DP’s messages in group chat - do I confront him?

Are you for real??

There's definitely a whole lot of projection on this thread, but it's not from that poster.

Some posters seem absolutely desperate for the OP to end her entire relationship immedietely over a vaguely offensive private message. I wonder why that may be.

So who is he playing golf with?

He didn’t own it. He wouldn’t let you see the other messages.

You crack on with your bloke who has “more skeletons than a graveyard” then. You can’t say nobody warned you. Really quite tragic.

I would definitely explore that comment. His comments about women are probably the tip of the iceberg

@MesmerisingMuon would you encourage sons to banter like that, would you be happy for a daughter to be spoken about like that.

I hope you did not reply to the message and are not cooking or getting him any dinner. Op, forget your friend. Your problem is your fiancé, and if you let him get away with just carrying on as usual, then this is your life from here on. When you eventually find out he is cheating, he will think you knew who I was. And tell you up to you if you want to stay, but he’ll fight you for your children. Then he’ll go play golf. Now is your chance to not suffer through that.

Your friend sounds like a shit stirrer!

I would personally have no issue with the comments your DH wrote. It's in the context of male "banter" and I very much doubt there is anything malicious whatsoever behind the comments other than male ego boosting. I spent years working on all male teams and read many WhatsApp threads like this! They were actually all really lovely guys.

And you haven't even seen the full thread. Your friends BF might have just been having a bad time with his relationship so posted something and the others just replied to make him feel better. Even I've written stuff sometimes when having a man bashing thread on WhatsApp with friends - it made us feel better at the time but it was just emotional words rather than anything real.

Does your loyalty lie with your DH or your friend?

I'd be apologising to your DH. He is right - either you trust him or you don't. I'd tell him that your friend had snooped on her boyfriends phone and taken lots of photos of the messages and sent them to you.

It sounds very much to me that your friend's relationship is shit, so she's trying to make yours sound shit too so you can be single together. Otherwise she might get pushed out the group on her own.

Probably deserve each other if you’re blaming the friend now for how she’s delivered the message tbh. I feel sorry for the women being discussed in this way and it being dismissed as banter. I wonder what he says about you when you’re not there? Best have his tea on the table for when he gets home from golf op. Cannot believe women are still sleepwalking into these bullshit marriages in 2025.

Op - you say she is shit stirring. Sorry I disagree. She sent you copies of your partners messages.

He wrote the messages.

He wrote the messages thinking you would never see them. He felt it was acceptable to write about your sister BUT only if you did not know about it. He thinks the ‘crime’ here is you being told about it, not what he wrote.

Your partner was in the basement (so to speak) perving on your sister and your friends, friend just lifted the curtain on the perving and shone a light on it. Whatever her motivation. Even if she is your worst enemy, the messages were written by him. If he had not written them there would be no light to shine.

His anger is about YOU finding out, not remorse for his choices.

Plausible explanation: the reason your friend is sending you these messages at the same time as her relationship is in difficulty is because it is only now that she has gone snooping and uncovered them.

Implausible explanation: she is sending you these messages now because her own relationship is in difficulty and she is jealous of your relationship. With the man who posts sleazy messages objectifying women in group chat, won’t hand over his phone because there is worse, goes off playing golf and expects you to get dinner while you are in bits. And wants to see your sister in a tight low cut bridesmaid dress

🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔

Him fucking off to play golf leaving you at home should be a premonition of what will happen when you're pregnant/have young children or otherwise need him. Your friend didn't type out misogynistic shit about your friends, your fiancé did. Your friend hasn't been imagining your sister in a tight dress and won't be perving over her at your wedding, your fiancé has and will be. How you can put your energy into entirely blaming your friend instead of respecting yourself (and your sister) by telling your fiancé to get fucked is baffling.

I can't believe a guy who's been caught out sleazing over a woman's friends and her own sister in black and white; has gone out to play golf and is now asking what she's picking up for dinner.

He truly thinks he's got you under his boot.

He truly thinks he"ll just pretend it's nothing and you'll go along with it.

No doubt he'll be making wry, humourous arrogant "caught out/hot water/close one there" comments in his group chats.

That poster's posts are always like this. Their username is very memorable because of it.

Sounds like you will probably go ahead and marry this sleazy misogynistic creep.

I wouldn't trust him as far as I would throw him.
His type play away when they get the chance.
It's just who they are.
The way the speak about women is the clue.

You will find out the hard way, a couple of children in, stuck and regretful that you went ahead and married him.

He is not a decent trustworthy man.

Any woman would be out of her mind to go ahead and marry someone like him.

Your friend probably knows more and has for a while and is now releasing evidence because it suits her.

Keep those scheenshots, change your password.

The fact he won't show you says everything.

He has told you put up or shut up.
He hasn't an ounce of respect for any woman, you included.

What a prince🙄

I wish there was a 'low bar' emoji

Imagine what a great wedding day OP would have. Walking down the aisle knowing her fiance is perving over her sister.

Seriously @PollyJH wheres your self respect woman? Ditch this idiot and be thankful you found out what he’s really like before any harm done. If you stay you are consigning yourself to misery, doubt and disrespect.

It's sad you think like this.
She just showed you his true colours and you are focused on saying it's her fault.
She is not to blame here
The same way you are not for talking to your dp about it.
All the men in the chat sound like dicks
And all partners need to get more self respect and call them out on it.

Well what a peach he is! Why can’t he go to the bloody shop after golf? He’s taking you for a fool

Also, someone went into a couple of chats and found those comments by your partner ; it's unlikely in the extreme that that's isolated.
It's representative.

If she isn’t willing to speak then she is shit stirring as far as I’m concerned

But she sent you images of his comments, did she not?

How is she shit stirring?

They're there in black and white.

Even if that's all she found, it's not shit stirring.

And you seem to be focused her her calling him your sleazy fiance - like that means she knows more - but she doesn't need to know more to call him your sleazy fiance.
He is sleazy.

More fool you to be honest. Imagine marrying a man who thinks that about your sister. Raise your bar.