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AIBU?

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Original poster

Bf of 2 years said we may be wasting our time. Feel sick and need some tough love

192 replies

chopchop96 · 04/04/2025 09:01

Bf and I have beeen together two years. Generally we are happy, he’s loving and kind and we have a lot of fun together.

I’ve had my fair share of struggles with mental health. And I worry a lot and I overthink every possible scenario ever.
he understands this and is generally supportive.

However this does manifest in quite a few arguments which I try so so hard to limit happening but they just do. It’s got to the point where when I act the way I do, my bf becomes more and more frustrated.

Basically I choose my own narrative and can’t see any different.
For example, I will find something that suits my narrative (eg I feel like he’s going off me) and I will fixate on that and not accept any other answer, even the ones he gives me.
Bf now sees this as I don’t trust him, and he hates not feeling believed. He says I don’t listen to him.
Quite often this takes up a lot of time; we often have these conversations late at night, before we go out, or before work. he has been late to things as a result.

Last night it happens again. We went out and I couldn’t help but think he doesn’t touch my leg or isn’t as touchy feely as before.
I tried to explain this to him and he said that relationships evolve, and that it doesn’t mean anything and he still loves me.

But of course I couldn’t take this answer. I thought there must be another reason, you don’t just stop being touchy feely etc. He got really mad because

  • he feels like he’s being watched like a hawk
  • he feels completely untrusted and I can’t just take his word for things
  • He feels like I have to find an ulterior motive for everything
  • I make things escalate to levels where they don’t need to be

This then happened this morning, I said I didn’t feel heard, and then he was late for work again. He said he is generally happy but parts of our relationship are just “wasting his time” (as in making him late to things, making him lose sleep etc).

I am trying so so hard to be better. I received an adhd diagnosis; i am currently in EMDR therapy, i have tried some medications but nothing is working. I’m trying to exercise more, relieve stress etc.
But he said he can’t see an ounce of anything changing and that it’s just same thing every single time. He said the rest of the relationship is good but this part of the relationship is an ongoing problem.

I don’t want to be like this anymore. I feel so stuck and I just can’t let things go.
and it’s like a cycle; the more it happens the worse it gets. Because the more arguments we have, the more I believe he ‘can’t possibly be head over heels for me anymore and he must be lying’.

I’m trying so hard and I just don’t know what to do

OP posts:
independentfriend · 05/04/2025 18:20

You feel what you feel. That's fine. How you behave in response to how you're feeling needs some reflection.

IMO primarily slowing everything down a bit will help. You can schedule complicated conversations about your relationship for times when you're both awake/ not hungry / not rushing anywhere so there is plenty of opportunity for you to get support from him.

From there an agreement that either of you can end / postpone a conversation that's happening at an inappropriate time will help make sure he's able to get enough sleep / isn't late for things.

None of the things you're worried about are objectively things that need to be sorted right now.

You could then do with strategies for managing yourself for when he calls time on a discussion so he can sleep. These might be things like strongly distracting things - computer / phone games you need to concentrate on or physical things like going for a walk. Have a look at DBT strategies - there are some things there for 'in the moment' responses to reduce the chance of you acting on impulse in a way you'll later regret.

laraitopbanana · 05/04/2025 18:18

Take a break. You both need it.

You can’t « keep him » afraid to loose him. He can’t « keep staying » to prove you he is there. You both literally needs the opposite the other one gives.

You need therapy and he needs to be free 👌

Vannymcvan · 05/04/2025 18:18

No relationship will work while you behave like this. It must be absolutely exhausting for him.

Laura95167 · 05/04/2025 18:14

Tbh I feel bad for him, you see the pattern and do it anyway. Therapy won't change your behaviours, it will be hard for you to behave differently but the only way this changes is if you do.

ThisBrickOtter · 05/04/2025 17:58

You're inability to regulate your emotions has made him late for work and is impacting his sleeping. Honestly it's be encouraging you to end the relationship for his sake.

Gotta be ok with yourself as part of being ready for a relationship.

BunnyLake · 05/04/2025 12:01

This is very possibly the same poster who posts very similar needy, insecure threads about long suffering bf. I wouldn’t invest too much of your time and advice to them, there must be a large virtual storage unit filled to the brim with unheeded but good advice.

AliciaSoo · 05/04/2025 08:34

chopchop96 · 04/04/2025 09:01

Bf and I have beeen together two years. Generally we are happy, he’s loving and kind and we have a lot of fun together.

I’ve had my fair share of struggles with mental health. And I worry a lot and I overthink every possible scenario ever.
he understands this and is generally supportive.

