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Original poster

Bf of 2 years said we may be wasting our time. Feel sick and need some tough love

192 replies

chopchop96 · 04/04/2025 09:01

Bf and I have beeen together two years. Generally we are happy, he’s loving and kind and we have a lot of fun together.

I’ve had my fair share of struggles with mental health. And I worry a lot and I overthink every possible scenario ever.
he understands this and is generally supportive.

However this does manifest in quite a few arguments which I try so so hard to limit happening but they just do. It’s got to the point where when I act the way I do, my bf becomes more and more frustrated.

Basically I choose my own narrative and can’t see any different.
For example, I will find something that suits my narrative (eg I feel like he’s going off me) and I will fixate on that and not accept any other answer, even the ones he gives me.
Bf now sees this as I don’t trust him, and he hates not feeling believed. He says I don’t listen to him.
Quite often this takes up a lot of time; we often have these conversations late at night, before we go out, or before work. he has been late to things as a result.

Last night it happens again. We went out and I couldn’t help but think he doesn’t touch my leg or isn’t as touchy feely as before.
I tried to explain this to him and he said that relationships evolve, and that it doesn’t mean anything and he still loves me.

But of course I couldn’t take this answer. I thought there must be another reason, you don’t just stop being touchy feely etc. He got really mad because

  • he feels like he’s being watched like a hawk
  • he feels completely untrusted and I can’t just take his word for things
  • He feels like I have to find an ulterior motive for everything
  • I make things escalate to levels where they don’t need to be

This then happened this morning, I said I didn’t feel heard, and then he was late for work again. He said he is generally happy but parts of our relationship are just “wasting his time” (as in making him late to things, making him lose sleep etc).

I am trying so so hard to be better. I received an adhd diagnosis; i am currently in EMDR therapy, i have tried some medications but nothing is working. I’m trying to exercise more, relieve stress etc.
But he said he can’t see an ounce of anything changing and that it’s just same thing every single time. He said the rest of the relationship is good but this part of the relationship is an ongoing problem.

I don’t want to be like this anymore. I feel so stuck and I just can’t let things go.
and it’s like a cycle; the more it happens the worse it gets. Because the more arguments we have, the more I believe he ‘can’t possibly be head over heels for me anymore and he must be lying’.

I’m trying so hard and I just don’t know what to do

OP posts:
MuggleMe · 04/04/2025 10:42

I honestly think you should take a serious break while you work on yourself. Are you like this in other relationships?

Namechangean · 04/04/2025 10:42

You need help, something needs to change because you’re abusing him, he may be trying his best to understand and you may not be doing it on purpose but that doesn’t make it right or acceptable

Fluffypotatoe123987 · 04/04/2025 10:42

Do you have bpd as well?

Maitri108 · 04/04/2025 10:38

sweetpickle2 · 04/04/2025 10:29

OP says she's in therapy in her first post.

Show quote history

Thanks.

OP, if you're having EMDR I assume you've experienced trauma. However, it would also be helpful to do something like CBT which helps you challenge your thoughts and change your behaviour. It might also be helpful to look up ways of managing your behaviour as it sounds compulsive. The Mind website has lots of information that you might find useful.

Ryanstartedthefire22 · 04/04/2025 10:35

I actually think what you are doing - nagging him about imagined situations to the point he's late for work - is abusive and I'd be advising him to break up for his own mental health.

LimeShaker · 04/04/2025 10:35

I do feel for you but as pp advised - is it possible not to say how you are feeling - at least in the moment and see if it passes. Ruining nights out and having heavy convos before work is going to get very draining. I have a bit of this sort of anxiety and it helps me to think that you can never control what your partner is thinking or feeling and even asking if they are going off you is unlikely to yield an honest response however this type of behaviour is corrosive to the relationship. If you want more affection a better way to frame this is as a positive - I love it when you…etc. This kind of arguing and making up and forcing feelings can bring you together in the short term but long term it is poison.

You don’t really need to trust his feelings for you as much as you need to trust that you will be fine whatever happens.

Buttonknot · 04/04/2025 10:31

Agix · 04/04/2025 10:25

What do you mean you can't stop? Of course you can. You might not be able to stop feeling the way you do about things, but you can absolutely stop voicing it and placing it on his shoulders.

Do inner work. Sort it out by yourself when you're feeling shitty. You're not powerless here. You don't have to drag him into it.

This. Your wording "I can't stop. It's never ever intentional" makes you sound completely passive in this. You may not be able to stop having these thoughts, but you can stop sharing them with him.

sweetpickle2 · 04/04/2025 10:29

Maitri108 · 04/04/2025 10:27

I'm sorry OP, I wasn't clear. How are you exploring your behaviour? Are you looking into therapy for example?

Show quote history

OP says she's in therapy in her first post.

Maitri108 · 04/04/2025 10:27

chopchop96 · 04/04/2025 10:22

Been referred for hormone tests and gynae appointment as well

Show quote history

I'm sorry OP, I wasn't clear. How are you exploring your behaviour? Are you looking into therapy for example?

IGuessIllbetheFirst · 04/04/2025 10:26

I think also you will drive him away unless you change. If he wants to be with you, he will do and if he doesn’t then he won’t. Stop looking for constant reassurance from him and find that within yourself instead. I think you are very controlling, what is it you fear will happen that you need to control? Him leaving you? That could happen anyway and it is does, your controlling will make it worse and not better for you,

Agix · 04/04/2025 10:25

What do you mean you can't stop? Of course you can. You might not be able to stop feeling the way you do about things, but you can absolutely stop voicing it and placing it on his shoulders.

Do inner work. Sort it out by yourself when you're feeling shitty. You're not powerless here. You don't have to drag him into it.

