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AIBU?

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To think his relationship with male friend is dodgy?

35 replies

AveryBoringUsername · 03/04/2025 22:05

It's long because I want to give full context, if you get to the end then thank you! I've NC.

I've been seeing somebody for a while but haven't met this friend of his who he spends a fair bit of time with. The friend lives opposite a family member of his which is how they met. The friend is in his 50's and gay, my boyfriend is in his thirties and straight, as far as he says.

I was at his house this evening, a spontaneous visit we planned last minute. Whilst I'm there the friend was calling and texting him wanting to come round. BF told him he had some workmen coming so it wasn't a good time. Apparently he'd been asking to come since the morning.

BF eventually calls him back and puts him on speakerphone whilst pottering about. The friend cracked a joke which made me laugh, at which point the friends tone changes and he says "well I see you've got company, bye then"

BF says I'm his neighbour (?!) and the friend hangs up.

Immediately I'm thinking what the fuck? I asked why he told him I was his neighbour and his response was that he didn't want the guy to think he was "bombing him out" for somebody else, as he'd been asking to come round and he'd been fobbing him off about having workmen coming as he couldn't be bothered hosting.

I probe a little bit and find out two things;

  1. This friend had advised him to dump me a few months ago. (I was newly single after a long term relationship and he knows my ex personally, so a bit awkward perhaps but by no means inappropriate. His friend said it wasn't fair towards my ex - who knew I'd moved on and funnily enough was fine with it)

  2. He had borrowed just under £2,000 from this friend to complete a project on the house, and the friend has done him other favours.

The first thing my mind went to was that the friend has some sort of crush on him and worst case scenario but god forbid - BF enables and encourages it because he benefits from the friendship.

I 'jokingly' (half seriously) asked whether he thinks his friend might see him as more than a friend hence being arsey when he hears a woman in the background.

He said no he hasn't and added "we don't banter like that but I've told him straight anyway not to try any of that stuff with me"

Why would he need to 'tell him straight' if there has never been any weirdness?

My mind goes back to few months ago when he mentioned this bloke. He raised the fact that he's gay and how he 'has a laugh' with him but he knows not to 'try anything funny'

As an aside, sex with him is quite robotic. He barely touches me when we DTD, no oral or foreplay from him at all. I put it down to him being shy and inexperienced but now I'm wondering if there is more to it.

Am I losing the plot or paranoid?

What would you be thinking?

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Letmecallyouback · 04/04/2025 21:52

Maybe he’s just a bit rubbish in bed, it happens. As for the friend it’s a weird dynamic that only they can explain. And neither of them seem to want to.

Guinessandafire · 04/04/2025 21:21

Something very dysfunctional about his friendship.

Your partner could be gay but in denial, hence the crap sex and juvenile attitude to 'funny business'.

His friend knows this, and finds it frustrating as he can see a potential relationship with your partner happening if he would only admit his true sexuality.

Sounds like your ending it anyway, definitely for the best.

Mickeychampionwhatgoodami · 04/04/2025 18:54

Could he be gay for the pay?IE loan's of money etc.

HelloMyNameIsElderSmurf · 04/04/2025 18:53

Who's he going on holiday with OP?

Mickeychampionwhatgoodami · 04/04/2025 17:08

Still a rat.

AveryBoringUsername · 04/04/2025 13:21

I think it might be over already to be honest. We didn't part on the best terms yesterday and I haven't heard from him today. He's going on holiday for a fortnight, leaving tomorrow.

I did make clear that I found the whole thing very bizarre when I left yesterday.

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Bbq1 · 04/04/2025 13:11

AveryBoringUsername · 04/04/2025 01:19

He's the only friend he's hiding me from too. All of his family and every other friend I've become acquainted with are all very friendly and welcoming so I know it can't be a me problem.

It's so weird, Op, so msny red flags. He told this guy that you were a neighbour?! Wtf? He's definitely in a relationship with this guy and/or stringing him along for money. Either way, it's a no no. I think you should broach it outright with him or just finish it, telling him why.

