To think maternity leave is supposed to be enjoyable?

Can you do split shifts at night? A fantastic partner wouldn't let you take all the brunt of the exhaustion.

Up until 6 months is survival, then however much longer you’ve managed to take off you can enjoy. 0-3 months is the worst of it, you’re nearly through! It’s definitely not a holiday… there’s a reason people need the leave, caring for a newborn is several full time jobs in one. I always heard people say oh work’s a break, I look forward to Mondays, and thought really?! But… yeah, it’s true!

My dad gave me the best advice which was to not spend all day thinking about how much sleep I did / didn't get the night before. I couldn't change it and I would feel more stressed just thinking about it. Some nights will be awful and that's just how it goes with a baby!

My friend gave me the next useful advice which is to eat and drink plenty to help with recovery from pregnancy/ birth and give you good energy for the sleep deprivation and breastfeeding.

I found having a morning walk from 10 weeks, rain or shine, sleep or no sleep, absolutely saved me. Baby in either buggy or carrier, earphones in, listening to Parenting Hell or some other fun and chatty podcast.

Maternity leave isn't a holiday, OP. The govt wouldn't have introduced it if it wasn't absolutely essential.

It is to recover from the physical trauma of birth and then to get your baby in to a routine that allows you to regain your equilibrium, get enough sleep regularly, allow your hormone levels to settle down. Hopefully get your child to the point you can leave her.

I was miserable for the first three months of maternity leave. Then I realised I hated mum&baby groups and I was feeling captive. I bought a sling, and me & ds went hiking. It was summer, and we hiked the ridgeway. DS got used to having his nappy changed on the edge of a corn field.

I think you need to give yourself time, and then organise your maternity leave to suit you. Don't assume all maternity leaves have to be the same.

What about the baby's needs in this?

Try your best to enjoy it, it goes too fast.
I started having naps a few times a week with baby. Yes, my house was an absolute state, but I felt happier and could deal with more when I'd had a nap.
Baby classes are great. Excellent that you're getting out each day.

Ah see most of my friends were shift workers. Same as I was before ML. So not restricted with loads of 9- 5 friends. My OH was also away on a tour of duty when the eldest was small And I did go out after 7pm as I was fortunate enough to have a very keen MIL.

I think went back to work at 13 weeks with the first and 20 weeks with the second ( worked round 3rd from 3 weeks as self employed) so less time to be baby orientated constantly

Surely the real purpose of maternity leave is to give you time to adjust to having a new baby, and to know you have a job to go back to.

Hopefully some part of being at home with your new born will be enjoyable.

Honestly what you've described is really normal so don't feel alone. The anxiety about whether baby will cry when you're out is totally understandable, but I can promise you the sound of your baby crying won't bother or stress anyone else out as much as it does you. Think about when you've been out and seen babies crying before, has it ever really bothered you that much and have you judged the mother? Probably not! I found making a couple of good friends with babies of a similar age was a game changer. Now the weather is better even if you can meet in a park for a walk a few times a week and have a chat about how the night has been you will find it a huge support. I actually made really good friends with a couple of other mums I found on the peanut app, so you could try that too, as it helps you find people who live locally. You're doing brilliantly 🥰

It does get better OP! You’re just in the trenches right now. Hormones still adjusting, sleep deprived and as a first time mum questioning everything you’re doing.

My DS would never sleep, I would have to walk him out and about in his pram twice a day as it was the only way - I just thought of a baby is tired they will sleep but quickly realised that wasn’t the case for mine. I breastfed so I was doing all the night wakings with help from DH. It was exhausting.

I said to my friends the other day that if expectant mums were told the nitty gritty reality about what it is actually like having a baby, it would probably be quite upsetting. Society pushes the narrative of it being this blissful time where you have the perfect baby. Don’t get me wrong, there are beautiful moments but it is bloody hard work.

