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Original poster

DP’s messages in group chat - do I confront him?

636 replies

PollyJH · 04/04/2025 16:46

Feeling a bit upset/unsure what to do currently. I have a close friend who is going through a rough time with her partner (pretty much on brink of splitting up). He, my DP and a couple of other friends’ partners have become matey over the years and are in a group chat together.

Here’s the issue. My friend has had recent suspicions that her partner is ‘playing away’, and at the suggestion of another friend, went through his phone. He was on a work call whilst it was charging in another room, so no risk of him walking in.

She didn’t find any evidence of him messaging other women, but did go through recent messages in the group chat I mentioned above.

She took photos of different exchanges and sent them to me. These involve my DP using some really inappropriate terms when discussing other women, including members of our wider friend group - two in particular that are single. We met up as a group last weekend which is likely why it was a recent discussion.

One of the two, he said he ‘wouldn’t ride her into battle’ and the other one, he said (quoted exactly) ‘she must be a shit shag because I’ve never known anyone with a body like that to be single for that long’ followed by laughing emoji’s.

I’ve literally found this out this afternoon and DP is not back from work yet. Do I say anything? It will possibly give away that my friend has been snooping on her partner and I don’t want to cause any issues for her. But at the same time,
i’m really upset about how my DP described my two friends.

OP posts:
Timble · 04/04/2025 18:10

Can you find a reason to look at your DP phone and come across these messages yourself? Then you can talk to him about it without involving your friend.

EBoo80 · 04/04/2025 18:10

100% this is not how all men speak about women with their friends. Have higher standards.

Iloveshihtzus · 04/04/2025 18:09

Redpeach · 04/04/2025 18:07

Could you watch a drama or doc with him, such as adolescence to broach the subject?

Ok, this has seriously jumped the shark.

thepariscrimefiles · 04/04/2025 18:07

Moonnstars · 04/04/2025 16:49

I don't think anything good ever comes from snooping. Yes it's not appropriate, especially because it's people you know however do you ever discuss relationships/men with your friends?

OP didn't snoop though. Her friend did because she was suspicious about her partner and sent the photos of the chat to OP. Is OP supposed to just ignore the misogyny and lack of respect towards two of her close friends.

Redpeach · 04/04/2025 18:07

Could you watch a drama or doc with him, such as adolescence to broach the subject?

gannett · 04/04/2025 18:06

Tbh men do chat like this with their friends, they have conversations with their friends they wouldn't have with us

No, it's such a low bar to assume all men talk like this.

A few months ago I was with a couple of male friends to watch the US elections - late-night drinking etc - and another of their friends came along and brought some of his colleagues. I had go to into the next door room at one point to do some last-minute work (don't ask) and they didn't know I could still hear them talk. The colleagues that no one know began talking exactly like this (about various female Tory MPs, which boggled my mind) but I noticed very awkward silences from my friends until one of the hosts politely but firmly told the random guys that he wouldn't have that kind of talk in his house. I silently applauded. The randoms didn't stay much longer and when they left I applauded my mates out loud.

Ohnobackagain · 04/04/2025 18:05

Ace56 · 04/04/2025 18:03

I wouldn’t say anything to him, but this would be a massive red flag for me. I’d quietly be watching out for any other signs of misogyny and seriously consider whether I want to marry this man.

Absolutely agree with this @PollyJH would be looking closely at our relationship

Ace56 · 04/04/2025 18:03

I wouldn’t say anything to him, but this would be a massive red flag for me. I’d quietly be watching out for any other signs of misogyny and seriously consider whether I want to marry this man.

Takenoprisoner · 04/04/2025 18:03

MagicalMystical · 04/04/2025 17:49

This would be a deal breaker for me. I don’t think you can change someone’s deep seated views, they run right through a person due to the culture and upbringing they had, so I wouldn’t waste my energy on confronting him.

I would be leaving this arsehole and finding someone who aligned with my own views.

I agree. Leave him, don't bother confronting.

The thing is it's not easy to find someone who is genuinely respectful and decent. I bet op's partner hid it well thus far and usually it only comes out after marriage or children.

I don't know what the answer is, but breeding with this sort of man knowingly isn't it.

Andwhoisasking · 04/04/2025 18:01

Why on earth would you marry him?