However this does manifest in quite a few arguments which I try so so hard to limit happening but they just do. It’s got to the point where when I act the way I do, my bf becomes more and more frustrated.

Basically I choose my own narrative and can’t see any different.
For example, I will find something that suits my narrative (eg I feel like he’s going off me) and I will fixate on that and not accept any other answer, even the ones he gives me.
Bf now sees this as I don’t trust him, and he hates not feeling believed. He says I don’t listen to him.
Quite often this takes up a lot of time; we often have these conversations late at night, before we go out, or before work. he has been late to things as a result.

Last night it happens again. We went out and I couldn’t help but think he doesn’t touch my leg or isn’t as touchy feely as before.
I tried to explain this to him and he said that relationships evolve, and that it doesn’t mean anything and he still loves me.

But of course I couldn’t take this answer. I thought there must be another reason, you don’t just stop being touchy feely etc. He got really mad because

  • he feels like he’s being watched like a hawk
  • he feels completely untrusted and I can’t just take his word for things
  • He feels like I have to find an ulterior motive for everything
  • I make things escalate to levels where they don’t need to be

This then happened this morning, I said I didn’t feel heard, and then he was late for work again. He said he is generally happy but parts of our relationship are just “wasting his time” (as in making him late to things, making him lose sleep etc).

I am trying so so hard to be better. I received an adhd diagnosis; i am currently in EMDR therapy, i have tried some medications but nothing is working. I’m trying to exercise more, relieve stress etc.
But he said he can’t see an ounce of anything changing and that it’s just same thing every single time. He said the rest of the relationship is good but this part of the relationship is an ongoing problem.

I don’t want to be like this anymore. I feel so stuck and I just can’t let things go.
and it’s like a cycle; the more it happens the worse it gets. Because the more arguments we have, the more I believe he ‘can’t possibly be head over heels for me anymore and he must be lying’.

I’m trying so hard and I just don’t know what to do

I don't think this is a YABU/YANBU scenario... I think you need psycotherapy, talking however frequent with a good psychologist and they can teach you methods to help you understand that not everything evolves around you.

ThisUniqueDreamer · 04/04/2025 19:31

Suzuki76 · 04/04/2025 18:46

This is bordering on abuse. If you can't stop yourself picking fights and "testing" him in secret ways he will never be able to pass (because the parameters are made up by you according to your mood) then you need to be on your own.

He doesn't even know they are tests let alone how to pass them.

Look how this guy has told her he feels:

he feels like he’s being watched like a hawk

he feels completely untrusted and I can’t just take his word for things

He feels like I have to find an ulterior motive for everything

I make things escalate to levels where they don’t need to be

That's shocking, that's unacceptable. Imagine being made to feel like that.

Suzuki76 · 04/04/2025 18:46

This is bordering on abuse. If you can't stop yourself picking fights and "testing" him in secret ways he will never be able to pass (because the parameters are made up by you according to your mood) then you need to be on your own.

Dweetfidilove · 04/04/2025 18:41

Part of me wants to empathise with you, part of me wants to shake you, but mostly I want to rescue this poor man from this hell.

This constant assault on his peace must be exhausting for him. I really think you should let him go and spend some time working on yourself. It is unfair to inflict this level of neediness and paranoia on anyone; and could be considered abusive.

Fluffypotatoe123987 · 04/04/2025 17:36

I've found concerta and 100mg sertraline has been very helpful. I couldn't even talk f2f without crying about issues before.

TheHerboriste · 04/04/2025 16:12

chopchop96 · 04/04/2025 09:28

I just feel so sad. I hate knowing I’m making him feel like this but I can’t stop. It’s never ever intentional. Plus, I just want to feel heard and sometimes I feel like he doesn’t care or validate me?

I also swear I can feel him pulling away (rightly so) and yet he swears he isnt

Well it is certainly not his job to hear you or to validate you! Whatever gave you that idea? Manage your own feelings; no one else is responsible for that. He is not your therapist.

Relaxaholic · 04/04/2025 16:05

YehThoughtSo · 04/04/2025 15:38

Another vote for CBT.

Also something I found very helpful that I learned in CBT - these thoughts are not YOU, they are just external thoughts that come and go.

At the moment they are controlling you. But if you can separate the thought from you as a person, they might get less of a grip.

To do this, you have practise observing them arriving. Say out loud: "I notice I'm having a thought about whether he doesn't love me." "I notice I'm having a thought that he hasn't touched my leg and therefore he doesn't fancy me."

Say it every single time the thought pops into your head, observe it - and then you may just find it leaves you a lot quicker than usual.

