Bf of 2 years said we may be wasting our time. Feel sick and need some tough love

It’s completely irrelevant whether it was caused by childhood trauma or not. It remains the OP’s responsibility to manage, regardless of its origin. She should practice self-compassion, obviously, but also to acknowledge that if she allows this to impact her relationship, it will damage and potentially end it. And that’s not on her boyfriend.

OP, I haven't read the full thread but have read your replies.
I just wanted to let you know, you are not alone in how you feel. It comes from a place of insecurity and self-perception.
Ultimately, you need to work on yourself, learn to like yourself. Believe you are worthy of him and this relationship.
This can be done within a relationship, with an understanding and patient partner (I know because I am in this process now with a man who I am so grateful for) just bear in mind, patience isn't endless, even for a saint.
Have a google of Relationship OCD.

Good luck lovely, we've got this x

Agree, as soon as I read this I thought childhood trauma. Did you have a happy childhood OP?
If it is trauma then no amount of trying to snap out of it or just stop as some posters have said is going to work. Trauma changes the brain and the pathways your thoughts take, you literally won’t be able to help it OP.
I had to take the decision that I wasn’t able to stay healthy in a relationship however much I tried, so I avoid them. Perhaps this is something to consider OP. It would give you time and space to work on yourself.

The way this is written - is it a reverse? If so, OP’s boyfriend, I think you already know the right thing to do in order to protect yourself.

You're going to destroy your relationship. Then you will feel vindicated as you were right all along.

I can't recommend enough Op that you have therapy - one to one for as long as it takes.

You are hyper vigilant and I promise - you can change this. i was like this and I changed and it also changed my life.

OP, it is abusive for him to be on the receiving end of this as the behaviour exhibited is controlling and paranoid. It is impacting him negatively and a strong example is that it’s making him late for his job. It’s really wrong, regardless of whether you intend to hurt him. We wouldn’t accept a man treating a women like this, not would we excuse abuse on the basis that it is caused by poor mental health.

The right thing to do is let the relationship come to an end and work on rebuilding your mental health so that, when you are ready, you can be with someone in a equal relationship that is built on trust and confidence.

Was the Adhd diagnosis quite recent? It will take a while to process and figure out strategies. Also medications can really help with mental health, but it often takes trying lots to find the right one, and staying on them for a bit.

Sounds like you might have Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, look into that if you haven't already.

Do you live together? Maybe you could try and give him space while you figure stuff out. If you have a spare room, maybe you could sleep there - also don't interact in the mornings if you can manage this. If you're initiating the pulling back, maybe it will be easier to deal with than him eventually pushing you away if nothing changes.

You can change this behaviour. The first step is to understand when and why you learnt to think like this. What was your childhood like? Do you recognise this pattern of thinking/behaviour in one or both of your parent?

Have a look at this guide as a first step to understanding yourself;

https://www.betterup.com/blog/core-beliefs

Fluoxetine is indicated for OCD and Pre menstrual mood disorder. This alone could be life changing. Your post screams Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria which can also be mitigated with fluoxetine and ADHD meds.

It sounds like you have certain propensities that will be ongoing for you and I know it’s hard and involuntary. They are treatable though, and you need to give this everything or you will lose him. It sounds like he isn’t completely checked out yet but just needs to see things can change. I think you need to tell him that you recognise that if things can’t change he is unable to continue but that you will be doubling down every effort.

You will need urgent and expert CBT, can you pay? Can you detail what meds you have tried and when?

I'm assuming you've been diagnosed with OCD - obsessive ruminations - OP?

Perhaps try CBT?

you are not taking responsibility for any of this. And the easy way for it to stop is to end the relationship and stop seeing him. You should not be in a relationship with anyone until you can manage your mental health. If that is indeed the reason you act this way

I'm afraid I agree with this. You asked for tough love and you need it. You're talking about this as if you have no control over the situation but you do, ADHD or otherwise. You can become better at observing your own response to this sort of trigger and choosing to not react to it. It's hard, breaking any kind of mental habit is hard. But its possible and its necessary.