Imbusytodaysorry · 04/04/2025 17:59

PollyJH · 04/04/2025 17:08

4 years, engaged and hoping to have kids in the future (post wedding).

He has never made comments of this nature around me before.

Show quote history

@PollyJH Of course he hasn’t ! First chance he got he would have that body though and see if she was shit in bed or not .!
It shows you exactly how he sees women and has no respect for you.
I wouldn’t trust him to be faithful .

Pamspeople · 04/04/2025 17:59

TheNoonBell · 04/04/2025 17:57

I'd leave it. It looks like one divorce is upcoming, better not to make it more.

Low bar

2025willbemytime · 04/04/2025 17:58

TheNoonBell · 04/04/2025 17:57

I'd leave it. It looks like one divorce is upcoming, better not to make it more.

Bonkers.

Pamspeople · 04/04/2025 17:58

PollyJH · 04/04/2025 17:44

I am partly wondering if my friend sent me these so she feels better about her own relationship- in that she doesn’t want to be the only one with issues?

This is a side issue. Don't use this to avoid facing up to what you've found out about the man you're planning to marry. I wouldn't be able to get past it, I can't bear misogyny and find it deeply unattractive

TheNoonBell · 04/04/2025 17:57

I'd leave it. It looks like one divorce is upcoming, better not to make it more.

2025willbemytime · 04/04/2025 17:54

PollyJH · 04/04/2025 17:44

I am partly wondering if my friend sent me these so she feels better about her own relationship- in that she doesn’t want to be the only one with issues?

If you truly think this, why are you friends with her?

Most decent people want their friends to be happy even when they are having a tough time.

YerArseInParsley · 04/04/2025 17:53

You don't need to tell him who sent the messages. Screenshot them then delete them from the chat with your friend.

Tbh men do chat like this with their friends, they have conversations with their friends they wouldn't have with us it's just unfortunate it's about 2 of yours friends and you've been told about it.

It's OK saying just leave sleeping dogs but it's eating at you and it will until you have it out with him.

PassingStranger · 04/04/2025 17:52

Is he 16, he sounds very immature.

Showing off by the sounds of it. These two women probably wouldn't like twice at him anyway.

Barleysugar86 · 04/04/2025 17:52

There isn't really anything to be gained from talking to him is there? He's done it, it's not really something you can ask him to apologise for, and it's unfair to police how someone talks in private chats with their friends if its not directly about you/ your relationship.

His attitude is gross though and I would feel funny about him after this.

2025willbemytime · 04/04/2025 17:52

PollyJH · 04/04/2025 17:17

I find it disgusting but just don’t think I can bring it up without causing a lot of trouble 😐

If you want to end it you don't need to say this is why.

Bumblebeestiltskin · 04/04/2025 17:52

PollyJH · 04/04/2025 17:44

I am partly wondering if my friend sent me these so she feels better about her own relationship- in that she doesn’t want to be the only one with issues?

You're already trying to justify staying with him. Sigh.

Pamspeople · 04/04/2025 17:50

This is how he talks about women when he's relaxed with his mates. Talks about your actual friends. You can never not know this 😕

MagicalMystical · 04/04/2025 17:49

This would be a deal breaker for me. I don’t think you can change someone’s deep seated views, they run right through a person due to the culture and upbringing they had, so I wouldn’t waste my energy on confronting him.

I would be leaving this arsehole and finding someone who aligned with my own views.

Pamspeople · 04/04/2025 17:48

I don't think you can drop your friend in it. And I'm not sure what you would want to come out of confronting him with the messages. Do you want to hear him reassure you that he's not that sort of guy, that it was just a joke, that he is the respectful decent person you thought he was?

Takenoprisoner · 04/04/2025 17:47

WhereIsMyJumper · 04/04/2025 17:22

Completely agree. They are personally offended by us not being attractive enough, or being too attractive, or being married or being single.
It’s like they think we exist only for their entertainment.

Show quote history

Couldn't agree more with you and with @whereismyjumper

Look at some of the posts here excusing him basically saying oh this is just how men banter. No this is more than how some men banter. this is very revealing of how they think, feel and relate to women.

@PollyJH can you really get past this, marry this man and have dc, knowing at every get together he is going to be thoroughly appraising all your female friends and possibly your family members also?

I despair for men. I despair for women going along with this even more