Bf of 2 years said we may be wasting our time. Feel sick and need some tough love

@chopchop96 you know that the more you pressure him, the more likely he is to pull away; you’re actually making your fears of him leaving a reality! I’m wondering if not knowing exactly how he feels is one of the hardest things… the thing is that we never truly know what is going on in someone else’s mind; falling in love and being in a couple is an act of faith and hope, it takes courage! We can also never control our partners and the more we try to, the more they will want to be free. I’m sure you know this already but I think it’s important to accept this before agreeing to be in a relationship. Also look up rejection dysphoria, might help to understand this a bit.
I wonder if something like this workbook could help you alongside therapy, it helped me a lot - www.amazon.com/Neurodivergent-Friendly-Workbook-DBT-Skills/dp/B09S9JBS8G
you really need to be very firm with yourself about your behaviour to your partner (it’s okay to feel jealous and anxious, just not check up on him and control him and mean that he is not able to love his life fully); and if you can’t you need some time as a single person in therapy working this through

The bad will eventually outweigh the good for him OP, it sounds like it already is, or it is starting to and he is trying to tell you. If you can't believe him or trust him then you need to let him go.

He hears you, he's just had enough of placating you, as it makes no difference to the outcome, it is your problem to deal with, not his problem to validate you.

It's basically abuse at this point, and doing it when he is due to go out is VERY intentional, you could easily stop doing that you but you are choosing not to.

My mum is like this with me and does similar things, I could say to her right now 'I'm going to go on holiday to Spain' and she would reply that I wasn't really going to Spain, I was just telling her I was going to Spain and really I'm going somewhere else to meet up with a man and why do I need to lie and not just say what I really mean.

It doesn't end there though, Then she will go on and on for weeks about the fact I'm not telling her the truth and life would be better for everyone if I just said it like it is, why would I lie to her about going to Spain when I'm not going to Spain and clearly I don't love her because I can't just tell her the truth that I'm going meeting a man in another Country (this man doesn't exist, all in her head..)

She makes entire situations up in her head then fully believes that's the truth and no matter what you say or do once she has made her mind up then that is that. I could tell her the sky is blue and she would tell me it isn't blue, it's black, why am I lying about the sky being blue and trying to gaslight her into thinking it was blue...

Sometimes she falls out with me for things I haven't even done, she thinks I did it then starts believing her own made up story, Sometimes she falls out with me for things she thinks I MIGHT do in the future.

It's destroyed everything and I no longer feel I have a mother, It's tedious needing to explain my every thought or action and then have to walk on eggshells for days/weeks. and yes you feel like you are being watched like a hawk and every thought, movement, action or word gets picked apart and you have to give a reason for everything.

You will ruin the relationship and push him away in the end because people can only take so much before they walk away.

please get help for your mental health, I wish you all the best.

I think it’s best that you end the relationship.

I read on here that you shouldn’t validate all fears /irrational behaviours and beliefs because validation means that you are agreeing that the behaviour/beliefs are real and right.

You feel what you feel but your bf is clearly not the right person to tell you that your thoughts are unreasonable because you perceive that as him not listening to you. It’s a vicious circle that can’t be broken precisely because you aren’t doing this out of malice but your bf can’t reassure you either.

I’m really sorry OP - are you ND or have another diagnosis like anxiety or OCD?

As many have said, it's a case of working on yourself and your thoughts about yourself. Therapy is definitely helpful, I worked with two therapists who weren't a great fit and then found one who changed my life- it may be that you need to find a different therapist or a different type of therapy.

Also, a book recommendation which I found incredibly helpful and have reccommended to more people than I care to mention- they've all loved it.

https://www.foyles.co.uk/reviews/the-book-you-want-everyone-you-love-to-read/philippa-perry/2928377183943

Wishing you lots of luck x

Seems like torture for both of you. I’d call it a day and release yourselves both from this unhealthy situation. Then, do all the work on yourself necessary, therapy and with a gynae, or maybe more successfully endocrinologist, if you believe this is hormone related. When, and only when, you are in a healthy space with this, then cast your fishing line. While you may love this current guy, the whole ‘one true soulmate’ is a complete crock of shite. Men are like buses, once you stand at the bus stop, buses will come along, you just need to ride different routes to see which is best suited.

I used to be you, OP. It's exhausting for you and your partner. The only thing that worked for me was the right medication. Fluoxetine changed my life, almost overnight. I can only recommend that you keep going until you find the right one.

Show your bf that you care enough and that you listen enough to know that you are a right pain in the arse.
Tell your bf that you are having some serious counselling and working on yourself.

Try to recognise a trigger (or a warning in the form of thoughts you get etc) where you realise that you are behaving like an arse and take yourself away to calm down and chill out.