Ideally you need CBT to tackle this but you can start with mental affirmations: repeating to yourself that this is the condition talking, you don't need to act on it every time this pops into your head. Making a commitment to yourself to take a beat, not respond, not trigger another long discussion. Just sit with the feeling and let it pass. You having these long conversations with him will not change the situation, they are likely on balance to make it worse, so you need to train your brain into recognising this as a danger signal, as opposed to something you feel compelled to do.

He will leave you if you don't turn this around: it's your choice and at the moment you're actively choosing to sabotage your relationship and your mental health.

• he feels like he’s being watched like a hawk
• he feels completely untrusted and I can’t just take his word for things
• He feels like I have to find an ulterior motive for everything
• I make things escalate to levels where they don’t need to be

This was me, on the receiving end of an insecure boyfriend. It was awful. I'm sorry.

The problem with this level of anxiety is that there's absolutely nothing he could do to truly reassure you. We can never know how someone truly feels, and for some people this uncertainty feels unbearable. Is the EMDR for an unrelated issue? The constant need for reassurance sounds more like a DBT/CBT area.

Of course he’s pulling away if you act like this. Get professional help immediately, this is clearly ruining your life.

You have become passive you’re allowing your diagnosis to determine your behaviour. You can’t change your feelings but you can choose what you say and what you do and you’re choosing to undermine your relationship why he still with you I really don’t know he must love you but you don’t believe that do you Don’t give up on medication? You need to go back to a GP and get something different that will put you in a better state to receive the therapy at the moment you’re in a circle of destruction. Have faith in your ability to choose what you say.

Do you work? If not, find some job to fill your days and destract you from your imagined problems. This navel gazing would be unbearable to anyone.

Sorry OP, no way I could live like your partner is. I think you're not well enough to be in a relationship currently. You need therapy to work on yourself. Good luck.

I think this reassurance can work with a child, as you are their care giver and I have been doing this with my child but once someone becomes an adult they have to learn coping strategies for anxiety that DO NOT come from a reassuring care giver, as that person will just become completely overwhelmed by the responsibility especially when it doesn’t work.

My partner is a people pleaser and I have anxiety and we had an issue 2 years in where I was offloading all my little anxious stresses outloud to him, and he was trying to help me and he broke up with me over it. I had such a shock to my system I have had no choice but to change and stop voicing out loud every thing that’s bothering me in the moment and I agree, just feel it. What you are doing OP is using your partner as a trauma dumping bucket. You don’t like the feeling so you are compelled to share it to feel better and get rid of it - it doesn’t work. You don’t feel better. You don’t need to share every feeling and thought with other people. Other people don’t always like your thoughts either. But feeling them can be very scary and when we were not heard as children this can be the result

with us it was never him that was bothering me. I would feel stressed and anxious and be stress dumping about everything else (work, life, health) I really had to take stock of my very unhealthy coping strategies and find new ones. OP you need to work harder on that. There are so many ways you could try to re-centre yourself once these thoughts start rather than voicing them so you need to start trying

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It must be difficult and exhausting for you both.
It's worth looking at the type of therapy that might help most. CBT can be great but other types such as DBT are sometimes better if you're neurodivergent.
I wonder if there's a bit of OCD going on? Many years ago, I had a similar spell of quite extreme, obsessive worry. And it wasn't enough to simply have the worry – the urge to ask for reassurance from DP was almost overwhelming. I've broken out of this now, although I do still struggle with anxiety.
When you get the urge to ask him something, see how long you can not say it for. Is it ten minutes? An hour? And how difficult is it for you? Initially, it can feel almost impossible, but the longer you can go, sometimes the urgency can slip away. A good idea is to write it down or capture it in some way so you know that you can bring it up later if you still care about it. If you need to ask him something in the morning – try writing it down and setting an alarm for later that day. Then try to do something else – go out, meet someone, go shopping, safe in the knowledge that you haven't forgotten about it. When the alarm goes off later, see if you still feel as strongly. ERP therapy can be really helpful for OCD. Also citalopram and other ssri's can be really good for generalised anxiety and obsessive urges. You do have to wait a while for them to work, but they can really help.
Do you feel happy and fulfilled in your life outside of your relationship? Whenever I had this type of anxiety, I didn't have much going on to distract me, so all that nervous energy was channelled into unhelpful things and came out onto poor DP.

