DP’s messages in group chat - do I confront him?

Yeah the problem is her.

Not the bloke anticipating sleazing over his partner's sister at a wedding.

Not the attached bloke talking about which of their female acquaintances he'd "ride" or not.

I would seriously worry about what a man who talks like this about women, including his partner's sister, and for whom is it so important to bond with other men by discussing women sexually ...would do on stag do's, lads holidays etc. etc.

People who think this is just talk and would never translate into behaviour/action - that's rarely true in my experience.

In the right circumstances "what happens in x, stays in x attitude, alcohol, coke, toxic male bonding etc etc - see what happens.

Except you won't see what happens because your friend won't have access to their messages and your partner will make very sure you can't see anything incriminating of his.

So he's a liar as well as an asshole. Nice.

I didn't even fully catch that the sister referred to is your own sister.

So - even if we were to believe all these delusional, low standarded posters that he doesn't really think or mean what he says (Bullshit) .....and it's "only" him showing off to & bonding with his mates by objectifying women, talking about women sexually .....

Your own sister, his potential sister in law, isn't even off limits for him!!!!!!

Zero respect there (for you, your sister, your family, women; and fod that matter himself).

I have met men who I have never seen or heard talk about women like this .... contrary to the posters on the thread I don't think ALL men habitually behave like this. He's lower quality than a good portion of them. Including his partner's close female relative in his behaviour is particularly low.

I doubly think your friend was right to tell you.

She probably didn't see it or didnt forward it at first - she was obviously in a big rush/stressed trying to review the messages and get them screenshot ted etc.

Or she was reluctant to show you the comment about your sister, but then thought she really should. Especially when you looked like you're putting up with the behaviour (and does she know he's reacted defiantly and offered you to look at his messages ....which she knew he'd probably clean out).

And for others on the group chat I daresay.

It is, alas, the nature of the male sex to display their base inclinations openly, yet we, as women, must not only accept but gracefully accommodate their faults and follies. It is our duty, as the gentler sex, to bear with patience their crudeness and indiscretions, for they are but the result of their more robust nature. A woman’s dignity lies in her quiet endurance of these vices.

After all, a woman who finds herself without the steady guidance and respectable presence of a gentleman is, alas, but a fragile creature adrift in a world that offers her little protection, and she risks falling prey to the whispers and judgements of society, which would deem her lacking in both virtue and proper regard.

Run for the hills OP. Do not marry a man who would make that comment about leering over your own sister on your wedding day.

Sorry I e accidentally posted twice.

And it is notoriously not how they really feel, they just talk like that together.

Delusional.

It's underpinned by how they feel.

He isn't making up that he judges the first woman unattractive and feels he wouldn't have sex with her.

He isn't making up that he's looked at the second woman's body and judges that there must be something wrong with her because men, including him, wouldn't easily dump a woman with that body.

He isn't making up that he fancies/thinks the sister has a good body and wants to see as much of it as possible.

None of that is not how he feels.

He absolutely thinks & feels all that.

As I said : delusional or wilfully naive.
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Women like you who are prepared to put up with it ‘because that’s just how men are’ are part of the reason why men carry on with disrespectful “banter”. We’re in 2025, it’s not ok now.

And it is notoriously not how they really feel, they just talk like that together.

Delusional.

It's underpinned by how they feel.

He isn't making up that he judges the first woman unattractive and feels he wouldn't have sex with her.

He isn't making up that he's looked at the second woman's body and judges that there must be something wrong with her because men, including him, wouldn't easily dump a woman with that body.

He isn't making up that he fancies)thinks the sister has a good body and wants to see as much of it as possible.

None of that is not how he feels.

He feels all hat.

As I said : delusional or wilfully naive.
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I think the main problem is with the language used.
If he said "she's not my type I wouldn't want to sleep with her" and "she's a lovely looking woman but is always single, i wonder if she's too timid in the bedroom and that puts men off" Then the story would be different

As long as he's nice to women in general I couldn't get to ate up about a few comments said to close friends in a group chat.

Men say stupid and immature things to impressive their friends / make them laugh

Not men.

A certain type of man.

Every single one of us on this thread will have - at some point in our lives - made a comment that we’d be ashamed to have made public. Not crude or sexist necessarily but something.

