DP’s messages in group chat - do I confront him?

And some people are really taking things out of context and making a big deal about nothing, so what that he commented some crude stuff... nobody was meant to see it.

The messages are not appropriate and I get why you are upset but snooping is not acceptable either. People are entitled to some privacy and your friend breached that. It wasn’t actually you snooping so you haven’t done anything wrong but I don’t think you can hold the moral high ground given the way you got the messages.

Why do you assume she's out to cause trouble?

Why do you ascribe the worst motives to women?

Why do you assume women are trouble making, vindictive, jealous etc .?

She couldn't possibly just want to give a woman a heads up that her partner is a bit of a c*nt - before she throws her lot in with him for life.
She's done nothing irreversible with him to date, but will do in the near future.
Her friend couldn't possibly think she better warn her ....no, of course not. Women are always just jealous, vindictive, trouble causing bitches.

It's kind of ironic how we focus on how much men hate women, when so many women clearly hate women too.

Totally agree with this advice.

It’s a group chat yes? So you could have found out from any of the group or their partners.
I would find it impossible not to use that phrase verbatim.

when talking about anyone single. Celebrity. Friend. Anyone. ‘Must be a shit shag because ……..’. And stare him dead in the eye.

How many are in the chat? Has she screenshot everyone pretty grim messages and sent in to their partners?

Don't snoop in his phone!! Why are you looking for trouble when there wasn't any?

I would approach it in a completely different way but that’s just my way of confronting people… I’d wait to sit and watch tv together or scroll online with DH and I would make the exact same two comments about some random women on the tv using his exact words. And I’d just let it sit there..
Obviously to point out that I know without disclosing how. And to see if he’s brave enough to apologise or explain himself or pretend he doesn’t know what I’m on about. Just to test his character.

You covered everything I was thinking and will add a side of ‘misery loves company’

Do you really want to marry a misogynist who sees women as objects? If he talks about your friends like that, how does he talk about you? How will he talk about daughters if he has any?

This is who he is. Women's value to him is sex. There is no rug big enough to sweep that under.

I would never be able to unsee those messages. Sorry.

How is an external catalyst to introduce the subject, jumping the shark?

Why is it misogynistic? The friend has secretly been through her partners’ phone and obviously didn’t examine her motives for sending the screenshots to OP or think through the implications for herself. So she’s inadvertently involved OP and her DP in her own situation. If OP confronts her own DP it will cause trouble in the wider friendship group because he’ll know his own friends’ partner is snooping on him, as well as being angry with OP’s friend for sending screenshots of what was a private conversation, not intended for anyone else to see.

I’m with @HuffleMyPuffle
At the moment, your friend’s relationship is delicate & if you speak with your DP it will almost certainly get back to hers, and certainly won’t do it : her any good.
Whether you raise his behaviour & attitudes with your DP in future is another matter for another day.

the tone and words used weren't very nice

Not very "nice"!

No wonder so many women are in shit relationships with you see posters on this forum.

Everyone suggesting using adolescence as a starting point for a "teaching" conversation with a man .... FFS.

This is a grown adult man, her peer - not her son, not her student, not her nephew. She's not his mummy. it's not up to her to teach a grown arse man how to be a decent human being, how not to be sexist, sleazy, degrading etc to women.

That ship has sailed.

Women are not rehab centres for men.

Even if you want to be a rehab centre, good luck with that.

Personally, I'd leave this alone. The conversation was between him and his friends - no, the tone and words used weren't very nice. However, to confront him, you will drop your friend right in the shit. You'll have to tell him how you have screen shots of the messages, you can't avoid it, otherwise he's going to think you've snooped through his phone.

Her friend who snooped through her partners phone to find if they were cheating no evidence found of that but she did find evidence of the OPs partner being a dick send it to her and say she couldn’t say anything. The friend is out to cause trouble.

But then u need to tell your own partner YOU snooped which I think is much worse. He will ask what he's done to make you check his phone. Imo saying someone else sent you screenshots is better than you saying you don't trust him so you went through his phone

🚩- yuk, I couldn’t look him in they eye after that. Why does he feel the need to neg her when she’s not even reading it. He must be incredibly insecure.

Your friend is hurting and trying to bring you to the same place.

I actually recognise your username from other threads with similar remarks.

You always always project the worst motivations and character onto women.

They are always the villains ...no matter what the men have done.

You also have very low standards for men.

Why would you do this? I asked earlier , but what are you looking to get out of a confrontation with him?

Agreed! Fucking hell 😂😉😂

It doesn't matter how you found out or if you even bring up the topic with him.

Do you want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't respect you? Can't be trusted and hides their true self from you? Manipulates you?

That's the only question you need to ask yourself. The rest doesn't matter. Put yourself first. Who you choose as a partner is one of the biggest decisions of your life.

Personally I wouldn't choose him.

My dh pulls men like this up for saying horrendous remarks like your partner has. It isn't banter and not all men do it. You deserve a man that makes you feel safe. They do exist.

Don't go through his phone.

Leave it. File it away but leave it.