DP’s messages in group chat - do I confront him?

Why is your anger directed more at her than him? I'd be thanking her and ending the relationship with that disgusting man.

You're shooting the messenger here instead of facing up to what your bloke is. Careful. Your bloke obviously didn't give a toss about causing waves. He's going to deflect and project onto her now and you're going to fall for it.

Where do you get the jealousy? It's very clear she thinks he is cheating - and his reaction is screaming cheating to most of the rest of us in this thread.

If there was nothing to hide last night - he'd have let you see his phone before going to all his mates.

He did not.

Think on that.

just don’t think I can bring it up without causing a lot of trouble

Do you think he'd be reluctant to cause trouble if he saw messages like that from you about his friends/acquaintances/brother?

Yes, @PollyJH , it does not matter what her motivation is. The fact is, this is who he is. Don't try to let him off the hook by calling into question her motivation. Don't backslide.

rather than any time before given she’s going on as if this has been a longer term issue.

Maybe she didn't have anything in writing until she went into that group to see if she could find any evidence of her partner cheating.

If she'd told you what he was saying, or what the other guys said he was saying .... He could easily have twisted and minimised it. You could easily have been told it was exaggerated and misinterpreted. She didn't have anything irrefutable until she got to the point of looking in those chats.

It's easy to not tackle something that's bothersome/uncomfortable/not ideal - until you see stuff in black and white ...and very personal (a woman's sister).

She says she did me a favour so he can’t keep hiding what he’s like.

I think this is truthful.

I think she was in an extremely tricky, difficult situation re. revealing this and didn't want the entire group turning on her, understandably.

So she tried to tell you while also trying to get you not to reveal who informed you.

But you did reveal who informed you (?) and that now that appears to be happening, with the group kicking off and her targeted as to blame (like so many posters in this thread are blaming her for men's behaviour) .
So she's pissed off and frustrated. I don't think it's entirely unreasonable.

However it was unrealistic for her to expect this not to happen.

She was between a rock and a hard place and she was never going to reveal this stuff without it becoming known who had revealed it.

Jesus op. Talk about shoot the messenger. Sure, she has stirred the pot a bit. However, you’re about to marry a man who is a misogynist and talks about your own sister sexually - out of context - bullshit. More fool you. He’s told you who he is. He’s willing to throw his whole relationship away because of what’s in his phone. Raise your bar or be back here in a few years when you’ve lost all your friends and family and he’s cheated.

I’d want to know. She’s done you a huge favour.

You're a bit late, @Ilovecleaning , you obviously hadn't read the full thread or at least OP's posts. He now knows, and refuses to let her see his phone and is instead on a warpath to blame his mates partner/s.

Don’t say anything but spend some time stepping back and reassessing your partner before you go any further with this relationship. You may start noticing things you’d not noticed before. Definitely don’t show your hand by admitting you know about the texts.

So he's blaming mates partners, instead of looking at himself.

There's your answer, he has no remorse.

I think the friend is just afraid she's going to get into shit with her partner. That's all.

This. Don’t shoot the messenger, don’t feel so uncomfortable and exposed with her that you are mean to her, don’t conjure ulterior motives from her, be grateful she’s shared this info with you.

Yeah I think your friend knows or suspects a bit more and was trying to warn you off, especially if she knows you were planning to have a baby.

Remember OP - the friend is not the wrongun in this story.

She has probably seen worse and isn’t telling you. And your fiancé IS sleazy

I have never heard women talk about men like this.

Lots of posters, and apparently MN, thought it was trolling.

Personally I thought it was an odd one - because much of it seemed very real. But other aspects were odd. I'm not sure what the true setup was

🙄

Thing is OP every time an attractive young woman with a large chest joins his workplace or social circle, you’re going to be wondering if he’s thinking about her. As you get older, those uncomfortable thoughts will worsen and you’ll become paranoid. That’s no way to live. Honestly, throw this one back in the sea. There are better men out there.

The friend isn’t the problem

I'm sure DH wouldn't like me moaning to my friends that he's shit at loading the dishwasher, or that he bought me a rubbish Mother's Day present

Interesting analogy.

How come you didn't say;

"I'm sure my DH wouldn't like me talking to my mates about how I wouldn't fuck one of his male acquaintances cause he's too unattractive .....

..... that there must be something wrong with his other male acquaintance because "what woman would dump a man with a body like his"

...... that his brother will be acting as a best man; so yes, you certainly hope his brother will be wearing fitted trousers that show off that ass & keeps the jacket off as much as possible at the wedding so we can all appreciate the rest of him, wink wink"

How come you didn't make any comparisons that are remotely relevant or analogous to this situation?

Your dh, on becoming aware of that, would probably not "not like" you speaking like that.

He'd very likely be extremely angry, hurt, offended, disgusted, uncomfortable and probably think some things about your character and potential fidelity that would endanger your relationship.
He'd probably be very uncomfortable being around you and his brother, ongoing.

So - please do stop with the ridiculous, hugely minimising, utterly irrelevant analogies.

There was a similar thread recently, a 3- or 4-part thread, (it was deleted at the OP’s request). Again, group messages in blokes’ chat (I believe it was a local football team) revealed a lot to one of the wives. But I don’t know what she decided, it’s been taken offline.

And your friend is a shit stirrer.

Or she doesn't want her friend throwing herself away on a man like this.

Wonder why that is not a possibility in your interpretation of the situation..... Projection perhaps?

Anyway, there's certainly plenty of shit to "stir".

And that has absolutely nothing to do with the friend. That exists independent of the friend.

No wonder so many women are in crappy relationships with cretins, when you see some of the women posting on here.

It wasn’t OK 30-40 years ago, believe me.

Any woman with respect for herself and other women has never put up with that shit.