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Original poster

Bf of 2 years said we may be wasting our time. Feel sick and need some tough love

192 replies

chopchop96 · 04/04/2025 09:01

Bf and I have beeen together two years. Generally we are happy, he’s loving and kind and we have a lot of fun together.

I’ve had my fair share of struggles with mental health. And I worry a lot and I overthink every possible scenario ever.
he understands this and is generally supportive.

However this does manifest in quite a few arguments which I try so so hard to limit happening but they just do. It’s got to the point where when I act the way I do, my bf becomes more and more frustrated.

Basically I choose my own narrative and can’t see any different.
For example, I will find something that suits my narrative (eg I feel like he’s going off me) and I will fixate on that and not accept any other answer, even the ones he gives me.
Bf now sees this as I don’t trust him, and he hates not feeling believed. He says I don’t listen to him.
Quite often this takes up a lot of time; we often have these conversations late at night, before we go out, or before work. he has been late to things as a result.

Last night it happens again. We went out and I couldn’t help but think he doesn’t touch my leg or isn’t as touchy feely as before.
I tried to explain this to him and he said that relationships evolve, and that it doesn’t mean anything and he still loves me.

But of course I couldn’t take this answer. I thought there must be another reason, you don’t just stop being touchy feely etc. He got really mad because

  • he feels like he’s being watched like a hawk
  • he feels completely untrusted and I can’t just take his word for things
  • He feels like I have to find an ulterior motive for everything
  • I make things escalate to levels where they don’t need to be

This then happened this morning, I said I didn’t feel heard, and then he was late for work again. He said he is generally happy but parts of our relationship are just “wasting his time” (as in making him late to things, making him lose sleep etc).

I am trying so so hard to be better. I received an adhd diagnosis; i am currently in EMDR therapy, i have tried some medications but nothing is working. I’m trying to exercise more, relieve stress etc.
But he said he can’t see an ounce of anything changing and that it’s just same thing every single time. He said the rest of the relationship is good but this part of the relationship is an ongoing problem.

I don’t want to be like this anymore. I feel so stuck and I just can’t let things go.
and it’s like a cycle; the more it happens the worse it gets. Because the more arguments we have, the more I believe he ‘can’t possibly be head over heels for me anymore and he must be lying’.

I’m trying so hard and I just don’t know what to do

OP posts:
Beautifulhaiku · 04/04/2025 14:51

Haven’t read the whole thread so not sure if anyone else has suggested this, but I would try looking up information on relationship OCD and consider if that might apply, as well as the ADHD. It sounds a lot like it to me, and that might open up other avenues for potential treatment.

WaterFallFairy · 04/04/2025 14:46

I was like this, wanted constant reassurance. Tbh you probably know the answer each time you ask, and so did I. I turned to paper, I knew the answer I knew he was going to be annoyed with me asking. So I write it down, write down the question, I write what the answer would be over and over, I write ways that he shows this. It has helped massively x

greeenscreeen · 04/04/2025 14:37

Hi @chopchop96 👋
I really feel for you. I can be exactly the same way at times, and it's such a difficult thing to live with - for you and for your partner. I also have ADHD. Are you familiar with Rejection Sensitivity Disorder? It can be a trait of ADHD. It's not included in the diagnostic criteria but it is widely recognised. Everything you have shared points towards RSD - a fear of rejection/abandonment or perceived rejection/abandonment.
Have a little Google and see what you think. I don't have any answers regarding how to deal with it, but for me just knowing what I am feeling and why my brain works in that way has helped enormously.

BuildbyNumbere · 04/04/2025 14:36

Wow, sorry but I can’t see this lasting … sounds like a lot of hard work for him.

LadyNairne · 04/04/2025 14:22

Im sorry to read tbis OP but you have to take responsibility. You are sabotaging your relationship. The “need to be heard” phrase you use has been stretched until it has lost meaning: there are limits on who hears what and when, and limits to what we say and share. You can’t demand another person listens to every passing thought in your mind. Even if they love you. And especially if hearing it on repeat puts an unfair burden on them. It’s not reasonable.

