Dad allowed daughter to pierce her nose without my knowledge.

ByGladCat · 2025-04-03T22:02:39+00:00

Please help. My 17 year old daughter had her nose pierced without telling me. She knew I wouldn't like it and she said I would have talked her out of having it done. However, I have now discovered that my husband, her Dad, knew she was going to get it done and he didn't tell me. Should I be upset with both of them or just try and forget it. She is nearly an adult I know. I am just so upset that this has all happened behind my back.... AIBU?

StevesSleeve · 04/04/2025 17:39

So after all, there is no problem at all.

She makes her own decisions, she’s very mature, she went somewhere reputable, her father knew, no medical issues were triggered by the piercing.

SocksPants · 04/04/2025 17:20

You can pick your friends and you can pick your nose but you can't pick your friends nose... or something like that

PenneyFouryourthoughts · 04/04/2025 17:17

I think if your daughter is sensible and mature for her age your fear at wear she's getting her piercings done is mostly unfounded. My daughter researches her places to the nth degree, because kids can do that with the internet, not like me at the same age just taking word-of mouth as gospel. Your complaint is groundless.

mydogfarts · 04/04/2025 16:33

ByGladCat · 04/04/2025 13:08

Thank you to all of those people that took the time to respond with kind, thoughtful, intelligent, and compassionate comments.

It appears some replies have imagined elements to my relationship with my daughter and husband that perhaps reflects more on their life experience, than the details in my post. For example, there was no mention of me shouting and screaming, coercion or refusing permission, or there being a lack of trust, in my post.

Suggestions that I am controlling or overbearing are rather unkind and without foundation.

I am thankful that my daughter values my opinion on many issues and we have a great relationship. We trust each other. She simply said on this occasion that she knows we have different views on a nose piercing and thought I would advise against it on medical grounds and convince her of that if she had informed me of her intention.

My upset was as a result of the fact it was done before I knew about it. If she decided that she was going to have it done then I would like to have been sure it was done somewhere reputable and safe. As it happens she did go somewhere safe and she is pleased with the result. She is a very mature woman with a mind of her own and is confident and capable.

My faith in this section of Mumsnet is a little shaken because of some of the more extreme comments. However, as I said before, I am grateful to those that have taken the time to respond with useful and considered replies.

Then why the initial upset from you? If she's mature etc why does she need to consult with you?

I think there's always room for reflection in any relationship and her comfort in telling her dad not you should give you pause for thought. It doesn't mean you are a terrible parent, but you might need a bit of a reset in terms of how you talk to her

GreyCarpet · 04/04/2025 16:20

My daughter has her nose pierced, several ear piercings (including helix and tragus) and a navel piercing.

I'm not too keen on the latter bit it's nothing to do with me. She had them done at 16/17 and is now 18. She also has half a dozen (really nice) tattoos.

Her body; her choice. Not up to you anymore.

thisisfrommathilda · 04/04/2025 16:03

Christ Almighty I thought she was about 9! Cop on OP.

Chipsahoy · 04/04/2025 15:16

Well I’d be upset. I’d be upset with myself that my child had to hide something from me because they didn’t trust me.

Shes 17. It’s her body.

Notimeforaname · 04/04/2025 15:01

She is a very mature woman with a mind of her own and is confident and capable.

So treat her like one.

zeibesaffron · 04/04/2025 14:58

You carry on acting like this and she won’t tell you anything going forward- it doesn’t matter if you like it or not, she is old enough to have it done and is nearly an adult.

There is a reason she didn’t tell you - I think thats where you need to reflect.

There are much worse things she could be doing than having a small piercing.

theressomanytinafeysicouldbe · 04/04/2025 14:32

She's 17, i doubt you would have talked her out of it. I never told my parents I was getting tattoos but no matter what they would have said i would have got them anyway. (Yes I made some bad choices 30 years ago and I get to see all 10 of them every day in the mirror) 😂

Concretejungle1 · 04/04/2025 14:16

Why does she need to discuss what she does with her own face though op?
it’s her face.
i’m sorry you’re upset but she’s an adult now.
have a think why it’s upset you that she didn’t talk it with you, and why she couldn’t just do it.

FMc208 · 04/04/2025 14:13

ByGladCat · 04/04/2025 13:08

Thank you to all of those people that took the time to respond with kind, thoughtful, intelligent, and compassionate comments.

It appears some replies have imagined elements to my relationship with my daughter and husband that perhaps reflects more on their life experience, than the details in my post. For example, there was no mention of me shouting and screaming, coercion or refusing permission, or there being a lack of trust, in my post.

Suggestions that I am controlling or overbearing are rather unkind and without foundation.

I am thankful that my daughter values my opinion on many issues and we have a great relationship. We trust each other. She simply said on this occasion that she knows we have different views on a nose piercing and thought I would advise against it on medical grounds and convince her of that if she had informed me of her intention.

My upset was as a result of the fact it was done before I knew about it. If she decided that she was going to have it done then I would like to have been sure it was done somewhere reputable and safe. As it happens she did go somewhere safe and she is pleased with the result. She is a very mature woman with a mind of her own and is confident and capable.

My faith in this section of Mumsnet is a little shaken because of some of the more extreme comments. However, as I said before, I am grateful to those that have taken the time to respond with useful and considered replies.

She’s SEVENTEEN! Seventeen!

Even in your update, despite calling her a mature woman, you’re talking as if she’s 6!

MummaMummaMumma · 04/04/2025 14:10

I was assuming she was very young.
You clearly don't approve, so she did it without telling you. Not up to dad to break her confidence and tell you himself. What could you have done anyway?
She's almost an adult.

