Bf of 2 years said we may be wasting our time. Feel sick and need some tough love

If adhd stimulants havnt worked for you try looking at none stimulant like intuniv. Also if your thinking hormone related sertraline can really help imo.

But I'd also seriously consider cbt with a counsellor. Excellent for changing thoughts and learning coping techniques.

Also research rejection sensitivity dysphoria

I found with cbt it helped me with that I am enough. I can't control his emotions but I'm worthy of being loved

Bless you, I think you just sound very insecure. He would not be with you if he didn't want to be, and didn't love you.

I think you need to make a conscious effort to shift your mindset to be a bit more independent. Maybe some really simple little hobbies like planting a few seeds to grow in the garden might help. Or getting into a great book.

The thing is that there is a thing called a 'self-fulfilling prophecy' you have to be aware of. Don't self sabotage your own happiness. ❤

Have you heard of relationship OCD? That and PMDD come to mind after reading your post.

Please do try and seek help. I know someone who behaves like you and she struggles to maintain relationships.

OP I know my post was harsh and I’m sorry. I lived like your bf did for years as my DH struggled with mental illness. In the end I told him I was taking the kids and leaving unless he did something about it. He did and one of the first things he did was to stop verbalising every insecurity at me. To process his obsessive thoughts internally and to ‘fake’ his moods so there wasn’t a constant dark cloud over all of us. This was hard for him and of course alongside there was a process of counselling and medication and exercise etc. But I still expect him to have an awareness of how his moods effect us all and things have improved dramatically for our family although his internal struggles have improved they are still very much there.
There is hope for change but it is slow. It was worth it for me because we had a family but to be absolutely clear if it had just been me I would have left. And I think your bf should. And I think of you cared for him you would end the relationship (my husband said several times he would agree to whatever I wanted in terms of breakup/kids/house etc)

HRTFT but this! Feeling it is the only way to get through it. And it may get to the point that you recognise the feeling, and you feel it, but it starts to lose its power- especially if when you feel it, you do something else: write it out, sit with it, etc- and then something else again, go for a walk or do some yoga or make some food from scratch. Something grounding. Don’t tell him about it every time- or ever. If he asks, tell him you’re feeling anxious and you’re dealing with it- but don’t make it his responsibility to make you feel better. That can only come from you.

Pp are right- he will walk away otherwise, you are making this too hard. But you can change the pattern. It’ll take time but you can do it.

Oh my god, my first thought was... That poor man! You're pushing him away.
If you want to stay with him you need to stop, as it is your behaviour is going to cause your fears to become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

If I posted on here than my boyfriend was keeping me up when I wanted to sleep and making me late for work demanding I listen to them complain about things I wasn’t doing and insisting on endless amounts of soothing, but the BF insisted he couldn’t help it and I wasn’t listening to him enough, then what do you think people would say to me?

Sounds more like you have anxious attachment (needing constant reassurance).

I have ADHD and avoidant attachment. Meds work on dopamine to help me focus but I wouldn’t expect them to make it easier for me to give my partner the focus they require (which comes from oxytocin, not dopamine).

EDMR is usually used for trauma?

I think you need therapy - solo and couple - to identify why this is happening and what you are able and willing to do to address it.

This isn't fair on your boyfriend.

He will either end up mentally damaged, leave, or both.

Set him free and do some inner healing work before getting into another relationship.

No one can give you the reassurance you need. It likely stems from a deep well of emotional neglect, but a therapist can support you towards acceptance and healing.

Have you done this with all your relationships? If so, you shouldn’t be in one until you are more comfortable with yourself. Your intrusive thoughts and needy and controlling behaviour is driving him away and you need to seek support.

You may not be able to stop the feelings you have but you have full control of your mouth and the words coming out of it?!! You need to stop sharing those thoughts constantly to your boyfriend. The poor man is walking on egg shells, being subjected to unreasonable behaviour and must be utterly drained. Why are these conversations happening before nights out, bedtime and just before work? You have control over when you have these conversations, the same as you do with the words coming out of your mouth! So, in my mind, you are doing it deliberately, no matter how much you say it's not intentional! You want answers, explanations, reassurance etc now, and you don't particularly care when it is, or what you're saying. You need professional help. To me, your behaviour towards your boyfriend is abusive. End the relationship and let this man go. Don't get yourself involved with anyone else again, until you have sought proper support for your mental health, and you are in a better place. You don't have the right to destroy someone else's mental health, along the way.

