Behaviour issues Fortnite

I am not anti gaming at all - my husband is a gamer and plays loads of computer games, always has since he was a child. Some adults watch crap telly, some hang out at the pub, some game… everyone gets to have some down time. I have no issue with my son playing on the switch for an hour on a rainy afternoon or when a friend comes round (we have a house rule they have to do something without screens before going on screens though and they all know it!).

I have a major issue with Fortnite and online gaming for children however. It’s specifically designed to be addictive and has really affected some of the children at our school. I haven’t seen anything good come out of it. We are steering clear of it as long as we can!

my friend’s son is addicted to fifa - plays it endlessly on his own or online with friends and she’s really struggling to manage it. So maybe it’s more the online aspect that can lead to challenges - maybe some kids really respond poorly to other people’s expectations and the socialising aspect alongside the designed addictive gameplay?

I hope you find a balance that works better for your family OP - it’s all a juggling act for sure. Honestly sometimes being a bit bored is when your kids can really surprise you with something amazing.

It's hard having different rules to his friends, but just because they have crap parents who don't care, doesn't mean that you have to be the same.

I know of more than one kid who smashed their tv screens after becoming so enraged by the game. I know of older teens/young men who just want to game all night and sleep all day. They can't hold down jobs or relationships.

If your rules help to stop your son becoming like that, then good on you.

Stand firm, find him something else to do. Find some multi player games that you can all do together, me and DD often play on the Switch together.

The most important thing is that you remain in charge. You are the adult, the parent, and it's your rules, not blindly giving them what they want.

Ours seems to respond much better when we have explained it to him - and proven it with examples ‘look you can see you’ve been on Fortnite longer than usual today as your attitude towards me isn’t being the best, can you see that too?’

explaining our reasons behind having the rule, instead of just being authoritarian about it has really helped his understanding of why.

OP you are doing your best!

Ds is 9 and also plays but we've really tightened up, he doesn't have the headphones or mic so cannot chat (as the language is horrific) he does NOT have access to Roblox at all!

Fortnite is weekend gaming only, and for no more than an hour, and it is after he's been to football and karate and swimming lessons. He is allowed his switch weeknights for 45 mins (he doesn't get back from childminder until after 5 and then has to do 3 jobs before he's allowed his time e.g lay the table, put away coats and shows, put away the laundry on his bed)

These limits mean his attitude isn't so awful with it, he's still getting to do the thing he wants to do - within reason and we've explained why, we've explained that it's not his fault and that these games are made specifically to keep you playing so it's our jobs as parents to manage that. It is our job to teach them the safety and effects of these things, not just hide them.

We have had the same with DS1 who is nearly 13 now. We ended up banning it for both boys. The attitude towards me especially in the days after him playing were awful.

I don't mind so much about him playing at his dad's, it almost feels less bad to me as he gets to play a bit, and I don't take the brunt of the anger. His dad doesn't do anything with him either so it keeps him entertained whilst there.

But honestly cold turkey was great for us. He took it badly at the start and was bored but if anything it's just helped him find ways to keep himself entertained and have a bit more imagination. I make a point of taking an interest in his hobbies so if he wants a new book we go 1 on 1 to the book shop or library, and he has a very specific other hobby so we go to the shop for it every so often and get bits and pieces related to it and I will help him with it. We also do family boardgame night 1 evening a week and even our teen gets involved with that. It's honestly a game changer. Good luck whatever you decide to do.

.....even if I can’t entertain him at that point

You don't have to be constantly entertaining him or taking him to activities. He needs to learn to entertain himself.

I grew up long before home computers and when there were only two tv channels. And when running a house and a family took up much more time, so my mum didn't have time to be always entertaining us.

We had books, art and craft materials, Lego, board games, card games, Scalextric (my brother's, but we all played with it, and my friends liked to play too) swing and sand pit in the garden... and we used to talk to each other. I remember sitting in the kitchen when my mum was doing something, telling her about the library book I'd been reading. She just listened while carrying on with what she was doing.

My son is 10 and we have had the same issue, in fact we have had the same issue with all gaming. This is how it went for us when he was 8/9.

He had an Xbox, he had a Nintendo switch, he was allowed to play on the computer on fortnite. And as of about 6 months ago those have all been permanently removed.

