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Original poster

DP’s messages in group chat - do I confront him?

636 replies

PollyJH · 04/04/2025 16:46

Feeling a bit upset/unsure what to do currently. I have a close friend who is going through a rough time with her partner (pretty much on brink of splitting up). He, my DP and a couple of other friends’ partners have become matey over the years and are in a group chat together.

Here’s the issue. My friend has had recent suspicions that her partner is ‘playing away’, and at the suggestion of another friend, went through his phone. He was on a work call whilst it was charging in another room, so no risk of him walking in.

She didn’t find any evidence of him messaging other women, but did go through recent messages in the group chat I mentioned above.

She took photos of different exchanges and sent them to me. These involve my DP using some really inappropriate terms when discussing other women, including members of our wider friend group - two in particular that are single. We met up as a group last weekend which is likely why it was a recent discussion.

One of the two, he said he ‘wouldn’t ride her into battle’ and the other one, he said (quoted exactly) ‘she must be a shit shag because I’ve never known anyone with a body like that to be single for that long’ followed by laughing emoji’s.

I’ve literally found this out this afternoon and DP is not back from work yet. Do I say anything? It will possibly give away that my friend has been snooping on her partner and I don’t want to cause any issues for her. But at the same time,
i’m really upset about how my DP described my two friends.

OP posts:
mydogfarts · 04/04/2025 19:34

PollyJH · 04/04/2025 17:44

I am partly wondering if my friend sent me these so she feels better about her own relationship- in that she doesn’t want to be the only one with issues?

I think that's a really nasty interpretation.

I would send these to a friend who was engaged in the hope that at least she was going into the marriage with her eyes open .

Grim way to talk about women

researchers3 · 04/04/2025 19:34

PollyJH · 04/04/2025 17:08

4 years, engaged and hoping to have kids in the future (post wedding).

He has never made comments of this nature around me before.

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Oh good, you still have time to bin him off and find someone who isn't thoroughly unpleasant and misogynistic.

StrawberryDream24 · 04/04/2025 19:32

Lovelysausagedogscrumpy · 04/04/2025 19:28

I didn’t say it was the first time. And the comments were appalling, but it’s the ‘randomly checking’ that l have the problem with.

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I have more of a problem with the way he thinks and talks about women.

You know, the important part.

(And the fact that this is unlikely in the extreme to be isolated is very relevant indeed).

Ladamesansmerci · 04/04/2025 19:32

PollyJH · 04/04/2025 17:09

This is my fear, and would put my friend right in it with her partner too.

I wish she’d never sent me them to be honest

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I wouldn't confront him because I wouldn't want to get my friend in trouble.

But honestly, letting it slide isn't ideal. This kind of gross locker room talk is part of a wider issue and misogyny. I'd personally be rethinking the relationship, because it seems like you partner views women as sex objects and it's grim. This sort of crap goes unchecked so often, which allows men to get away with it. I don't think it's okay because it's a private chat, in the same way racism would still be wrong in a private chat.

Your friend is an AH for putting you in this position as well!

em2001ily · 04/04/2025 19:31

cadburyegg · 04/04/2025 16:57

I would confront him.

Some women wouldn’t care, but you obviously do.

FWIW that would give me the major ick that I’m not sure I’d be able to come back from. It’s grim.

Yes, especially the comment on that woman's "body like that". Yuk. I bet she's nothing special either....🙄

Fluffydolittle · 04/04/2025 19:30

Even if your friend had her own motives, she’s just saved you potentially decades of hell. If you listen properly.

StrawberryDream24 · 04/04/2025 19:30

which don’t give the impression that she’s thinking of ending the relationship

She's probably not even processed this yet

And people telling her her friend is the problem, are really not helping her process this. More like rug sweeping and fingers in ears "lalala" and "all men are like that".

No, they're not, actually. He's a cretin.

Cucy · 04/04/2025 19:29

Do not go through your DPs phone or ask your friend to go through hers again.

What he said was disgusting but you can’t say anything with causing issues in your own relationship, as well as your friends.

Your friend was wrong to snoop and wrong to tell you about what she saw.
She sounds quite toxic tbh.

Lovelysausagedogscrumpy · 04/04/2025 19:28

StrawberryDream24 · 04/04/2025 19:15

OP isn’t about to throw in the towel on a relationship for a few random comments, as appalling as they were

Oh and anyone who thinks he's only made two isolated comments like that, and that that isn't par for the course for him......is delusional.

You don't get caught doing something the first or only time someone happens to randomly check.

Edited

I didn’t say it was the first time. And the comments were appalling, but it’s the ‘randomly checking’ that l have the problem with.

crumblingschools · 04/04/2025 19:26

I hope no-one on here is bringing up their sons to think this is an acceptable way to view women (and I have never used similar expressions to talk about men)

StrawberryDream24 · 04/04/2025 19:25

Pottedpalm · 04/04/2025 19:17

Spot on

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I disagree.

But even if true to any extent; op now knows what her partner is like ..... And that matters.

So the means of finding out, ultimately is less important than what you've found out.

(For example, someone telling someone else their partner is a cheater because they found out their own is; doesn't change the fact that their partner is a cheater).

Fluffydolittle · 04/04/2025 19:25

PollyJH · 04/04/2025 17:44

I am partly wondering if my friend sent me these so she feels better about her own relationship- in that she doesn’t want to be the only one with issues?

