Friends daughter(16) ruined designer dress

Your friend should of course pay for the dress. However, if she doesn't, you need to reimburse your DSD yourself because it was your friend and you asked your DSD. Surely this is obvious?

Sorry I think it’s on you , you put your stepdaughter in awkward position by asking her to lend to your friends daughter . That’s not fair , if you aren’t going to ask friend for money I’d cover it yourself and not ask her to give her things to your friends again .

There's a chunk of horrible diet culture in the background here.

The 16 year old probably didn't want to try it on (?with an audience) because she suspected it would be a tight fit and didn't want to be embarrassed or have people comment adversely on her body. She presumably then didn't have an alternative for the event so somehow thought squeezing in and stretching it would be ok or was her least worst option. And presumably also her parents didn't notice that the dress wasn't fitting properly and couldn't prompt her to change.

So with future dresses your step daughter is considering lending it makes sense to be clear to people that designer sizing isn't the same as high street sizing so things may be smaller than they're expecting. It will help if she can offer a choice of dress. She's probably going to have to be explicit with people that stretching the fabric to squeeze in will damage these dresses (it isn't obvious if you'd do that to your own clothes without a thought expecting the dress to give a bit and mould to your body. It's also not obvious if this is a very different style of clothing to what you usually wear). It's also going to be useful for her to provide low stakes ways of declining if nothing fits well - "no worries if there's nothing you like, I've got some unusual tastes that aren't to everyone's liking" Or "some of them are for tall people, so the hems might fall at a bad length for you" or similar.

Diet culture isn't your step daughter's fault but it will be influencing all interactions involving trying on clothes that might not fit and managing the situation when they don't.

I think the 16 year old's parents have some responsibility for the dress being stretched even if the other damage is accidental from being at a party.

There's maybe something there for your step daughter to consider - which events she's happy to lend dresses for.

Your SD has been really badly treated but it sounds unlikely that your friend will resolve it. I’d keep the SD (who sounds really delightful) but ditch the friend (who is a user with no sense of right or wrong)!! It’s a hard lesson to learn but hopefully your lovely SD has learned something.

It's a no to the prom dress obviously, based on her treatment of this dress. I'd show your friend the damage to the dress, and ask if she'd pay a repair bill or half what it cost. See what she says. You need to stop agreeing to lend out things that do not belong to you. Hopefully you'll talk to your friend, as she is responsible for her daughter. Because she was the one asking for several dresses.

Why are you living with your partner and his daughter when they're horrible to your son?

Wow sorry that happened to your DSD. I'd like to say I can't believe that by my DSD that lives with me breaks my sons stuff and has no shame. he then refused to let her borrow stuff and my partner said he's selfish 😪

As your daughter does social media posts, she could use this as an example of what can do wrong if a dress is lent out and comes back damaged. Not naming names though.

I think if you lend something there’s always a risk. If she had explained how expensive it was and that she needed it back in perfect condition (I know that’s obvious!) then I’d ask them for the cost to repair or rebuy; but I think maybe she should stop lending expensive things to be honest as people will wear them and this is the risk! Especially something that’s irreplaceable Xo

The DSD is running a business surely she’s learnt how to say no

Deffo go round and just explain and go from there. Absolutely no more leading and if I was the mum I’d be mortified at dropping it off like that! Get a quote from a skilled dressmaker for the repair maybe?

Because the friend asked OP to ask her DSD to lend the dress to her daughter.
That makes it very difficult for the DSD to say no.

Sorry OP. Just seen your updates, that you are going to see the friend and you've stepped in re the prom dress. As I said, its a learning curve dealing with CFs like the friend but disappointing for both you and your DSD at the same time.

they are CFs. They know it and dont care. i feel for people on here when they do a favour and it turns round to do the lender no favours/costs them money.

I think I would send your friend pictures of the damage to the dress, and say, I'm assuming your daughter hid this damage from you when she returned it? DSD is DEVASTATED, that she didn't take care of such an obviously expensive dress, leant to her out of the goodness of her heart! It cost her £X, and is beyond repair (she has checked), so I'm afraid your daughter owes her £X. As (DD's name) is so young, DSD is prepared to accept payment in reasonable installments, but no less than £x per month. I'm sure that you will be as devastated as we are.

