DP’s messages in group chat - do I confront him?

You don't want to marry or have kids with a man like this surely? He sounds like a real slimeball. I'm sure if the wedding goes ahead your sister will look forward to him perving over her tits. What a catch!

It would be a very odd brother who would make a joke like that about his sister

I have heard women talk like this about men many times. We do seem to have a double standard at times to be fair. It's not ok coming from a man or a woman really ...

@Skippydoodle would you be happy if someone said something similar about an adult child of yours

He preempted his friends making lewd, crude sexual comments about your sister by making lewd, crude comments about her himself?

Really? You buy that?

He wouldn't let you look at his phone to see those chats.

Is this going to be going through your mind when you're walking up the aisle that he's checking out your sister?

Think on this one hard. This guy just basically told you his talking crudely about your family and friends to his friends isn't going to stop. 😓
🤮

Marriages don’t fail because people are too easily offended. I’m glad you and your DH are happy.

YANBU but I do feel your DP is just being immature, not being particularly awful. He's suffering from real or imagined peer pressure, that's all. I don't think it's anything to get too upset about! (How old are you both, anyway?)

I agree

Dear God. This isn’t about being perfect. Nobody expects perfection in a partner. I do expect my partner not to be sending sexually suggestive and crude messages about my mates and sister to his friends. Many people on here apparently think similarly. And yes, I would have absolutely no qualms about my DP seeing my phone. He would be deeply bored 😂

Your friend was wrong to snoop and wrong to send you the screen shots

It's silly banter between friends
Leave it

Well OP I think you did the right thing and I think in the context of those awful comments your DP gave an honest enough explanation as could be expected. If he had gotten defensive or nasty or said you were being uptight about jokes, that would be a red flag for me.
I think it’s been a scare for you and I would proceed with caution but he needs to understand any more showing off would have consequences — as what if this group ends up egging each other on stag nights or boys’ trips etc when even worse things could happen .

But isn’t that because you and your husband are doing it in front of each other, openly, both in on the humour? Surely the key difference is the OP has never seen this side to him, he doesn’t act this way with her and he’s making comments about women close to her behind her back. It’s an entirely different scenario.

Op, i would just sit on this for a few days. Consider staying somewhere else, or asking him to. If he decides that he’d rather end the relationship now than properly address this, then you don’t want to stay with him. You don’t have to say anything right now, take some time. He may have lashed out and be trying to work out if he can get away with an an ultimatum rather than facing his behaviour.

I wouldn't be handing over my phone either.

All the perfect women on Mumsnet would they be happy for their partners to read ALL the posts they make?

I think most men or women would have an issue with their partner making sexually explicit comments about having sex with their sibling.

Also it’s beyond one private conversation, he dropped himself in it there it’s all the stuff incriminating enough for him to throw a strop of basically tell her to end the entire relationship rather than have a conversation with her about what else is on his phone.

I’m sorry - that’s not normal. You say to you husband that you wouldn’t ride another man into battle or that his good looking friend must be rubbish at sex as he’s still single. I highly doubt it.

My H & I say stuff like this to each other (about men & women) all the time. It’s playful, it’s humour. No wonder so many marriages fail, people take things far too seriously and are so easily offended. Sheesh!

"I couldn't be in a relationship with someone who talks about women in such a disgusting way."

Exactly

I said ‘give me your phone then so I can see’ and he said no, and that if I don’t trust him I should leave him.

Well there you go. He’s willing to torch the relationship rather than hand over his phone, which means that he knows his phone has relationship-ending material on it anyway.

Men that threaten the relationship this easily are untrustworthy and worth nothing.

He’s having what he thought was a private chat with a mate. Have none of you ever said inappropriate things to a girl friend in jest (knowing it was just bawdy humour between the two of you)? Get a bit of perspective.

Urgh how can you ever want to shag him again.

You can do better than this pathetic immature sexist pig.

hes saying he’s easily led and influenced - imagine him on stag weekends and lads trips away.

Exactly this.

If you don't leave then in the future whenever you disagree he will say "if you don't trust me leave me?" Because he knows you won't

See this is why the 'its not all men' and 'its just banter' group get so much stick.

He says it's to humour his friends and it might be
.. at best.. worst case scenario this is what he thinks about a women. Either way he has written it and thought it.

This is why the "not all men" brigade need to start calling this behaviour out in their friends group.

I used to have an ex like this. Couldn't get past his comments. One night we were at a bar with his friends who I had met only once before. A girl walked by and his friend said " cor she would get it" friend 2 said "you'd have no chance" and friend 1 said " she wouldn't have a choice". Que laughing from all of them and my ex. My jaw hit the floor and I said to them all " so your just openly admitting you would rape her then?". They were stunned.

This sort of this really is part of a bigger problem and quite frankly I would not consider living with someone who spoke/thought like that about women.
Would he be ok with his mates talking about you like that? Or his sister? Or daughter?

Also did he really just jump to “if you don’t trust me leave me” - he’s not going to put up a fight for you for even ONE night? He’s actually just laid that on the table. That’s pretty telling isn’t it?

This.

It's so simple. No kids, no marriage. Just walk away.

I'm not even sure why the need to tell him, he was unlikely to take it as seriously as the OP.