Page 16 | DP’s messages in group chat - do I confront him?

PollyJH · 2025-04-04T15:46:44+00:00

Feeling a bit upset/unsure what to do currently. I have a close friend who is going through a rough time with her partner (pretty much on brink of splitting up). He, my DP and a couple of other friends’ partners have become matey over the years and are in a group chat together. Here’s the issue. My friend has had recent suspicions that her partner is ‘playing away’, and at the suggestion of another friend, went through his phone. He was on a work call whilst it was charging in another room, so no risk of him walking in. She didn’t find any evidence of him messaging other women, but did go through recent messages in the group chat I mentioned above. She took photos of different exchanges and sent them to me. These involve my DP using some really inappropriate terms when discussing other women, including members of our wider friend group - two in particular that are single. We met up as a group last weekend which is likely why it was a recent discussion. One of the two, he said he ‘wouldn’t ride her into battle’ and the other one, he said (quoted exactly) ‘she must be a shit shag because I’ve never known anyone with a body like that to be single for that long’ followed by laughing emoji’s. I’ve literally found this out this afternoon and DP is not back from work yet. Do I say anything? It will possibly give away that my friend has been snooping on her partner and I don’t want to cause any issues for her. But at the same time, i’m really upset about how my DP described my two friends.

IkeaJesusChrist · 04/04/2025 22:29

I'd dump the man child.

cheddercherry · 04/04/2025 22:26

It’s probably not that group chat he’s most worried about on his phone. Don’t be surprised if he now takes his phone everywhere with him.

Also “I’ll never know… I’ll have to put up and shut up” - is the bar just on the floor? Who wants a relationship that’s just one of you without an ounce of respect and the other one with zero trust and their hands over their eyes shouting lalalala?

Unthinkablebuttrue · 04/04/2025 22:26

Yep, I think you deserve to have a decent bloke by your side, tbh. I had a mediocre one by mine for a while, and it really wore me down after a while. Especially once kids come into the mix. Ask yourself: will he he a good role model for my kids? And, will I be happy if my sons copy him?

nachoaverageusername · 04/04/2025 22:23

I wouldn’t want to be with a man that viewed women like this. Constantly looking at how attractive my mates or family are, and then feeling emboldened to comment on it. He sounds like a prick. Not all men are like this, there are plenty that don’t do this.

Thegreyhound · 04/04/2025 22:21

PollyJH · 04/04/2025 22:18

I’ve spoken to DP. Took the approach of saying I am aware of him making inappropriate comments in a group chat and asking what he has to say for himself. He initially denied any knowledge and then I explained what I’d seen and his face dropped.

He told me the bridesmaid comment was out of context and not made about my sister at all, but more generally he was pre empting crude comments from his friends so wanted to shut it down with a bit of ‘humour’ before they started getting on at him. He said he sees my sister as his own family and is horrified it came across in that way.

He said he can’t defend the comments about my friends and apologises for making them. I asked why he thinks that’s an acceptable way to describe women and all he could offer was that he was showing off and didn’t mean what he said.

I asked if I looked through the group chat would I find similar comments and he said no (unconvincingly). I said ‘give me your phone then so I can see’ and he said no, and that if I don’t trust him I should leave him.

He then asked how I knew what was said and who’d ‘grassed’, which I shut down and went upstairs to leave him watching tv by himself.

I don’t think that’s everything but I’m never going to know am I, so need to put up or shut up really

You don’t have to put up or shut up. You could leave him and find a man who isn’t twelve

Original poster

PollyJH · 04/04/2025 22:18

I’ve spoken to DP. Took the approach of saying I am aware of him making inappropriate comments in a group chat and asking what he has to say for himself. He initially denied any knowledge and then I explained what I’d seen and his face dropped.

He told me the bridesmaid comment was out of context and not made about my sister at all, but more generally he was pre empting crude comments from his friends so wanted to shut it down with a bit of ‘humour’ before they started getting on at him. He said he sees my sister as his own family and is horrified it came across in that way.

He said he can’t defend the comments about my friends and apologises for making them. I asked why he thinks that’s an acceptable way to describe women and all he could offer was that he was showing off and didn’t mean what he said.

I asked if I looked through the group chat would I find similar comments and he said no (unconvincingly). I said ‘give me your phone then so I can see’ and he said no, and that if I don’t trust him I should leave him.

He then asked how I knew what was said and who’d ‘grassed’, which I shut down and went upstairs to leave him watching tv by himself.

I don’t think that’s everything but I’m never going to know am I, so need to put up or shut up really

OP posts:

StartAnew · 04/04/2025 22:18

namechangetheworld · 04/04/2025 22:08

"I hate that kind of talk."

