DP’s messages in group chat - do I confront him?

This. There is worse than the chat.

@PollyJH, his lame explanation that his sordid ‘tight, low cut dress’ comment was not about your sister is hogwash. He is absolutely lusting over her, and his mates (and yours) know that. In addition, his horrid remarks about your two friends verify that he views women as objects/body parts to be rated as fuckable or not.

There are clearly some terrible things on his phone which would devastate you, but he succeeded in manipulating you to back off. He will certainly have sanitized it by now.

Stay with this slimy, untrustworthy pig at your own peril, @PollyJH. Personally, I would walk away now. You’ve been blessed with evidence of (1) his misogynistic view of women and need to please his pack (2) his perving over your sister (3) his blocking transparency of his phone, which he wouldn’t have done had there been nothing incriminating on it and (4) his shutting you down by turning the tables.

You’d be very foolish to put your future in his hands.

I’ll repeat the same advice: now you know how he talks about women and that he doesn’t really respect women. You know who he is now. One day he will talk about you like that, maybe he already is and that is why he won’t show you his phone. That is not loving behaviour and I think you already know that, although I can understand it is difficult to accept when you love him for who you thought he was.

I agree, but for the OP it's a big issue. Fortunately there are no children, no marriage, nothing to stop her walking away, no questions asked.

By MN standards this is a simple one - walk away. Staying with someone who's standards are dramatically different Is going to make them both miserable.

Eww. I wouldn’t have children with a man like that. Not all men are.

Bringing up a son to think that’s OK. Condoning men speaking about his daughter like that.

He’s not only horribly sexist and disrespectful to your sister and friends, he sounds like a prize idiot. Why put stuff about your sister and friends in a group chat with your friends’ DPs? Very likely to get back to you. Which it has.

Don’t blame your friend. She was put into a dilemma by his actions and IMHO did the right thing telling you. And if your friend suspects her DP of cheating, could your DP have joined in with that too? To “show off”? How weak.

No rush if you cohabit, but I’d be planning to leave. And couldn’t shag him anymore. I’d be imagining he’s thinking of my sister.

So you're frightened of causing trouble and are thinking that you should let your boyfriend get away with being a sleazy creepy arsehole?

Doesn't bode well for any future plans. Four years is a looooooonnnggg time to be with someone without making proper future plans.

Maybe he's keeping you to cook, clean and have sex with while sizing up what's available out there.

He's called your bluff.....so now you've got to either trust him or leave.

He doesn't believe for one second that you'll leave but feels that he will always have tbat 'see you don't trust me' card to play

If he was innocent he would have given you his phone. That he said no, tells you everything. Even if he gives you his phone now, he's had time to delete things.

Sorry, OP, I think you should leave him. I would. He talks like that about women, hinted that there are still other bad messages in the group chat, was thinking about how your sister looked in a tight cleavage showing dress, and is hiding his phone.

You can't trust him. I'd take him at his word and leave him. Don't reward his behaviour by staying, he will now that he can now get away with it and you will put up with it.

Well didn't he show his true colours.
Very suspicious he didn't want you to look at his phone.
He doesn't sound like he has respect for women at all.
He is definitely a contender for married man who didn't mean to cheat in about 5 years time . Unless he suddenly starts seeing women as something other then just sex objects that deserve no respect.
But his friends all sound very similar

You are being unreasonable for being with a man who thinks it's ok to say stuff like that - even worse put it in writing - and grease and slease on other women. Surely you knew he was a creepy, rude bastard before this?

Every single person will at some point have made a comment about someone else which could be deemed to be offensive.

It’s absolutely not exclusive to men to make derogatory comments about people of the opposite sex.

You only have to look at some of the comments on here about certain celebrities and why so many women wouldn’t want to shag them. And I agree with them, but those comments could equally be seen as relationship breakers in certain circles. But we justify it because “men do it all the time,”.

As for demanding he hand over his phone, and the posters saying that if he doesn’t he’s responsible and guilty, nobody should feel blackmailed into handing over their phone. My partner is completely free to look at my phone should he so wish, but if he started demanding to do so I would tell him to fuck off.

And your friend is a shit stirrer.

Oh dear @PollyJH - you will never be able to get those messages out of your head for the rest of your time with him. You will always have doubt and always wonder what other messages he has sent/will send.
How will you feel on your wedding day with your sister there?

What was the banter often about? Who has "great tits"?

There's no way this will be the only way he reveals his misogyny. No way.

You'll have overlooked it previously. You can see how many women are ignoring it even now in their responses, and insisting it's the same as moaning about how your DH loads the dishwasher. It is not, unless you choose to be blind to this stuff.

Don't be blind.

Now you know who he is op. It’s whether you see a future with such a man? Reading that would kill my feelings stone dead. Such contempt and disrespect for women will be just underneath the surface. I personally couldn’t and wouldn’t stand for it.

Absolutely this.

He’d rather risk you binning the whole relationship than let you see what’s on his phone so very clearly there’s worse that hasn’t yet come out.

This would be game over for me. I’d be annoyed at the comments but I wouldn’t end a relationship over stupid lads’ chat. The refusal to hand over his phone though? That’s a much bigger problem and not something you should brush off.

If you believe that excuse about your sister, then you’re an idiot…it doesn’t even make any sense…he ABSOLUTELY meant what he said. Your fiancé thinks of women & speaks of women like a misogynistic prick OR he is a snivelling little worm who thinks talking like that to other men makes him look big and clever. That is who he is. He just hides that part of him from you. The decision is now up to you whether or not it is a big enough deal for you to be done with him or not & what it would take for him to change if you decide to stay & work on it. Just as he sounds like he still has to own what he has done, he is currently still making excuses like a school boy, I get the impression that you too need to own what has happened & stop trying to make excuses for him, you are even looking to lay some blame at the feet of your friend who found the messages. She is a friend, who found abhorrent messages from your fiancé, some of which were about your own sister. She has done you a favour. Come on now. It’s time to open your eyes & see him for the man he really is.

I agree with this. It will just create trust issues in your own relationship. Yes it's pretty shit comments but that is unfortunately how men often talk when women aren't around.

The old banter excuse, that’s what boys say when they get pulled up on saying things like this at girls in school. But according to many of you on here that is fine. I guess you are the mums of such boys

This. It speaks volumes! He cares more about his bants than your feelings. What are you going to do OP?

The fact that he's asking who's 'grassed' is significant. He wants to blame someone else. It doesn't actually matter who told you, the crux of the matter is he shouldn't have been sending such messages. He's not sorry he did it: he's angry he was caught out.

Absolutely but then I'm not a sexist pig.

That doesn't make me perfect, it really isn't difficult to not make sexual comments about people. It's very basic.

It's a guys chat group. I think your friend was wrong to send those to you. Why on earth would she cause that kind of drama, she want you to be single with her?

Completely agree. When you work with 100’s of men over 30 years, most men say stuff they wouldn’t say at home !

he might be being genuine but the if you dont trust me leave thing wouldnt sit right