DP’s messages in group chat - do I confront him?

Tricky one OP. Don’t do any further snooping and definitely don’t tell your DP that your mate sent screenshots.

I recommend you watch Adolescence with him and/or focus on asking him about his point of view on women and male “banter”. If you’re both seeing kids in your future, you could ask how he would want to bring up children.

It’s important you really know how he feels, as I’ve seen first hand how any hint of toxic masculinity will only filter down to your future kids.

I think you’ll be hard pressed to find a man (or woman) that hasn’t said something to their friends that they wouldn’t say to their SOs. I’m sure that I’m not the only one who has made comments that are on the, shall we say, adult content side of things.

Honestly what are you looking to get out of a conversation with your Partner? Contrition, a promise to never do it again, something else?

leave him or let it go…but really your friend who shared this with you would be getting a lot of distance from me…she’s trying to blow up your relationship.

I don't think it's her friend she needs to keep her wits about her around.

Your post comes across as quite misogynistic.

I’m sorry but under no circumstances pretend you were the one who snooped to save your friend. If you feel the need to confront him say it’s been drawn to my attention that you said x, y and z. It could be any of the partners. If he asks who say you are unwilling to share their name but will forward him the screenshots if he wishes.

It will drop her friend in the shit for going through her partners’ phone.

I wish she’d never sent me them to be honest

You're better knowing what he's like, no matter what.

Some women wouldn’t care

I can't think of one woman I know who wouldn't care.

It’s one thing to say something like ‘yikes, his nose is so huge he can probably smell BO from China’ or ‘wow, bet she can bench press an elephant’. Quite mean spirited but I’m sure most friend groups exchange private jokes at someone else’s expense.

The bad part is that it’s all sexual and all about women. Women you know, not random celebrities the same way I might talk about Ryan Gosling. Any decent guy wouldn’t go there with this sort of talk. My DH would be devastated to hear me talk about a guy we knew like that, it wouldn’t even enter my head to do it.

I get your friend is going through a tough time but she is shit stirring, she had no business sending you the messages. Ignore them and keep your wits about you when you are around your friend

he said he ‘wouldn’t ride her into battle’

I don’t know what this means.

She shouldn’t have involved you but since she has it’s on her if you bringing it up with him causes issues. I hate the idea of DH discussing anyone like this, it’s revolting.

What are you going to do? Can you see him in the same light?

I would have to say something!!! I find this type of behaviour so gross🤢

Some people might think it’s just men showing off to eachother and trying to be “laddish” but to have thoughts like this is a red flag in my opinion anyway and disrespectful to your friends

dear god

Yeah - absolutely just ignore all that you now know 🙄

However the information came to you, you can’t unknow it now - so now you have to deal with it.

Doesn’t sound as if your friend’s relationship is much good anyway, so I wouldn’t worry about ‘landing her in it’ - neither she, not you - have done anything wrong!

Its your boyfriends who are acting inappropriately - if they don’t like being confronted with their shitty behaviour, that’s too bad…

He didn’t make the comments around you this time.

Is there any external catalyst where you could bring the subject up obliquely? e.g. you watch something on netflix about snooping on someone's phone and you ask "If I snooped on your phone (which I wouldn't do), would there be anything on it that you think I'd not like?"

It's a bit like the prisoners dilemma.

Or you could ask directly. "When you post on chat do you ever post anything that is in the smallest way misogynistic?" But if you never have that kind of conversation it won't run well...

Well, it's a gross way to talk about women but I also wouldn't assume the group chat is an accurate reflection of his real feelings. Context collapse is a thing, and it's not unusual for people to find that different parts of their personality come to the fore in different contexts. Your partner has a coarser side that he (quite rightly) saves for a particular context. It doesn't follow that that coarser side is the real him and that the way he is with you is false.

It was wrong of your friend to share the screenshots with you. I'd be trying to put it out of my head. If you can't do that, then tell him what has happened, explain that you didn't snoop but were sent the screenshots without warning, and that they have left you feeling upset, and give him a chance to reassure you.

I suspect that if we could all see our partners in every context and read their every private thought, we'd all find something to object to (and that goes for women as well as men). That's why privacy is desirable and your friend should not have invaded your partner's privacy by sending you the images.

This. I would not tell partner about this. Your friend is hurting and trying to bring you to the same place. Why spoil your relationship because of some inane remarks? Most/ some of us have had conversations with friend we would not want repeated to partners

In that case I wouldn't be rushing into marriage.

Yes - there are men that do and they should be avoided.

Tell your friend that as she's given you access to these messages and it's bothered you, you obviously won't be able to keep it quiet now. That's a lesson for her in life. It's not fair to expect otherwise.

I think you do need to tell him. Not so you can believe in his apology but so you can explain why you no longer want to get married...

Maybe your OH and his friends all treat women badly if his friend is actually having an affair. I know there's no evidence but it's a possibility.

I'm sorry OP. It must have been awful reading those messages. For the record, anyone who thinks a person (of any gender) is a 'shit shag' it means they don't understand how to have good sex themselves. Blaming a partner for being bad in bed is lame. A good lover won't have a 'shit shag' with anyone.

I'm not saying all men but there are men that do. Op's partner is obviously different with her than he is with his friends

He'll still be able to tell which WhatApp group member's phone the screen shot came from though, as their messages will be green and on the righthand side and the other member's messages will be in white on the left.

This.

Would like to offer you advice I wish I had had. My ex was similar. Rarely allowed me to see his misogynistic views pre marriage and children being yet his behaviour with friends and on boys’ trips was in hindsight terrible. The red flags were there but as he wasn’t waving them in my face I chose to my detriment to ignore them. I wish I hadn’t. I married and had children with only to discover his cheating with another married women, one of many. The fall out and toil on me and my children is something I could only dream of avoiding now. Men like this are not good men regardless of how we dress this up. I now spend a lot of my time protecting my son from my ex’s terrible behaviour and views. Run as fast as you can in the opposite direction and thank your very brave friend for telling you.