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DP’s messages in group chat - do I confront him?

636 replies

PollyJH · 04/04/2025 16:46

Feeling a bit upset/unsure what to do currently. I have a close friend who is going through a rough time with her partner (pretty much on brink of splitting up). He, my DP and a couple of other friends’ partners have become matey over the years and are in a group chat together.

Here’s the issue. My friend has had recent suspicions that her partner is ‘playing away’, and at the suggestion of another friend, went through his phone. He was on a work call whilst it was charging in another room, so no risk of him walking in.

She didn’t find any evidence of him messaging other women, but did go through recent messages in the group chat I mentioned above.

She took photos of different exchanges and sent them to me. These involve my DP using some really inappropriate terms when discussing other women, including members of our wider friend group - two in particular that are single. We met up as a group last weekend which is likely why it was a recent discussion.

One of the two, he said he ‘wouldn’t ride her into battle’ and the other one, he said (quoted exactly) ‘she must be a shit shag because I’ve never known anyone with a body like that to be single for that long’ followed by laughing emoji’s.

I’ve literally found this out this afternoon and DP is not back from work yet. Do I say anything? It will possibly give away that my friend has been snooping on her partner and I don’t want to cause any issues for her. But at the same time,
i’m really upset about how my DP described my two friends.

OP posts:
ZippyPeer · 04/04/2025 17:13

It's giving you some interesting insight into how your partner views women...it would definitely change how I saw my partner tbh.

Any other signs of misogyny or is it just a weakness for trying to impress The Lads (which is still toxic imo)?

PollyJH · 04/04/2025 17:09

HuffleMyPuffle · 04/04/2025 16:59

No

Leave it

Your friend was wrong to go snooping in that chat and she's causing drama by telling you

Don't police his actions with his mates.

You'll come across as controlling

This is my fear, and would put my friend right in it with her partner too.

I wish she’d never sent me them to be honest

OP posts:
PollyJH · 04/04/2025 17:08

Didimum · 04/04/2025 16:57

How long have you been together? Mortgage? Kids? Some things might be better off unheard, all things considered. But the cat's out the bag now and I personally don't think I could ever feel the same way about my partner after discovering something like this. Is he the kind of guy to 'talk shit' like this with you too? Or does he otherwise pretend he is decent and respectful?

4 years, engaged and hoping to have kids in the future (post wedding).

He has never made comments of this nature around me before.

OP posts:
WhereIsMyJumper · 04/04/2025 17:05

Ugh. Why are men such cunts.

HuffleMyPuffle · 04/04/2025 16:59

No

Leave it

Your friend was wrong to go snooping in that chat and she's causing drama by telling you

Don't police his actions with his mates.

You'll come across as controlling

RatandToad · 04/04/2025 16:57

No good ever comes from snooping.
Would you be able to legitimately borrow his phone and see his messages?

That, or just end it, assuming it is a deal breaker for you to discover he is a misogynist, even if you can't present him with evidence or explanation without outing your friend.

Didimum · 04/04/2025 16:57

How long have you been together? Mortgage? Kids? Some things might be better off unheard, all things considered. But the cat's out the bag now and I personally don't think I could ever feel the same way about my partner after discovering something like this. Is he the kind of guy to 'talk shit' like this with you too? Or does he otherwise pretend he is decent and respectful?

cadburyegg · 04/04/2025 16:57

I would confront him.

Some women wouldn’t care, but you obviously do.

FWIW that would give me the major ick that I’m not sure I’d be able to come back from. It’s grim.

PollyJH · 04/04/2025 16:52

Moonnstars · 04/04/2025 16:49

I don't think anything good ever comes from snooping. Yes it's not appropriate, especially because it's people you know however do you ever discuss relationships/men with your friends?

Not in those sort of terms, I’ve never singled out my DP’s single mates and been rude about them.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 04/04/2025 16:49

I don't think I could stop myself confronting him. Your friend sent you those for a reason. What a horrible specimen.

Moonnstars · 04/04/2025 16:49

I don't think anything good ever comes from snooping. Yes it's not appropriate, especially because it's people you know however do you ever discuss relationships/men with your friends?