My DM was always arranging for me do favours for her friends and distant relatives. Including airport transfers, lending out my belongings, taking them house hunting for a whole weekend etc.
It was very very hard to say no without an outcry and it was often a very real imposition/cost/time consuming chore to me. DM got all the thanks, I was just the idiot doing the favour. It created a lot of resentment.

It's a learning curve for both you and your DSD to just say a very firm no to any future requests of the same sort. It's up to DSD who she grants these favours to. I'd be more circumspect about telling people she has access to all these lovely clothes and how discounted they are.

Is it possible to get a quote for repair? and then forward it to "the Friend" with photographs and ask for a contribution. I think your DSD is owed a repair.

I would be absolutely furious. And would be telling friend and friend's DD - together - calmly and clearly that they owe DSD an apology for ruining the dress. I would be asking how much they think they should pay, given it would cost hundreds to repair it?

I would be pointing out that it is absolute scummy behaviour, on their part, not to have automatically given a grovelling apology and at least asking how much to repair it.

And lastly that they had better not even THINK about ever asking for ANY favours ever again.

MN teaches that if we loan money we CANNOT expect to get it repaid so consider it a gift or just say no. CF would be borrowers will huff/puff but so what!
if we lend any item (clothing/Airwrap) we should expect to have it lost/stolen/damaged and somehow it will be the lenders fault because the CF borrower has no shame.
in this case the lender should have taken pics of the item before it was loaned and immediately inspected it on return even if the CF borrowers are put out. doubt you will be able to claim anything as they will deny, deny,deny. No to any loans from now on and we should all have that as our motto unless we are able to afford the loss of property and/or money

This is why I don't lend out clothes to anyone. People rarely respect stuff that isn't their own. Its bizarre but for many if they didn't pay their own money and just borrow it they often just see something as 'free' or 'worthless' value wise.

I had quite quirky 'glamorous' taste and a lot of expensive often handmade unusual clothing/accessories in my teens. Every halloween/fancy dress etc... party suddenly everyone was my 'best friend' and asking to borrow my clothes.

I lent a heavily structured/boned dress (very old hollywood off the shoulder with a tiny 'snatched' waist effect) and veiled hat to a friend who was smaller than me (and I was very slim at the time). She then took it upon herself to lend the dress to someone else 5x my size. God knows how they even got it on but it was stretched/warped beyond repair and all the boning had buckled, bent and snapped, the veil was returned with rips and cigarette burns.

Lesson learned back then at just 16. I would rather buy 2 and give someone there own of something if I can than lend them my own personal one, because I know I either wont get it back or it will come back damaged.

When the 16yr old wanted to borrow a designer dress, why wasn't she told no, that Op's stepdaughter was already doing enough, by either her own mum or Op?

This is such a piss take. Hurr and By Rotation often charge upwards of £50 to rent dresses. This CF pair were already taking the piss when she kindly said yes to lending them a prom dress, so they asked for a birthday dress too - thereby getting £100 of service for free. Very grabby and that’s before destroying the dress!

No I’m not blaming DSD, just that if she really didn’t want to lend that one, it is important for your own life to learn to protect your interests better. Take your point re saying no to DSM upfront being an option too @CarrieOnComplaining

I agree I’d have had qualms re damage and 16 yo but I’d not have expected the level of what happened…or the sneaky way it has been handled

I can't believe there are so many people saying the dsd shouldn't have lent the dress.

She was being nice.
It was to a family friend
The borrower is 16 not 6

It's like saying you go on holiday and your 16 year old has there own room,lent to them for money but it's perfectly fine for the 16 year old to smash the room up.

Here a lovely young woman wants to share in the opportunity she has to wear designer clothes with her step mum's friend...and she gets shit on and people here are blaming her!

also request at least the price DSD paid for the dress, is it? (Though she wouldn’t be able to get the same dress at that price again)
I know this would be a lot of money for friend

The dress needs replacing & if your friend has to pay full price to do it then that's just too bad isn't it?