Page 3 | OH double booking himself

CupOfTeaTwoSugars · 2025-04-03T19:20:55+00:00

Name change for this, as know some people on here. AIBU to be upset with OH? Back in October I booked tickets to a gig. It’s not my OH’s type of music but it’s not far off, I asked him if he would go with me and he said he would. The gig is at the end of this month. I was making other plans for the Friday of that weekend, and reminded him about the gig on the Saturday saying it’ll be a busy weekend. He said that he’s doing something else on the Saturday, so he can’t go with me to the gig. it’s really upset me, possibly more than is reasonable. I’ve asked other people if they want to come, but everyone is busy. I don’t want to go in my own. The gig is in the joint calendar, his other plans are with his Mum for a booked and paid for event. He asked me about this date when his mum suggested it. I reminded him about the gig. (He’s now saying I didn’t) He said that the event is often in the afternoon, I said if it’s in the afternoon that should be fine, as he can do both. It’s not in the afternoon, it’s at the same time as the gig, but it’s now booked. This is an unusual occurrence. i can’t see a solution, and I’ve been upset about it for a few days now. I have been crying about it, which is not like me. We’ve discussed it today, he says it’s a miscommunication, which it is, but it’s one that’s really upset me. I should probably put my big girl boots on and go by myself, but I wouldn’t have bought a ticket to go by myself, I would have just forgotten about the gig. He says I’ve made him sad because I haven’t been talking to him for a few days. I haven’t been able to because I keep crying. AIBU? How do I move past this?

Nanny0gg · 03/04/2025 22:27

PurpleThistle7 · 03/04/2025 22:25

I only think you’re being unreasonable as your reaction is a lot - crying for days and not speaking to him? Over a mistake? (Appreciate you remember telling him about the clash but clearly he didn’t hear you so leaving space to consider it might have been missed somehow.)

Either go alone (might be super fun!) or have him reimburse you for the tickets and do something else equally fun. He can sell them on. Or not. Up to him. I appreciate it’s disappointing and he should be super apologetic but you said it’s unusual for him to do something like this so unless there’s more to this or it’s a part of a pattern, I would try to find a way past it.

of course if he regularly puts you last that’s different

Did you read her updates?

It's not the tickets...

PurpleThistle7 · 03/04/2025 22:25

I only think you’re being unreasonable as your reaction is a lot - crying for days and not speaking to him? Over a mistake? (Appreciate you remember telling him about the clash but clearly he didn’t hear you so leaving space to consider it might have been missed somehow.)

Either go alone (might be super fun!) or have him reimburse you for the tickets and do something else equally fun. He can sell them on. Or not. Up to him. I appreciate it’s disappointing and he should be super apologetic but you said it’s unusual for him to do something like this so unless there’s more to this or it’s a part of a pattern, I would try to find a way past it.

of course if he regularly puts you last that’s different

Rhaidimiddim · 03/04/2025 22:25

CupOfTeaTwoSugars · 03/04/2025 21:15

To answer some of you..
we’ve been together 10 years and have lived together for 5 of those.
I agree that the crying is over the top, it’s not like me, and I think I may be perimenopausal tbh.
i don’t think him cancelling with his Mum is the answer, as he clearly prefers to go out with her than with me (I think this is what is making me upset, that he didn’t prioritise his plans with me)
plus his Mum is lovely, and totally unaware of this. if he cancelled and came with me I can’t see it being a fun night.

i thought we were in a good place until he said a few months ago that he didn’t want to get married. I thought that was where we were heading, and had said so, but he said he didn’t plan to marry me.
I’ve been processing that for a while now, and I think this has just added to me being upset about that.
i need to have a good think.

Following thisl update...
He's not that into you if he "forgot" this gig for one with his mum. He doesn't want to marry you, he doesn't want to share stuff like the gig with you. He is in a comfy rut with a bed-warmer who shares costs, facilitates his life and the rest.
You are right to cry as this serious slight - you had a fun thing arranged for the two of you, but it didn't register with him cos he doesn't care that much.
I am so very sorry for you.

Chaseandstatus · 03/04/2025 22:24

If you have lived together for five years was it Covid that caused you to move in together? I can see how this would make you think that he was more committed than he truly was.

Can you sell the tickets, take the gig out of the equation and have a really hard think about the future.

You will be fine in the long run. Don’t forget statistics show that single women are the happiest!!

Plmnki · 03/04/2025 22:23

Really sorry. The gig is a symptom. It’s not the problem. His attitude / commitment is the problem. The whole marriage thing is awful. Can you extricate yourself?

k1233 · 03/04/2025 22:22

I think your crying is because the tickets are reinforcing you are not a priority for him. You've been together 10 years and he has categorically told you he won't marry you. If you want to be married, leave him. Don't have kids with him because you'll be in a very precarious position and to be honest, he doesn't deserve that level of commitment from you if he is not prepared to commit to you.

How old are you?

everythingeverything1981 · 03/04/2025 22:18

That's twatty and suggests he doesn't listen to you at all. You are not a priority.

Motomum23 · 03/04/2025 22:16

Yanbu - I would expect my partner of 10 years to put me first (unless his mum was seriously ill etc I'm not a monster) the fact that he can't pr won't is why you are so rightly upset. He won't marry you, won't put you first... time to live for yourself... go to the gig and enjoy yourself without him - might as well get used to it!

Original poster

CupOfTeaTwoSugars · 03/04/2025 22:13

Rosequart · 03/04/2025 22:10

In my 50’s, I can’t be bothered people pleasing. My partner of 10 years booked tickets for us for a gig he wanted to go to but it’s not my thing at all. I made clear I wasn’t going. Life is too short

I wouldn’t have been bothered if he’d said that before I paid for the tickets.

