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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think his relationship with male friend is dodgy?

35 replies

AveryBoringUsername · 03/04/2025 22:05

It's long because I want to give full context, if you get to the end then thank you! I've NC.

I've been seeing somebody for a while but haven't met this friend of his who he spends a fair bit of time with. The friend lives opposite a family member of his which is how they met. The friend is in his 50's and gay, my boyfriend is in his thirties and straight, as far as he says.

I was at his house this evening, a spontaneous visit we planned last minute. Whilst I'm there the friend was calling and texting him wanting to come round. BF told him he had some workmen coming so it wasn't a good time. Apparently he'd been asking to come since the morning.

BF eventually calls him back and puts him on speakerphone whilst pottering about. The friend cracked a joke which made me laugh, at which point the friends tone changes and he says "well I see you've got company, bye then"

BF says I'm his neighbour (?!) and the friend hangs up.

Immediately I'm thinking what the fuck? I asked why he told him I was his neighbour and his response was that he didn't want the guy to think he was "bombing him out" for somebody else, as he'd been asking to come round and he'd been fobbing him off about having workmen coming as he couldn't be bothered hosting.

I probe a little bit and find out two things;

  1. This friend had advised him to dump me a few months ago. (I was newly single after a long term relationship and he knows my ex personally, so a bit awkward perhaps but by no means inappropriate. His friend said it wasn't fair towards my ex - who knew I'd moved on and funnily enough was fine with it)

  2. He had borrowed just under £2,000 from this friend to complete a project on the house, and the friend has done him other favours.

The first thing my mind went to was that the friend has some sort of crush on him and worst case scenario but god forbid - BF enables and encourages it because he benefits from the friendship.

I 'jokingly' (half seriously) asked whether he thinks his friend might see him as more than a friend hence being arsey when he hears a woman in the background.

He said no he hasn't and added "we don't banter like that but I've told him straight anyway not to try any of that stuff with me"

Why would he need to 'tell him straight' if there has never been any weirdness?

My mind goes back to few months ago when he mentioned this bloke. He raised the fact that he's gay and how he 'has a laugh' with him but he knows not to 'try anything funny'

As an aside, sex with him is quite robotic. He barely touches me when we DTD, no oral or foreplay from him at all. I put it down to him being shy and inexperienced but now I'm wondering if there is more to it.

Am I losing the plot or paranoid?

What would you be thinking?

OP posts:
AveryBoringUsername · 03/04/2025 22:25

It's all just a bit weird isn't it!

Another thing I considered was that BF might have been talking badly of me for some reason, and told him he'd taken the advice to dump me, hence not wanting him to know we were still together as then he'd look bad himself.

..but why would he do that either?

OP posts:
HelloMyNameIsElderSmurf · 03/04/2025 22:25

I think your first instinct is completely correct.

UserSchmoozer33 · 03/04/2025 22:20

This has similar vibes to Tiger King. I wouldn't get myself involved in that type of relationship!

Nutmuncher · 03/04/2025 22:17

The friend seems pretty dramatic regardless, as for the bf could it be he’s used you as an excuse in his sob story to borrow the money?

BellissimoGecko · 03/04/2025 22:17

the shitty sex would be enough for me to dump him 🤷🏼‍♀️

but it sounds as if there is more going on between them. Don’t believe your bf’s explanation for you being there. How rude!

AveryBoringUsername · 03/04/2025 22:14

ChickenBananas · 03/04/2025 22:13

He feels he has to creep around appeasing this guy cos he owes him a substantial amount of money

I thought the same too, then wondered why that would extend as far as him not wanting him to know he was seeing me 😬

OP posts:
Ace56 · 03/04/2025 22:14

Sounds fishy to me. Your bf doesn’t want the friend to know that you’re around (maybe that you’re still together?) and the friend is calling/texting all the time? Yeah, I think he may be more than a friend.

AveryBoringUsername · 03/04/2025 22:13

Samora · 03/04/2025 22:12

Maybe his friend is being protective of your bf, either screening you or outright believing they you're not suitable for his friend. It happens with men, not wanting to lose their friends to women they don't deem suitable. Probably overthinking it.

Thank you this is a reasonable suggestion, that's certainly possible.

OP posts:
ChickenBananas · 03/04/2025 22:13

He feels he has to creep around appeasing this guy cos he owes him a substantial amount of money

Samora · 03/04/2025 22:12

Maybe his friend is being protective of your bf, either screening you or outright believing they you're not suitable for his friend. It happens with men, not wanting to lose their friends to women they don't deem suitable. Probably overthinking it.