NerrSnerr · 04/04/2025 14:08

If she is mature, confident and capable you need to treat her that way. You need to ask yourself why she told her dad and not you. She won't tell you at all if she gets any tattoos or piercings that are not obvious.

outerspacepotato · 04/04/2025 14:04

This is one for you to drop. You're upset because she did something you didn't like with her body and that's where controlling comes in. She's 17 and has body autonomy. I took my kids when they wanted their first piercings as teens, they wanted me there, and I made sure they were doing their aftercare.

isthesolution · 04/04/2025 13:57

Let it go. Neither of them have done anything wrong. And it isn’t worth being annoyed over such a little thing.

MeliusMoriQuamServire · 04/04/2025 13:52

'I am thankful that my daughter values my opinion on many issues and we have a great relationship. We trust each other. She simply said on this occasion that she knows we have different views on a nose piercing and thought I would advise against it on medical grounds and convince her of that if she had informed me of her intention.
My upset was as a result of the fact it was done before I knew about it. If she decided that she was going to have it done then I would like to have been sure it was done somewhere reputable and safe. As it happens she did go somewhere safe and she is pleased with the result. She is a very mature woman with a mind of her own and is confident and capable.'

See, I'd have a problem with this. This young woman is almost an adult. Why does she have to 'discuss' her choices about her own appearance with you? I have some piercings and tattoos. You bet I didn't discuss them with my mother and/or informed her about it. First of all, it's not her business. Secondly, I don't care what she thinks, whether she likes tattoos or not. Thirdly, I want it. ME. On my body. I don't need to inform anyone or listen to anyone's views/reasons/them trying to talk me out of it. It's enough that I like it and want it done.

I got my nose piercing at 13. Mother didn't like it and went nuts. Dragged my dad to the room to show it to him. Dad looked at me, said 'nice', end of story. Guess which one of them knows more about my life now.

As for researching safe and not safe - she's 17 and as you say - not an idiot. She doesn't need mummy guide her by her hand. She's smart and capable as you say and can perfectly do it herself.

Coffeeishot · 04/04/2025 13:41

Reading your reply to everyone you come over as a bit intense and over analyse things, maybe the kid just wanted to get it done without analysing it, just a thought.

Staringatthestars · 04/04/2025 13:35

I'd be looking a little closer to home (you) and work out why your daughter can't talk to you.

She's clearly feeling more comfortable to talk with her dad. You need to ask yourself why.

Dramatic · 04/04/2025 13:33

ByGladCat · 04/04/2025 13:08

Thank you to all of those people that took the time to respond with kind, thoughtful, intelligent, and compassionate comments.

It appears some replies have imagined elements to my relationship with my daughter and husband that perhaps reflects more on their life experience, than the details in my post. For example, there was no mention of me shouting and screaming, coercion or refusing permission, or there being a lack of trust, in my post.

Suggestions that I am controlling or overbearing are rather unkind and without foundation.

I am thankful that my daughter values my opinion on many issues and we have a great relationship. We trust each other. She simply said on this occasion that she knows we have different views on a nose piercing and thought I would advise against it on medical grounds and convince her of that if she had informed me of her intention.

My upset was as a result of the fact it was done before I knew about it. If she decided that she was going to have it done then I would like to have been sure it was done somewhere reputable and safe. As it happens she did go somewhere safe and she is pleased with the result. She is a very mature woman with a mind of her own and is confident and capable.

My faith in this section of Mumsnet is a little shaken because of some of the more extreme comments. However, as I said before, I am grateful to those that have taken the time to respond with useful and considered replies.

But why do you need to know about it? My daughter came home with two of her piercings without telling me she was going to get them, all I said was "oh they're nice" and got on with my day

Dramatic · 04/04/2025 13:30

PenneyFouryourthoughts · 03/04/2025 23:43

I don't the tattoo my DD got five minutes past her 18th birthday but what can I do? She tried nose piercings which actually looked quite nice but they closed up. Anything past the age of 16 I've bit my tongue as regards her appearance because it's her body, her choice. At 17, your DD can do what she likes unless it's illegal!

This. My daughter is 17 and since being 16 she's had her nose done on each side, her belly button done and her tongue. I wouldn't have chosen for her to have any of them but she's old enough to make her own choices, she's getting a tattoo the weekend of her 18th and I'll probably end up going with her. I've only ever had my ears pierced so it's all new to me but who am I to tell her no when she's an adult?

WeeOrcadian · 04/04/2025 13:24

YABVU

I had my first TATTOO at 16

Get over yourself, she's 17, almost old enough to bloody vote

CaptainMyCaptain · 04/04/2025 13:21

AlanShore · 04/04/2025 13:11

But you are being controlling. How do you know that she didn't research where she was going to get it done?

She is a very mature woman with a mind of her own and is confident and capable.
So let her be one

Agree.

Acedth · 04/04/2025 13:21

bringonyourwreckingball · 03/04/2025 23:21

Oh ffs she is 17. And she already doesn’t think you support her life choices if she didn’t tell you (not ask you) first. My dd had hers done at 16. I wasn’t keen but it was her choice, it’s eminently reversible and we looked up a reputable place together and I went with her. She is now 19, I can’t actually imagine her without the piercing but more importantly she knows she can tell me anything and I won’t freak out. And when I found out her father was cheating on me I had mine done too and she held my hand.

This just made me well up ❤️ what a lovely bond the two of you clearly have. Sorry you had to deal with that though

Coffeeishot · 04/04/2025 13:15

I don't think any poster replied because of "their own life experience " at all but replying as women and mothers who could see this wasn't the biggest deal and I see no "unkind" posts, bottom line though your daughter in this instance trusted her dad more than you that is why she told him and not you.