TheaBrandt1 · 04/04/2025 10:25

What is this “feeling heard” thing you keep saying? What do you want from him? Poor guy sounds bloody awful.

MarkingBad · 04/04/2025 10:23

chopchop96 · 04/04/2025 09:28

I just feel so sad. I hate knowing I’m making him feel like this but I can’t stop. It’s never ever intentional. Plus, I just want to feel heard and sometimes I feel like he doesn’t care or validate me?

I also swear I can feel him pulling away (rightly so) and yet he swears he isnt

I wonder if you realise that this is a deflection. This is exactly what he is telling you that you do to him.

You need professional help it's not up to him to validate you, it's up to you.

Original poster
chopchop96 · 04/04/2025 10:22

Maitri108 · 04/04/2025 10:20

How are you exploring it?

Show quote history

Been referred for hormone tests and gynae appointment as well

OP posts:
BlondiePortz · 04/04/2025 10:21

If my husband treated me like this i would be told to leave, I really can't see him hanging around forever being treated like a criminal unless you stop it there is only so much understanding one person can take

Maitri108 · 04/04/2025 10:20

chopchop96 · 04/04/2025 10:19

Honestly; we have an amazing time together when I don’t feel like this. We have days like this a few times a month, usually in the last week of my cycle. I’m not excusing it but it’s definitely a pattern we’ve both noticed and I’m exploring this further too

How are you exploring it?

Original poster
chopchop96 · 04/04/2025 10:19

Honestly; we have an amazing time together when I don’t feel like this. We have days like this a few times a month, usually in the last week of my cycle. I’m not excusing it but it’s definitely a pattern we’ve both noticed and I’m exploring this further too

OP posts:
zoemum2006 · 04/04/2025 10:17

On the plus side: think about how fabulous you must be in other ways for him to put up with this utterly unbearable part of your personality.

I know it's easier said than done but you are going to have to learn to manage these thoughts and not express them every time. I'd hate it if my DH thought I didn't love him no matter what I did. That makes me feel so sad.

Icanttakethisanymore · 04/04/2025 10:11

We went out and I couldn’t help but think he doesn’t touch my leg or isn’t as touchy feely as before.

I also swear I can feel him pulling away (rightly so) and yet he swears he isnt

Gosh OP, I am sorry but this sounds exhausting for him (and you). Can't you see that this is a self fulfilling prophecy? Everyone has their breaking point and you are driving him to it. If you cannot control your feelings then I think you'll need to end the relationship and be single until you are in a better place - this doesn't sound good for either of you.

WhereYouLeftIt · 04/04/2025 10:04

I really don't feel you are in the right place to be in a relationship. You know where your mental health is, but I don't see any consideration in your post for HIS mental health, which must be being affected by your behaviour. Be kind to him and let him go, then you can concentrate on where you are without diverting your energies scrutinising/obsessing about this relationship.

User14March · 04/04/2025 10:03

Another perspective, you might be overthinking & driving yourself nuts as you know he’s marking time & not that into you? It’s possible you are too hard on self & need to trust gut on this too.

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 04/04/2025 10:01

Get help for yourself. You will be pushing him away, and I don’t think I’d stay if I were in his position. I know you don’t mean it, but you really have to stop this. You say you want your feelings validated, but how many times and for how long? Only you can fix this.

Snoken · 04/04/2025 09:59

I think you have posted about this before and I really don't think you are in the right headspace to be in a relationship at the moment. Your last thread was a very uncomfortable read and you clearly haven't changed since. You need to let this man go. This level of paranoia is bound to damage him immensely. I know you are not well but please take responsibilty for yourself and your actions.

OlivePeer · 04/04/2025 09:51

TheAmusedQuail · 04/04/2025 09:41

Apologies for saying this, because it may come across as offensive, and it's genuinely not meant that way.

Have you tried feeling whatever is going on with you but just not saying it/talking about it? So, you'd still be anxious, worried etc. But you just wouldn't discuss it with him. Because, as you've said, it doesn't help when you DO discuss it with him. You still feel all the anxiety, worry and fear. They don't go away by talking to him about it.

Maybe write it down. Record it on your phone. Go onto an online forum and write about it. Get it out somehow. But not with him.

Because yes, you WILL push him away if you're not careful. So releasing the anxiety elsewhere would break that cycle.

Edited

Yes, this is true - I noticed there's no distinction in the post between the concepts of feeling it and saying it, as though one must lead inevitably to the other when that isn't really the case. That's something I've struggled with too and my self-imposed rules have helped with: it's ok to keep the feelings to yourself and see how they work themselves out in your brain, and even if you still agree with them in a few hours' time. Sometimes I can't believe the things I thought were totally reasonable and important to express a few hours or days later.

Another issue is that it seems like the conversations must be long/finished to OP's satisfaction once they've started, but really that isn't a natural law and shouldn't just be OP's decision to make. It's deeply unkind to keep someone awake or make them late, and I'm surprised that despite her insight, OP seems to present this happening as an inevitability rather than a choice.

TheAmusedQuail · 04/04/2025 09:41

Apologies for saying this, because it may come across as offensive, and it's genuinely not meant that way.

Have you tried feeling whatever is going on with you but just not saying it/talking about it? So, you'd still be anxious, worried etc. But you just wouldn't discuss it with him. Because, as you've said, it doesn't help when you DO discuss it with him. You still feel all the anxiety, worry and fear. They don't go away by talking to him about it.

Maybe write it down. Record it on your phone. Go onto an online forum and write about it. Get it out somehow. But not with him.

Because yes, you WILL push him away if you're not careful. So releasing the anxiety elsewhere would break that cycle.