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DP’s messages in group chat - do I confront him?

636 replies

PollyJH · 04/04/2025 16:46

Feeling a bit upset/unsure what to do currently. I have a close friend who is going through a rough time with her partner (pretty much on brink of splitting up). He, my DP and a couple of other friends’ partners have become matey over the years and are in a group chat together.

Here’s the issue. My friend has had recent suspicions that her partner is ‘playing away’, and at the suggestion of another friend, went through his phone. He was on a work call whilst it was charging in another room, so no risk of him walking in.

She didn’t find any evidence of him messaging other women, but did go through recent messages in the group chat I mentioned above.

She took photos of different exchanges and sent them to me. These involve my DP using some really inappropriate terms when discussing other women, including members of our wider friend group - two in particular that are single. We met up as a group last weekend which is likely why it was a recent discussion.

One of the two, he said he ‘wouldn’t ride her into battle’ and the other one, he said (quoted exactly) ‘she must be a shit shag because I’ve never known anyone with a body like that to be single for that long’ followed by laughing emoji’s.

I’ve literally found this out this afternoon and DP is not back from work yet. Do I say anything? It will possibly give away that my friend has been snooping on her partner and I don’t want to cause any issues for her. But at the same time,
i’m really upset about how my DP described my two friends.

OP posts:
namechangetheworld · 05/04/2025 21:30

SouthLondonMum22 · 05/04/2025 18:07

It isn't logical, it's just what you want to believe. He's only sorry that he got caught out.

Good luck. I just hope you don't have any daughters with him when you have children.

Edited

Are you implying because a fully grown man made pervy comment about a fully grown woman he is also capable of molesting his future daughters? Or am I missing something?

Chezxx · 05/04/2025 21:06

As expected, OP will have to learn the hard way🙄.

Flowers and chocolates 🤣🙄

Megifer · 05/04/2025 21:03

Lovelysausagedogscrumpy · 05/04/2025 18:37

Why on earth would you post something so insulting about someone you don’t know ? The comments were appalling. OP found a way to bring them up in conversation and made it clear they weren’t acceptable. He hasn’t doubled down, he’s apologised. What you’ve posted here is disgusting - even for MN.

What? Go and have a lie down 🙄

MightyGoldBear · 05/04/2025 20:08

Op it's your life, people absolutely can change, can make ammends and not do destructive behaviors again. Can earn back trust.But the ones that are successful in that put in the work and boundaries to make that successful. What is your partner going to do going forward that will help him change those view points and behaviors? What boundaries will he put in place for himself to stop him slipping into old behaviors and "banter"?
Bearing in mind he is surrounded by a friendship group that also hold those same destructive viewpoints and behaviors, so they won't challenge him or pull him up. Those behaviors and views are also something that he has engaged with and held For well over a decade or more. It's difficult to change ingrained habits.

Saying he won't do it again but not telling you how he plans to keep that promise is as much good as someone saying they will lose weight without changing a single thing about their lifestyle or diet.

Life can deal us some real shit hands. Especially as we get older.Is this the person who you want by your side who is going to be there for you and always want the best for you? Does he allow you to be the best version of yourself does he lift you up? Or are you having to sacrifice parts of yourself by being with him? Because he has certainly disrupted your peace and that won't go away for you on its own.

crumblingschools · 05/04/2025 19:24

@PollyJH who did food shop and cooked dinner, or did you just eat the chocolates?

crumblingschools · 05/04/2025 19:14

If he wasn’t a misogynistic shitbag posters might not have suggested OP confront him @Lovelysausagedogscrumpy

SouthLondonMum22 · 05/04/2025 19:13

Lovelysausagedogscrumpy · 05/04/2025 19:09

Funny, I thought the point of MN was that people post for advice. OP didn’t ask whether her fiancé was a misogynistic shitbag, she asked whether she should confront him. Didn’t stop a slew of posters telling her he was a misogynistic shitbag though. Which was not the point of her post. At all.

If he does misogynistic shitbag things then people will call him a misogynistic shitbag. Especially on AIBU.

crumblingschools · 05/04/2025 19:12

In what way did he not comment on your sister @PollyJH? If he was a decent man he would have stopped the conversation not said something about low cut dress

And before other posters jump on me, I am not full of bitterness. I have a high bar, DH is on the same page and we have brought our son up to be respectful

Lovelysausagedogscrumpy · 05/04/2025 19:09

SouthLondonMum22 · 05/04/2025 19:01

Happens on AIBU all of the time. It's kind of the point, people are asked to make judgements on those they've never met.

Though I don't need to have met someone when their actions say it all. There's also friends partner who has met him and talked about skeletons in his closet which doesn't bode well.

Funny, I thought the point of MN was that people post for advice. OP didn’t ask whether her fiancé was a misogynistic shitbag, she asked whether she should confront him. Didn’t stop a slew of posters telling her he was a misogynistic shitbag though. Which was not the point of her post. At all.