Could be, because you are a magnet for narcissists. Some of us are. Learn about them before you meet another.

cheddercherry · 04/04/2025 19:24

Clearly your friend thinks what he said is awful, otherwise she wouldn’t have sent them to you. You hit the nail on the head and while she may not be in a great place she was 100% looking to throw a bomb in your relationship since hers is going down too. In time I’d thank her for it because these views run deep and I suspect there’s a lot you don’t know about what he thinks/ says/ does when he’s not around you.

Only on mumsnet do I see women excuse this kind of language as “banter” and “harmless” but ask yourself if you had a daughter and she a) overheard her dad say this would you be mortified and defend him to her or b) if you heard her future partner say this about her friends would you expect her to stand for it.

Lovelysausagedogscrumpy · 04/04/2025 19:24

StrawberryDream24 · 04/04/2025 19:09

OP isn’t about to throw in the towel on a relationship for a few random comments, as appalling as they were

I had absolutely no idea you are a close friend of the op!!!!! So terribly sorry.

Or are you just projecting your low standards onto her?

Edited

I’ve read OP’s posts, which don’t give the impression that she’s thinking of ending the relationship. She wants it out in the open to discuss and that’s going to be very difficult. The messages were appalling, but the idea floated on MN that ‘my man doesn’t think like that’ is utter nonsense. You don’t know what is said as ‘just bants’ between your man and his friends. What’s said, in many cases doesn’t actually reflect how they think about women - it’s bravado or unthinking stupidity and l don’t blame OP for needing to know what was behind the comments. But you can’t police what your partner does or says in your absence. Especially in this case - friend wasn’t warning her of anything. She was being spiteful. And not very bright.

Fluffydolittle · 04/04/2025 19:22

Cnidarian · 04/04/2025 17:18

Men just hate us don't they. Even the ones that comes across as nice guys when they think no one's looking this is how they speak. And it's us that at crazy amd paranoid when we point it out.

Society teaches them to take no accountability and project it on to women. Don’t worry, it’s catching up to them now

The male loneliness epidemic is 🍿🍿🍿

ConstanceFT · 04/04/2025 19:21

I do not and would not as a mature adult talk of a man in such a way. I ask do you fancy him? Is he a good guy? Funny? I would not comment in such a way.

stayathomegardener · 04/04/2025 19:21

Ok printing is a good idea.

I would print off an edited version not showing who sent what and post them to myself to confront him with therefore throwing suspicion on the entire male group.

I would then insist on seeing his phone.

Outcome I stay and the group is broken up or more likely I leave depending on what I see and his responses.

ConstanceFT · 04/04/2025 19:20

But she isn’t the only one with issues. You have issues in your relationship. Your partner is a misogynist.

Messycoo · 04/04/2025 19:19

This is blokes talking bullocks ! And BS as far as I’m concerned. Yes it’s not nice, but it’s a private conversation between friends.
Jeeze I would be shot, for the foulness that comes out of my mouth with certain friends,
of which I have no filter.
it’s just talk 🗣️

StrawberryDream24 · 04/04/2025 19:17

Hwi · 04/04/2025 19:15

Break up a relationship (because to admit you were snooping would be tantamount to that) to virtue signal? No brainer! The amount of times women say, frequently 'what is wrong with him - so good looking and still single? Is he a gay/pervert/psycho/not normal? Whoaaa, he must be a good ride! I heard these expressions from educated, kind, nice women.

Another classic from hwi.

🙄

Pottedpalm · 04/04/2025 19:17

PollyJH · 04/04/2025 17:44

I am partly wondering if my friend sent me these so she feels better about her own relationship- in that she doesn’t want to be the only one with issues?

Spot on

grumpygrape · 04/04/2025 19:17

MightyGoldBear · 04/04/2025 18:38

It doesn't matter how you found out or if you even bring up the topic with him.

Do you want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't respect you? Can't be trusted and hides their true self from you? Manipulates you?

That's the only question you need to ask yourself. The rest doesn't matter. Put yourself first. Who you choose as a partner is one of the biggest decisions of your life.

Personally I wouldn't choose him.

My dh pulls men like this up for saying horrendous remarks like your partner has. It isn't banter and not all men do it. You deserve a man that makes you feel safe. They do exist.

This 100%

Hwi · 04/04/2025 19:15

Break up a relationship (because to admit you were snooping would be tantamount to that) to virtue signal? No brainer! The amount of times women say, frequently 'what is wrong with him - so good looking and still single? Is he a gay/pervert/psycho/not normal? Whoaaa, he must be a good ride! I heard these expressions from educated, kind, nice women.

outerspacepotato · 04/04/2025 19:15

The friend was more likely shocked by what OP's fiance was saying and was giving her a heads up that this guy has got a very different side than the one he shows her up to now. He's like someone who's two faced. He shows different sides to different people and at his core, he has no respect for women.

StrawberryDream24 · 04/04/2025 19:15

OP isn’t about to throw in the towel on a relationship for a few random comments, as appalling as they were

Oh and anyone who thinks he's only made two isolated comments like that, and that that isn't par for the course for him......is delusional.

You don't get caught doing something the first or only time someone happens to randomly check.