knows what she’s doing. Let her go as hard as it is, she will realise her mistake in time and then it will be too late to run to the people that she treated so badly. She’s shown her true colours. Sorry for your family though op.

Crocmush · 05/04/2025 12:49

pikkumyy77 · 05/04/2025 12:46

Please stop slagging her off. She is just a kid, still, with complicated feelings about the father figure in her life. No one knows her experience. And certainly not enough to call her out as a “shitty” person on the basis of the OP’s post.

Ok she's still young but 25 is not "just a kid"

pikkumyy77 · 05/04/2025 12:46

Please stop slagging her off. She is just a kid, still, with complicated feelings about the father figure in her life. No one knows her experience. And certainly not enough to call her out as a “shitty” person on the basis of the OP’s post.

Cucy · 05/04/2025 12:45

My friend was raised by her single parent mother her entire life.

When she was 19/20 her dad got in contact and she immediately dropped her mum and believed his lies of being refused access etc.

She finally saw him for what he was and came back to her mum when he dropped her.

She acted awfully but I think she had been so desperate to know who her bio dad was for years that she did anything she could to keep him.

Cucy · 05/04/2025 12:41

This is so sad and I can absolutely see why your brother and others would be hurt.

He is her parent, regardless of biology and he is of course going to miss the child that he’s raised for 20+ years.

But she’s also at quite a difficult stage in her life where she’s getting to know her biological family, be in a relationship and find who she is as a person too.

I would keep reaching out to her in a very relaxed way and don’t push her into having contact or seeing you/your brother.

She will likely come around again once she’s learnt how to balance everything.

Kingsleadhat · 05/04/2025 12:29

musicinme · 04/04/2025 19:41

Just wanted to comment on this.

I have five adopted children (now all adults in their 30s) and none of them have ever acted this way. Several have found biological half siblings but we have all become one happy family. None of them have wanted to have a relationship with their biological parents or exclude us or each other.

I have also been a foster carer for many years, and although several now adult young people have reconnected with their families they have continued to remain part of our family too. Only one child left at 18 to return to their family, they came back "home" (their words) within months.

So although your scenario may happen, it has not happened in my particular experience.

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In my experience this is very common with a lot of my fellow adopters. I think you've been lucky

Trendyname · 05/04/2025 12:25

ConfessionsOfaSecretAgent · 04/04/2025 19:41

Did she know your DB wasn't her bio dad?

If not, you have to try and see it through her eyes. She's likely found out her full life has been a lie.

If she did know, she's an adult and in the position of meeting her new relatives and learning where she comes from. It's a lot to process. She will still be balancing her new relationship with her boyfriend and juggling work and everything else. Your parents are really not a priority at that age. She is out there exploring the world. She will reach out when she's ready.

Even if op tries to see from her eyes, it does not change the fact it is hurtful being ghosted by someone you raise like your own child.
Best is to accept that this girl does not view them as their family and do not act like one.

SeaShellsSanctuary1 · 05/04/2025 12:23

KimberleyClark · 05/04/2025 11:34

But he gave fake contact details to the bio mother. Hardly the action of a man who would want to be involved in any subsequent pregnancy.

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It was a holiday fling possibly a ONS, details are easily miscommunicated. Dave from Newcastle and one digit wrong isn't necessarily the proven trait of a child maintenance dodger.

bakebeans · 05/04/2025 12:10

Silvertulips · 04/04/2025 19:29

She’s 25! Living her life wrapped up in a new man and new family. She’ll be back.

Send her some money! Usually does the trick.

They don’t have an address for her. That’s the point.

PassingStranger · 05/04/2025 12:03

Your right to be hurt, don't chase her though.

HeySnoodie · 05/04/2025 11:58

Just keep inviting her by text or WhatsApp to your family meet ups

MummyRenX · 05/04/2025 11:51

I don’t think you’re wrong to feel upset but you need to consider it from her point of view. Her real father did nothing wrong, it’s not like he abandoned her or knew she existed so it’s fair for them to want to get to know each other and spend time together. It’s also a lot to process, if they just spoke in February then she’s only really had March where she’s not spoken to him, I would say that’s a pretty reasonable amount of time to go without speaking to an ex step-father? Especially if she’s processing everything that’s going on. I think your brother needs to give her space I think pestering her is only going to push her further away, I also think you maybe need to leave this one to your brother I’m not sure it’s your situation to be getting involved in, even if you’re hurt. Hopefully it’s just a distant period and doesn’t last long x

KimberleyClark · 05/04/2025 11:34

SeaShellsSanctuary1 · 05/04/2025 07:06

Her bio father didn't even know she existed. He was hardly a terrible father who abandoned a young child

Show quote history

But he gave fake contact details to the bio mother. Hardly the action of a man who would want to be involved in any subsequent pregnancy.

Treeleaf11 · 05/04/2025 11:34

Hdjdb42 · 05/04/2025 11:02

I'm afraid that she just used your brother as a place holder. I'd ensure she's always welcome and leave the lines of communication open. However I'd change my will and not leave her anything, as she's made it clear we're not family now.

Used your brother as a place holder ??

What does this mean? She was a child who had no choice who her mother was in a relationship with

ComtesseDeSpair · 05/04/2025 11:24

It sounds like a lot of separate issues tbh. Not all families are close and in each other’s pockets, and it’s fairly normal for young people to have much less contact with their parents once they’ve left home and moved in with their partner. Bree’s experience of your brother as a dad might not be quite as rosy and wonderful as the rest of the family think him - and as he’s no longer in a relationship with her mum, there isn’t even that link between them any more.

The biological family sound like a bit of a red herring in the story: you say she doesn’t live close to or see much of them, either. But they’re new people in her life who she wants to build a relationship with, very probably distancing from any maligning her mum and co have done about her bio dad being a “shit dad” when he couldn’t have hoped to have been anything else because he didn't know she existed.

Rubyupbeat · 05/04/2025 11:14

She will return, the same happened with my friends brother, they are both adopted from different parents. Both had a wonderful family, but when the bio family found him, he was all for them, revelled in the similarities etc, but after around 2 years he settled and calmed down and came back into the fold. He was the same age as your as your niece.
You can understand it as she will be seeing likenesses, physically and otherwise. She is young and has a new place and boyfriend too.
Just keep your arms open and don't make her feel guilty, she won't stop loving you all

SALaw · 05/04/2025 11:11

DisforDarkChocolate · 04/04/2025 19:43

Unfortunately her shit Dad will show his true colours soon enough.

I think all you can do is wait. Is she on any social media?

He might not be a shit Dad? He didn’t know she existed? He may have been a shit one night stander but that doesn’t necessarily mean shit Dad does it?

SALaw · 05/04/2025 11:08

You’re not unreasonable to be upset and hurt but she’s also not necessarily being unreasonable as separated step families are complex things and Theres now other factors at play with meeting her biological family. There’s nothing you can do to force the relationship back again and anything you try would most likely have the opposite effect. I would suggest your brother send her a message saying he and his family will always love her and she always has a place in the family if she needs or wants it but he understands the difficult situation from her perspective.