SouthLondonMum22 · 05/04/2025 19:01

Lovelysausagedogscrumpy · 05/04/2025 18:48

That’s good coming from one of the army of posters who are quite willing to be judge, jury and executioner of someone they’ve never met !!

Happens on AIBU all of the time. It's kind of the point, people are asked to make judgements on those they've never met.

Though I don't need to have met someone when their actions say it all. There's also friends partner who has met him and talked about skeletons in his closet which doesn't bode well.

JohnWayneswife · 05/04/2025 18:56

Ffs OPs fiance was an immature idiot

But some of the comments you're throwing at each other are worse.

Lovelysausagedogscrumpy · 05/04/2025 18:48

SouthLondonMum22 · 05/04/2025 18:19

You clearly don't have the greatest judgement when it comes to that.

That’s good coming from one of the army of posters who are quite willing to be judge, jury and executioner of someone they’ve never met !!

Lovelysausagedogscrumpy · 05/04/2025 18:46

Andwhoisasking · 05/04/2025 18:40

Oh please. Both my husband and I have been together over 20 years and are both very happy and extremely successful. I just have standards.

Still doesn’t change the fact that there are some people here who are clearly projecting and for whom the only solution is to have OP break up the relationship. OP’s ‘standards’ are very much linked to whether her fiancé is genuinely sorry. Only she can know that.

Andwhoisasking · 05/04/2025 18:40

namechangetheworld · 05/04/2025 14:42

No, they have been treated badly by men in the past and are allowing their own experiences to colour their view of this person whose only crime, as far as I can see, is sending a private message to his friends. OP has specifically said there were no issues before her 'friend' sent these screenshots. All of the speculation about him cheating on stag dos, discussing their sex life with his mates, messaging other women is just that - speculation.

Oh please. Both my husband and I have been together over 20 years and are both very happy and extremely successful. I just have standards.

Lovelysausagedogscrumpy · 05/04/2025 18:37

Megifer · 05/04/2025 17:45

Ahhh....the script <wistful>

If he has a stag do somewhere like Prague or Amsterdam etc he'll probably be absolutely crawling with STDs when he gets back so make sure he gets tested!

Good luck 😬

Why on earth would you post something so insulting about someone you don’t know ? The comments were appalling. OP found a way to bring them up in conversation and made it clear they weren’t acceptable. He hasn’t doubled down, he’s apologised. What you’ve posted here is disgusting - even for MN.

Bumblebeestiltskin · 05/04/2025 18:30

You're an idiot, but never mind. Just make sure you name change when you come back in a year or two, or people will dig up this post and say we told you so.

B1anche · 05/04/2025 18:30

PollyJH · 05/04/2025 17:38

He walked in about an hour ago with a bouquet of flowers and my favourite chocolates. He said sorry again for the comments and assured me it’s not something he will do again. He says he can’t wait to marry me and thinks about our future every day.

I am prepared to draw a line under it and not give it any more headspace. My friend has nothing left to say and unless she has anything concrete, I’ve told her I don’t want to hear it.

Thank you for the replies and suggestions, it helped me feel able to bring it up last night and means it won’t be playing on my mind going forward x

Wow he knows how to get around you! But I guarantee it will be playing on your mind for the whole time you're with him...

Imbusytodaysorry · 05/04/2025 18:22

SouthLondonMum22 · 05/04/2025 18:19

You clearly don't have the greatest judgement when it comes to that.

Agreed!

SouthLondonMum22 · 05/04/2025 18:19

PollyJH · 05/04/2025 18:15

Classy 🙄

You clearly don't have the greatest judgement when it comes to that.

2025willbemytime · 05/04/2025 18:16

People are trying to make you think and save you from yourself. They aren't being spiteful.

PollyJH · 05/04/2025 18:15

SouthLondonMum22 · 05/04/2025 18:07

It isn't logical, it's just what you want to believe. He's only sorry that he got caught out.

Good luck. I just hope you don't have any daughters with him when you have children.

Edited

Classy 🙄

OP posts:
Renamedyetagain · 05/04/2025 18:12

What a prince amongst men. 🙄

WhereIsMyJumper · 05/04/2025 18:10

JohnWayneswife · 05/04/2025 18:04

Op, yes he was a dick. You've accepted his apology, if I was you I'd stop looking here because there are a few posters who unless you line up your quackers and get a solicitor will just keep posting about how niave you are.

I second this

SouthLondonMum22 · 05/04/2025 18:07

PollyJH · 05/04/2025 18:00

I’ve accepted his explanation- it is logical and he never specifically commented on my sister.

It isn't logical, it's just what you want to believe. He's only sorry that he got caught out.

Good luck. I just hope you don't have any daughters with him when you have children.

JohnWayneswife · 05/04/2025 18:04

PollyJH · 05/04/2025 18:00

I’ve accepted his explanation- it is logical and he never specifically commented on my sister.

Op, yes he was a dick. You've accepted his apology, if I was you I'd stop looking here because there are a few posters who unless you line up your quackers and get a solicitor will just keep posting about how niave you are.