OP posts:

Original poster

CupOfTeaTwoSugars · 03/04/2025 22:12

Rosequart · 03/04/2025 22:06

Did you ask him if he’d go with you before or after you booked the tickets?

Before I bought the tickets, back in October

OP posts:

Rosequart · 03/04/2025 22:10

In my 50’s, I can’t be bothered people pleasing. My partner of 10 years booked tickets for us for a gig he wanted to go to but it’s not my thing at all. I made clear I wasn’t going. Life is too short

Rosequart · 03/04/2025 22:06

Did you ask him if he’d go with you before or after you booked the tickets?

autisticbookworm · 03/04/2025 21:54

You are not a priority to him that’s why you feel so upset. It’s about his lack of care for your feelings.

PullTheBricksDown · 03/04/2025 21:37

FieldInWhichFucksAreGrownIsBarren · 03/04/2025 21:20

Ok, from this I'd definitely be looking to move on if I were you.
He certainly isn't giving what you want from the relationship.
Get him in the bin.

Edited

Show quote history

Agree with this. You are worth more than this, OP

gamerchick · 03/04/2025 21:36

Him saying he's not going to marry you is why you're so upset, him ditching you for this event hammered home what you've been feeling in the back of your mind since he said it. He's detaching slowly like a coward.

Maybe it's time for the chat you've both been avoiding.

Flossflower · 03/04/2025 21:30

Joint calendar. The first entry in there gets priority always.

Codlingmoths · 03/04/2025 21:27

My dh would cancel his mum because it’s his fuck up, if the date was in a joint calendar. But he isn’t cancelling his mum, he doesn’t want to marry you… do you think it’s come to the end of the road op?

Sassybooklover · 03/04/2025 21:25

The way I see it, is that he didn't really want to go to the gig in the first place, but said yes to appease you. You reminded him twice of the date, and yet he agrees to go to an event with his Mum. I'm guessing the event with his Mum, is something he'd rather attend than the gig? If he really didn't want to go to the gig, he shouldn't have agreed in the first place. He knew perfectly well what he was doing when he agreed to go to the event with his Mum. He's now very conveniently trying to say you didn't remind him of the date, when you know you did! The right action would be for him to apologise to his Mum, but he now can't go with her, as he originally agreed to attend a gig with you. However, do you want to go to a gig with someone who doesn't really want to be there? I wouldn't. Going by yourself is preferably than going with a partner who'd rather be elsewhere.

lyricalwindmills · 03/04/2025 21:21

Ah I’m sorry @CupOfTeaTwoSugarsNo wonder you’re upset. You must feel so unimportant to him. I’d have a serious think about whether you want to keep going in this relationship. You deserve someone who puts you first and who wants to marry you after 10 years together!!

FieldInWhichFucksAreGrownIsBarren · 03/04/2025 21:20

CupOfTeaTwoSugars · 03/04/2025 21:15

To answer some of you..
we’ve been together 10 years and have lived together for 5 of those.
I agree that the crying is over the top, it’s not like me, and I think I may be perimenopausal tbh.
i don’t think him cancelling with his Mum is the answer, as he clearly prefers to go out with her than with me (I think this is what is making me upset, that he didn’t prioritise his plans with me)
plus his Mum is lovely, and totally unaware of this. if he cancelled and came with me I can’t see it being a fun night.

i thought we were in a good place until he said a few months ago that he didn’t want to get married. I thought that was where we were heading, and had said so, but he said he didn’t plan to marry me.
I’ve been processing that for a while now, and I think this has just added to me being upset about that.
i need to have a good think.

Ok, from this I'd definitely be looking to move on if I were you.
He certainly isn't giving what you want from the relationship.
Get him in the bin.

loveforautumn · 03/04/2025 21:18

The dates in a joint calendar? He should of checked before making plans with his mum.
I'd be fuming

Original poster

CupOfTeaTwoSugars · 03/04/2025 21:18

His first response was that he’ll pay for his ticket. I had paid for them both as it was for me. I said it’s not about the money, and he said he understood.

OP posts:

Vaxtable · 03/04/2025 21:17

Reading your update about him
not marrying you it’s deal breaker and I would be looking to leave.

Original poster

CupOfTeaTwoSugars · 03/04/2025 21:15

To answer some of you..
we’ve been together 10 years and have lived together for 5 of those.
I agree that the crying is over the top, it’s not like me, and I think I may be perimenopausal tbh.
i don’t think him cancelling with his Mum is the answer, as he clearly prefers to go out with her than with me (I think this is what is making me upset, that he didn’t prioritise his plans with me)
plus his Mum is lovely, and totally unaware of this. if he cancelled and came with me I can’t see it being a fun night.

i thought we were in a good place until he said a few months ago that he didn’t want to get married. I thought that was where we were heading, and had said so, but he said he didn’t plan to marry me.
I’ve been processing that for a while now, and I think this has just added to me being upset about that.
i need to have a good think.

OP posts:

Vaxtable · 03/04/2025 21:15

I wouldn’t. I would simply tell him he agreed to go with you first and you expect him to do just that and he can explain to his mom his double booking and sorry he can’t go with herm especially as he has been reminded and it’s in the calendar.

if he won’t then you know where you stand, bottom of the pile below his mother. Nd if he won’t go with you I would tell him he needs to repay you for both tickets and I simply would not book anything else with him. He can do it all