"Good thing I wasn't talking like that around you then. How I speak in private with my friends is absolutely none of your concern."

I'm sure DH wouldn't like me moaning to my friends that he's shit at loading the dishwasher, or that he bought me a rubbish Mother's Day present. But funnily enough, it's absolutely none of his business.

Policing other people's private thoughts and conversations is very dangerous territory.

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Personally, if I discovered that my partner talked about women in this way, he would not be the man I think he is. I couldn't just ignore it. Maybe you could ignore it, or maybe it just would not bother you.

Unthinkablebuttrue · 04/04/2025 22:16

I think this could be one of other possible red flags you sense about your DP. Really be honest with yourself: Do you feel understood, unconditionally? Does he have your back? Does he believe in you? Does he give you the benefit of the doubt? Do not ignoring these things. I did, and learned the hard way. (And still wonder if the alternative exists tbh).

CalmTheFuckDownMargaret · 04/04/2025 22:14

The screen grabs are from someone else’s phone so will have identifiers - it’s always clear when it’s not your own phone - network provider icons, dark mode setting, background colours etc etc. So, this means you can show them to him and tell him you were sent them anonymously. Just don’t let him save them in his own device or he’ll be able to see who in the chat recognises the layout of the screen grabs. But yes, he’s perving over your friend and sister to other blokes. The height of disrespect.

Thegreyhound · 04/04/2025 22:11

So many responses here just make me despair regarding internalised misogyny and all this cool girl/ boys will be boys shite
The chat is revolting
The men on it who are not calling it out have no respect for women
Misogyny is not ‘banter’, it kills.

namechangetheworld · 04/04/2025 22:08

StartAnew · 04/04/2025 21:54

I would say something like: Look, I've got something to tell you which is really hard for me say. Laura has been looking through John's phone and read some messages on his Whatsapp group. I know, she shouldn't have snooped, but she did, and she was upset about the way John talks about our women friends. And then she sent me a copy of the chat, and I read it, and some of the things you said... they really shocked me. Talking about our friends as 'rides'. Saying they are single because they are bad at sex. I hate that kind of talk.'
Then I'd wait to say how he responded. There might be some knee-jerk defensiveness at first hopefully followed by a proper conversation. If he seemed genuinely ashamed and was able to understand how disrespectful he's been, I'd see some hope for the future.

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"I hate that kind of talk."

"Good thing I wasn't talking like that around you then. How I speak in private with my friends is absolutely none of your concern."

I'm sure DH wouldn't like me moaning to my friends that he's shit at loading the dishwasher, or that he bought me a rubbish Mother's Day present. But funnily enough, it's absolutely none of his business.

Policing other people's private thoughts and conversations is very dangerous territory.

GreenIsMyFavoriteColour · 04/04/2025 22:01

PollyJH · 04/04/2025 17:08

4 years, engaged and hoping to have kids in the future (post wedding).

He has never made comments of this nature around me before.

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You obviously think what he said is serious so you need to get out. Leave him now before it's too late.

Don't mention the messages to him, what would be the point?

StartAnew · 04/04/2025 21:54

katepilar · 04/04/2025 21:47

I would like to ask those of you who say would confront their partners about it, how would you phrase it and how would you expect your partner to react? I just cant imagine the conversation. Thanks.

I would say something like: Look, I've got something to tell you which is really hard for me say. Laura has been looking through John's phone and read some messages on his Whatsapp group. I know, she shouldn't have snooped, but she did, and she was upset about the way John talks about our women friends. And then she sent me a copy of the chat, and I read it, and some of the things you said... they really shocked me. Talking about our friends as 'rides'. Saying they are single because they are bad at sex. I hate that kind of talk.'
Then I'd wait to say how he responded. There might be some knee-jerk defensiveness at first hopefully followed by a proper conversation. If he seemed genuinely ashamed and was able to understand how disrespectful he's been, I'd see some hope for the future.

justasking111 · 04/04/2025 21:50

MesmerisingMuon · 04/04/2025 21:14

For goodness sake. Don't do any ridiculous snooping yourself.

You've seen what you've seen and you don't like it so you need to speak to him. If you can't speak to your partner about stuff like this then it's not a very strong relationship.

I worked in engineering for years and was one of the few females. Blokes often said things like this but it was rarely meant in a malicious way. A very testosterone sort of way of talking. They were mostly actually lovely, very loyal to their girlfriends and often forgot i was there and listening! The women and the bitching they did was just as bad.

I'm quite impressed you've never in your life had a conversation where you've said something about someone's looks.