This is fantastic advice and something I will try myself. Thank you

davindersangha · 04/04/2025 16:00

Unfortunately, you are too much of a problem for him to have to deal with. It's likely he's only hanging around because he may not have other options. If I was him I'd be long gone, or at least switched out.

WhycantIkeepthisbloodyplantalive · 04/04/2025 16:00

He probably is pulling away, not because he doesn't love you, likely because he's responding to an unpleasant situation. Most people cannot be bullied into being more affectionate and loving, it tends to the opposite affect in response.

I imagine this is very hard for you and I fully believe it is not intentional, but you need to learn some effective communication skills within the relationship-fast If you hope to continue together. You really need to try modelling the behaviour you would like to receive, instead of creating arguements about why it's not happening.

PiastriThePastry · 04/04/2025 15:50

Ryanstartedthefire22 · 04/04/2025 10:35

I actually think what you are doing - nagging him about imagined situations to the point he's late for work - is abusive and I'd be advising him to break up for his own mental health.

Agreed. You may not believe it’s intentional and you can go on about needing to heard and validated all you want, but when you’re spouting absolute nonsense and haranguing him to this extent, he certainly has no obligation to validate your feelings. Your mental state is such that you shouldn’t be in a relationship I’m afraid, it’s unfair and cruel to your partner.

Pluvia · 04/04/2025 15:43

Sounds as if you need to focus on your MH and work hard at breaking this toxic cycle before trying to maintain a serious relationship, OP. Relationships often have a sell-by date. You spend a year or two together, the initial chemical rush wears off and you're left with the fact that you're not fundamentally a good match.

It sounds as if he's been patient and understanding and things haven't got any easier. For both of you, in the long run, it may be best to split. I know I couldn't live happily with someone behaving in the way you describe.

ColinOfficeTrolley · 04/04/2025 15:42

What's the saying 'if you love him, let him go'

YehThoughtSo · 04/04/2025 15:38

Another vote for CBT.

Also something I found very helpful that I learned in CBT - these thoughts are not YOU, they are just external thoughts that come and go.

At the moment they are controlling you. But if you can separate the thought from you as a person, they might get less of a grip.

To do this, you have practise observing them arriving. Say out loud: "I notice I'm having a thought about whether he doesn't love me." "I notice I'm having a thought that he hasn't touched my leg and therefore he doesn't fancy me."

Say it every single time the thought pops into your head, observe it - and then you may just find it leaves you a lot quicker than usual.

Butchyrestingface · 04/04/2025 15:33

I don’t want to be like this anymore. I feel so stuck and I just can’t let things go.
and it’s like a cycle; the more it happens the worse it gets. Because the more arguments we have, the more I believe he ‘can’t possibly be head over heels for me anymore and he must be lying’.

I think if you truly love this bloke, you should let him go and let him find happiness. I don't think you should be in a relationship with anyone for the time being.

But if. you're unwilling/unable to do so, can't you write all these intrusive thoughts in a diary rather than subject him to this constant harassment?

TheHerboriste · 04/04/2025 15:26

My mother was like this and it adversely affected our lives in so many ways. She's been dead for 20 years and it's still reverberating in a negative way.

You need a professional therapist, not a boyfriend. It's extremely unfair to use another human being the way you are using him. Dumping your anxieties and imaginary notions on him is disturbing. Abusive, I would say. I hope he runs for the hills.

Sorry that you are suffering but relaying that suffering to an innocent bystander to make yourself feel better is not on. Seek help urgently and let him go. You are not in the right place for a relationship.

Chungai · 04/04/2025 15:15

Sounds like you are rejection sensitive and expecting him to solve your problems.

And your impulsivity means your saying everything that comes into your head.

It's your problem not his to solve I'm afraid. Stop making it his problem.

You might also be getting a dopamine hit from creating these dramas at awkward times.

Recognising what's behind these behaviours is probably important to finding techniques you can use to manage / stop them.

Switcher · 04/04/2025 15:13

I think if he was posting his pov, or if you were a man, the responses would be about the manipulative and narcissistic traits in this behaviour. It's all very "I didn't mean to" "I can't control myself", "it's because I love you so much", "I just need you to behave in ways that validate me". It's really unhealthy and a bit shocking the way it's written as if you are the victim. He is...

BlondeMummyto1 · 04/04/2025 15:10

He needs to leave you and you need help to work through why you feel like that.

If a man was like that with you we would say run.

Nutmeg1204 · 04/04/2025 14:55

This sounds very hard for both of you. It does sound like you need to work on yourself outside of your relationship more

You can’t fixate on one aspect of your life like that because what happens if it ends?

Do you have hobbies / friends outside of your relationship you focus on too