He was allowed on for an hour or 2 at a time, but it affected his behaviour so badly he got to the point of hitting. Not directly like 'let me game or I will hit!', but it was the frustration around not being allowed on it all the time that let him to being so pent up he hit. He is 10 but he is very tall and genuinely it hurt. Other than that he was just grumpy all the time, he would rush homework to get straight on to games, he would argue if it was his sisters time to play, he was just horrible to be around.We tried short bans of a day or 2, then long bans of weeks, but ultimately the behaviour improved until he went back on the games. We felt like he would be excluded from friend groups etc which is why we kept letting him back on but honestly completely removing them (including Fortnite obviously) has been such an improvement for our family. Day and night! He has clubs a few days a week, but has created other hobbies now-he absolutely loves to read now, and plays chess (online and with friends) without any issues. He takes his bike out most days now it's sunny, he's helped me with gardening. He is the happy, caring wonderful son he always was. A zero tolerance policy for gaming now in our home and honestly he doesn't miss it. He still has friends and the odd time he does talk about Fortnite or whatever he gets over it very quickly. He does game the 1 night a week he goes to his dad's and does come back quite grumpy but that's a whole other issue! But yeah, it's a hard decision to take it away fully and the mum guilt nearly got me but when I think of the comparison between how amazing his behaviour is now conpared to the attitude and anger when he was playing all those games- it's just not worth it. He is happier overall so thats what matters. I doubt he felt good giving his mum a thump over a game!

I agree. My DS only plays these types of games so is content with a couple of hours max at the weekend. The online games are very addictive, which suits the companies.

Your DS doesn’t need another club if he already has a couple - mine doesn’t do more than this, but he’s happy to sit and play with Lego and other toys for hours, with occasional TV thrown in. Then there’s playing in the garden when the weather is ok. At that age they don’t need you hovering over them while they do these things.

Depends what side of 9 he’s on. 9, coming 10 in May - yeah i would allow it. With safeguards in place, like he takes a phone or watch that can make calls. Just turned 9, and you know he’s not ready then no i wouldn’t. Maybe he could buddy up with another sensible friend and they could go together?

I feel you OP i really do. My 8 year old has been gaming more than he should, it started when his little sister was born and all his cousins were playing and chatting on the headphones. Thankfully he lost interest in the headphones thing and just plays the odd game now or watches rubbish on youtube but i’ve moved the xbox out of the den and into the living room. I don’t want to be watching that nonsense more than necessary so there’s more impetus for me to turn it off and also it gives me much tighter control of course because i’m keeping a closer eye on what he’s doing. He also plays out because we live in a quiet estate with a field in the middle for kids to play football.

It is scary to let them play out because like you say you’re sending them out into the world. But online gaming is bringing the outside world into your home. Either way, he’s reached the age where he is ready to spread his wings, you just need to put the safeguards in place to allow him to do that.

If they were meeting friends there, yes. It's a bit further than that to the park for my DS. It was scary for me but my view is that being overprotective is dangerous in itself.

Fortnite is now banned in our house. The behaviour was beyond ridiculous and no matter how many warnings didn't get any better.

Honestly, the game matters.

Don't fall into the trap of 'but all my mates are'. You are going to come across this at some point. You need to learn to say no in this situation and he needs to learn that his mates being allowed isn't a bargaining chip and you will make your own decisions and if that means you are the mean parent so be it.

If you are the mean parent you are also the parent who is aware of what is happening and setting boundaries.

He and the other kids might not become violent thugs, but it still doesn't mean it's not having an observable negative impact on behaviour and relationships with others. If he's learning it's ok to be shit to you and eventually you will give in and he will get what he wants, that's still really unhealthy as a life lesson.

I love this! Sounds spot on!

The first time we went over to the park I was so pleasantly surprised. There were about 20 kids of all ages playing out, either on the equipment or kicking a football around or sharing a bag of chips. No phones in sight. Adults were obviously there with the really young ones. It definitely took me back to my childhood. DS made a little friend within a few minutes and they were chasing each other around and making up games. It was really nice to see

You are totally right to do this. I still remember how proud DS was the first time he came home from playing at the park with his friends! Independence is crucial for their development. Knowing that you have confidence that they can handle age appropriate things.
DS is 10 now, has a watch so he can be home when agreed (no phone) and his friends swing by to ask if he's coming out. Reminds me of my childhood.