Wishing you the best. You can get through it!

I have been here before OP have you had a traumatic past experience eith relationships or previous emotional abuse that you now no longer recognize what love feels like so need that constant validation and reassurance? I know you said you have tried medication but sertraline worked really well for me it makes it a little bit worse before it gets a lot better it switches off all those thoughts. I feel for you and your boyfriend I can tell you love him and wish you could switch of your brain almost I supose adhd doesnt help either. Me and my partner went through 4 years of ups and downs both of us came from traumatic relationships both psychological and physical and in reality we weren't properly healed or ready despite feeling we where there was a lot of unresolved trauma causing constant doubt and overthinking. Honestly we then split for 3 months and it was the best thing we ever did. Time apart made us realise, now we are stronger than ever and we just know. Of course anyone's mind can easily sneak in a thought but you need to think of all the times you do know he loves you all those things he might do or a mantra as others have said and just "know". Have faith to believe some of this may be low self esteem you feel he is pulling away doesnt perhaps like you as much so work on your own confidence. Communication is also key but I think over talking about the issue makes it feel like its never going away try and focus on both having fun, dont over think (easier said than done i know) and by communication I just mean the little text updates about how ur days going whT ur up too. The good morning and goodnight texts. But please try to believe him, focus on light hearted fun and stop the minute those thoughts come in think back to see what has he actually done where is the truth in what I am thinking or am I just over thinking and over analyzing

No one is "head over heels in love" two years in, so I think you need to reframe your expectations about what a long term relationship looks like. Is he dependable? Consistent? Kind? Are you a team? Do you laugh together? Do you have similar goals? Do you enjoy spending time together? These are the questions you need to be asking yourself. The fireworks die down but if you genuinely enjoy each others company and have a friendship underlying it all, then thats the thing that will see you through in the long term.

I’ve not read the other answers, but during EMDR therapy you are massively more sensitive to triggers. It gets worse before it gets better. EMDR is so hard, it’s literally re-opening old wounds that you’ve buried for good reasons, and feeling all the feelings you were to terrified to feel back then.

That makes being in a relationship hard. If I were you, I’d cut my losses and pour all my energy into doing the therapy and healing so you’re in a better place for your next relationship?

Have you done DBT? It’s excellent for emotional regulation and calming triggers. If you’ve got Pinterest, there’s loads of cheat sheets/infographics on there which might help. DBT skills are really useful to have while going through EMDR.

I also recommend looking at practicing self-conpassion. In a nutshell, how would you take care of/advise your best friend if she was in this situation? In the short term - cup of tea, chocolate, familiar TV. And in the long term - having the courage to remove yourself from the relationship that’s doing more harm than good right now.

Sending you a big hand hold, keep going with your therapy, it will get better. 💐

It sounds like you have an insecure attachment. Have you read the book attached?

Op - this relationship has no future. Once this pattern sets in - its impossible to change.
The only way you’ll learn and change is with time and seeing consequences of your actions/behaviours. And possibly, medication.

I hope your bf leaves to save himself from this. You feel him pull away - sure. It’s a normal reaction to protect yourself from abuse. He needs to pick himself up and leave - for both of your sakes.

I have been like you when I was young. As in - had lots of doubts about myself, didnt think anybody could really love me. Found evidence of my narrative, suffered. This is not uncommon.

But the sort of arguments you describe - where you start discussions at night and/or make him late for work in the morning - this is not to do with MH or your brain. This is pure selfishness. Where you put yourself and your emotions above everything and everybody else in life. The only way you will change is by making the mistakes, and learning with the fallout.