DP’s messages in group chat - do I confront him?

Not a double standard dear. Women have no more right to be misogynistic about men than men do about women. Men and women who treat their partners this way are disgusting and should be put in their places.

But he didn’t make comments around you - he did it with his mates. :( he is showing a side to him that is disrespectful to women.

im so sorry. putting aside someone shared private messages not theirs with you. this is the kind of misogynistic discussion that gets labeled as “banter”. Or “men will be men”. If this is the kind of chat that is shared on WhatsApp, what kind of chat is said in person. Whislt this may be seen as “just chat/ banter” it’s vilifying/ demeaning women, which not for all but statistically one in ten of those men would then take it further, being agrssive, calling at women in street. It’s for other men to call them out and stop it not just us women. Considering your pal shared this with you - I think you should tell your partner that she did so. And say you were shocked. This is a campaign GLA have - a bit cringe but makes the point. https://www.london.gov.uk/maaate

You've been clear that he can say whatever disgusting comments he likes and you'll forgive him if he buys chocolates and flowers. Those are the consequences of his actions. He won't change. Throw him back. He's done you a favour showing his true colours

Unless you've been through both threads, checked the names and views of the posters on each, and then compared the two threads, you can't possibly say if there are double standards or not.

I haven't seen the thread yet but my opinion would be the same as it is here, I wouldn't choose to be in a relationship with someone like that.

Possibly. Just seemed a glaringly double standard to me.

Or simply different people responding to different threads?

There’s a similar thread currently on MN started by an OP disgusted by similar conversations from women at a hen do. Talking intimately and, to put it mildly, disrespectfully, about their parters’ shortcomings and graphically describing what they would do to other men in their circle of friends. Most of the replies were telling her she was being unreasonable and it was ‘just harmless banter’.

Double standard anyone ?

You would seriously rather not know he is a misogynistic a hole that talks about women like that? Get a back bone. This should disgust you. Confront him

It is not fair to make light of this- this advice is often given to women on mumsnet who are suffering abuse and need to leave if not flee- and leaving an abusive situation is an extremely dangerous and vulnerable time for a woman. The advice is given in good faith and I’m sure has saved lives over the last twenty five years.

On another note, have a great wedding, watched on by all the men in the group chat and keeping a beady eye on your charmer at all times in case his looks are straying to your sister’s cleavage. 🤮

Maybe reflect on how you present yourself. Whether intentional or not, to an OP who is feeling vulnerable, your style can come across as bullying, even if your core message is good, as on this thread.

On a previous occasion, you were hectoring in the same style as you have on this thread to the extent that the OP private messaged me to thank me for listening to her and not berating her as she struggled to reach a decision. She left the thread and asked for it to be deleted because you were arguing with other posters and pursuing your own agenda. Net result being, despite being in a desperate situation where kindness and listening might have better helped her, she lost that support.

I started name changing more often after that experience and I have changed again this afternoon.

Sorry on my last post I meant to quote you

It's hope winning over experience I suppose.

I wish I'd listened to my dear old mum when she waved the flags at me. I've two lovely children so not all wasted and I learned to stop kissing frogs

@SouthLondonMum22

Yeh that's possibly hope winning over experience!

I wish I'd listened to my dear old mum when she waved the red flags at me.

(Though I would probably gone through my partner’s phone for more evidence before confronting him.

I have read your updates - I can see why you have taken the stance you have, especially with not much else to go on (and your friend was an idiot to object to you confronting your partner. It’s clearly something he does regularly (which is why he did not want you reading his phone) but if there is nothing else you be concerned over then I can see why you would just proceed as you were doing.

It’s not “what” it is “how”. I have never discussed men like this, no. Not as an adult.

I hope he does come good

I find this equally amusing.

You have a right to be upset. I would feel really grossed out. Not sure what to advise except to say I would be feeling disappointed in my partner too (also he seems very shallow).

So many men just seem to behave so badly when around each other.

I'd love to return the compliment, but unfortunately it's not possible.

That devastates me.

My Sunday roast was yummy by the way

SMH.

how often I change mine

I can't imagine why.

To be fair, I don't think OP ever planned on leaving him. I think it was obvious as soon as she quickly started blaming her friend, accusing her of jealousy etc when his actions were right there in black and white.

Of course, it's easy to sit looking in, I've had experience with one such dickhead myself which I thankfully ousted but only after a long traumatic period which nearly broke me. So I can read this and think oh fuck no get rid.

But on mumsnet sometimes the posts are so strident and overreactive that they do the opposite to what was intended (not yours), and the OP switches off!

It will be harder when there's a marriage and children involved which is why so many people advised to get out now.