In arguments, agree with your bf more.You know that he is right to find you unable to hear himwhen he speaks.

If you can't improve and feel more trusting, with professional help, then there is not much hope for your bf I'm afraid. It would be too cruel to continue a relationship with a person who will never be trusted.

Validating your concerns and 'hearing' you would be the wrong thing for him to do, because your concerns are invented.

If my partner said (eg) 'You must be going off me because you didn't say 'Love you' before you ended that phone call' I'd say 'You're being ridiculous, of course that doesn't mean I'm going off you'. I wouldn't validate his concerns and say 'I'm so sorry, I'll never end a phone call without saying 'love you' ever again and if I do, it means I am going off you' because that would be total bullshit and would mean he was placing unacceptable controls on me.

I am literally making his life worse and he says I’m not

He can't win. Think about how that conversation would work:

You: I'm making your life worse, aren't I, no wonder you don't love me any more
Him: I do love you
You: Are you sure? Are you sure you don't hate me? How can you love me? I don't believe you can love me when I make your life worse.
Him: You don't make my life worse
You: I don't believe you

OR

You: I'm making your life worse, aren't I, no wonder you don't love me any more
Him: I do love you
You: Are you sure? Are you sure you don't hate me? How can you love me? I don't believe you can love me when I make your life worse.
Him: Look, I'll be honest - I do love you, BUT your anxiety and clinginess IS really hard to deal with. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells. I'm exhausted by it, and it's really hard.
You: WHAT?? You find me hard to deal with? Oh my god, you hate me. You're going to leave me. You've gone off me, just like I said...

Do you see how you're putting him in a impossible no-win situation?

I agree with this. I also, like a PP, wonder if you are the 'funny hair' woman who posted a couple of weeks ago...

If your DP was a loved one of mine, I'd want him to end the relationship.

we have a lot of adhd, ocd and autism in our family - it’s not uncommon to have more than one neurodiversity - I suspect you might have more than adhd as you are being obsessive. Please speak to your gp.

You clearly have some issues with your mental health / obsessive behaviour.

I appreciate that perhaps you can't keep that behaviour under control, but honestly, that is not your boyfriend's fault and he can't be expected to put up with that sort of constant questioning, scrutiny and emotional angst all the time. His own mental health is being affected by this and it's not fair on him. I would find it unbearable.

It's emotional abuse/control - even if you're not doing it intentionally, you are still subjecting him to it. It's still abusive and it's still controlling. He must be walking on eggshells the entire time and scared of upsetting you with the tiniest things. He shouldn't have to constantly reassure you about things that are in your head.

I would suggest that you would be wise to end the relationship and get some pretty intense therapy. You're honestly not in a place to have a healthy relationship with anyone right now and it's not good for either of you.

Me & DH had a make or break at this point in our relationship.

He’s the one with the issues / mental health problems.

We got married, but he is one who starts arguments. It’s hard.

Sounds like a form of intrusive thoughts. Have you explored this with your therapist? Do you have any medical disorders such as ocd or anxiety? Have you a diagnosis of ND. Although there are many other things it could be. I am not a psychiatrist but intrusive thoughts can form from an anxiety. Often from a traumatic or very stressful event in our lives.

Our brains have an old reptilian part that doesn't listen to reason from our more modern modern counterpart, it only remembers how you feel. In your mind, it won't let these relentless thoughts go until you feel safe in that situation. Safe doesn't always mean from danger. It could be that you're trying to protect yourself from heartbreak. But unfortunately in doing so, it's creating it's own storm. There fore predicting see this is what happens and it's because youve made it happen. Better the devil you know type situation.

So an exercise for you if you wish. Have a look on your life. Why are you in EMDR ask yourself? This is usually for some trauma or ptsd. Is it this that has had an impact? Your behaviour is a type of self defence mechanism. Really look at the root of where this is coming from. There you will start to find your answers.

Also look for attachment styles. You sound like an anxious attachment to me. This often forms when our needs are not met in childhood. There are many many videos about this on youtube.

Your first step was reaching out on this board so you clearly want to help yourself. It might be better for you to be single whilst you work on this. Your future self will thank you for it. His attachment style may also be completely the opposite of what you are so therefore triggers the neediness in you because you need constant reassurance. But that isn't his job.

He is right, relationships do change over time and the intensity changes. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you but those words won't change anything for you. You'll only remember how you felt. And emotions can be so strong that they feel real.

If you do the work on yourself, you will feel so much better I promise you. Here is to a happy life.

Therapy focused on your childhood and resulting attachment pattern would be hugely helpful. Good luck

OP, you need to end this relationship for both your sakes. Then you need to do some serious work on yourself until you are more stable.