Please be kind to yourself. It will gradually get better, there will be bigger chunks of your maternity leave where genuinely will enjoy it. The more you bathe, change nappies, get out and about the more it becomes second nature. You find your groove with stuff.

You said you don’t like to ask for help because you feel it is your job, I honestly would encourage you to ask for a bit of help. My mum would come over in the morning for an hour or take the baby for a walk. Getting a shower/popping some washing in, having a lie down by myself, just having that little bit time was so helpful

For me the meeting other mums was because I really enjoyed taking my DCs somewhere to play and having other people to chat to. I've done lockdown mat leave and that was hellish.

I felt exactly the same! It is monotonous and it doesn’t help when exhausted! It does get easier as they get older!

I’d honestly take the ‘when it gets more enjoyable’ timeline with a pinch of salt. I was asking the same question when mine was an infant and people would say at xyz months. I’d look forward to that and when the time came the improvement is was underwhelming (and something else exhausting would crop up). But overall I never thought those frost years were meant to be ‘enjoyable’ - it’s a slog with intermittent patches of relief/ joy here and there.
ETa: I had lots of support the first year - partner, family and paid support.

Another reason why maternity leave should be reduced to 6 months. It's not for everyone and yes you could go back to work but it would be expensive if you don't have free childcare. I would recommend getting some childcare for a couple of afternoons a week. Get some time to yourself.

@Gogogo12345 oh and also ALL my friends were working and the only times they were available were after 7pm. Not feasible when you have a small baby. Yes, I did brunches at the weekend but that's one day a week realistically, you need someone to talk to Mon - Friday too. Other women on mat leave are the only ones available!

@Gogogo12345 As someone who had zero friends with kids, making mum friends was a lifeline. None of my friends understood the sleep deprivation, the worries, the good bits, anything. They had zero in common. They were sending me links to a girly vacation in the Caribbean for when my baby was 3 months old. I was living a completely parallel life to my friends. And frankly, I didn't give a shit about their workout routines or office gossip.

A good friend of mine came by when my baby was 4 weeks old. DH and I had gotten zero sleep as baby was screaming all night. You know what she said? Yeah, sleep deprivation is the worst, i didn't manage to go to sleep until midnight last night. LOL. I love her and we're still friends but she really didn't get it.

Friendships bounced back quickly but you really do need people to connect with and talk about your day. And also to learn things, other mums tell you about this and that baby class, or what weaning book they used etc.

I don't think people are obsessing.
I found if I wanted to feel like "me" I would seek out my current friends, but most of them were working during the day and I think it would really have benefitted me to meet with other first time Mums who knew exactly what I was experiencing for the first time. I did ask the HV if there was anyone in my village who'd just had a baby and she told there was someone but that she didn't think we'd get on. Odd. That child was most likely in DS1's class at school and I probably know the Mum and have always wondered who it was!

What's the obsession with making friends with other Mums? If I was was spending all my time with a baby and craved adult company the last think I'd want is other women rambling on about their kids

My DD felt the same with her first. Just hated it. Enjoyed her baby much more once she returned to work at 4.5 months

Your experience is very normal! With my first, I found most of the first year really, really hard. With my second, I had a dreamy 1-2 months and 4-5 months were AWFUL as I was getting almost no sleep. She's now 7.5 months and we're having a lovely time! I'm sure it will get a bit shit again at some point =D I've found it helpful to have a piece of paper on my noticeboard with a list of drop in baby classes / church groups etc etc and then, depending on how my day is going and how I'm feeling, I can pop along to something if I want to. I found booking a block of baby classes in advance awful, because of the stress of trying to get out at a particular time. I'd also really watch out for certain mums... A few I met with first child were so mean to me and all they talked about was how easy it was and how confused they were about how difficult I was finding it... And then my husband told me one of their husbands told him his wife was crying all the time as she felt she was getting everything wrong! It took me awhile, but I've found a really lovely group of mum friends who are kind and realistic about the joys - and challenges! - of children.