You can pay someone to listen to you though - a therapist - and perhaps that’s the best way forward.

ThisUniqueDreamer · 04/04/2025 14:15

Didshejustsaythatoutloud · 04/04/2025 14:03

You seem very self aware, that's why I'm struggling to have sympathy for you. You KNOW what you are doing, choosing your moments to make him late for work. If any of my sons was involved with you I'd be very concerned for them
Get yourself sorted because what your doing is emotional abuse..

I agree entirely. I don't even know what she's fighting. There's no enemy in this story.She's just doing this to herself.

She'll end up single and then it'll be his fault too.I bet

Didshejustsaythatoutloud · 04/04/2025 14:03

You seem very self aware, that's why I'm struggling to have sympathy for you. You KNOW what you are doing, choosing your moments to make him late for work. If any of my sons was involved with you I'd be very concerned for them
Get yourself sorted because what your doing is emotional abuse..

CarrieOnComplaining · 04/04/2025 13:54

OP - well done for being so honest about your actions within the relationship.

In truth I think you need to stop focussing on fixing the relationship and switch to fixing you.

You can't fix the relationship while you are locked in this trap of your own insecurities and fixation, and you ill be happier overall if you are not prey to your own mind.

It might in any case re-assure you Bf if he sees you getting professional help and working on it.

I have no idea what is the appropriate sort of therapy / expertise to help you but other MNers will know where to start.

Good luck

pearbottomjeans · 04/04/2025 13:46

Op, getting down to the fundamentals- relationships should be fun. It shouldn’t be this much hard work. If you’re looking for a life partner, you’d better have a good time together. You’re clearly not right together.

Slimbear · 04/04/2025 13:41

One thing that is recommended for ADHD is meditation. Many people try to meditate a couple of times and your brain is all over the place - so you decide it’s not for you. Try to meditate half an hour a day for 2weeks. I believe it will help. The other things recommended for ADHD are vigorous exercise and healthy eating.

lazyarse123 · 04/04/2025 13:35

When you say you don't feel heard it comes across that you need him to agree with you and he doesn't nor should he. Poor bloke let him go and sort yourself out.

Katemax82 · 04/04/2025 13:35

My husband is like you op, it's exhausting being on the receiving end of the Spanish inquisition every day and it grinds a person down. If I could go back and not get married I probably would

Swiftie1878 · 04/04/2025 13:34

You need to stop tormenting this poor man and let him go.
Then sort yourself out.

When you’re ready, look for a relationship. If he’s free at that time, who knows? If he’s found happiness elsewhere, that’s just the way the cookie has crumbled.

The point is, if you really like/love this guy, you have to realise that’s being in a relationship with you right now is unfair on him.

ExpatMum41 · 04/04/2025 13:32

Honestly, you sound utterly exhausting.

BobbyBiscuits · 04/04/2025 13:31

Your behaviour is unfair on him and I wouldn't tolerate it. It's abusive to manifest bad things about people in your own mind and constantly nag your partner about them. Refusing to listen to any form of reason or truth.
Frankly I'm surprised he's not legged it.
I think you need to keep working through therapy and probably be single until you've resolved these issues. At this stage it's simply not fair on another person to have to put up with it.

2men3eyebrows · 04/04/2025 13:29

OlivePeer · 04/04/2025 09:36

In your post the way you describe the conversations makes it sound like they just happen and you can't help yourself starting them. Is there any way you could try to apply some rules to yourself (e.g. if it's late at night or if it's going to make him late, wait until x time - by which time you also might have calmed down and not want the argument?). It's not the same but I have autism and have found that self-imposing rules in some areas where my natural desire is to act unreasonably has really helped with the frequency. Of course it's not always possible, but a delay instead of trying to go "cold turkey" might be more realistic and thus likely to stick.

Brilliant advice

Lurkingandlearning · 04/04/2025 13:24

It seems to me that he does understand why you behave this way and has tried to accommodate you and to an extent validate your feelings. I think he has been patient and you’ve said it is getting worse rather than improving. That is not your fault, it is the way your poor mental health is presenting. You need more therapy. Have you spoken to your doctor about this as he might prescribe medication for anxiety.