Who cares if your friend gets in trouble?? If she's having to snoop and look for things on a phone then clearly her relationship is over.

Just speak to your partner and discuss the way it made you feel.

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I worked in a male driven industry, construction, and agree with you. Had to close my ears to some of the banter which was never malicious.

Iceandfire92 · 04/04/2025 21:48

I think you should protect your friend and say to your partner that you were snooping on his phone and saw the conversation with your own eyes.

katepilar · 04/04/2025 21:47

I would like to ask those of you who say would confront their partners about it, how would you phrase it and how would you expect your partner to react? I just cant imagine the conversation. Thanks.

justasking111 · 04/04/2025 21:46

I wonder how many other women she has contacted with their partners chit chat?

Fancycheese · 04/04/2025 21:44

StartAnew · 04/04/2025 21:43

You can't know why your friend did it, but whatever her motivation, she's made trouble between you and your partner. You know now how he talks about other women when he's with his mates, and it's really off-putting, and you can't not know it now.
In your position I think I would tell DP that you've seen these messages, and how it made you feel. If you don't then it will be an unpleasant secret you are keeping from him. Quite likely he won't tell anyone else that your friend snooped, but if he does, your friend will have to deal with the falloutt.

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I agree with this. She sent you the images of the conversation and now she’ll have to deal with the consequences. I don’t think she can reasonably expect you not to raise it.

justasking111 · 04/04/2025 21:44

PollyJH · 04/04/2025 21:13

I am going to tell him I know about the messages. I won’t tell him how, and if that’s what he wants to focus on, then that will tell me a lot.

He can’t deny it give I have actual proof! And he doesn’t know whether I’ve got more.

Don't, just don't!!!

She shouldn't have shared with you. Put it out of your mind.

I'd be furious if my husband snooped on my WhatsApp.

Her problems are not yours.

StartAnew · 04/04/2025 21:43

PollyJH · 04/04/2025 17:44

I am partly wondering if my friend sent me these so she feels better about her own relationship- in that she doesn’t want to be the only one with issues?

You can't know why your friend did it, but whatever her motivation, she's made trouble between you and your partner. You know now how he talks about other women when he's with his mates, and it's really off-putting, and you can't not know it now.
In your position I think I would tell DP that you've seen these messages, and how it made you feel. If you don't then it will be an unpleasant secret you are keeping from him. Quite likely he won't tell anyone else that your friend snooped, but if he does, your friend will have to deal with the falloutt.

Fancycheese · 04/04/2025 21:42

namechangetheworld · 04/04/2025 21:24

Oh come on. Have you never made a private comment about some horrible bloke probably having a small dick? Or about secretly thinking your kid's teacher is good looking? I have, and definitely don't view men as sex toys.

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Of course I’ve made a comment about a horrible bloke having a small dick. That’s not making him out to be a sex object is it? I’m not lusting after his penis. It’s making the link between men with huge egos having to compensate for something! I’m not reducing him to a sex object.

It’s different to me texting a friend to say that a mutual friend of ours must be a shit shag because he’s single and really hot. Or texting someone to say I hope my DP’s brother wears tight fitting trousers to a wedding! At least, I think it is different and it would cross the line for me in a relationship. Of course, you’re free to think differently.

Imbusytodaysorry · 04/04/2025 21:37

Reddog1 · 04/04/2025 20:30

This has to be the last straw, surely? Imagine family events when you know he has the hots for your sister, and social events with your friend. You’ll always feel a bit on edge.

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Agree! Friends are family are just a No go zone.
Op needs to take a decision seriously .
I have a feeling she will realise
too late .

RealEagle · 04/04/2025 21:28

He don’t play football aswell dos he ?

namechangetheworld · 04/04/2025 21:24

Fancycheese · 04/04/2025 21:12

It’s not just saying he finds someone attractive though is it. Saying a woman must be a shit shag because she’s good looking and single is just vile. It really is just reducing women to sex toys. And I also think it crosses the line when he was discussing the boobs of his partner’s sister. However you may have different comfort levels in a relationship, which is fine. Clearly it bothers the OP.

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Oh come on. Have you never made a private comment about some horrible bloke probably having a small dick? Or about secretly thinking your kid's teacher is good looking? I have, and definitely don't view men as sex toys.

Ohnobackagain · 04/04/2025 21:23

@PollyJH your ‘friend’ is setting you up to break up the group. You will get all the flack and she is the one who snooped. I would make it clear someone has told you your DP says awful things and so ‘can he please show you the group chat to set your mind at rest’ or something. Although I’d probably just dump him.