DP’s messages in group chat - do I confront him?

Perhaps because she is upset her friend doesn’t realise who her partner really is. Goodness, the good time girl mentality here is shocking.

Good luck! Sorry you’re having to deal with this ridiculous juvenile behaviour.

I do think shopping is wrong and have said things about men to my friends I wouldn't want mu husband to hear...jokes banter etc

But comments about friends and siblings.

No !

I think there is no going back now. This will eat you up if you don't confront him

It may wrll lead to other trouble but given the comment about your sister (completely unforgiveable ) ..I just think you have to show him.

It's awfyl op when you had no idea but this would be the end of the relationship for me.

Just run.
You are not even married with kids and he is flirting around.
It will get worse.

For goodness sake. Don't do any ridiculous snooping yourself.

You've seen what you've seen and you don't like it so you need to speak to him. If you can't speak to your partner about stuff like this then it's not a very strong relationship.

I worked in engineering for years and was one of the few females. Blokes often said things like this but it was rarely meant in a malicious way. A very testosterone sort of way of talking. They were mostly actually lovely, very loyal to their girlfriends and often forgot i was there and listening! The women and the bitching they did was just as bad.

I'm quite impressed you've never in your life had a conversation where you've said something about someone's looks.

Who cares if your friend gets in trouble?? If she's having to snoop and look for things on a phone then clearly her relationship is over.

Just speak to your partner and discuss the way it made you feel.

It’s not just saying he finds someone attractive though is it. Saying a woman must be a shit shag because she’s good looking and single is just vile. It really is just reducing women to sex toys. And I also think it crosses the line when he was discussing the boobs of his partner’s sister. However you may have different comfort levels in a relationship, which is fine. Clearly it bothers the OP.

Dont snap at the messenger FFS! He is the dirty little scrote making lewd comments about your sister- absolutely vile. Your friend should be thanked, not had go at.

If you carry on this "relationship" knowing what you do, then more fool you.

Would these be grounds for divorce too?

Well that would be up to you!

Where's the line though? What's the difference between privately thinking "ooh she has great boobs" and messaging a friend in a supposedly private conversation saying "ooh she has great boobs"? Either way, he found another woman attractive - what difference does it matter if he puts it down in writing or not?

I've had private conversations with my own friends about DH being shit for not taking out the rubbish/being crap at wallpapering and perving on certain celebrities/school Dads we fancy. Would these be grounds for divorce too?

You're mad at your friend? I'd be thanking her for showing you what he's really like!!!

Ouch. Your friend shouldn’t have put you in this position. I’m afraid I would struggle not to say something.

It’s sickening to me that a man who seemingly shows no red flags for this kind of behaviour could talk like this about women. Is it some kind of male bonding ritual?

After your recent update I'd be packing his bags.
I wouldn’t have liked the way he was talking about your friends and wouldn’t have made an excuse to go through his phone. I would have told him I know he's a swamp pig and would at the point been reconsidering the marriage.
Men with views like these rarely change, and the need to hide the views once married become redundant, because he has you. In 10 years and 3 kids times you would be here asking WTF? How do I leave?

I hope you find a peaceful solution for yourself 🏵

(Your friend is a shit stirrer BTW, likely because she's unhappy. But, you wouldn't know your P was letching on your sister without her)

Now you know, you can’t unknow. I don’t think you can leave it - I couldn’t - it will always be on your mind. Now you know what he really thinks about women, and how he talks about friends of yours when you are not around. Yuck.

The comment about your sister just isn't acceptable at any level. Ick.

But your friend is also taking your relationship down with hers ... deliberately it looks like.

Neither relationship may come back from this.

but I would be naive to assume he's never found other women attractive in ten years of marriage

There's a difference between finding attractive & feeling it necessary to comment crudely though-especially when it's people you know!

I’d just confront him and say you were curious what they talk about. Because for me it would be over. I genuinely wouldn’t want to be with a man like that unless he agreed to get counselling to resolve his issues. I refuse to accept “all men are like that annd it’s just banter”. It’s just disgusting. Even your sister! Sicko 🤢

Good thing she didn’t scroll back too far, guarantee your body/attributes/fuckability will have been picked apart by him and his mates.

@diddl but maybe OP can say ‘I thought you would like a low cut one’ when he gives a different opinion and see his reaction

You know men who claim they don't. Unless you're policing every single conversation they have you have no idea. Often it's the ones who bleat loudly and publicly about feminism and equal rights who are the worst offenders behind closed doors.

I've never snooped through DH's phone found any inappropriate messages in DH's phone, and he's very mild mannered, but I would be naive to assume he's never found other women attractive in ten years of marriage. I'm sure he's had inappropriate thoughts, possibly even about some of my friends, and maybe even vocalised them to his own friends at some point. Ridiculous to assume otherwise.

Your friend is a shit stirrer OP.

What do you think he'll say "one that shows off your sister's great tits please"?

This would be a deal breaker for me. Can you find an excuse to look at his phone and get the evidence from there so that you don’t drop your friend in it?

I would 1000% be saying something. I don’t think it’s dropping your friend in it, if you are going to snoop, you have to own the consequences. (Not that I think she’s wrong for snooping). Do you even need to say it’s her?