You seem to think you are holding up your hands and taking responsibility for your abhorrent behaviour but you aren’t. You suggest these abusive episodes just ‘happen’ but you are starting them and they are wholly one sided. You even blame him for them - he’s not ‘validating’ you or you aren’t ‘heard’. Leave him alone! Just because you suffer from possibly PMS related paranoia you don’t have to make it his problem. Call a friend, keep a diary, talk to your therapist but leave the poor bloke out of it. If you have no intention of stopping, let him go.

In my own experience when you are in patterns of disordered thinking you believe no one is listening or hearing you, but it’s because your thinking is disordered and irrational and so doesn’t make sense to other people. Hence long discussions where he is standing trial defending himself about things he hasn’t done. It’s very distressing for everyone as it’s so deep in your imagination it feels real?

If your boyfriend was posting from his perspective we would all be telling him to leave you.

You're not relationship material in your current state. You really need to work these issues out because they are negatively impacting his life.

I think you need a break from relationships to find your confidence. He can't live like this, it is unfair to expect him to. It's borderline abusive towards him.
Ask for a break, work on yourself, do not get into a relationship, do something like travelling alone, that is outside your comfort zone.then find a partner or get back with him when you have more confidence and have grown into being comfortable and confident with yourself.

Your bf is being emotionally abused by you. He is walking on eggshells, feeling all his actions are being scrutinised, modifying his behaviour to appease you. Nights out are being ruined. He is being sleep deprived and his job sabotaged by your behaviour. You acknowledge your struggles but many abusers do.
Your mental health is not your fault but it is your responsibility. It is not your boyfriends role to bear this burden for you. You need to acknowledge that you are not a person who can be in a relationship right now. You are damaging the person you are with. You need to let him go and work on yourself. It’s in unbelievably selfish to ask him to stay in the dynamic.

If it was a woman posting that her OH ruined days out and special occasions, and repeatedly made her late for work by creating drama and causing arguments, she would be told to leave because her partner was abusive.

Your behaviour is controlling, unacceptable, and it is abusive. You should not be in a relationship at all until you sort yourself out. Let him go, and do the work.

I do feel for you as I can see you are struggling with these obsessive thoughts and it must be horrible for you. Also for him though I do feel for him, he is really trying and it must be so hard for him to tolerate. It’s like a kind of madness and incredibly frustrating. You do need to continue to work on yourself rather than try to focus on him being the person to meet you needs. You need to use this opportunity to step back from him to meet your own needs rather than expecting him to spin round your disordered thinking

Are you the hair person that has posted a few times before?

Not to be cruel but I’m not surprised he needs space you sound to much and probably should work on yourself before a relationship can move forward

Could it be PMDD? As that makes you lose all sense of normality.
When you start interfering with someone’s basic needs to sleep or be at work on time, it’s classified as abusive.
You say you feel not heard but at the times when you are like this, nothing this man can do or say will placate you.
It is a horrible place uk be mentally stuck - you know it’s wrong but can’t seem to get a handle on it.
You have a rare man there who loves you but you will drive him away. I hope you listen to what he’s said.

you know what you are doing. You know it is harmful and clearly abusive. If you don’t realise it yet, you are exploiting his feelings. He doesn’t leave because he has feelings for you. And because you keep saying you will change. Even though you don’t and you lack the ability to change at this point in time.

you are not taking responsibility for any of this. And the easy way for it to stop is to end the relationship and stop seeing him. You should not be in a relationship with anyone until you can manage your mental health. If that is indeed the reason you act this way.

Of course the advice to him would be to leave you if he was asking. But he isn’t and in any case his feelings make him vulnerable to you. You are asking so my advice is to leave him before you do more harm.

All of that is controlling, suffocating and extreme. The poor bloke must be so miserable. You really need to let him go and get some real help with your mental health problems.

Take some agency, OP. This is your responsibility to manage, not your boyfriend’s to deal with. And I think you need talking therapy to explore why you are actually sabotaging your relationship — you keep voicing fears that he’s drifting away, when your obsessional reassurance-seeking behaviour seems designed to push him away. I’ll be honest, I couldn’t deal with that longterm.

This. Once you have completed the EMDR trauma processing, have a look into a more active, relational therapy. The EMDR will be a good foundation for it. CBT might well be helpful, and you should certainly consider it, but doesn't suit everyone, especially if you genuinely feel driven to do this and feel you can't stop. You might also look into psychodynamic psychotherapy to begin to understand and shift these entrenched behaviours within relationships.