Your husband’s remarks are deeply offensive and they’d make me very uncomfortable. But it could be he was mindlessly playing to his audience, resorting to the kind of crude talk that he probably learned in school - without actually thinking about what he was saying, other than getting a laugh.

That doesn’t make it OK but it doesn’t automatically mean he actually holds those views. I’d want to talk to him and see what he has to say for himself. His first loyalty is to you and you could ask him to take it no further. If you can’t trust him to do that - well there’s your answer.

Your friend shared them with you, she can’t expect you to do nothing.

well I guess now it will all come out with your friend now and you may lose her for breaking her trust, and you only got predictable answers from your DP.

This was a LAD'S CHAT and he's told you the truth, they show off. This is MALE BANTER. And it is notoriously not how they really feel, they just talk like that together. I think it's called locker room humour. It's often satirised in films.

Your friend has wound you up but almost certainly to make you feel upset and insecure about your relationship.

I can see it was hard not to mention. But now imo you really should go to him and say ok sure I understand, you guys talk like idiots together so what.

And get over it. Or lose DP and is he a bad partner? Do you want to split up? He's given you a straight answer.

But if he's bad to you and you notice attitudes and comments that are awful and this just confirms it, well ok. Leave him.

He has shown you who he is. It doesn’t matter if he said those things to impress his friends or not. He said them . So now you know how he chooses to talk about women. It’s up to you if you want this in a partner or not. For me it would be the end though

The OP’s partner caused the issues, not the friend.

It will possibly give away that my friend has been snooping on her partner and I don’t want to cause any issues for her.

She had no problem causing issues for you though.

No kids. Not married.

Your friend has done you a huge favour. Pack and go.

Its honestly not worth entering a life long commitment of kids with this man.

Then he threw it back on you and said split if you don’t trust me. If there was nothing on his phone he could have said ‘here take a look’.

He will have cleaned up his phone overnight. He’ll offer to show you today. If he’s an idiot messages etc will show in deleted items. Google how to restore deleted messages for when he presents you with it.

I say leave, cry but then throw a party. Your friend has done you a huge favour. You don’t want this type of person as a life partner. If she held back that message maybe it was because that comment about your sister is grim. I would have shown you them too, not out of spite but because I would want you to know before you end up with kids.

Imagine the alternative. 8 years time, kids, he cheats and she says (or at least thinks while you are crying and wondering how you’ll afford the kids post divorce) ‘oh he used to write really disgusting things about your sister and Mary in the group chats, it’s no surprise he cheated. He was always going on about women’s bodies and if they were ones he’d fuck’.

I would have told you and risked you saying you won’t be my friend anymore. I have to be happy with my choices and I’d tell you. If your choice is to drop me as a friend, I’d be upset but my conscience would be clear. I wouldn’t hide it and keep you in the dark to keep our friendship.

It’s really disappointing how low the bar is for some of the women on this thread, they’re like the cool girls at school pretending they’re ok with being treated in a disrespectful manner by sub standard, grubby men, because they believe they get one over on other women by doing so.
No wonder misogyny is alive and flourishing if so many women accept such poor behaviour.

As for the OP, I wouldn’t want to be in her shoes, it’s a horrible situation, but I get the feeling she’s going to put up with it, which is obviously her right, and I genuinely hope he isn’t the disrespectful manchild he appears to be, but it’s not very likely.

Jasmine222 · Yesterday 18:53

And some people are really taking things out of context and making a big deal about nothing, so what that he commented some crude stuff... nobody was meant to see it.

And some people have clearly had their brains removed.

Completely agree, sadly it seems the OP is hanging around a sleazy creep, hoping she will finally win the pick me dance.

I asked if I looked through the group chat would I find similar comments and he said no (unconvincingly). I said ‘give me your phone then so I can see’ and he said no, and that if I don’t trust him I should leave him

That's him saying put up or shut up. I'd be telling him that everyone will be aware of what's been said soon, that they're all disgusting specimens.

The men in that chat are going to focus on who's told you and deleting stuff. There's going to be fallout from it anyway.

Doesn't bode well for any future plans. Four years is a looooooonnnggg time to be with someone without making proper future plans.

Lucky they didn't or it would be harder to get out once the OP realized she didn't like his attitude to women. The last thing this relationship needs is commitment. She's had a lucky escape.

He’s a misogynist pig. But what you’ve uncovered shows us something else… maybe they all are?