OldCottageGreenhouse · 04/04/2025 11:23

Yeah your boyfriend has zero ethics. Not only that but he also finds lying wayyyy too easy. Too easy for me

AveryBoringUsername · 04/04/2025 07:28

That's a good idea.

I was surprised he was so against him coming round yesterday as my original position was that it would be nice to meet him, seeing as he's such a good friend and all.

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Mercurysinretrograde · 04/04/2025 06:41

I think your boyfriend is in a relationship with this guy. The robotic sex and the fact that you are his “neighbour” says it all. Insist on inviting the friend to dinner at BF’s house. If Bf refuses, you have your answer.

RickiRaccoon · 04/04/2025 03:53

I think your BF is sort of stringing the guy along to get money and favours from him. They both know it's not going anywhere but the older guy is secretly hopeful. Your BF at least wasn't too worried about putting the speaker phone on with you listening so I'd say there's nothing too secret/dodgy going on.

AveryBoringUsername · 04/04/2025 01:19

He's the only friend he's hiding me from too. All of his family and every other friend I've become acquainted with are all very friendly and welcoming so I know it can't be a me problem.

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Ooral · 03/04/2025 23:40

I can hear the closet doors creaking.... run a mile.

ShrubLover · 03/04/2025 23:13

He borrows large amounts of money from a 'friend', he's keeping you hidden and the sex is crap. Honestly I would consider some counselling as to why on earth you think you 'really like him' and why you think you are worthy of this low bar.

AveryBoringUsername · 03/04/2025 23:02

My gut feeling has been echoing everything that is being said here, I think I just needed to hear it from somebody else to know it isn't just me over thinking things.

Both the sex and the strange friendship.

Thank you 😔

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Mickeychampionwhatgoodami · 03/04/2025 22:58

Personally I'd ditch the drama,I don't know how you could be bothered with it all.

RedHelenB · 03/04/2025 22:57

If he's selfish regarding sex so early on, he doesn't really rate you and think it worth his while to try to satisfy you. I know what I'd do in your situation.

Thestarsinthesky · 03/04/2025 22:43

Personally so much of this screams alarm bells. He borrowed money from him, he is willing to lie (saying you’re the neighbour) the shit sex …it just doesn’t seem right … run!

neilyoungismyhero · 03/04/2025 22:43

He's pretending you're just a neighbour.
The sex is rubbish - you get nothing from it.
He sounds immature telling you about the 'no funny business' conversation.
He owes the bloke money plus favours.
I'd bin this one it's not going to improve.

BlondeMummyto1 · 03/04/2025 22:39

You’re a secret. Why?
And the sex is shit.

Leave them to whatever is going on with them.

AveryBoringUsername · 03/04/2025 22:38

Canterranter · 03/04/2025 22:36

Too much aggro for a new relationship, and the sex is rubbish. Why are you bothering?

I'm wondering the same.

It's a shame because I like him a lot 😔

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Canterranter · 03/04/2025 22:36

Too much aggro for a new relationship, and the sex is rubbish. Why are you bothering?

AveryBoringUsername · 03/04/2025 22:33

ChickenBananas · 03/04/2025 22:29

I mean personally I'd bin him off for the rubbish sex. Life's too short for this weirdness.

It is something that bothers me, not so much at the start as everything was all brand new and exciting but as things have progressed it has become the elephant in the room (for me) as I've started to think long term.

I have asked him what it's about and he seemed uncomfortable, he said "I don't know, I just have to be in the mood for it"

Cheers then!

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ChickenBananas · 03/04/2025 22:29

AveryBoringUsername · 03/04/2025 22:14

I thought the same too, then wondered why that would extend as far as him not wanting him to know he was seeing me 😬

I mean personally I'd bin him off for the rubbish sex. Life's too short for this weirdness.

AveryBoringUsername · 03/04/2025 22:27

I'm so relieved that other people would be finding it strange aswell. I've been going back and forth with myself about it since I got home 😩

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