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Original poster

Friends daughter(16) ruined designer dress

403 replies

kidditsonyou · 03/04/2025 21:19

DSD (22) works around fashion so has a lot of clothes and often gets designer items at good price.

Friend asked if her daughter could borrow a dress for her 16th birthday. I asked DSD who agreed, she often lends clothes to friends and family. Dress chose and borrowed was very expensive and covered in intricate beading, DSD got it heavily reduced but still cost several hundred. DSD says she heavily pushed for daughter to try it on while she was there but she refused, was told it fit perfectly.

Dress returned today and is very damaged.
Zip tape is ripped, Inside lining is ripped and main body is very stretched and warped. Several areas of beading damaged and quite a lot of beads missing. No mention of this when dropped off.

DSD reckons is not repairable / not worth repairing because of the amount of different areas of damage. Previous plan was that DSD would also lend a prom dress.
DSD is very kind and anxious, she is not likely to kick up a fuss or demand anything but is upset. I feel responsible as the initial conversation came through me.

What’s reasonable in this situation? It’s not unreasonable to refuse lending of prom dress and also request at least the price DSD paid for the dress, is it? (Though she wouldn’t be able to get the same dress at that price again)
I know this would be a lot of money for friend

OP posts:
Codlingmoths · 03/04/2025 22:19

kidditsonyou · 03/04/2025 22:15

I can agree with this point too, I do feel responsible.

DSD has a lot of dresses, lots a lot cheaper, I didn’t expect her to lend this one.
If i was there when the choosing and lending happened I would have heavily discouraged it or at least have forced her to try it on before taking it. DSD says she did make it clear how high value the dress was and push for her to try it on but she wouldn’t have been forceful.

If I left it on DSD now she would still lend the prom dress so I have to step in and stand up for her.

Show quote history

There is no way I would allow my dsd to lend this girl another dress, and I’d tell my friend that too. Tell dsd that you are doing this other girl a huge favour as the earlier you learn that actions have consequences the less likely it is that you blow up your entire life.

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 03/04/2025 22:19

FormerlyPathologicallyHappy · 03/04/2025 21:47

She’s a careless person at a young age and I hope your dsd doesn’t lend her a prom dress. You can’t act like that in life.

Its a given if you borrow something you take care of it and return it in the same condition it was lent.

Whilst I do agree with this. Based on experiences with my own dresses, especially something with lots of beading, it’s so easy to have something get caught or pull, have it trail on the floor if long, spill a bit of drink/a smudge of make up etc, have the zip get stuck. Therefore this shouldn’t have been leant out.
The 16 year old should have owned up but I think some posters are being over harsh on her.

godmum56 · 03/04/2025 22:19

How this is in any way the fault of the OP or her daughter is beyond me. They didn't even offer the loan, it was asked for. Yes the dress needs paying for, yes with an apology and no to any more loads to that family. Its looks as though you may lose a friend over it but what kind of friend does this or allows her daughter to do so?

GarlicSmile · 03/04/2025 22:16

Btw, if it was a Peppiatt, they do offer repairs. Will likely cost a small fortune, though. If DSD's especially attached to this dress, it may be worth seeing whether the maker has a repair service - or if someone at work has a "brilliant little dressmaker" who would take it on.

Or chop it up and make a top/skirt out of it 🙃

Laura95167 · 03/04/2025 22:15

kidditsonyou · 03/04/2025 21:33

Yes, I’m trying to figure out how much of the responsibility is actually on friend rather than her daughter who doesn’t work.

friend was the one who dropped the dress off and ran and she was obviously at the party so I was assuming she knows but you’re right it is possible that she doesn’t actually know the extent of the damage.

Friend asked for the loan, friends daughter is a minor, friend owes you the money. If she gets that from her daughter good for her.

She absolutely knows its not in the condition it was loaned. And she should have behaved better

Original poster
kidditsonyou · 03/04/2025 22:15

Bunnycat101 · 03/04/2025 21:49

I think there is probably a lesson learnt situation for you and your SD. Between you shouldn’t have lent something that could be damaged to a 16 yo. Your SD might need to learn to be less of a people pleaser really. Secondly think it was you who put her in that position and that wasn’t really very fair to expect her to do a favour for your friend’s daughter who is a bit removed from her.

But, I also think your friend should be told of the damaged and asked to pay for repairs but I think it’s a tough one as 16 year olds at a party aren’t known for being their most careful and considerate so there was always a risk.

I can agree with this point too, I do feel responsible.

DSD has a lot of dresses, lots a lot cheaper, I didn’t expect her to lend this one.
If i was there when the choosing and lending happened I would have heavily discouraged it or at least have forced her to try it on before taking it. DSD says she did make it clear how high value the dress was and push for her to try it on but she wouldn’t have been forceful.

If I left it on DSD now she would still lend the prom dress so I have to step in and stand up for her.

OP posts:
Lovelysausagedogscrumpy · 03/04/2025 22:15

TinySaltLick · 03/04/2025 21:24

It depends what was said when lending. Defo no more lending, but a bit difficult to know if reasonable to demand the money for it without knowing the terms under which it was leant

Dumb comment.

CanOfMangoTango · 03/04/2025 22:14

This situation is on you a bit, asking DSD to lend out a dress to a daughter of a friend.

You need to pay DSD in full for what the dress cost and then chase your friend/ex friend and her DD for the money.

Never ask your DSD to lend a dress again.

Thebloodynine · 03/04/2025 22:13

Can you afford to replace the dress? Just because she lends to her own friends, who she knows and trusts, doesn’t mean you can be making these offers to friends of yours ans their kids. You say she is quiet and anxious and won’t kick up a fuss, so you know she won’f say no to you and you put her in the awkward position of asking her to lend out clothes to your friend’s kid. I don’t think you should have asked. Someone needs to replace that dress, or at least pay for a new discounted dress she can get through work.