But I think you are some way off being well enough to function well in a relationship. And it seems being in a relationship is actually exacerbating your condition. The kindest thing for both of you would be to amicably end the relationship now before you end up resenting, blaming and hating each other

Findmeaplant343 · 04/04/2025 13:18

I am sorry that you are struggling so much. Feeling so much anxiety can be unbearable. Relationships do change over time but that is a good thing as you become more comfortable with each other.
I agree with other posters that you don't always need to tell your partner how you are feeling. He hasn't actually done anything wrong and can't be expected not to defend himself against your accusations so it will always turn in to an argument. Of course you need other ways to express yourself and release anxiety but you can do this in many ways such as exercise and creative hobbies, but therapy and medication will also be key.

RedHelenB · 04/04/2025 13:11

You're being emotionally abusive, going on at him so much that you're making him late for work. You need to split up, for both your sakes.

ZebedeeDougalFlorence · 04/04/2025 13:10

You poor thing. It must be so difficult to live with this deeply low self esteem. i wonder where it comes from.

You do understand I hope that it isn't fair to expect your boyfriend to "fix" you or make you feel better about yourself. Of course relationships do have that function but when you are as insecure as you seem to be it is too big an ask of the other person. Exhausting.

I agree with those who say that you may not be quite ready for a relationship at the moment and that you have to do some work on yourself first, but as you ARE in a relationship you have to start that work now. I feel it may take you a while to come to an understanding of yourself and where this insecurity comes from, but you sound young enough that you will still be able to reap the rewards it brings with more self esteem and a greater ability to trust and accept love.

InWithPeaceOutWithStress · 04/04/2025 13:09

AlertCat · 04/04/2025 11:03

HRTFT but this! Feeling it is the only way to get through it. And it may get to the point that you recognise the feeling, and you feel it, but it starts to lose its power- especially if when you feel it, you do something else: write it out, sit with it, etc- and then something else again, go for a walk or do some yoga or make some food from scratch. Something grounding. Don’t tell him about it every time- or ever. If he asks, tell him you’re feeling anxious and you’re dealing with it- but don’t make it his responsibility to make you feel better. That can only come from you.

Pp are right- he will walk away otherwise, you are making this too hard. But you can change the pattern. It’ll take time but you can do it.

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Agree with this. Counselling can help you feel safe enough to do this.

InWithPeaceOutWithStress · 04/04/2025 13:06

Therapy can definitely help with this. Are you talking about this issue with your EMDR therapist? I think it’s bad advice to tell you to leave your bf and work on yourself, as this issue will likely only come up again in a future relationship. You need to be in a relationship for it to come up. If you can find a good therapist and talk with them for 50 minutes a week about this issue they will really be able to help you get past it.

Apologise to your bf for the strain you’re putting him under and commit to seeking help for it.

uncomfortablydumb60 · 04/04/2025 13:02

I’m sorry for your struggles but it isn’t his responsibility to constantly reassure you and this outweighs the good parts of your relationship for him
After 2 years, it’s entirely reasonable he can’t see things changing
He is not your rehab centre, and you shouldn’t be putting all your thoughts( overthinking) onto him
i think you need to end it, for his sake.

pimplebum · 04/04/2025 13:02

If he was my friend I would be telling him he is in an abusive relationship and to get out

he must really really really love you to put up with half of this

if you want it to work you need urgent help with a psychiatrist and more medication , you cannot go ion like this

ByPearlSnail · 04/04/2025 12:57

SedumRoof · 04/04/2025 12:55

It’s completely irrelevant whether it was caused by childhood trauma or not. It remains the OP’s responsibility to manage, regardless of its origin. She should practice self-compassion, obviously, but also to acknowledge that if she allows this to impact her relationship, it will damage and potentially end it. And that’s not on her boyfriend.

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I don’t think I indicated anywhere in my post what you’re saying!
your reading comprehension isn’t great is it