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Original poster

DP’s messages in group chat - do I confront him?

636 replies

PollyJH · 04/04/2025 16:46

Feeling a bit upset/unsure what to do currently. I have a close friend who is going through a rough time with her partner (pretty much on brink of splitting up). He, my DP and a couple of other friends’ partners have become matey over the years and are in a group chat together.

Here’s the issue. My friend has had recent suspicions that her partner is ‘playing away’, and at the suggestion of another friend, went through his phone. He was on a work call whilst it was charging in another room, so no risk of him walking in.

She didn’t find any evidence of him messaging other women, but did go through recent messages in the group chat I mentioned above.

She took photos of different exchanges and sent them to me. These involve my DP using some really inappropriate terms when discussing other women, including members of our wider friend group - two in particular that are single. We met up as a group last weekend which is likely why it was a recent discussion.

One of the two, he said he ‘wouldn’t ride her into battle’ and the other one, he said (quoted exactly) ‘she must be a shit shag because I’ve never known anyone with a body like that to be single for that long’ followed by laughing emoji’s.

I’ve literally found this out this afternoon and DP is not back from work yet. Do I say anything? It will possibly give away that my friend has been snooping on her partner and I don’t want to cause any issues for her. But at the same time,
i’m really upset about how my DP described my two friends.

OP posts:
Fargo79 · 04/04/2025 20:46

Mumofone52 · 04/04/2025 20:32

A misogynist is someone who hates women. Saying I wouldn’t shag her is not hating women. Come on.

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Discussing women in crude terms and having group conversations about whether you would have sex with them is misogynistic. Come on.

Frostynoman · 04/04/2025 20:45

That last comment has to be a line for you OP.

Im sorry you’re in this situation - I think you might want to have a moment to think about how much your mate has your best interests here too

Maray1967 · 04/04/2025 20:43

I would insist on looking at his phone if I couldn’t access the chat without him knowing and ask him what he meant by these comments, especially the one about your sister. I’d give him the shock of his life, to be honest. If I was you, he would know that I’m reconsidering the wedding.

crumblingschools · 04/04/2025 20:42

Maybe ask for his opinion on bridesmaid dresses, see what he says

ThatGladTiger · 04/04/2025 20:41

Show him the screen shots and let him explain himself. I’m not defending him but it’s a group chat full of idiot men. Tell him that you’re hurt, to grow up and not speak about women like that

I’d also reply to your friend and tell her you’re showing your other half. Don’t find an excuse to snoop - this will end badly, none of this is your doing and keep the upper hand here.

Good luck!

outerspacepotato · 04/04/2025 20:40

Your fiance is the one who says crude things about other women and your sister. Be mad at him. He's the one that's perving on your sister.

Your friend has let you know what you're marrying. You are going into this with your eyes open.

endingintiers · 04/04/2025 20:39

You’ve seen what he’s really like… he’ll just deny or minimise it anyway. It’s up to you to decide whether you want to wed someone who views even family members as a piece of meat, and thinks it’s ok to discuss it with other men.

KateShugakIsALegend · 04/04/2025 20:36

What a prince

Jom222 · 04/04/2025 20:35

PollyJH · 04/04/2025 20:21

My friend is pissing me off - she sent me another photo earlier which she said she ‘forgot’ to send originally (which I don’t buy). I snapped a bit and asked if that’s it or she has more saved up and she said yes that’s it.

This one, another partner asks my DP ‘is PollyJH’s sister going to be a bridesmaid at the wedding’. His reply said ‘Yes. And before one of you dirty buggers say it, I hope the dresses will be tight and low cut too 😂😂’

That one has hurt me a bit, I can’t lie. My friend has again sworn me to secrecy but said she couldn’t keep it to herself.

yuck, this last one is possibly the worst of all

What are you going to do now? Go dress shopping and make sure sister has a nice low cut dress so the men can have a gander at her breasts?

I can't imagine my wedding day, looking at my dear sister and knowing my new husband and his friends discussed her body. Just nasty.

diddl · 04/04/2025 20:35

So he's been crude about women you socialise with & about your sister.

Wonder what he says about you.

LucyEleanorModeratz · 04/04/2025 20:33

You're pissed off at your friend and not your revolting, misogynist of 'D'P? The mind truly boggles.

If I saw those sorts of messages from a friend's fiancé, I would absolutely want her to know the content of those messages to ensure she had full clarity on the sort of person he was before marrying him.

The comment about your sister is degrading and humiliating. Is this really somebody you'd want to raise a daughter with?

Mumofone52 · 04/04/2025 20:32

crumblingschools · 04/04/2025 20:27

@Mumofone52 it really does make him a misogynist.

A misogynist is someone who hates women. Saying I wouldn’t shag her is not hating women. Come on.

Reddog1 · 04/04/2025 20:30

PollyJH · 04/04/2025 20:21

My friend is pissing me off - she sent me another photo earlier which she said she ‘forgot’ to send originally (which I don’t buy). I snapped a bit and asked if that’s it or she has more saved up and she said yes that’s it.

