DP’s messages in group chat - do I confront him?

Bro was unmasked. These aren’t minor comments, this is how he thinks of and treats women.

OP needs to run because this one will change it all up as soon as she’s trapped. Will be horrific for her 100%

Warn her of what ?.

That he's a bastard who observes & discusses their female acquaintances in sexual and derogatory terms.

I always laugh at the continued massive double standards so many women have for men.

I can tell you for free than if a man like him saw his girlfriend/partner writing things like that about their male acquaintances - he'd be calling her many choice names. He certainly wouldn t be seeing her as good wifey material.

Well no, you can’t say anything, because it’s such an invasion of privacy and involves multiple people.

But it’s really opened your eyes to a side of him you’ve never seen before hasn’t it?

I’m not sure I could see past it to be honest. I’d wonder what he really thinks about women, if he’d ever said anything about me and I’d feel embarrassed to be around those women he’s been so derogatory about. They are supposed to be his mutual friends.

It sounds like that whole group of male friends share similar attitudes. Grim. You thought he was someone that he is not. Many of us could be in the same boat for all we know. The difference is, you know.

Only you can decide what you want to now. Good luck

I'd find that pretty hard to come back from, tbh. Banter or not, it's a revolting thing to say about any woman let alone your friends. Ugh.

If I wasn’t locked down with kids and a ring (even if I was), I’d be out of there in a shot. This is how he thinks about women, this is how he thinks about you too.

Sorry
Hope you learn from this, good luck

Thus giving the impression that OP has snooped through his phone.

This
So many have low standards

I've been with my partner for over 20 years and know absolutely that he never talks or thinks about women in such disgusting terms. And if he started to tomorrow, he'd be out on his fucking ear. Doesn't matter how you found out, the fact is, he sees women as inferior. Fuck that. But not him.

OP isn’t about to throw in the towel on a relationship for a few random comments, as appalling as they were

I had absolutely no idea you are a close friend of the op!!!!! So terribly sorry.

Or are you just projecting your low standards onto her?

Warn her of what ? OP isn’t about to throw in the towel on a relationship for a few random comments, as appalling as they were. And please let’s not pretend that women aren’t just as capable of this kind of crudeness. As another poster succinctly put it - misery loves company. She went through the phone and didn’t find anything incriminating. There was absolutely no need to send those screenshots - they were part of a private conversation not meant for anyone else. It was an act of sheer spite which she clearly didn’t think through because she’s potentially dropped herself right in it if OP says anything.

A little explanation of his first comment.

"...... "I wouldnae ride her intae battle." or in regular English "I wouldn't ride her into battle."

It's used to talk about a woman who's really unattractive. You're basically saying she's so ugly she wouldn't even qualify as being an animal worth riding into battle. That's how ugly and essentially useless she is. I suppose a beautiful horse would be worthy, but an ugly warthog would be an embarrassment for example".

I wouldn't confront him, I'd just end the relationship without explanation. This is not the kind of man I want to spend my life with, much less the kind of man I want to be my children's father.

I can forgive all kinds of things but this speaks to his character and the way he views women at a very base level.

This ^

who gives a shit if this is how he’s thinking! Would you say something similar about his friends? I’m guessing not, as you have decency and respect for him.

What other reason would she send it for?

with the intent of causing problems in their relationship

How would you know what her intent was .... Other than projection of nasty, bitchy behaviour.

You can fall out of love for no particular reason and end the relationship, you’re not ready to settle down having really thought about it etc.
he is showing his true colours, if it gives you the ick, you need out ( id not be happy either FWIW)

His mates were meant to see it.

His partner wasn't.

When you've got a "double faced" man on your hands, don't be surprised when you're at the wrong end of his hidden attitudes and behaviour some day.

He clearly does a lot of thinking and talking about females of their acquaintance in a sexual and derogatory way.
I'd pay attention to that.

If you did get married where do you think his stag do would be?

If it’s clay pigeon shooting in Wales then this is probably just silly bravado in front of his mates but if it’s Amsterdam etc then I’d be worried

I wouldn't want my DH to snoop on how I talk about men/sex with my female friends. It's not so crass in the way that your DP's whatsapps are, but then he's talking to guys and trying to impress/amuse them, and I'm sure I do the equivalent of objectifying hot guys for a laugh with my mates after a glass or two. Which may mean I'm branded a terrible person, but I know I'm a good wife and mum etc but how I chat with my friends is my own business and as long as I'm not cheating or somesuch then my DH would understand and not want to know the ins and outs, nor for me to snoop on his man chat. In OP's case, I'd not confront him unless it offended me so much that I wanted to split up. When I saw the title about confronting him, I thought it must've been evidence of cheating, but as it's not, I don't really see what there is to confront him about.

Clearly he knows not to talk that way in other contexts i.e. to OP, as it would be inappropriate. But the fact he does it with these mates shows it's appropriate for them and hence it's who he is and who they are. So you can't decree that he's not like this. Either go forward more fully knowing who he is and sticking with him, or confront him because it's not tenable to you and you want out. Because if you confront him and stay, he's only gonna say he'll change and then won't, plus all the fall-out of you and your mate's snooping and what good will that do?

I mean, I wouldnt be impressed if my SO wrote that stuff, but I think snooping, screenshoting messages and sending them to someone with the intent of causing problems in their relationship, is even worse than writing something crude and thoughtless.

snooping is not acceptable either. People are entitled to some privacy

Snooping has saved many a person from many a disaster.

No-one's going to find anything bad if there's nothing bad to find.

Boys will be boys eh?

me too

Agree. The friend didn’t find any evidence of cheating and she could have left it at that. I agree the content of the messages was appalling but in a moment of spite she’s set the cat among the pigeons. Karma, as they say, is a bitch.

I would say nothing as it'll cause trouble with your friend, but I would be absolutely on my guard, and quite dubious about your DP's attitudes. I'd be probing and testing them for sure.