Waterweight · 03/04/2025 22:13

Blackcountrychik83 · 03/04/2025 21:27

I’m sure the so called terms were not for her to damage it and not pay to get it fixed or to replace it . 🙄

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She loaned it to a 16 year old who may or may not of fit in it (didn't want to try it on Infront of her according to OP) so I'd say there was a higher then average chance of it being damaged

As for the original post A) you can raise replacement costs with the mum but might say no/it was an accident B) don't lend her another dress which is obvious & C) offer to cover it yourself or at least part

Needspaceforlego · 03/04/2025 22:12

Christwosheds · 03/04/2025 22:08

Your Sd saw the girl who borrowed the dress, is she the same size as the dress size ? I wonder if she actually lent it to a different girl ? I had this happen to me and it took two years to get the item back which had clearly been worn half to death in that time.

That's a good point, I wonder if it's been worn by someone else too.

Motomum23 · 03/04/2025 22:12

I would absolutely be encouraging a 22 year old to get stronger. 'Try it on and make sure it fits or you are not taking my property'... not at all victim blaming here but encourage a life lesson... oh and totally acceptable to blow up this 'friendship' if she doesn't offer to repair/refund/buy the dress back or whatever... you don't need friends who treat your family like rubbish.

GarlicSmile · 03/04/2025 22:11

For your DSD's future education, the first rule of lending clothes is to get the borrower to try it on first. Second rule is to specify damage exposure - it's dry-clean only, water ruins it, it's hand-beaded and repairs start at £300.

She's been treated very badly; it'd be a shame if she let this spoil her generous nature (plus, I'll always have a huge soft spot for those who work in fashion - wish her a glorious career from me!)

Christwosheds · 03/04/2025 22:08

Your Sd saw the girl who borrowed the dress, is she the same size as the dress size ? I wonder if she actually lent it to a different girl ? I had this happen to me and it took two years to get the item back which had clearly been worn half to death in that time.

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 03/04/2025 22:04

Lending a dress worth several hundred to a 16 year old is ridiculous. Having to be very careful to look after the dress would be hard and likely impact on enjoyment of the night. She won’t be used to knowing what she needs to think about etc in order to protect it.

you should never have put your dsd in the position of asking her to lend it.

MsDitsy · 03/04/2025 22:04

kidditsonyou · 03/04/2025 21:59

Thankyou. I will send a calm message in the morning with photos of damage and see what the response is.

Please update us. I feel really sad for your love, kind and generous DSD.

Purplecatshopaholic · 03/04/2025 22:01

Allhatnocattle · 03/04/2025 21:41

You need to ring your friend and spell out that the dress is fucked, and what is she going to do to make it right as it cost X amount

This. This started between you and your friend. You need to phone and ask what she’s going to do about this. Why was the dress damaged, and returned in such a state, why wasn’t the dress cleaned before returning, etc. Don’t people treat other peoples possessions with respect and care any more? If you damage something you put it right - not fuckin rocket science! The DSD shouldn’t be out of pocket and defo no lending anything else to the ungrateful, disrespectful 16 year old.

DuskyPink1984 · 03/04/2025 22:01

So disrespectful of the friend to return it and not be apologising profusely to your DSD. If it were me, I would mention the damage to the friend without asking for any reimbursement (which wouldn’t be useful anyway if the dress is beyond repair). But I’d want her to know and I’d expect an apology.

Original poster
kidditsonyou · 03/04/2025 21:59

Thankyou. I will send a calm message in the morning with photos of damage and see what the response is.

OP posts:
Fatrosrhun · 03/04/2025 21:58

I would send a message “did you know what a state that dress was returned in? DSD is so upset.” See what she comes back with. Then go from there.

springbringshope · 03/04/2025 21:57

MayaPinion · 03/04/2025 21:49

I’d send a message to a daughter/mum group chat with photos of the damage and say something like, ‘Hi Brenda and Agatha, the dress has been returned quite badly damaged as you can see in the photos. Do you want to get the repairs done by a tailor or do you want us to get a quote and you can send us the money so we can get it done ourselves?’

I like this

Calliopespa · 03/04/2025 21:57

Why don’t you say you are no longer lending as some people ruin things but offer for her to buy the dress she has already borrowed for her prom at a “ discount.” See if they feel it is still worth anything…

AnxietyJane · 03/04/2025 21:57

MayaPinion · 03/04/2025 21:49

I’d send a message to a daughter/mum group chat with photos of the damage and say something like, ‘Hi Brenda and Agatha, the dress has been returned quite badly damaged as you can see in the photos. Do you want to get the repairs done by a tailor or do you want us to get a quote and you can send us the money so we can get it done ourselves?’

This. Perfectly reasonable and you can nicely but firmly say DSD isn't lending anymore dresses.

springbringshope · 03/04/2025 21:56

PinkFrogss · 03/04/2025 21:25

I would act dumb and tell friend in a way that’s assuming she doesn’t know, and you believe if she did know she never would have let her daughter return the dress without saying anything, or doing anything about the damages.

Yeah this. Say something like ‘I’m aware you had no idea of the state of the dress your dd returned as I know you would have insisted on paying for the damage. But I have to let you know it was ruined’. And see what she says.

it may be that your friend values her money more than she values morals or your friendship. But that’s on her

Sunbeam01 · 03/04/2025 21:54

TinySaltLick · 03/04/2025 21:24

It depends what was said when lending. Defo no more lending, but a bit difficult to know if reasonable to demand the money for it without knowing the terms under which it was leant

The terms are common decency surely?

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