DP’s messages in group chat - do I confront him?

It really isn’t.

I wish my life was as black and white as yours but it isn’t it’s complex. Sometimes the ethical thing to do is to keep your mouth shut.

@Crushed23 Lol....why does his friend need "advice and opinions" about random Instagram thots?!

So the men have the disgusting conversation but as usual it's the woman who is at fault?
The friend was probably as disgusted by what she read as most of the pp on this thread are. And thought OP deserved to know what kind of man her partner really is.
But it's easier for you to lable her as a troublemaker isn't? Because so long as he keeps his misogyny private that's alright isn't it?

Really. Imagine thinking "being a good friend" means keeping secrets from your friend about what sort of person their partner really is. Fucking weird morals.

I can relate to this. I’m dating a guy who has a sleazebag friend who keeps sending him screenshots of the instagram pages and dating profiles of women who he’s chasing, along with crude comments. It’s disgusting and inappropriate, and when I confronted my guy about it he downplayed it and said his friend is looking for a girlfriend and just wants advice/opinions. That’s a bollocks excuse of course, but I don’t feel like I can push it further as these are private conversations among friends. It’s naive to think men don’t discuss women in crude ways, but it’s also not a comfortable thought at all. You have my sympathy.

Or she just wanted OP to know what her DP is really like? I'd want to know if I was her!

Some people have a really low bar both for men and themselves

She is thinking of herself. She should never have sent you those messages. I know something about a close friend’s partner that I will take to my grave (something he once said about me). She may have wanted you to share her misery. If so, she is not a good friend.

I wouldn’t. Your friend should not have been snooping; even worse sending you those messages. She is a trouble maker

People deserve their privacy. This won’t end well. I am not saying it is acceptable but you should wait for a different opportunity.

Neither could I. Your partner thought he was safe to say whatever he wanted. I have the ick and don't even know him.

Why did she send them to you is the question, because she wants you to be as miserable as her probably.

I can't stand lying, and mind games.

I couldn't not say something to my partner because tbh I would no longer feel I knew who he was.

And I don't see why OP has to sneak about making up excuses as to how she obtained this information about the side of him he keeps well hidden from her. I would just tell him her friend saw the messages. Her friend's relationship with her own partner is already in trouble anyway and if there is fall out from this don't see how it can make things much worse.

I really don't understand the pp who expect OP not to say anything. What is the point of a relationship where you are playing mind games and keeping secrets from each other even before you are married and have children? A relationship that isn't open and honest is not worth having.

Tbh though I wouldn't want to go ahead and marry a man who is looking at my friends and judging their bodies and how good they are in bed. And he will be doing this with his work colleagues, with his friends wives and partners. With all women. He is not trustworthy.

yeah its the friend who's the problem LOL. Anything to avoid holding the boys responsible for their behavior 😬

Such low expectations of men.

I'm really not sure that those comments are 'misogynistic'. What he said does not show a deep seated hatred or contempt for women. It's a bit of a rude thing to say but not much more than that.... not much different to 'DPs hot friend has been singel for ages, he must have a small willy' .... not kind but not overly awful, just a laugh. I'd personally be more offended if they were all discussing how much they did want to bang the other friend. It's lads, having a bit of a misguided joke in a lads chat. Let it go and move on. I think you'd be hard pushed to find any guy that doesn't turn into a bit of a knob when privately with his mates.

You can really see the way he views women and men, and himself in those comments.

Not only the entitlement to assess, grade and comment on women as physical/sex objects;

"wouldn't ride her into battle" i.e. I pronounce her ugly.

"with a body like that ..." I.e. I pronounce her body to be good but she must be a headcase cause she can't keep a man.

But the "I wouldn't ride her into battle" (she's too ugly even for a functional/sacrificial role).... Is so "I'm the man, I'm so macho", depicting himself as a warrior in his analogy. With presumably his mates as his fantasy macho cohort of soldiers.

Yeah mate, you're a modern day warrior.

A big boss who sits on high and pronounces your verdict on women & their bodies and whether they're fuckable/you'd fuck them.

He's an utter wanker.

If you think this is acceptable behaviour from men and it's something you're willing to tolerate from partners and other men in your life, that's absolutely your choice. But please don't lie to yourself and to other women that this is just what all men are like. They really aren't. My husband would not speak like this. His friends would not speak like this. My brothers, my grandfather, my uncle, would not speak like this.

Choose low quality men if you want. But you are doing yourself, and any girl or woman you might try and influence with your opinions, a huge disservice by peddling the lie that men can't be better. They can, and lots of them are.

Group chats are a cesspit, including mine with my friends. That's why they're fun.

I would not try to police your partners private conversations with his friends. Nothing to do with you.

Absolutely. He's the type of man who's likely to make lewd comments and/or message hundreds of different women on social media.

Why are you so concerned about how it will affect your friends relationship? She looked and passed it on to you so she has to own that. People have to own their behaviour, your friend for snooping and your DP for being a misogynist.

Just tell him what you know.

But if your going to have a row and then forgive him anyway, maybe there’s no point.

Well I wouldn't raise it. I also wouldn't stay with him.

ha ha snap!

Agreed

ok so you aren't married and no kids. If this really bothers you then you could bin him off without mentioning the chat?