DP’s messages in group chat - do I confront him?

He brought you your favourite chocolates? Oh, everything is definitely OK then. You should definitely marry him. He sounds absolutely Perfect. I mean it's every woman's dream to marry a man who is perving all over their sisters tits on their wedding day. How lovely.

And trying to blame your friend for trying to sabotage your relationship? She's trying to help you, to stop you making what will probably be the biggest mistake of your life. Stop being an idiot

Tamely accepting him not showing you the chat, and then gaslighting yourself for chocolate and flowers is an odd choice this early, before you're tied to him.

@PollyJH, your calling your Partner’s horrific behavior ‘silly’ suggests that you are minimizing his massive disrespect of you and his entrenched devaluation of women.

Flowers and chocolates won’t erase who he is — a vulgarian who sees women as fair game for his and his crew’s lascivious drooling and mockery. It’s creepy how they enjoy sharing their arousal. Decent men don’t behave this way. They don’t act like dogs in heat or gain validation by trampling on women’s dignity.

He bamboozled you that his scuzzy remarks re your sister are ‘logical’. The truth is that he wants to ogle her and all the bridesmaids’ cleavage, and it was the specific mention of your sister that triggered his lusty remarks.

He forbade your seeing his phone, which obviously holds or has held a deep well of both sexual and mean-spirited comments, and perhaps worse. No female in his orbit is
off-limits to his degradation, neither you nor your sister or friends.

P has you where he wants you with little effort and probably can’t believe it’s been so easy. He has suffered no real consequences and has successfully obstructed you. You’re ostriching and refusing to listen to anything else your friend discovers. P is free to resume his abhorrent ways and you’ll be none the wiser.

@PollyJH, you’ve been gifted with strong warnings. This man is not a safe partner, and is not husband or father material.

But he did specifically comment on your sister. When asked if your sister would be a bridesmaid he said “yes… and I hope the dresses will be tight and low cut”. That was a comment about wanting the dress to show off your sister’s boobs.

How will you know if he says stuff like this again? He never showed you the texts, he never will show you the texts, and if he is more circumspect about what he types that doesn’t mean he’s not thinking and saying these things in private.

I’m not saying you should end the relationship. But I do think you shouldn’t lay things to rest because of a cheap gift. (Or even an expensive gift, but this one was cheap.)

You know what he’s saying right now in the group chat? “All serene here. Got in a game of golf without any nagging and chucked her some flowers and chocs and it seems to have blown over. Phew.”

I do think you've were quite unfair to start blaming your friend for wanting to sabotage your relationship. That would be true if she made up what she had said but she didn't because your DP did say it. It's not nice what he's said but if you've talked about it and drawn a line I'd suggest moving on. I wonder if you're upset at your friend because she has uncovered a flaw in your seemingly perfect relationship and you are uncomfortable now that she knows this. It's not classy for women to turn on women when it's men doing the crap. Fair enough to say you don't want to hear anything more, your choice.

Yes, this is so classy..... His reply said ‘Yes. And before one of you dirty buggers say it, I hope the dresses will be tight and low cut too 😂😂

So classy, that bit of shit you're marrying. How proud you must feel, such class and high standards there.

Ummm..... You might want to remember what you told us.

another partner asks my DP ‘is PollyJH’s sister going to be a bridesmaid at the wedding’. His reply said ‘Yes. And before one of you dirty buggers say it, I hope the dresses will be tight and low cut too 😂😂

He showed absolutely no remorse at all, at first. Only now does he.

Have some women truly come down in the last shower and have no understanding of how men operate?

You mean he won't be silly enough to get caught next time.

Is getting some cock really this important to you that you will settle for a guy that will be ogling your sister at your own wedding? Ffs get some self respect!

PS If he truly loved you, your sisters tits wouldn't even be on his radar!! And you know it. Enjoy your 'marriage'.

Very true.

Definitely not father material either way.