This one, another partner asks my DP ‘is PollyJH’s sister going to be a bridesmaid at the wedding’. His reply said ‘Yes. And before one of you dirty buggers say it, I hope the dresses will be tight and low cut too 😂😂’

That one has hurt me a bit, I can’t lie. My friend has again sworn me to secrecy but said she couldn’t keep it to herself.

This has to be the last straw, surely? Imagine family events when you know he has the hots for your sister, and social events with your friend. You’ll always feel a bit on edge.

crumblingschools · 04/04/2025 20:27

@Mumofone52 it really does make him a misogynist.

Mumofone52 · 04/04/2025 20:25

Men say stupid and immature things to impressive their friends / make them laugh. Joking about women’s bodies doesn’t make him an actual misogynist. It’s very easy for people to say ‘dump him, he’s awful’ when they’re not the ones who love that person / lives with them etc.

Only you can decide what to do, but don’t rush into making a big decision.

Nosleepforthismum · 04/04/2025 20:21

Well my friends and I grew out of that sort of behaviour at around 13. We have plenty of banter now but we don’t slag off men or women or treat them as objects. I’d be appalled if my DH ever spoke about women in that way and I’d confront him immediately to watch him squirm. I’d ask if he’d find it acceptable if they were discussing his sisters or daughter.

Original poster
PollyJH · 04/04/2025 20:21

My friend is pissing me off - she sent me another photo earlier which she said she ‘forgot’ to send originally (which I don’t buy). I snapped a bit and asked if that’s it or she has more saved up and she said yes that’s it.

This one, another partner asks my DP ‘is PollyJH’s sister going to be a bridesmaid at the wedding’. His reply said ‘Yes. And before one of you dirty buggers say it, I hope the dresses will be tight and low cut too 😂😂’

That one has hurt me a bit, I can’t lie. My friend has again sworn me to secrecy but said she couldn’t keep it to herself.

OP posts:
StrawberryDream24 · 04/04/2025 20:06

Group chats are a cesspit, including mine with my friends.

That would be a reflection of you and your friends.

Just like this is a reflection of him and his friends.

ConstanceFT · 04/04/2025 20:05

Crushed23 · 04/04/2025 19:54

I can relate to this. I’m dating a guy who has a sleazebag friend who keeps sending him screenshots of the instagram pages and dating profiles of women who he’s chasing, along with crude comments. It’s disgusting and inappropriate, and when I confronted my guy about it he downplayed it and said his friend is looking for a girlfriend and just wants advice/opinions. That’s a bollocks excuse of course, but I don’t feel like I can push it further as these are private conversations among friends. It’s naive to think men don’t discuss women in crude ways, but it’s also not a comfortable thought at all. You have my sympathy.

You do realise you don’t have to accept this behaviour. My ex also used the excuse of my friend if sending me the pic etc, what can I do? It is a ridiculous excuse and if they accept that behaviour; they are also encouraging that behaviour.

StrawberryDream24 · 04/04/2025 20:04

sandyhappypeople · 04/04/2025 20:02

But then she's asked her not to say anything to him. So the theory that she is telling OP about it for her own good is blown out of the water.. she's just a stirrer if you ask me.

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The two are not mutually exclusive.

Kinda obvious.

StrawberryDream24 · 04/04/2025 20:02

PopeJoan2 · 04/04/2025 19:57

I wish my life was as black and white as yours but it isn’t it’s complex. Sometimes the ethical thing to do is to keep your mouth shut.

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How is that ethical?

What about if the op gets hurt, shat on, betrayed etc. by him in future ...... You knew what he was like. You let that happen.

That's not ethical.

sandyhappypeople · 04/04/2025 20:02

em2001ily · 04/04/2025 19:52

Or she just wanted OP to know what her DP is really like? I'd want to know if I was her!

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But then she's asked her not to say anything to him. So the theory that she is telling OP about it for her own good is blown out of the water.. she's just a stirrer if you ask me.

StrawberryDream24 · 04/04/2025 20:00

*It’s naive to think men don’t discuss women in crude ways"

Men are not a homogeneous borg-like group of clones.

I know men who comment on women's bodies and looks, unprompted and big themselves up with their mates by being derogatory towards women.

I know men who don't.

SeaShellsSanctuary1 · 04/04/2025 20:00

PollyJH · 04/04/2025 18:21

He leaves it on the side when he showers, so I might use that as an opportunity to look and then I have a way of approaching the subject without dropping my friend in it.

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Or you could just be truthful and your 'fried'' who deliberately threw the grenade can also face the consequences

em2001ily · 04/04/2025 20:00

PopeJoan2 · 04/04/2025 19:57

I wish my life was as black and white as yours but it isn’t it’s complex. Sometimes the ethical thing to do is to keep your mouth shut.

Edited
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Look it's just preference. You might be happy to not know whatever a partner might say in a private group chat. Other women absolutely would want to know if it's anything sleazy, whether or not you think they should know or not. Close friends know what their other friends would want.

I'd be grateful if a friend found some dirt on my partner and then let me know.