Right now you are harming both him as well as yourself.

I'm pleased you are taking steps to try to resolve the problem. Have you considered splitting up to just be by yourself and work on you? I say this because it must be utterly exhausting for your BF to be constantly under scrutiny, then when he explains something you don't believe him. I'd honestly be massively pissed of with this, plus who brings things up in the morning when he's getting ready for work - then he's late. You need to have a serious think about continuing the relationship or not. I'd honestly end it if I were him - sorry but you did say give tough love.

I would run a mile if a partner did this to me.

Obviously you can't help it, and you are working hard to tackle and improve the issues, but your behaviour sounds exhausting both mentally and emotionally. Your BF has described very well how it makes him feel - that you don't trust him - and that sounds a fair description.

You acknowledge that your fixations are the problem, and will be in all and any relationship whether personal or romantic or at work. It's not wrong to focus on your needs, and doing that will benefit him too.

It's so hard to get good professional help but that's what your main priority is, keep looking until you find something that really works for you. Your BF clearly likes you to have stayed around for two years, he must be worth making the effort for.

You might not be able to reframe your thoughts, but you do need to take ownership of your actions.

If he’s pulling away, there’s very little you can do about that. Asking him over and over won’t make him love you more, so even if it’s true you’re not achieving anything.

Instead you need to look at what you need out of the relationship and if he’s giving you that. If you need more touch and cuddles, ask for this. Not in the way that if he doesn’t give them to you it’s reflective of his feelings, just that it would make you happier in the relationship.

Make this about your feelings not his. You don’t and can’t know his feelings. But tell him what you think is missing, and he either will or won’t deliver on these things, and if he doesn’t you might just not be compatible.

You are not mentally stable enough to be in a relationship right now and this is going to be making him ill.

The best thing you can do is separate properly.
Do not have any communication for the next 6 months and both take time away from each other to work on yourselves.

If after 6 months you both want to get back together, then take things slowly and relearn how to be in a relationship.

I know you say you can’t help it but I can bet that if he ended the relationship whenever you acted like this you would learn how to behave better.

I met a guy who acted like you and I refused to accept it.
I said if you feel a certain way then it’s good to communicate and ask me anything but once I’ve given you my answer then don’t ask me again.
If you don’t believe my answer then that’s your issue, not mine and I won’t be with someone who tries to make their issues my issues.
Funnily enough after the first couple of times and me ending things over it, he never did it again.

I don’t think you are wrong, but I think you need to pick your timings for these discussions better. Rather than thinking it and saying it, pick a time to bring things up. You struggle because he can’t engage in the conversation and acknowledge your feelings, but you are bringing it up when all he can think about is not being late for work.

the relationship may well have run its
course. But I think your approach with regards to timings would be problematic with anyone

Your self awareness is admirable, but you must know it's not enough by itself.

If he were my friend I'd encourage him to end the relationship.

Hi op, I really feel for you in this situation.

Please ignore the following if you don’t think they suit your particular situation, as I am coming from the perspective of a mother with an ND child, but similar to WrylyAmused, the following works well in our family:

-when you sense others are pulling away, allow them that privilege, we all need our space : it helps to have a visual reminder of this, so in our family when someone needs a bit of time alone we use a Heidi analogy and say we are going off up the mountain with the goats! It sounds utterly ridiculous but it’s a short cut phrase to remind everyone that it’s not a personal rejection!

-when a wave of anxiety comes over you, and you feel panicked and insecure, you need a loved one to say, “it’s ok, I’m here, I know you are anxious, nothing is wrong, I am just stressed/rushed/busy etc” . This can be quite demanding for the person who is in a rush or has a work deadline looming, or trying to get to sleep, so we have contracted it down in to code words. So you say one word line “blue” which means “I need reassurance” and then the other person puts their hands on the person of the shoulders seeking reassurance and looks them in the eyes - if they can tolerate that - and says “blue heard, blue good” .

Sorry if this all sounds utterly mad but they have been effective strategies for us which circumvent the embarrassment of having to ask for reassurance, and at the same time, provides it quickly and directly without having to go through cyclical arguments.

I think it might be helpful to demonstrate to your bf at this moment that you have really heard and taken on board his concerns and that you have some self awareness of these issues and you want him to feel comfortable in your relationship.

Practically speaking, that might look like:

• writing a card identifying and apologising for your behaviours and acknowledging that it’s something you need to work on
• taking yourself away for Easter to stay with friends or family and allowing him some space, as chasing never works
• engaging with a psychologist who specialises in ADHD and also anxiety disorders.

Whether that will be enough to repair the relationship I don’t know but either way you can learn from this experience 💐