I actually hope they don’t have any sons to pass on the misogynistic attitudes to, either.

Don't be so naive! He will just get better at it

He won’t be silly enough to do it again

He won't be silly enough to get caught again

And as for consequences....there have been none, so he knows there will continue to be none.

Especially after you've gotten married and don't want to break it up, be divorced and look like a "failure".

Doubly, especially after you've had kids and don't want to break up your home and family.

He knows you won't get rid of him for sleazing over your sister, being sexually derogatory towards your female acquaintances, and having been told that his friend said he has "lots of skeletons in his closet" now ; with no marriage or kids ... . You think he believes you'll get rid of him when you're tied in and invested?

You only have nothing concrete because his mate wouldn't elaborate on his knee-jerk bit of indiscretion (when he couldn't help himself responding to your friend holding your relationship up as some kind of ideal to him). He shut up himself quickly after that lapse ....and with all this being discussed - he"ll continue that x 100.
That's why you have nothing concrete

(Anyway, many people would consider his remarks about your sister's body and his remarks about other women of your acquaintance "concrete" enough in terms of his character and values).

My sister was cheaply bought/won over with flowers, chocolates (and in her case a bracelet) too.

She's divorced.

(The gestures just further demonstrate men like this's opinion of women ..... easily suckered with romantic gestures, soft, silly, emotional, "manipulable").

It's depressing to see a young woman who could choose better throwing her lot in with someone like this.

I suppose Austen (?) was right when she said never rush to partner yourself to a fool, because there are plenty of other (female) fools to partner them.

finding a woman attractive and commenting on it?

Decent men wouldn't comment on their attraction to their partner's sister.

And the other comments were derogatory women.
Nothing to do with attraction.
Everything to do with objectifying, judging, degrading etc. women.

This thread is full of some of the highest level minimising, twisting, gas lighting and outright lying about a man's behaviour and words; I've ever seen on here.
It's truly bizarre.

Hopefully all stag does he'll ever go on will also be golfing weekends!

I dated an older man, keen golfer - went on golf trips to Spain and Portugal. Vast majority of the men on the tips were married, with grown up kids and often grand kids.

He said there are brothels in Portugal etc. they went to most nights. Often South American prostitutes; they would have been young enough to be their grand daughters.

Their wives probably thought they were well past that age, or that they we weren't like that at all.

That's what golf trips are (golf in the daytime, other activities at night) to a section of the male golfers from my region of the UK, and I somehow doubt it's isolated to my region.

What a disgusting comment

He’s salivating over his future sister in law and will 100% be drooling over her at the wedding.
it’s not a stretch to suggest the sort of prick who behaves like this will shag prostitutes on his own stag. The man has no boundaries and sees all women including his future family as sexual objects to be crude over

Using terms which OP herself described as really inappropriate towards women. Not to mention the comment when asked about OP's sister.

I wouldn't want to have a daughter (or a child at all) with someone who is misogynistic.

To be frank, a man making crude, sexual comments and salivating over his fiancé’s SISTER doesn’t suggest he has a whole lot of boundaries

What’s not classy is your fiance. He’s repugnant. Even having that language to describe women in him is repulsive. Decent men would not utter those words even to impress their friends.

you do you. Just don’t expect a happy ever after with this objectifying, misogynistic, sister in law ogling and salivating creep.

and yes he has checked your sister out. That’s why he knew the others would say crude things.

to stop them he wouldn’t indulge by initiating sexual drooling comments. He would tell them to shut up.

What attitude, finding a woman attractive and commenting on it?

How on earth does this relate to him having daughters in the future? Don't be daft.

No. I'm saying I hope he never has daughters since he clearly has no respect for women.

To be fair, it applies to sons too because it's an awful example to set.

@namechangetheworld would you want daughters to have a dad who had that attitude towards women

"I hope the dresses will be tight and low cut to"

You can rugsweep but this will come up again.

You know he didn't give you his phone because you would have found even worse and likely about you.